12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (3 page)

Lucky restorative:
Wincarnis
Lucky move:
Knight to Kings-Bishop 5

L
EO

However ambitious you are, you like to have your home to return to and then close the door. This week, however, you feel like flinging the door open and offering invitations to
all and sundry, your friends, family, and anyone involved in marine-insurance. Watch out for a drama involving blue socks and a vintage threshing machine on Thursday.

Lucky weed:
Cleavers
Lucky polish:
Mr. Sheen

V
IRGO

There seems to be conflict in the area of your chart concerned with replacement windows. A trine Pluto will almost certainly mean trouble over setting your neighbour’s
Aunt on fire on Thursday. A rare breed of Chinchilla and a pint of out-of-date mushroom soup will unexpectedly provide the perfect alibi.

Lucky excuse:
Pyrokenesis
Lucky accelerant:
Four star

L
IBRA

Saturn goes retrograde in your sign on Tuesday, which indicates that you should think carefully about your entry for the world pro-celebrity Buckaroo championships in
Chelmsford. You can take advantage of the vogue for live action remakes of cartoon shows, as your ideal role of ‘Foghorn Leghorn’ is up for grabs at the end of the week.

Lucky sauce:
Worcester
Lucky knot:
Sheep-shank

S
CORPIO

Capricorn rising and a troublesome aspect between the Sun and Pluto means that on Wednesday the wine merchants will mess up your sherry order again, leaving you a bottle of
cream for your dry sack. Everybody makes mistakes, so try not to rub it in. The Moon rising in Aquarius indicates that new net-curtains are on the cards.

Lucky snack:
Liquorice bootlaces
Lucky fragrance:
Old Spice

S
AGITTARIUS

Saturn has turned retrograde in your sign this week. After the relaxing few days you’ve recently enjoyed this will mean a return to the same old routine. But looking on
the bright side, that rash that you thought might be Ebola actually turns out to be just Scurvy.

Lucky island:
Canvey
Lucky trade:
Haberdashery

C
APRICORN

Your Venus is looking increasingly ill-at-ease of late which may help to explain the trouble you’ve had getting satisfactory results from your new shoe-trees. On Tuesday,
a trine Saturn indicates that the blue corduroys you bought last week will go baggy in the seat on their first wash.

Lucky dumplings:
Dim-sum
Lucky alias:
Mano-Lito Montoya

A
QUARIUS

A truly momentous week during which you will discover the source of both the rumours about you and Angela Merkel, and the recipe for first class gazpacho. Uranus being square
may indicate health worries toward the end of the week. The weekend brings news that the lucrative work you have been receiving as a Gordon Brown look-alike may be coming to an end.

Lucky plant:
Robert
Lucky container:
Punnet

P
ISCES

You like to make your decisions and stick to them, but if you are not flexible and open minded this week, all of the plans you’ve made will fail to bear fruit, or at
least not fruit that you enjoy very much. Your partner’s continuing enthusiasm for tofu is a bit of a worry.

Lucky attitude:
Munificent
Lucky currency:
The Belgian Bun

A
RIES

At the beginning of the week, take time out with people close to you. Some relationships may be intense, others in huts and outbuildings. Tuesday will be a particularly good
day for sorting out that sticky letterbox flap that lets in the draught that your neighbour keeps on about.

Lucky work-surface
: Formica
Lucky greens:
Pak choi

T
AURUS

On Tuesday, romantic Venus forms an important trine with Saturn, bringing with it fond memories of your youth tempered with the sad realisation that being spanked every
lunchtime by a middle-aged woman who smelled of camphor was not likely to happen again – Particularly not in the saloon bar. Thursday brings a change of fortune when Pork loins are on special
in Waitrose.

Lucky canal:
Alimentary
Lucky attitude:
Raffish

G
EMINI

On Monday, the sudden revelation that all of these ‘so-called hip-hop M.C.s’ are doing nothing more than ‘mucking about with record players’ signals a
career change. You discover that people will pay good money to watch you perform on stage with a Sandwich Toaster. Pluto entering your birthsign on Friday could mean a nasty accident with molten
cheese.

Lucky involuntary movement:
Shudder
Lucky drink:
The usual

C
ANCER

Many people see Cancerians as a little timorous, insecure, clinging to the familiar rather than striking out for what is new. They don’t see your large collection of
restraints, dungeon equipment, and the advertisements placed in the local press to lure unwary tradesmen. On Thursday Mars moves into your sign, which indicates that the security guard at work will
mention your oubliette to a local celebrity.

Lucky jug:
Toby
Lucky Primate:
The Archbishop of York

L
EO

Although your last Birthday Karaoke session was enjoyable, you finally recognise that your dream of making a top 20 single is likely to be prejudiced by the fact that you have
ear-hairs older than Lady Gaga. Neptune rising will trigger an allergic reaction to Germolene. Be sure to let Hortense at the sandwich bar know about this.

