A Moment of Weakness (14 page)

He knew he should let her go, walk her out and tell her good-bye. But in that instant he couldn’t bear the thought. His lips moved up her cheekbone toward her earlobe. His body shook from the flames that shot through him, and he wondered if she could sense the depth of his passion. “Jade …” The word came out low and breathless. “Oh, Jade, what you do to me.”

He lowered his lips to hers, savoring their closeness, savoring her.

Leave the bedroom! Go! Flee!

The warnings were distant, easily dismissed. God would not let him be tempted beyond what he could bear. He wasn’t really losing control; his body only felt that way. He ran his fingers lightly down the length of her bare arms and felt her skin chill under his touch.

“Tanner …”

“It’s okay.” He pressed his lips to hers, stopping her questions before she could ask them. Ignoring the dim warnings, he moved his lips down the curve of her neck.

She moaned softly, and reaction jolted through him. Was this how it felt to lose control? To be so drawn in that there was no human way out? He banished the thought. He could stop if he wanted to. They were just saying good-bye, sharing a memory that would help them endure their long separation. His breathing came faster, and he gave himself permission to kiss
her shoulders, her throat. Permission to continue.

Finally, Tanner knew he’d gone too far. Desire drove him, and it was far more powerful than he’d ever imagined. He couldn’t stop it.

In that instant, despite everything he knew to be true and right, regardless of the promises and plans of a mighty God, Tanner knew something else.

He no longer wanted to.

Warnings echoed loudly in Jade’s mind as well, rattling her heart and making it difficult to breathe. Verses about the sexually immoral and adultery and desire leading to death. But Tanner knew what he was doing, didn’t he? He wouldn’t let things go too far. He would stop before it was too late

She could trust him.

Flee, my daughter. Flee!

She heard the silent voice and was filled with alarm at the heat coursing through her.
Come on, Tanner, stop
. She needed to leave, needed to be anywhere but in his bedroom, kissing him, wrapped in his arms on the foot of his bed.

He’ll be gone tomorrow. We’re just kissing. Can’t we have this one moment to say good-bye?
Eventually the warnings grew dim.

Tanner moved his mouth down her neck toward the hollow of her throat, and she tipped her head back, shocked to hear herself moan. Her body ached with a need she knew could be met only one way.

Never, Lord. We’ll stop. I promise. This is only because he’s leaving. Help us, Lord
.

Flee!

She closed her eyes and refused. Things were under control. They were two grown adults, after all. Slowly she drew
closer to Tanner until her mouth was on his neck, tasting the saltiness of his skin, the stubble of his day-old shave. She gripped his arms and felt him flex beneath her fingers. He was strong and good and right. His very presence felt like a dream come true.

Gently, tenderly, ever so slowly they fell back onto the bed, still locked together, their kisses hungrier than before.

Tanner moved so that his chest lay partially over hers, and his kisses became longer, deeper. Another wave of alarm washed over her. “Tanner … we can’t …”

For a moment he stopped, breathless, and held a finger to her lips. “It’s okay.…” He brushed back her hair with tender fingers. “Don’t worry, Jade.” Another kiss. “Just relax.… We’ll stop in a minute.…”

Her body blazed with desire, and she knew deep in her heart that Tanner was wrong. God would not be okay with this. But, then, they were still only kissing, weren’t they? Certainly he would forgive them for being together like this longer than usual. Just this once.

Jade ran her hands over the muscles in his lower back, pulling him closer to her. “We have to stop. We have to …”

Tanner moved his mouth along her throat again and brought his knee over hers. “We will.” He looked at her then, and she saw he was trembling, his eyes filled with wanting her. “We won’t be together again for so long.” His lips traveled up her neck as he made his way to her mouth. “We’ll stop.… Don’t worry.”

Ten minutes passed and then twenty. All the while she assured herself they could stop, they would stop. She was safe here in Tanner’s arms, a princess being loved by her one and only prince.

But as the evening grew later they kept on, trapped in a
moment of weakness stronger than anything either of them had ever known. And sometime after midnight, when they dressed in silence and Tanner walked Jade to her car to kiss her good-bye, she was no longer a princess.

