A Moment of Weakness (8 page)

“I’m so sorry.” Tanner was still stroking her hair and her back, comforting a place in Jade where the child still lived. A child who had spent too many years alone.

Tanner pulled away, found a tissue, and handed it to her. “It must have been awful.”

Jade blew her nose and leaned back, settling her gaze on his. She stayed that way a while, and Tanner waited, letting her decide when she was ready to talk. Like the tears, there had never been any place for words regarding her mother. Now finally she was ready. Tanner cared how she felt, what had happened to her after she moved from Williamsburg.

Jade drew a shaky, deep breath. “She never even said goodbye.”

Tanner kept his eyes trained on her.

“I still don’t know exactly what happened. Something, someone must have caught her attention. Whatever it was, she left and never looked back.”

“Did you ever ask your dad?”

Jade closed her eyes. “A hundred times. The answer was always the same. ‘Your mother’s a whore. Don’t bring her up again in this house.’ ” Jade’s voice echoed with anger as she recalled her father’s words. When it came to the disappearance of her mother, anger was the only emotion Jade’s father had ever displayed.

“So you still don’t know what happened?”

She shook her head, then hesitated. Tanner eased closer again, his arm around her shoulders once more. She struggled to find the right words. “There must have been some other man. Otherwise Daddy wouldn’t have called her a whore.”

Tanner stroked her arm, and Jade pulled slightly away so she could see his eyes. “You asked me if I want a daughter someday.” She blinked back fresh tears. “Probably not. Because that would mean getting married, and I’ve seen what marriage does to people.” A picture of her father passed out in his vomit came to mind, and she dismissed it. “I would only want a child if I could provide her the home I never had. A mom and a dad and security. A place where she would be loved.”

Tanner stroked her cheek again. Still he remained silent, and Jade knew he was giving her the space to say everything she’d never said. She sighed. “What kind of mother leaves her child and never looks back? She never called me or visited me or remembered my birthday. Didn’t she love me, Tanner? Didn’t she care about what I might feel when I was old enough to realize what she’d done? To realize she didn’t want me?”

She began crying again and through her tears her voice rose. She hated her mother for what she’d done, and it felt good to be able to finally say so. “Other little girls talked about their mamas … how they baked or shopped for them, how they curled their hair or helped them with their homework.

“Every time someone asked me about my mother I felt like a piece of my heart was being strangled.”

Jade relaxed against Tanner’s chest and stared at a picture on the wall. The image of Tanner and his parents outside their home in Virginia smiled back at her. She closed her eyes. How could Tanner relate to this sorry picture of her adolescence?

Jade clung to Tanner. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t relate. She felt utterly safe and cared for, and now that she had begun, she wanted him to know everything.

“I was thirteen when I got my period. We’d seen the film in school, but I wasn’t ready. When I saw how much I was bleeding, I hid in my backyard behind a trash pile. I cried and cried,
scared about what was happening to me.”

She craned her head and found his eyes again. “Do you know what I thought? I thought I was dying, Tanner. Because I didn’t have a mother to tell me … I had to sneak into my dad’s wallet and steal five dollars so I could buy pads at the corner store. I wasn’t even sure how to use them or where the blood was coming from.”

The memory churned in her stomach. She faced Tanner. “I could never, ever in a million years do that to a child. If I had a child I’d want him to have two parents, so he would know he was loved by a mother and a father.”

Tanner was silent, listening, watching her. Jade felt more tears and she blinked them back. “I’d cherish everything about him. The baby years, the toddler years. Kindergarten and grade school. I’d volunteer in his classroom and take him with me on walks. I’d make scrapbooks of his life so he could see where he came from and know where he was going. I would be his closest friend in the world, and we’d love each other forever.” Jade paused. “Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about the children’s unit at Kelso General.”

Tanner placed his finger under her chin and Jade could see in his eyes that he understood. When he spoke his voice was filled with compassion. “Those are your children. You don’t want me or the board or anyone else taking them away from you.”