Lucky smell:
Play-Doh
Lucky custard:
Banana

V
IRGO

Jupiter’s influence will wane this week, and with it any hopes you might have entertained of escaping the forthcoming shopping trip to Bluewater. On Thursday the Moon
transits Pluto, which usually means that someone will step on your bad toe while line dancing.

Lucky lemur:
Ring-tailed
Lucky present:
Nine Lords a leaping

L
IBRA

The appearance of Chiron transiting the New Moon on Thursday will bring a new and powerful influence to bear on your life. You are spotted while leaping to avoid a
cycle-courier outside the office and the new support tights you bought last Wednesday inadvertently earn you a place on the Olympic long-jump team.

Lucky soup:
Mulligatawny
Lucky finish:
Treble 14, double top

S
CORPIO

Mars entering your birthsign this week signals a change of fortune when England’s opening pair score over 237,000 runs off the first seven overs, you discover that you
have been selected to Captain the next World Cup team, and you are recognised in the corridor by a member of the Board. See if you can get spread-betting odds on the first two.

Lucky air:
Lucky air:
Professional detachment
Lucky duck:
Bombay

S
AGITTARIUS

A square Saturn this week indicates that on Wednesday you may have a spot of trouble when the foot-spa you’d set your heart on is out of stock in Argos. Try to remain
calm – rubbing strawberry cheesecake into the manager’s hair is unlikely to help matters.

Lucky wallpaper:
Woodchip
Lucky topping:
Almond flakes

C
APRICORN

Pluto rising means that this week you finally realise that you’re surrounded by vacuous well-wishers and slight acquaintances who deliberately try to steer you away from
your destiny to bolster their own flagging careers. You find yourself itching to use the knuckle-dusters the Vicar bought you for Christmas.

Lucky affliction:
Nervous tic
Lucky disguise:
Rob Brydon

A
QUARIUS

A note of caution this week. Retrograde Saturn means that if you deal with others individually, success will greet you. Deal with them as a group and you will be eaten by
escaped Wolverines in Potters Bar. On Thursday, a close relative may forget to post you some clean socks for your forthcoming trial.

Lucky number:
Patrick McGoohan
Lucky escape:
February 5th

P
ISCES

The New Moon in Venus indicates that your weakness for men in overalls will soon become public knowledge. The rumours began following a careless remark you made at Christmas
when, between bites of Bratwurst, you admitted to a French mustard enthusiast that you ‘prefer the flavour of the Colemans’.

Lucky adverb:
Meanwhile
Lucky dynasty:
Tang

A
RIES

Take care not to alienate anyone this week – especially your partner, as Jupiter, planet of exasperated eye rolling, loud sighs and tutting, is prevalent in your chart. A
man with wild staring eyes and a beach hut in Frinton may try to involve you in a porridge-trafficking ring.

Lucky complaint:
Vange
Lucky cornet:
Vanilla 99

T
AURUS

Try as you might, you can’t seem to do anything about the stream of vile and depraved phone-calls that have been troubling you so much of late. Luckily, none have so far
been traced to your office number. On Friday, you will receive 1,817 Valentine cards. 12% down on last year.

Lucky wine:
Soixante-Neuf Du Pape
Lucky length:
21cm

G
EMINI

Mars in your sign is likely to be the root cause of a ‘bit of a domestic’ midweek when you come home to find that all of the furniture has been rearranged. One
positive aspect of this is that your favourite drinking-saucer reappears.

Lucky treaty:
1821 Franco-Prussian alliance
Lucky nightmare:
Wolves under the bed

C
ANCER

Seventeen pints of Green Chartreuse shandy and a Prawn Bhuna with Eamonn Holmes is never a good way to end a Saturday night, so you might be feeling a little fragile this week.
On Wednesday, Pluto opposing your birthsign indicates that you will meet a large man with bushy eyebrows who will pass on a red-hot tip.

Lucky fruit:
Avocado
Lucky library:
British

L
EO

Those awkward clashes with someone near you could turn into a full-blown power struggle on Tuesday when your ruler the Sun is in dispute with Pluto. Try not to worry, as on
Thursday you’ll be offered a job as lead singer in a Showaddywaddy tribute band.

Lucky philosopher:
Thomas Aquinas
Lucky matches:
Swan Vestas

V
IRGO

Uranus has an unusual aspect this week, which might put a bit of a damper on romance. Use the free time wisely. It’s high time that you did something more for your body
than occasionally slumping over the arm of the chair to burp it. This will also help to ease the pressure sores.

Lucky thread:
Whitworth
Lucky lunch:
Liver and bacon

L
IBRA

Your ruler turns retrograde on the same day that the Sun moves into Libra, which, as you know, means a recurrence of the bracket-fungus right where your sock elastic goes. On
Wednesday the cause is finally tracked down to the traditional hand-painted wooden trousers you wear for the village Goose harvest.

Lucky currency:
The Turkish Delight
Lucky decoy:
Swanee Whistle

S
CORPIO

There could be some disruption this week. You may find yourself inundated with visitors, and then discover that a fuse blows or there’s a flood. The good thing is that
you are at your most inventive, and can rise to the occasion with aplomb as you bought a gross last Christmas.