A Moment of Weakness (7 page)

Especially someone like Tanner Eastman.

Jade sighed and stared into the dimly lit sky. It was nine and night would settle within the hour. Maybe she should throw on a pair of sweats and jog. Her mind was racing far too quickly to think about sleep. Jade felt as if she’d drifted downstream in time and was being sucked into a whirlpool of memories. Memories she’d almost forgotten.

She smiled. Who would have thought after all this time.? What if she hadn’t gone to the meeting? What if he’d chosen an internship somewhere else?

Seeing him again made her ache for the little girl she’d been and the way she had missed him so desperately the summer after she and her father had moved to Kelso. For three years, they’d been best friends. His parents were busy and so were hers. Together they found time for each other, a world where they chased butterflies and jumped rope and played house. He was the father and she was the mother. Or she was the sister
and he was the brother. Sometimes they would stay in character all day long.

Tanner’s mother didn’t like him going to other kids’ houses, so most of the time they played at his. His backyard was the stage for a hundred games of make believe and mysterious monsters and unrivaled challenges and story lines.

Jade remembered one of Tanner’s favorite games. She leaned her head back, and she could see them as they were more than a decade ago.

“Okay, Jade, close your eyes.” Tanner would take her hand and lead her to the corner of the yard. “See how much you trust me.”

“Not this again!”

“Come on, you love this one.” Tanner had been persuasive back then, too.

“Okay.” Once her eyes were closed he would lead her on an obstacle course through the yard. “Come on, Jade. Trust me; don’t open your eyes.”

“I won’t! I promise.”

And she hadn’t. Her trust in Tanner had been absolute.

The sky was growing black, and a handful of stars poked their way through the darkness. Even now those days with Tanner stood out as the happiest time in her life. The years since then had been wracked with disappointment and insecurity. Everyone who mattered had let her down. Everyone but Tanner. He was the only person she’d ever truly trusted.

Back then she’d been certain she would marry him one day. Other kids teased them about it, but secretly in her little girl heart, she knew it wasn’t a joke. How could she marry anyone else?

A lump formed in Jade’s throat and she swallowed hard. Everything had changed since then. Jade knew more about
marriage now, how it could make a person crazy.

She sighed. Every moment with Tanner tonight had been magical. They’d grown up in two completely different worlds, yet still they shared a bond that had not faded.

Tanner’s words from earlier that night echoed in her mind now.

“I want to see you tomorrow and the next day, and the next …” He’d stared deep into her eyes. “I want to know what you’re about now that you’ve grown up.”

Jade wanted to see him, too. She wanted to bare her heart to him the way she had as a child. But while the bond between them hadn’t seemed to change, their circumstances had. There was no way to bridge their worlds now. Tanner would never be interested in her. Besides his internship only lasted through the summer.

Still there was something about the way he had looked at her earlier that night that made her heart sing. If she hadn’t known him better, she would have said he looked at her the same way Jim Rudolph did.

And Jim Rudolph’s intentions were obvious.

Jade had met Jim when she was a freshman in high school. He was a senior that year, quarterback of the Kelso football team, a tall, stocky boy with a baby face. Most of the girls at Kelso dreamed of dating him, but Jade hadn’t been interested. Throughout high school she enjoyed dozens of acquaintances, but no lasting friendships. Close friends would eventually want to come over and meet her parents. And Jade was not willing to share that part of her life with anyone.

So she remained aloof. Girls envied her; boys found her a challenge, but she was never concerned with any of them. She found comfort in running and biking and reading mysteries. In the controlled world she had created for herself there was no
room for relationships of any kind.

But Jim Rudolph simply would not take no for an answer.

In Jade’s freshman year he followed her around campus between classes and asked her to every one of the school dances. Jade always told him no, but eventually she allowed herself to make small talk with him. It was harmless. Jim wasn’t a threat to her isolation.

After all, he could never love anyone the way he loved himself.

