A Moment of Weakness (13 page)

Do this, my son
.

The voice was clear and Tanner closed his eyes.
Lord, is this what you want? Is this where you’re leading me?

It would mean taking extra courses in the summer so he could still graduate with his class, but suddenly it was the single thing he wanted most in life. Jade was right. He could see religious freedom being stripped away all around him, and now he was being called to do something about it. He would take the trip, graduate, and marry Jade. Then he would enroll in law school and after that, he’d open shop. He would take on the liberal special interest groups bent on destroying religious freedom, and he would rely on the Lord’s strength every step of the way.

He would make the phone call in the morning.

His mother would simply have to understand.

T
HE DAYS DISSOLVED LIKE SO MANY HOURS UNTIL FINALLY IT WAS
Friday. Their last day together.

Tanner presented Lang and the others on the board with a stack of briefs detailing the conclusions he’d reached on the budget issue and several other items he’d been involved with. Good-byes were exchanged and Lang patted him firmly on the back.

“I expect to see your name on a ballot one day, my boy.”

Tanner smiled. The two had enjoyed a friendship that complimented their working relationship. But a twinge of guilt tugged at Tanner’s conscience. His name would never be on a ballot if things went as he hoped they would. He thought about the phone calls he’d made that week—everything was in order, but he had yet to tell anyone about his decision. Not Lang, not his mother. Not even Jade. He would do that tonight when they were together.

He nodded to Lang as he finished packing up his cubicle. “You never know. Maybe it’ll be the other way around.”

They made small talk until finally Tanner heaved his box of belongings into his arms and left. On the way home he picked up a Hawaiian pizza with olives—something he and Jade had shared every Friday night since they had run into each other back in June.

She was waiting outside his apartment for him, and when he approached her he could see she’d been crying. “Jade …” He
set the pizza box down on the roof of her car and drew her into a full embrace. They remained that way until he felt the flames of desire begin to dart through his body.

Be careful, my son.…

Yes, tonight especially
. Tanner knew he would have to be especially cautious if this was the way his body was going to react to a sympathetic hug.

Jade pulled away and sniffed, wiping a hand under one eye. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet. I can’t.”

Tanner understood. It would be hard enough to say goodbye without starting the process now. He held the pizza against his body with one hand and took her arm with the other. They were both tired of looking for ways to spend time together in public. Tonight they had given themselves permission to visit at his apartment. Just the two of them for the last time in what might be months.

Neither of them was hungry, so they talked about work and school and church news—anything but the fact that in twenty-four hours he’d be gone. They watched a sitcom, and when it was over they turned off the television and played three games of backgammon, all the while pretending summer would stretch on forever and that this wasn’t the last night they’d have together.

Finally, sometime after nine o’clock, Tanner heated up the pizza, and they sat down to eat. The mood between them had changed and neither was willing to make small talk. The night was drawing to a close, and sooner or later they would have to find a way to say good-bye.

They ate their pizza in silence, allowing a somberness to fall over the meal despite Tanner’s intention to avoid the sadness until the last possible moment. Finally, Jade pushed her half-eaten pizza aside and turned toward him.

He contorted his face into different shapes as he ate, trying desperately to make her smile. “All right, come on. You’d better smile or I’ll have to call in the tickle police.”

Jade shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I can’t.”

He sighed and set the rest of his pizza back on his plate. Her eyes were so green when she was sad. He ran his thumb over her left brow and smoothed her hair back behind her ear. It was hard to believe that by the following night, three thousand miles would separate them. “I won’t be gone forever.… I told you I’ll visit.”

She nodded and blinked, sending two tears spiraling down her cheeks. “It won’t be the same. I want you to stay.…”

“Me, too. But I can’t.”

“I know.” She blew a loose strand of hair off her forehead. Her eyes grew distant and her tone hard. “Your political career awaits you.”

It was time to tell her. No point in making her wait until the end of the evening to know what he’d done, how she had caused him to change the direction of his entire life’s plan. He lifted her chin so that their eyes met again. “I have something to tell you.”