Jade nodded. “I can’t tell you how many times my dad has told me I’m nothing, a nobody without a future.… But when I’m with those sick babies, I know what I’m supposed to do with my life. That’s why I was so mad that day at the meeting.”

Tanner still cupped her face with his hand, tracing her jaw and staring deeply into her eyes. “Your father says that to you?”

He was clearly horrified, obviously unable to fathom a
father like hers, and again Jade felt their differences. “All the time.”

“You don’t need that, Jade. The man isn’t good enough for a daughter like you. You should leave home. Get a place of your own.”

Jade nodded. “I will. As soon as I finish my nurse’s training.”

Tanner stood then and moved across the room. When he returned, he held what looked like a Bible. “I want to show you something.”

“In the Bible?” What did this have to do with her sordid life? Jade watched as Tanner flipped his way through the pages. She noticed highlighted areas throughout and tiny scribbling in the margins. Apparently Tanner was a man who took the Bible seriously. He quickly found what he was looking for.

“Here it is. In Jeremiah. God was reassuring the people through the prophet Jeremiah that if they turned their hearts toward him, he would be faithful with them for all times.”

Jade nodded, still not sure what this had to do with her.

“I want to read you something from Jeremiah twenty-nine.” He put his finger on the section of text, and Jade saw it was already highlighted. “ ‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”

Tanner passed the Bible to Jade. “Here, read it again.”

Jade read it to herself and then looked at him. “What does it mean?”

He angled his head back thoughtfully and considered her question. As he did, a feeling, a hot sensation spread across her cheeks, and again their differences seemed glaringly obvious. “I uh … well … we didn’t read the Bible much.”

There was nothing condescending in Tanner’s expression,
but Jade had the sense he could see into her soul, as if he knew her heart long before she was willing to frame her thoughts with words. She hung her head slightly. “Okay, never … We, well, we weren’t exactly church-goers.” She hesitated. “I talk to God sometimes, though. When there’s no one else to talk to.”

Tanner’s eyes lit up. “Good. That’s all this is, really. God’s way of talking back to us.” He pointed to the verse in Jeremiah again. “So what you see there is a promise that applies to anyone who puts their trust in the Lord, just like it applied to God’s people back then. Because that’s how God feels about those who love him.” Tanner ran his finger under the words again. “I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.”

It sounded nice, Jade had to admit. But had she ever put her trust in the Lord? She didn’t think so, but she wasn’t willing to discuss it with Tanner. Not now. She tried to imagine how different her life might be if the Bible verse were true. Almighty God? A plan for her life? She didn’t think so, but it was comforting to think about. “Thanks, Tanner.”

“Do you believe it?”

She shrugged. “Hasn’t happened so far.”

Tanner’s shoulders dropped. “That’s why it’s so important that you accept him as your.” Something in his eyes withdrew. “Never mind … I’m not trying to confuse you, Jade. But you’ve got to believe God loves you. Your life’s just beginning. Don’t you see?”

“I see that our sandwiches are wilting.”

He eyed the partially eaten subs and smiled. “I get the point. Topic closed.”

They finished eating and watched the movie—a comedy Jade had seen twice before. But watching it with Tanner made every line new, and she laughed until she could barely breathe.
When it was over, they sat facing each other on his rented sofa.

“I have an idea.” Tanner laid his arm across the back of the sofa so that it was nearly touching Jade’s shoulder.

“I’m listening.”

“Come with me Sunday to Portland. I’ve been so busy I haven’t called my mother in days. I promised I’d see her this weekend—” he leaned closer and his eyes clouded with doubt, as though he was sure she’d say no before he finished asking—“we could go to church in the morning and spend the afternoon with my mom. Have dinner at her house, something like that.”

Panic coursed through Jade’s veins. She’d barely known Tanner’s mother back when they were children. Even though she hung out at his house, his mother rarely made herself available or went out of her way to be kind to Jade. “Do you think she’d want me to come?”

Tanner moved closer so that his arm rested against her, and there was a flicker of something deeply intimate in his eyes. Once more he drew nearer to her, then—as though he’d changed his mind—he stood and leaned casually against the wall. He looked down at her, and for an instant his eyes darted along the length of her. Then just as quickly they connected with her eyes again. What was that look on his face? Almost as if she could see a piece of his soul, a piece she couldn’t quite read. Was he nervous? Afraid of saying something wrong? Whatever it was, he was trying to hide it.

