12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (7 page)

Lucky bandage:
Triangular
Lucky process:
Osmosis

T
AURUS

A square Saturn means a bit of a mixed bag fortune-wise. A rash purchase of a packet of iced-gems means that you will need to visit the dentist to have the hole in the roof of
your mouth repaired. You may be jostled in the lift by David Cameron who will try to sell you a set of used cummerbunds.

Lucky wave:
Sine
Lucky ointment:
Bonjella

G
EMINI

This week there will be a wild-west air about the home. You will be forced to confront your partner after a series of restless nights during which you are woken repeatedly by
loud ‘mooing’ noises from the bathroom. On investigating, you will find a herd of Longhorns with no rational explanation for their presence other than, ‘I found them on the way
home’.

Lucky vessel:
Spitoon
Lucky pine:
Lonesome

C
ANCER

This week you are offered the lead role in a Bond-style remake of a Greek tragedy,
Oedipussy
in which you are involved in a love-triangle with Isosceles and Pythagoras,
but a protracted argument about camera angles halts the production. Try to remain stoic.

Lucky rhythm:
Samba
Lucky lubricant:
Lard

L
EO

There may be a misunderstanding about a gift this week. So, even if someone offers you a pearl necklace, make sure you know what is expected of you before accepting. Toward the
weekend, troublesome Mars means that you won’t get that hole in your best socks darned again. Those with Saturn rising may dream about bats with beards.

Lucky colour:
Puce
Lucky snack:
Black grape and brie ciabatta

V
IRGO

The week starts with the New Moon in an area of your chart that inclines you toward night-cramps. There may be a misunderstanding in the butchers on Thursday when you are
mistaken for Carol Vordermann. Try to keep your dignity intact.

Lucky garnish:
Parsley
Lucky prank:
Whoopie cushion

L
IBRA

Sunday’s New Moon means that during community whistling, you’ll probably forget the opening two bars of Schubert’s
Marche Militaire
again. But it will
also bring you an unexpected piece of good fortune in that no-one will be listening anyway. You may be in trouble over forgetting to oil those gate hinges.

Lucky shoes:
Black brogues
Lucky ligament:
Anterior Cruciate

S
CORPIO

A frustrating week starts off with a fruitless quest to track down Cyrillic Alphabetti-Spaghetti on Wednesday. The forecast for the weekend isn’t much better with
variable 3 or 4 at first in Northwest Rockall, occasional drizzle, moderate to good. On Friday, you will be both surprised and delighted with the range and flexibility of frozen Hake loins in the
Co-op.

Lucky font:
Times New Roman
Lucky affliction:
Shepherd’s Bush

S
AGITTARIUS

It was only a matter of time before someone found out about your collection of celebrity nose-hair. The best you can now hope for is that they don’t find the toenail
clippings in your vanity case. A tall stranger may break in and do all your ironing.

Lucky potato:
Maris Piper
Lucky haircut:
Mohican

C
APRICORN

This week sees you on a bit of a roller coaster. Alton towers have increased their payload by 50%. Mercury is moving into dynamic Aries, which means your mower is now overdue
for a service. Thursday’s Full Moon indicates that you could suffer from some gossip about you and yours. Just ignore it, you still have the negatives – and the egg-whisk.

Lucky literary device:
Metaphor
Lucky accent:
Welsh

A
QUARIUS

Uranus has just moved into Gemini, so on Tuesday you can expect to become the new ‘face’ of Revlon Cosmetics. Be extra careful with root vegetables especially after
that incident last week – you don’t want to have to explain that ‘fall in the greenhouse’ to your doctor again.

Lucky shade:
Violet
Lucky whelk stall:
Tubby Isaacs

P
ISCES

An interesting aspect between Venus and Pluto indicates that you should get some exercise, but not the way you’ve been doing, which is not only ethically wrong but
technically illegal. Mercury is in Taurus, so don’t take what the butcher said seriously-he doesn’t even know the Club secretary.

Lucky toothpaste:
Aquafresh
Lucky craft:
Knitting

A
RIES

With Mercury high in the section of your chart that governs your career you should buy that tank top you’ve been admiring for weeks – A smart outfit will come in
handy when you need to start looking for another job. You may experience a setback towards the end of the week, when you find out that despite a positive test, it is only water retention after
all.

Lucky pudding:
Blancmange
Lucky accessories:
Snorkel & flippers

T
AURUS

Venus is retrograde in Mercury this week, which means that your boss could well deliver a bombshell on Wednesday. Fortunately a trine Saturn means that the fuse is likely to be
faulty and it won’t go off. On Friday, a woman with overly stout body hair will show you her gazebo.

Lucky enzyme:
Insulin
Lucky panto:
Mother Goose

G
EMINI

At long last things for Gemini are looking up. On Tuesday, a lovely aspect between the Sun in Virgo, related to Gemini by the common rulership of Mercury in the area of your
chart affecting foot-care means that you will finally sort out that bunion once and for all. Despite advice to the contrary, loon-pants are not staging a comeback.

