12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (11 page)

Lucky bank:
Dogger

Lucky hinge:
Rising Butt

P
ISCES

Saturn’s square with the Sun is urging you, and anyone else who shares yours, or indeed any other birthsign, to seriously consider posting poison spiders to the person
who thought up ‘Wife Swap’. On Friday, a large man with a big nose and a rolled-up copy of
The Sporting Life
may lunge at you with a set of laundry tongs. Remember your
training.

Lucky clip:
Bulldog

Lucky pub:
The Royal Steamer

A
RIES

Mars entered your birthsign on Sunday, and with it the indication that this week your dreams could hold a message for you, especially the one where you’re floating in a
pool full of Swarfega and giant ants, each with the face of a well-known cricket commentator, that swim up to you and ask where they can buy a decent hot-water bottle. You might like to consider
cutting down on the cheese and biscuits for supper.

Lucky laminate:
Formica

Lucky village:
Meldreth

T
AURUS

Mars enters your fourth house on Wednesday morning increasing the likelihood that you may be accidentally captured in a series of bucolic landscape paintings with a selection
of hooved ungulates On Thursday you will finally see a breakthrough in your quest for the perfect Birthday present for your partner when you spot a travelling executive wormery on the shopping
channel.

Lucky dressing:
Ranch

Lucky vitamin:
D Major

G
EMINI

An unsettling week during which Venus transits your birthsign. This combined with the waning moon in Aries indicates that you may be mistaken for a former secret agent and sent
a pair of poisoned shoe-trees in the internal post. On Friday your ruler Mercury moves into dynamic Scorpio which signals a welcome change from the ginger nuts you’ve had to endure for
elevenses for the last few weeks.

Lucky live-bait:
Ragworm

Lucky festival:
Harvest

C
ANCER

Be careful when doing anything to excess, especially on Wednesday, and doubly so if it involves tapioca. Wasting money on items that appeal to your fancy now but do not have
any lasting merit or appeal is particularly enjoyable at the moment. The one exception being the new range of ‘forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge’ Jam, which is particularly good
on wholemeal toast.

Lucky soup:
Cream of asparagus

Lucky foible:
Pencil erasers

L
EO

This is a very exuberant time, with high energies. You feel physically strong and fit, and you are even more willing than usual to become involved in re-enactments of famous
battles of the Punic wars. Neptune is conjunct to your seventh house on Tuesday which means that you stand a better than average chance of being struck by lightning in the hairdressers.

Lucky lawn:
Chamomile

Lucky pudding:
Dundee rice

V
IRGO

Last night’s Full Moon, sextile with Venus means that you may have some issues with colleagues this week. Try to think of those you work with as pieces of furniture, and
those in your department as the legs on a table. One leg is respect, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. On a lighter note, Mars rising means that someone will pop
along with some beeswax and new dusters on Thursday.

Lucky frame:
Roddy

Lucky mood:
Playful

L
IBRA

Uranus, planet of surprises, has plans for you this week. However, these may have to be put on hold as a trine Pluto indicates that on Tuesday lunchtime, while at lunch with a
colleague, an undercooked turkey may cause you problems when you sit at the restaurant table under which it has been hiding. On Thursday you may be arrested for unlicensed haberdashery in Market
Street.

Lucky pantomime:
Jack & the Beanstalk

Lucky muscles:
Trapezoids

S
CORPIO

The relentless quest for the answer to the age-old problem of preventing peas going cold before everything else on the plate has occupied your waking life, but this week,
volatile Neptune enters your birthsign bringing with it the inspiration to start a bumble-bee farm in order to make individual pea-cosies from their furry pelts. On Thursday, you will be roughly
jostled in the bargain basement while searching for a Christmas present.

Lucky paper:
The Daily Sketch

Lucky sect:
The Rosicrucians

S
AGITTARIUS

An unusual aspect between Saturn and Mercury indicates that you may be drawn into fruitless shopping trips over the next week or two, or at least until Mars goes trine on
Friday week. Resist any suggestion that might be made that your carrying capacity would be dramatically improved were you to be fitted with panniers and a tow-bar. On Wednesday the old trouble will
flare up again. Pretend not to notice if people stare.

Lucky snack:
Spaghetti-hoops ‘a la Grecque’

Lucky guess:
Mandibles

C
APRICORN

An action packed start to the week is indicated by Mars conjoining with Pluto in your seventh house. In a vain attempt to increase your ‘street cred’ you don an
elaborate disguise and get a job reading the news on a commercial radio youth station. But a square Saturn means that this will be a short-lived venture as during the first bulletin you are
unmasked as you correctly conjugate a verb.

Lucky cake:
Eccles

Lucky shoes:
Winkle-pickers

A
QUARIUS

Your deep affection for risqué verse may have serious consequences on Wednesday when in an unguarded moment you provide an example to someone you meet in the corridor,
who actually turns out to be a well-known Bishop whose hobbies include keeping owls and making his own pickled eggs. On Friday mysterious Neptune enters your birthsign, which is a bit of a
nuisance.

