A Moment of Weakness (9 page)

“Church folk are hypocrites,” her father would say when Sunday rolled around each week. “They like pointing fingers at ya. They’d recognize you as the daughter of a whore and make you leave the building.”

Jade had heard that a hundred times, and as she drove with Tanner south on I-5 she heard it again and again in her mind.

“What are you thinking about?” They passed Ridgefield and were heading toward Vancouver. According to Tanner’s calculations they’d be at Crossroads Church in fifteen minutes.

Jade stared out her side window. The rain of the week before had disappeared, and the past few days had been brilliantly sunny. With the blue sky as a backdrop, the layered brush and trees along the freeway looked vibrantly green. She turned to Tanner. “Whether they’ll like me.”

“Jade, they won’t even know you. Crossroads is a big church. We’ll just be two more people sitting in the pews.”

Still she had the feeling someone would know. Someone would spot her and recognize her for what she was and ask her to leave the building, just like her father had always said.

The parking lot was full, and traffic attendants directed the flow of cars leaving the earlier service as well as those arriving for the next one. Jade had never seen this kind of crowd at any
church gathering. The thought of being among so large a sea of people made her relax. Maybe she’d be safe after all.

Tanner walked alongside her, and for an instant Jade wished he would take her hand. He’d been careful not to since she’d pulled away that first day after the meeting. Of course, he’d held her hand that night at his apartment when she told him about her mother. But that was only for comfort. Now, even though it would never be true, she wished he’d hold her hand for different reasons: to show the world she belonged to him.

The church was filling up quickly, and they found seats near the back. Jade saw how comfortable Tanner was, reading the bulletin, filling in the blanks on the sermon outline form inside. She clutched her papers tightly and sat low in her seat. People greeted each other, hugging and smiling, and Jade took in all of it. In one of the pews, a cluster of people bent their heads together in what Jade assumed was prayer. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, only that they were saying it quietly, out loud.

Okay, God, I’m here. I’m finally in a church. Help me last through the hour without getting kicked out
.

Jade’s conversations with God were always very simple and to the point. She talked to him like she would a friend, as if he was always with her ready to hear what she had to say. This other prayer, this thing these people were doing, was not something she understood. She sat stone still, uncomfortable around so many good people.

The music started, and Jade was struck at how it filled the building. Full and professional sounding, the band up front included a piano, several guitars, drums, and a keyboard. The music filled Jade’s heart with peace, and again she felt the tension ease from her body.

She had figured church music would be like she’d heard it on television. Somber, sullen, sung in soprano with little emotion. The music at Crossroads was vastly different. The worship leader played the piano like no one Jade had ever heard. She listened carefully to the words. It was a song about how the Lord had torn down the walls around the hearts of his people and loved them through every step of their lives. And it was a commitment in turn to walk beside God and speak his truth as long as breath could be drawn.

The music built to a crescendo, and Jade was taken aback by what was happening around her. Scattered throughout the church, a number of people were closing their eyes, raising their hands while they sang.
What is this, God? What are they doing?
She glanced at the bulletin, somehow embarrassed by their strange actions. Near the printed words to the music was an invitation to join in the singing—
worship
they called it. There it also said that occasionally people might raise their hands while worshiping. It went on to explain that this was merely a spontaneous act of love toward God.

The band was repeating the song, and this time Jade felt herself humming along. The tune was catchy, the music enjoyable, and the words … Jade felt like she could have written them herself. They filled her heart to overflowing.

From you, Lord, I won’t part.… You’ve torn down walls around my heart.…

It was that part, the walls around the heart part, that sent chills down Jade’s arms and caused tears to well up in her eyes.
Is that what I’ve done, God? Put walls around my heart?
She closed her eyes.
Tear them down, God. I can’t breathe inside these walls
.