Lucky utensil:
Ronco AutoChop
Lucky facial expression:
Bemused

C
ANCER

Your ruler, The Moon, is now travelling hand in hand with Uranus, planet of surprises – so you could be accident-prone. On Thursday, a man with welder’s gauntlets
and a box of herrings may shout at you from the bushes. Try not to let him affect your backswing.

Lucky interjection:
‘Huh!’
Lucky Womble:
Orinoco

L
EO

Mercury goes retrograde on Wednesday, which for you signifies the beginning of a new phase in your life. Unfortunately, it’s just like the old phase, so no-one will
notice. Saturn rising indicates that your new teeth will be ready on Friday, just in time for ‘celery night’ at Stringfellows.

Lucky olive:
Kalamata
Lucky religion:
The Rosicrucians

V
IRGO

Just for once, try to voice your feelings this week. Let people know what you think for a change. On Wednesday, a gooseberry surprise will turn out to be rather dull and
predictable. On Friday, a white-haired man with a sparse beard will attempt to stow-away in your hand luggage. Try to ignore his plaintive cries for cheese.

Lucky lunch:
Tripe & Onions
Lucky currency:
The Vietnamese Dong

L
IBRA

This week fickle Pluto thwarts your attempt to become the world’s strongest woman. On Thursday the Duke of Edinburgh passes on some good news about your search for
reduced-calorie chewing-tobacco. At the weekend you should keep a tight rein on your urges as Ricky Martin is in town, and he hasn’t forgotten Wantage even if you have.

Lucky composer:
Erik Satie
Lucky pickle:
Red cabbage

S
CORPIO

Rising Mercury suggests you need more change in your life right now. Try checking down the back of the sofa. On Tuesday a square Jupiter indicates that there may be trouble
ahead. But while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, just wear your blue nylon pants.

Lucky Clipper:
The Cutty Sark
Lucky fielding position:
Fine-leg

S
AGITTARIUS

On Thursday, a rare and wonderful trine between Mars and Neptune is perfectly placed to enable you to sleep right through the alarm and turn up for work looking like one of
those men you see in the park talking to bottles of cider. Beware of those ground-hugging mists you get in shampoo commercials.

Lucky feature:
Hazard lights
Lucky taxi driver:
Brian

C
APRICORN

The Full Moon in Mercury means a crisis of confidence on Wednesday afternoon when you can’t decide between the Belgian Bun and the Eccles Cake. On Friday the back of your
legs will be severely slapped by a forthright lady colleague with firm views on summer bedding. Uranus rising indicates that your contract-flooring business will continue to go from strength to
strength.

Lucky ailment:
Travelling Wilburys
Lucky instrument:
Endoscope

A
QUARIUS

Money is a little tight this week, and with the Full Moon in challenging Saturn on Wednesday, it looks like you’ll have to wait another month for those tyres for your
Sprite Wayfarer caravan. This will come as a bitter blow to your partner who was particularly looking forward to Prestatyn next week.

Lucky instrument:
Timpani
Lucky cartoon:
Bleep & Booster

P
ISCES

An interesting aspect between Saturn and Pluto this week could mean that you are contemplating an image change. Having always been a slave to fashion, it will come as something
of a surprise to your colleagues to see you giving up the Versace leather catsuit. On Wednesday, a chubby man with abundant dandruff will give you a good tip for the 4.10 at Kempton Park.

Lucky mammal:
The Agouti
Lucky allsort:
Liquorice

A
RIES

Volatile Neptune enters your third house on Tuesday when you leave the bathroom window open. This leads to a swarm of masonry bees taking up residence in the equipment closet
and refusing to leave until you give them the correct handshake.

Lucky cardboard:
Corrugated
Lucky fabric:
Senegal tweed

T
AURUS

An interesting week during which new opportunities present themselves. A square Pluto indicates you’ll make significant progress toward converting coal-tits to smokeless
fuel. On Wednesday, Mars entering your sign means that you make the surprising discovery that you are allergic to vowels.

Lucky tribe:
Commanche
Lucky diagram:
Venn

G
EMINI

This week’s square Saturn means that it’s payday again. Were it not for the fact that your Mother still makes you write a ‘thank you’ letter to the
company chairman every month, you’d have very little to concern you. On Friday, a trine Mercury leads you to discover a unique way to separate Siamese cats.

Lucky handshake:
DTs
Lucky craving:
Apple doughnut

C
ANCER

There may be a misunderstanding about your forthcoming lead role in the costume drama ‘Marge of the Light Brigade’. You thought you were getting paid, the producers
thought you were a stalker. The Full Moon is in your birthsign on Monday, so there!

Lucky range:
Aga
Lucky statue:
Rodin’s ‘The Thinker’

L
EO

Once again, troublesome Mars means that you are unlikely to track down the proof of the pudding this week, and must wait until Tuesdays waning Moon to discover the current
position. On Friday you will be taken to task about your views on the use of skiffle as a muscle relaxant.