Jade did not look enthused. “What?”

“Ah, come on, Jade. You can sound more excited than that.” He grinned at her, but still the sorrow on her face remained, and Jade said nothing.

“All right, then. Time to call in the tickle police.” He wiggled his fingers up into her armpits and jabbed twice at her ribs.

“Don’t!” Jade laughed, and the sound of it made Tanner’s heart soar. He continued, poking her, tickling her mercilessly until she leapt from the chair and placed it between them. “Stay back!”

Tanner tried a few more jabs but she kept her distance. “Here I come.” He stood up and started for her as she uttered a short scream.

“Stop!”

“Okay, okay, relax.” He raised his hands in surrender and grinned breathlessly. “I’m done. No more tickling.”

She waited, and when Tanner kept his promise, she pushed away the chair that separated them and placed her hands on her hips. “That’s better. Now, what news were you going to tell me?”

“News?” He was having trouble thinking with her standing so near, breathing hard from being tickled. He pulled her to him instead and kissed her. “I love your smile, Jade. Don’t stop smiling just because summer’s over.”

She kissed him back and then whispered, “Okay.”

He found her mouth again and moved his lips over hers, massaging her jaw gently with his thumb. “Remember what Scripture says in Jeremiah. ‘I know the plans I have for you …’ ”

“ ‘… plans to give you hope and a future.’ ” Her voice was barely audible, and they remained in each other’s arms, their eyes locked. “Now … what were you going to tell me?”

Tanner struggled to control the feelings that welled up inside him. There was no end to the longing her nearness caused him. Reluctantly he pulled away. “Okay … come on. I’ll show you.”

She looked around. “What?” Her eyes scanned the room.

“Come on, it’s back here.” He motioned for her to follow. He had planned on leaving her in the living room. He’d go get what he was after and bring it back to show her. But he didn’t want to miss a moment with her.

Be careful, my son … be careful
.

Don’t worry, I will
. He wasn’t a fool. He had no intention of
letting things get out of hand tonight with Jade. There was no reason to worry, just because the flyer and the gifts he had for Jade were in his bedroom. It was merely a matter of convenience.

She followed him through the living room, then hesitated. He turned around and laughed. “Come on, don’t worry. I won’t bite.”

She raised a doubtful eyebrow, but he laughed again. “Jade, you have to trust me.… Come on, silly. This’ll just take a minute. Besides, it’s almost time for your curfew.”

Sadness fell over her face at the thought, but she followed him in silence. When they were in his bedroom, he directed her to sit on the foot of the bed.

“What’s going on?”

“You’ll see.” He went to the desk, opened a drawer, and pulled out a single long-stem red rose, an envelope, and the flyer regarding the trip to Hungary. Then he turned around and joined her on the foot of the bed. “Here. These are for you.”

Tears filled her eyes again and she tilted her head, looking from him to the rose and back again. She was clearly too choked up to speak.

“Read it.” Tanner leaned toward her and braced an arm behind her so their sides were touching.

Jade dabbed at a tear as she opened the envelope and pulled out a greeting card with a picture of a breathtaking rainbow across the front. She opened it, and over her shoulder Tanner read the words he’d written earlier that day. “My sweetest Jade … from beginning to end, this has been the summer of my dreams. God has used you in so many ways to draw me closer to him, closer to everything he has wanted for me. One day soon I want to marry you. But not yet. I have some planning to do first. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of
you always, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. I love you, Jade. Thank you for opening my eyes. All my love, all the time, Tanner.”

Scribbled underneath he had written the verse that had come to represent everything they shared. The verse he had spoken to her only minutes earlier. “I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jade finished reading and closed the card. Her arms moved slowly around his neck, and as she held him, he could feel her beginning to sob.

He ran his hand softly down the back of her head. “It’s okay, Jade, honey. I love you. I’m not going away for good. Hey—” he pulled back—“there’s something else I have to show you.”