She was a whore, just like her mother.

S
HE WAS TIRED ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY
the nausea kicked in. That night, Jade clutched her sides as she lay on her bed, weeping. Over and over she told herself it was nothing more than the obvious. She hadn’t been eating well since Tanner left for Portland, and her father seemed to be shouting at her constantly.

Most of all, she had become shameful in the sight of God.

A sick stomach was understandable.

It was two days before Tanner would leave for Hungary, and she was an emotional basket case. Since Tanner had gone back to school, she’d done her best to avoid her father, choosing instead to spend the hours locked in her bedroom. Penance, she told herself. For committing the unpardonable sin.

Summer classes were over, and the fall schedule would begin at the end of the month. She increased her hours at Kelso General, thinking she might somehow show God the sincerity of her sorrow, how much she wanted him to think her good again.

She brought her knees up nearly to her chin, curled up under the covers, sobbing alone in the night.
I’m sorry, Lord. Forgive me. What have I done? Why did we go against your plan?

She heard no response. As though the Lord had utterly and completely abandoned her.

Maybe her constant weeping could explain the tiredness and this strange nausea that had come upon her. That had to
be the reason. It had to be. She shut her eyes, forced out her fears, and focused on surviving.

“I miss you, Tanner.” She whispered into her pillow. Almost as though he’d somehow heard her, the telephone rang. Jade answered it quickly so her father wouldn’t pick it up in the other room.

“Jade, it’s me.…” Tanner’s voice sounded tinny and hollow.
A payphone
, she thought. And instantly he felt a million miles away.

She tried to speak but a single sob escaped before she could say anything.

“Jade, you’re crying … talk to me.…” She heard people laughing in the background.

“Where … where are you?” Her voice was thick with tears. She knew Tanner wouldn’t want her crying, but she couldn’t change how she felt.

“Cafeteria. The pay phones in the dorm were busy.” Tanner sounded rushed, and Jade was having trouble feeling close to him. Everything about their conversation felt strained, and the realization brought another wave of tears.

“Jade, baby, stop crying. Everything’s going to be okay.” He sounded so far away, and in two days he would be thousands of miles farther. Once he left for Hungary, there would be no contact between them for two months. He had told her he’d write, but mail delivery could take two weeks or longer. Since his group would move from place to place, there was no way she could write to him. Their contact—however limited—would be completely one-sided.

A minute had passed and still Jade quietly cried, unable to answer.

“Jade, what’s wrong with you? Why won’t you talk to me?”

She sought desperately for something to say, but there was nothing.

Tanner’s voice grew impatient. “I feel bad, too, you know. I never meant for … oh, you know what I mean.”

She stifled her sobs. “I know.”

“I’m sorry. How many times do I have to tell you.”

She choked out her response. “I told you … I’m not mad at you. I just feel bad. Like we blew it.”

“I know.” He lowered his voice. “I said I’m sorry. What else can I say?”

She continued weeping, struggling to speak. Nothing felt right anymore. “It … it feels like things are different between us.”

“Come on, Jade. That’s your imagination. Satan wants you to be buried under guilt so you’ll never be happy again.”

“I should have stopped it, Tanner. I had a choice and I didn’t.” She tried to compose herself. “Besides, we haven’t come to the Lord together and asked for forgiveness.”

He fell silent, and Jade wondered why. Didn’t his heart seek repentance over this? Didn’t he think they should come before the Lord as a couple? Maybe his faith wasn’t what it had seemed to be all summer. Jade felt even more sick at the thought.

When he finally answered, the impatience was back. “Listen, I have to get going. I have a lot to do before I leave. I didn’t call to hear you cry for thirty minutes. I already got that earlier when I talked to my mother. Naturally she thinks I’m crazy, throwing away my future and all.” He paused. “I was kind of hoping you might be able to cheer me up.”

Jade stared at the phone, open mouthed.
Is it so easy for him to dismiss what we’ve done, how it’s changed things between us?
“I’m sorry. I don’t feel very cheery.”