The third time through, she sang along and meant every word. She caught Tanner smiling at her and smiled back. And somewhere inside her heart she felt a rush of fresh air. There
were two more songs, and they, too, seemed to be written for Jade alone. But it was the fourth song that made her tears spill onto the bulletin in her hands. It talked about having a father who knew his children by name, one who was proud to call them his own, one who would never leave her no matter what.

One who didn’t think she was an idiot.

Jade sat, unmoving, ignoring the tears. Was this what it felt like to have walls torn down? Walls that had stood around her heart for more than ten years?

The music was over and a man stood to talk. Tanner had told her that the pastor, Bill Ritchie, could be heard on the radio across the country and that his sermons were powerful. Jade wasn’t sure what Tanner meant.

All she knew was that she wasn’t looking forward to the message.

This would be the part where he would get in their faces, condemn them and criticize them. He would shout and tell them they were terrible sinners and warn them about hell fire and brimstone. Then would come the part where he would demand they give money otherwise God couldn’t possibly have mercy on their souls.

Instead, Pastor Ritchie smiled. “Isn’t it a glorious day in the Lord? Let’s rise and give him thanks.”

The crowd was on its feet, and Pastor Ritchie was reading something from the Bible. It had a poetic ring to it, something about how God had known them from the beginning, how he had formed them in their mother’s wombs, and how all of their days were planned from the beginning.

Was it true, God?
Had he really formed her in her mother’s womb with plans for her from the start? Jade made a note to ask Tanner later where the Bible really said that.

For the next half hour the pastor talked about choices that
face all people at one time or another. The first choice, he told them, was whether or not to believe God’s claims about himself and his son, Jesus Christ. Rather than a lecture, Pastor Ritchie’s sermon was more like a fireside chat. He strolled from one side of the stage to the other, making eye contact with individuals and holding the audience captive in the process. Occasionally he’d chuckle out loud or smile fondly when giving examples about how people often worked all their lives to keep God out, only to give in when crisis hit.

“And let’s face it, folks,” Pastor Ritchie said. “We’re all going to have to deal with crisis at some point.”

Jade listened intently. The second choice, the pastor said, was whether people were willing to give their lives to the Lord and let him do with them what he wished. He talked about the futility of holding tightly to a life lived without Christ when there was such freedom in living alongside him.

The time flew by, and soon the pastor was winding up. Jade was mesmerized, spellbound by the way the man’s words made sense. She hadn’t glanced at Tanner once through the pastor’s sermon. She hadn’t looked anywhere but straight ahead, soaking in what the man was saying, amazed at how completely it applied to her.

Pastor Ritchie paused and studied the group of people before him. “The thing is, folks—” he held his arm up and pretended to stage an arm wrestling contest with an invisible opponent—“God won’t wrestle with you forever.” He let his arm fall forward. “Eventually he’ll let you have your way.” He hesitated again. “Let’s not let that happen. If you’ve never made a decision for Christ, isn’t it time? Shall we pray?”

Jade closed her eyes and felt the tears again. She had talked to God, but never tried to live for him. Tanner’s words from that night in her apartment came back to her
—the promises are
for anyone who loves the Lord, anyone who has given their life to God
. She’d kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to get close to him any more than she’d wanted to get close to anyone else. He wasn’t her Lord—he was another of her many acquaintances.

Pastor Ritchie was praying. “Father God, I know there are some here today who’ve never made you Lord, never given their lives completely to you. You brought them here today so they could finally make the right choice, take advantage of this opportunity so that not another day would go by without their names being written in the Lamb’s book of life.

“Oh, maybe they think they’re here because it was something to do on a Sunday morning, maybe a friend asked them here and that’s why they came—”

Jade wondered if someone had told him. How come everything he said seemed to apply directly to her? Had Tanner planned this? The pastor was finishing the prayer. “Of course we know the truth, Lord. You brought them here today so you could meet them where they are.” He paused and it was as though Jade could physically feel the walls around her heart crumbling. “With everyone in prayer, eyes closed, if you are one who wants to make Jesus the Lord of your life right here, right now, raise your hand, would you? Raise it high so I can see it.”