Lucky spaniel:
King Charles

Lucky tool:
Spokeshave

P
ISCES

Mercury goes retrograde in your birthsign on Monday this week. This combined with a waning moon indicates that a forthright woman with a pronounced lisp will brush against you
in the lift. Not until Tuesday lunchtime will you learn that you’re ‘it’ and no returns.

Lucky pipe:
Meerschaum

Lucky hold:
Stratford lift

A
RIES

You know that feeling of holding your breath before something happens? Well, just for a change the feeling is correct – something really is just around the corner waiting
for you now. Saturn entering your birthsign indicates that all the washing up from the weekend has been left in the sink, and the plughole is blocked with soggy tea bags.

Lucky rug:
Shepherd-skin

Lucky stranger:
Steve Corbet

T
AURUS

Mercury is trine with mysterious Neptune this week, which means for you that a certain rhyme and rhythm will be associated with everything you do. This will be particularly
noticeable on Wednesday lunchtime when you purchase a harmonica at a music shop run by Monica and Veronica Honniker. However, you should not attempt to push your luck by asking if they’d care
for afternoon tea.

Lucky walk:
Cheyne

Lucky compost:
John Innes No. 1.

G
EMINI

Last week things were changing so swiftly that you had to spend a lot of time on your toes, making decisions from moment to moment. Unfortunately your toes are not what they
were, and Mars in Aquarius suggests that foot-care products and chiropody could be paramount in your thoughts in the coming week.

Lucky dip:
Avocado and walnut

Lucky gravy:
Onion

C
ANCER

On Monday, your ruler, Mars, is in favourable aspect to Pluto. This is likely to indicate a wind of change blowing through your chart. Sure enough, on Tuesday lunchtime you
will receive a long overdue initiation to appear on
Pro-Celebrity One Man and His Dog
. Bring a whistle.

Lucky exclamation:
Spiffo!

Lucky snack:
Blinnies

L
EO

Scientists have recently discovered that if you feed one aspirin a day to laboratory rats, eventually you are going to get bitten. This sums up your week. An unfortunate trine
between Pluto and Mars indicates that you will be attacked and mauled by scientists justifiably angered by your overbearing bonhomie during vespers.

Lucky drum:
Oil

Lucky alloy:
Pewter

V
IRGO

You’ve been a bit worried whether you might be losing your grip recently, but Saturn’s powerful influence enters your birthsign on Tuesday, immediately providing a
positive feel in the lift on the way to the staff canteen. Fortunately, as the lift will be crowded at the time, nothing will be attributable to you. Try to cultivate an innocent look just in
case.

Lucky Handl:
Ireni

Lucky shoes:
Winklepickers

L
IBRA

The Sun, your ruler, in your opposite sign of Aquarius, is trine Saturn, which indicates that you should make sure you don’t run out of nasal spray on Wednesday. If you
spot any particularly cheap lino in town, buy it. Before the week is out you will have the chance to swap it for some show-cavies.

Lucky tipple:
Snowball

Lucky game:
Pheasant

S
CORPIO

Stubborn Pluto in your sign at the beginning of the week means that you may have trouble selecting a suitable birthday card for your beau. Although hearts are usually a popular
theme, and even though you may wish to convey your true feelings, a stuffed heart from the local butcher may not achieve the results you were expecting.

Lucky wallpaper:
Flock

Lucky rub:
Dutch

S
AGITTARIUS

You are, as most people know, a person of many parts, however, Saturn conjoining with Jupiter in your seventh house indicates that your secret identity will not remain so for
much longer. The Protractor – a shadowy figure who stalks the streets at night hunting down people who can’t do geometry, and sticking compass points in their bottoms – will
finally be unmasked.

Lucky place:
Peyton

Lucky clippers:
Tea

C
APRICORN

On Monday a trine Mercury means that you will meet a lot of people with money, none of which is coming your way, however, Venus enters Aquarius on Tuesday and with it comes the
chance you’ve been waiting for to break into modelling. You are to be used as the model for the new economy size ‘Matey’ bubble-bath pack (25% extra). See if you can get your mum
to dig out your old sea-scouts uniform.

Lucky film:
35mm

Lucky exposure:
Indecent

A
QUARIUS

A busy week is indicated by the arrival of mysterious Neptune in your birthsign. On Monday you’ll invent a party game for people who really don’t like party games,
although the title, ‘well, if that’s what everyone else wants to do’, may need some work. On Thursday you may be lunged at in the Library by a lady who looks like Joan
Hickson.

Lucky moustache:
Pencil

Lucky gland:
Thyroid

P
ISCES

Any kind of activity involving spirituality, mysticism or omelettes will be very good for you, except on Monday, when any advice you receive and give will be utterly worthless.
A square Saturn on Tuesday will leave you regretting your rediscovery of Port shandy yesterday evening.