“Of course she would. You’re a familiar face from the old neighborhood. She’ll be thrilled that we ran into each other again after all these years.”

Jade imagined dinner with a cultured woman like Doris Eastman. She was proper, a regular churchgoer—and Jade was terrified at the thought of trying to meet the woman’s approval.

But it might be nice … spending a day at church with Tanner, then the two of us being with his mother.…

Tanner was waiting for her answer. “Do it, Jade. It’ll be great. I know this amazing church ten minutes from my mom’s house. Crossroads. Lots of people, great music, incredible preaching. You’ll love it.”

Jade drew a deep breath. “Promise she’ll like me?”

He laughed. “My mother? Be serious. What in the world’s not to like?”

“Okay. Want the truth?”

Tanner nodded.

“The church thing has me interested.”

“Good.” He broke into a grin. “I’ll call Mom tomorrow and let her know.”

Jade stood and moved closer to him. “I should get going. I’ve got to be at the hospital early—”

She paused when he shifted away from her. Confused, she looked at him—and frowned. There it was again. The strange fear thing in his eyes. Like she’d caught him thinking something he wasn’t supposed to be thinking. He moved away abruptly and crossed the room to get a drink of water. When she followed, he moved with his glass to a lone chair in the corner of the room.

Stopping in her tracks, Jade planted her hands on her hips and shook her head at him. “Are you trying to avoid me?” She was teasing, not sure what to make of his nervous behavior.

For a moment, Tanner opened his mouth but no words came out. Then he smiled the smile that Jade was sure would one day win him thousands of votes in public office. “Yes, in fact I am.” He waved his hand near his face and wrinkled his nose. “Onion breath. I don’t want to knock you over. I should have known better than to order onions on the subs.”

Jade laughed and collected her purse and car keys. “Mine can’t be much better. Hey, thanks again for dinner.” She grinned, still caught up in the laughter. “Especially the onions.”

Tanner walked her to the door and watched her go. When she was halfway down the sidewalk he yelled out to her, “Talk to you tomorrow.”

Her car was parked just outside his front door, and he watched her until she had climbed inside and drove off. As she made her way through town toward the city dump, she had the unusual feeling that all was right with her world. She had laughed more that night than the past five years combined.

It was Tanner, of course. He made her heart feel light as the summer breeze dancing over the Cowlitz River, as though she were normal for the first time in her life. As though she didn’t have a mother who’d abandoned her and an alcoholic father at home.

As though the only friend she had in the world weren’t only passing through her life for one golden summer.

Tanner watched her drive away. Then he closed the door, sank against it, and blew out the air that had been collecting in his lungs all night. His voice was a frustrated moan. “Jade. You’re killing me.”

Onion breath. That was believable enough. He sure couldn’t tell her the truth: that every time she got close, his flesh was being assaulted by incredible feelings he’d never imagined existed. He could hardly tell her that after the movie, with the two of them so close on the sofa, all he’d wanted to do was take her in his arms and … and …

He closed his eyes.
Lord, I’m struggling here. Why does she make me feel this way? I can’t even be near her without wanting to
kiss her, to hold her, to … Lord help me. What I really want is for Jade to come to know you. I should be leading her to you, not … well, you know.”

It was a feeble prayer, but it was all he could manage.

No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man.…

The words echoed deep in his soul, and he felt a wave of reassurance. God was with him. He heard Tanner’s prayers and he understood. Tanner recalled the rest of the Scripture and knew that God would not let him be tempted beyond what he could bear. And that when he was tempted, the Lord himself would provide a way out.

Tonight, without a doubt, God had done exactly that.

I
T WASN’T THAT
J
ADE HAD EVER SUFFERED A BAD EXPERIENCE IN
church. Rather it was simply that her father hated the place. He insisted it was some church back in Virginia that had forced them out of town, across the country to Kelso.