She drew three quick, convulsive breaths, and Tanner could see she was trying to compose herself, trying to keep a flood of tears from letting go. She waited while he presented her with the flyer. “What’s … what’s this?”

“Open it.” Tanner grinned and watched as Jade unfolded the paper. A moment passed as she read over the details, and when she looked up at him, her eyes were filled with questions. “I don’t get it.”

“I found that flyer almost a year ago. Think about it, Jade … what better place than Hungary to study what happens when religious freedom is taken away?”

“Hungary?” Her voice was quiet.

“Yes. I picked up the flyer and carried it with me because I wanted so badly to go.” He hesitated. “Only there was no way I ever would. Not as long as my goal was public office. But after our talk the other day I knew I had to go. I wouldn’t be happy unless I did.”

“But … what about your classes?” She ran a trembling hand through her hair.

“I called the university and made arrangements, then I contacted Youth with a Mission. They had room for me so I paid in full. I leave in two weeks for Hungary.”

“How long will you be gone?” Jade searched the flyer.

“Two months.” Tanner grinned, proud of himself for finally making this decision. “But I’ll write.”

“Two months in Hungary?” Jade looked bewildered, almost fearful. “What about …”

Suddenly Tanner understood her fears. She thought he was cutting her out of the picture, and he rushed to explain himself. “Don’t you see, Jade? I’ll take the trip, work extra hard to graduate in May, and then next summer I want us to get married. After that I’ll be going to law school for a few years, and when I’m finished, I’ll take my place in the fight for religious freedom. It’s my life and I’m going to do what I want with it, what God has planned for me.”

Jade scanned the flyer again. “Wow. I can’t believe it.”

Tanner studied her and a sliver of doubt pierced his heart. Why wasn’t she excited about his plans?
She loves me, doesn’t she, God?
He believed her feelings for him were sincere, and yet she’d never said the words. Never declared her love. He took her hands in his. It was time to find out.

“Jade, you know how much I love you.…” She nodded, a faint smile curving the corners of her lips. He paused. “But … but you’ve never told me if you feel the same way.” He kissed her once, tenderly. “You’ve never told me you loved me.”

Tears came to her eyes again, and he forced himself to continue. “Do you?”

She circled her arms around his neck once more and hugged him, resting her face against his chest. When she spoke, she pulled away and looked into his soul. “You’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

“Really?”

She nodded and traced his lips with her finger. “I used to imagine I’d marry you one day, even back when we were kids.”

He was flooded with relief. “Me, too.”

“I think I loved you even back then, Tanner.”

He moved his lips against hers as he ran his hands along her back and the sides of her neck. “I love you, Jade. Marry me.…”

She was crying openly now, and when he kissed her again he tasted her tears. Her sobs made it difficult to hear her answer but he heard it all the same. “Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you, Tanner.”

His mouth covered hers and he held her closer.

Get out of the bedroom!

The warning sounded clearly in his mind, but he brushed it off. What difference did it make what room they were in? It was their last night together, after all. Tanner stroked the back of her head and drew her to him again. “God brought us together … and when I leave tomorrow, I’ll take you with me in here.” He touched the area over his heart. Then he placed his hands on her shoulders and searched her eyes. “We’ll be together again, Jade. I promise.” Their kiss was longer this time. “I’ll never, ever leave you.”

He took her hands in his and felt a strong reaction to the contact. But this time he didn’t hear any warnings. Instead, he pulled her close, nestling her against him. Softly, near her ear, he whispered the truth: “I never could have done this if it hadn’t been for you.” He drew back and saw that Jade’s eyes glistened with happy tears.

“Does your mother know?”

“I’ll tell her tomorrow.”

Their kiss was more urgent this time, and after a few minutes
he felt her stiffen in his arms. She pulled away and caught her breath. “I should go. You have to get up early.”

“Okay, soon.” Tanner studied her eyes, memorizing her. He would never forget how she looked, sitting beside him in her sleeveless denim shirt and cutoffs. Eyes as green as they’d been back when she was a child. She would always be the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.