Still he persisted. Long after he moved to Corvallis and took a dormitory room on campus at Oregon State University, he continued his pursuit of her. He would stop by her house when he was home on break, chat with her father and wait for her to come home from school.

Jade made sure she never encouraged his attention, but he continued pursuing her all the same.

“I could have any girl I want, do you know that, Jade.”

“I’m so impressed, Jim.” She remembered busying herself in a magazine, staunchly ignoring his advances.

“Come on, Jade. You like me. Admit it.”

She had been bored with the conversation. “No, Jim. I don’t like you. I tolerate you.”

Jim had laughed like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. “Do you know how many girls would die to be in your shoes right now?”

Jade had glanced down at her bare feet and sighed impatiently. “I’m not wearing shoes, Jim.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Not really.”

He had studied her. “You play a better game of hard-to-get than any girl I know. You know what else?”

Jade was certain she hadn’t looked up. She rarely gave Jim
the privilege of eye contact. “What?”

“You’re not so bad looking for a girl who plays it cool.”

“Change the subject, Jim.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not interested. If you must come around and talk to me, then please stop pretending I’m your girlfriend. I’m not.”

He’d seemed indifferent. “You seeing someone else?”

“No. I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t
want
to see anyone. How much clearer can I be?”

“Fine. One day you’ll wise up and come to your senses.” Jim puffed out his chest. “But you better hurry. I won’t be free forever.”

Jade had a hundred memories of conversations like that one. Then, last summer, when Jim graduated from college, he did the craziest thing of all. She was working at a sporting goods store in town when he came in wearing a wide grin. He motioned for her and she followed him outside.

“Jade, I know this is a strange place to ask you …” He pulled a tiny velvety box from his pants pocket.

She remembered feeling deeply alarmed and then trapped, like she might suffocate. She knew what was coming, and she was helpless to stop it.

He opened the box and therein lay a smallish diamond ring. “I already asked your father.… What I’m trying to say is, I can’t wait around forever, Jade. I want to offer you the chance of a lifetime. Your daddy said so himself.” Jim had grinned and Jade thought she might hyperventilate. “What do you say? Marry me and let’s stop playing games with each other.”

She cringed now remembering her reaction. She had pushed the ring away and cried loudly. “Jim are you out of your
mind?
I don’t want to marry you. I don’t want to date you. I never have.”

He had stared at her blankly, then methodically closed the tiny box and hid it back in his pocket again. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“No,
you
don’t get it! You’ve hung around long enough that I consider you a friend. Not a great friend. Not even a good friend. But I have never given you the impression that what we have is more than a casual friendship.”

Jim’s face reflected the pain her words had caused him. But almost instantly his expression had changed and a wicked grin broke across his face. His eyes boldly roamed the length of her. “Don’t you see, Jade? You’re nothing. Nobody. Your father’s an alcoholic; you have no friends. What’re you going to do? Live alone for the rest of your life?” He shrugged as if she’d done little more than turn down an offer of dinner and a movie. “Have it your way. But one day you’ll come to your senses. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, Jade Conner. And don’t you forget it. Give me a call when you change your mind.”

Jim still called now and then, but Jade had the feeling he was giving up on her. He wasn’t a bad guy, really. Just shallow and self-centered, and the thought of being married to him made Jade nauseous.

She stretched and forced Jim’s face from her mind.

No, Tanner hadn’t looked at her the way Jim Rudolph had. Tanner saw straight into her soul. But he was also attending one of the finest universities in the country with plans to be elected to public office. He had a wonderful family, more money than she would ever see, and a future brimming with possibilities.

Whatever came of them this summer, it would not amount to more than friendship. Tanner deserved someone like himself.

And she … well, maybe her father was right. Maybe she
deserved someone like … like Jim.

If that were true, Jim had been right that day in the sporting goods store. Because she would rather live alone till the day she died than marry Jim Rudolph.