“What
do
you feel, Jade? Do you still love me?”

She felt her anger rising. “Of
course
I love you. But I feel all
messed up inside. Like we’ve turned God against us and like … no matter what we do now our plans won’t succeed.” She wept more loudly. “Right now I feel too ashamed to even talk to you, and you want me to be cheery?”

He sighed slowly, and she could hear more voices in the background. He was obviously in a busy part of the cafeteria, and it gave her the feeling he wasn’t paying attention. “Okay, we were wrong.
I’ve
said that.
You’ve
said that. I’m sure we’ve both admitted it to God. We’re both sorry. Now we pick up the pieces and go on. You can’t let what happened change things between us.”

She was silent for a moment, trying desperately to fight off the nausea that passed over her. “It’s too late.” She drew a deep, steadying breath.

“What’s too late?” He sounded tired.

“Things have changed already.”

“Well, then maybe you and I have some thinking to do over the next two months.”

Fear ripped through Jade’s heart.
What are you saying, Tanner? Are you breaking up with me?
“I’m not sure what you mean by that … but I love you, Tanner. I just can’t pretend things are the same.”

Tanner paused. “Fine. Listen, I gotta go, Jade. I love you. I’ll be praying for you. Just because we made a mistake doesn’t mean God’s forgotten about us. Jeremiah 29:11 is still true. Okay?”

His words sounded hollow, forced … and Jade swallowed the lump in her throat. “Okay. ’Bye … I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. And I’ll write.”

They hung up, and Jade flopped onto her stomach, sobbing as if her heart would break.
Two months
. There would be no conversation between them for two months. He hadn’t been
gone two weeks, and already their relationship was strained.
What’ll happen in two months?

She turned onto her side. A collage of Kelso General’s sick children hung on the wall, and she stared at it. When was her last period, anyway? She calculated the dates as she’d done a dozen times since August thirty-first.…

What she and Tanner did hadn’t been planned, so they hadn’t used birth control. And now she realized that she’d been smack in the middle of her cycle. Her period was due tomorrow: September fourteenth. Ever since she was thirteen they’d come every twenty-eight days without fail. As predictable as her father’s drinking.

God, what’ll I do? What if I’m pregnant?

But instead of the Savior’s kind prompting, she heard unholy voices, voices that had haunted her since that Friday night at Tanner’s apartment.

Whore! Your father was right! You should have run off with Jim Rudolph. Tanner deserves better than a piece of trash like you
.

She closed her eyes, trying desperately to shut out the voices. For a moment she glanced at her Bible and considered looking through it for help. But she hadn’t been able to open it since Tanner left. She felt too dirty, too much a hypocrite to hold God’s perfect word in her filthy hands.

Her period did not come the next day or the next, and by Friday, three weeks after that night at Tanner’s apartment, Jade did not need a pregnancy kit to tell her she was with child. Nevertheless it was time to take the test. Otherwise she might never really accept the truth.

A few days later she drove to a remote part of town and found a drug store she’d never been to before. There she paid for a test that promised accurate results just one day after a missed period. She took the test home and performed it in the
bathroom, careful to hide the packaging in a brown paper bag. Three minutes later two pink lines appeared in the test-tube window, and she had her answer.

She was pregnant.

The next day she skipped classes and stayed in bed, suffocating beneath her warring emotions. At times she wept, thrashing about under her covers, wondering what had gone so wrong in their plans and why they’d been so weak that final night together.

Other times she was overcome with fear. What would she do? Where would she live? How quickly could she get word to Tanner? What kind of mother would she be?

The last question was easy. She would be everything her mother hadn’t been. Nothing and no one would ever separate her from the infant she carried. Regardless of the cost—and she was sure their choice that night would cost them much—she would love her child unconditionally as long as she drew breath.

If this were two years from now, Tanner and I would be celebrating
. Nothing could have contained what she knew would be their mutual excitement. And even in the midst of her turmoil, the reality of what had happened to her filled her with awe. Tanner’s child was within her … a baby created out of their love for each other.
Only we didn’t wait for God’s perfect plan, and now everything is wrong
.