Jade squirmed in her seat, tears streaming down her face. She was tired of fighting through life on her own. And though she had no solid reason to believe the things Pastor Ritchie had said that morning, somehow she was desperate to do so. More than she’d ever wanted anything.

The pastor’s voice was kind, beckoning. “Anyone else. Please, don’t let another day go by. Believe me, there’s nothing outside those doors that matters more than meeting Jesus
Christ for the first time right here, right now, before another minute goes by … anyone else?”

And in that moment, as though her arm had a mind of its own, Jade’s hand was up.

It was true. She wanted to give her life completely to the savior that Pastor Ritchie had shared about, and she wanted to do it now, before another minute passed.

Eyes still closed, hand raised, Jade heard the pastor finishing his prayer, thanking God for those who had taken that first step of faith. The pastor paused. “Now, will those of you with hands raised please stand up. Come on, stand up. No one’s watching.”

Terror ran through Jade. She couldn’t stand up! Not here, among this sea of churchgoers. They would know she was different and ask her to leave. No, she wanted only to fade into the pew and treasure this decision quietly in her heart.

Stand, my daughter
.

She heard the voice deep within her soul and recognized it the way a child recognizes the voice of her daddy. God wanted her to stand, and with that knowledge she did so without hesitating.

Pastor Ritchie continued. “All right, now will those of you who are standing please make your way up here to the front. We have guys and gals who want to pray with you, help you nail down what a new life in Christ really looks like. It is absolutely essential that you do this. Come on, right up here.”

Jade leaned down and whispered to Tanner. “Come with me?”

He opened his eyes and she saw his unshed tears. Somehow he must have known the way God had been calling her. Maybe he had even prayed for her. He rose and walked with her toward the front of the church. From upstairs and
other areas, a handful of people—most of them with tearstained faces—were also making their way to the front where two men with kind eyes stood waiting.

“Let’s praise the Lord for what he has done here today among us,” he said. And then the pews of churchgoers, the people Jade had feared since she was a young girl, did something that nearly brought Jade to her knees.

They applauded.

Her father was wrong. They hadn’t looked on her with disdain, hadn’t asked her to leave. Instead they had shown her what it was to worship the Lord in song, they had listened alongside her to Pastor Ritchie’s amazing message.

And now … now they were clapping because of her decision.

T
ANNER HELD HER HAND AS THEY WALKED ACROSS THE CHURCH
parking lot, and she enjoyed the feel of his fingers intertwined with hers. Her soul felt remarkably light, and she was filled with an overwhelming sense of hope. Once they climbed inside Tanner’s car, he turned to her, his eyes glistening. “Is it what you really want, Jade?”

She studied his face and remembered that he had always been like this—concerned for her. She drew a deep breath. “All my life something has been missing. Now I know what it was.”

“I remember when I gave my life to the Lord.…” Tanner leaned against the car door, facing her. He was in no hurry to leave and Jade was glad. They hadn’t been able to talk yet, and she still had so many questions.

“When was that?”

Tanner’s gaze shifted to the distant mountains and the shimmering white peak of Mt. Hood. “I was in high school. A bunch of us went to a Young Life gathering, and for the first time I realized God wasn’t a program or a club or a part of my heritage. He was a living God, waiting for me to turn my heart to him.”

“Exactly.” Jade leaned forward, remembering the meeting they’d just had with one of the associate pastors in the church prayer room. “That’s how I felt in there. Like God was waiting for me to make a decision for him.”

Tanner nodded. “Back then our family attended Williamsburg Community Church. Same as your folks, I think.”

Jade nodded, and for a moment she started to hear her father’s bitter words.
You’re nothing but the daughter of a –

She shut them out and focused her attention on Tanner instead.

“Anyway, I’d never thought about having a personal relationship with God. That night I opened my heart and asked Jesus inside. I studied the Bible daily over the next few weeks, and at the end of the month I got baptized.”