I
T STARTED WITH EVENING WALKS ALONG THE
C
OWLITZ
R
IVER
and up the trails through Tam O’Ashanter Park and quickly progressed to dinner every night that week. They ordered pizza and watched a baseball game at Tanner’s apartment. Another time they ate at a Chinese restaurant and flew kites on a bluff overlooking the banks of the Cowlitz River.

By the end of that first week, Jade hoped the summer would never end.

Most couples spending this kind of time together would have considered themselves dating. But Tanner had not looked at her again the way he had that first night, after the town meeting. He did phone her every day when he was finished at the office and seemed happy to spend time with her. But then, she was the only person in town he knew. Nothing in his manner or words gave her any indication that he desired more than friendship from her. He didn’t seem to think of her in a romantic sense, and Jade was glad. What could possibly come of it?

They lived in worlds separated by three thousand miles and a chasm of time too great to bridge.

Even so, Jade was enjoying herself immensely. She was surprised at how freeing it felt to spend evenings away from home. By the time she got home each night, her father was asleep, and she would creep to her room unnoticed. No yelling or threatening or accusations.

No one telling her she was an idiot.

It was Friday evening, and again Jade and Tanner had plans to be together after work. They met in front of his apartment just after six. Tanner greeted her with a hug and a bag of sub sandwiches. “Joe’s Deli?”

“Mmm. Good choice.”

“The supervisors said I couldn’t go wrong at Joe’s.”

Jade followed him inside. “The supervisors … ah, yes. My favorite people. At least they’re good for something.”

He flipped on a light, pulled out two paper plates, and set them on the table. “How’s Shaunie?”

Jade wasn’t used to someone asking about her day. Three days ago the question would have made her suspicious, but now she smiled as she sat down at the table. “The infection’s gone. So far her tests look good. She might be able to go home tomorrow.”

Tanner sat down across from her and peeled the wrappers off two subs. “Pray?”

Jade nodded and quickly bowed her head. Tanner had prayed often that week—over every meal and sometimes after spending an evening talking. Just to let God in on the conversation, he’d told her.

When he was done, he caught her gaze. “You care about her, don’t you?”

“Shaunie?” It was wonderful talking with someone who so easily read her mind. “Yes … like she was my own daughter.”

Tanner took a bite. “Think you’ll have a daughter one day? Kids?”

“I don’t know.” She glanced down at her plate where the sandwich looked suddenly wilted.

Tanner set his food down and leaned back in his chair. He studied her in silence for a moment then tilted his head. “Every time I bring up relationships you shut down.” His voice was
soft, and Jade could hear how much he cared for her, how much he wanted her to open up to him. But how could he understand what her life had been like? How it felt to have your mother leave and be raised by an alcoholic father?

She sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Tanner pushed his plate aside and rested his forearms on the table. He leaned toward her when he spoke. “No,
I’m
sorry. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just want to know you, Jade … what you’re thinking behind those beautiful eyes.”

Her heart skipped a beat, and she wanted to bolt from the table, escape back to the private solitude of her cluttered home and stuffy bedroom. She forced herself to remain seated, studying her plate.

“It’s about your mama, isn’t it?” Tanner inched his chair near hers, then reached out with gentle fingers to take her hand in his. “I’m here. If you want to talk about it.”

Jade had hidden her feelings about her mother for so long, she’d become expert at it. But being around Tanner that week had weakened more walls than she cared to admit. Right now, with Tanner stroking her hand and questions about her mother dangling in the air like so many skeletons, Jade felt the dam breaking.

She still hadn’t looked up, and as the tears gathered they spilled freely onto her plate.

Tanner must have seen them. He moved closer still, put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her close. “It’s okay, Jade. I’m here.”

She had never cried about her mother’s leaving, preferring denial at first and anger after that. But here, with Tanner’s breath against her face and her father miles away, she no longer had the desire to fight the pain that welled within her. Instead she slumped against Tanner’s shoulder and gave in to a torrent
of grief. He stroked her hair and turned so that his other arm embraced her also. In hushed tones he uttered caring words, calming words until her sobbing eased.