12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (4 page)

Lucky blemish:
Stigmata
Lucky yearning:
Horlicks tablets

S
AGITTARIUS

It is a sad fact that today’s generation doesn’t even seem to know the meaning of longanimity – try not to let it get to you. On Thursday, a rare and
wonderful trine between Mars and Neptune means that at long last, it appears that Barcus is willing. On Friday, you will pick up a set of beautifully marked Knopflers at a local boot-sale.

Lucky crisps:
Eucalyptus
Lucky foible:
Catnip

C
APRICORN

Your irritable mood looks set to continue until Thursday when you take delivery of a matching pair of garden mood-swings. The good news is that you are at your most inventive,
and on Wednesday discover a cure for solar-power.

Lucky motion:
Brownian
Lucky collar:
Astrakhan

A
QUARIUS

You have always imagined yourself to be popular – someone to whom others look up and admire, a disciplinary force to junior colleagues, and a trusted confident of those
in authority. So you would do well to pay heed to rising Saturn if you want to maintain your position – and for goodness sake stop putting your hair up in that ghastly hand-knitted snood.

Lucky marinade:
Sherry and soy sauce
Lucky alkali:
Potash

P
ISCES

Neptune is still influencing your mood this week so try not to be quite so sensitive. When the lady in the cake shop asks if you had a ‘tiddler’ on Thursday, she
will be asking for change. Pulling her over the counter by her lapels and providing tangible evidence is probably an over-reaction.

Lucky heron:
Roll-mop
Lucky cake:
Wayward slice

A
RIES

On Wednesday, Mars rising indicates that although you may feel on top form, other people might see you as stern, or even dour. An acute angle between Venus and Pluto means a
clash with a Chinaman in a knitted frock coat over the bet you were supposed to put on for him on Saturday.

Lucky drupe:
The plum
Lucky biscuit:
Garibaldi

T
AURUS

Your ruler Mercury goes trine on Wednesday, which means that you’ll make significant progress with that new admin assistant who asked for a slice of your Australian
upside-down cake. Play your cards close to your chest until baking day on Thursday when a square Pluto means you should be in with a chance of a larger portion than originally expected.

Lucky trousers:
Oxford bags
Lucky warbler:
Willow

G
EMINI

Uranus is particularly unpredictable midweek so allow a little extra time for any kind of group activity that might involve baby-oil and a rotary clothesline. On Wednesday or
Saturday you could make a journey that will result in the creation of a semi-professional formation lawnmower display team in West Byfleet.

Lucky gazelle:
Thompsons
Lucky surfeit:
Lampreys

C
ANCER

Sneaking a few days off last week on the pretext of having a cold was an inspired move, and allowed you the time to put the finishing touches to your magnum opus
Gordon
Brown – The Musical!
On Friday a wonderful aspect between your ruler Mars and dreamy Neptune means that at last that new moisturiser starts to work and you can finally say goodbye forever
to flaky earlobes.

Lucky lozenge:
Throaties
Lucky quay:
Parkestone

L
EO

After your well-deserved holiday recreating genuine mediaeval thatching using ‘Nonny-Nonny Hay’, you will be anxious to get back to your usual 2 hours solid work a
day. The rocky outcrop you passed on your way home is nothing to worry about and was probably due to the free-range eggs.

Lucky Oxide:
Aluminium
Lucky line:
District

V
IRGO

Refreshed from your recent triumph (a 1300cc brown Toledo) you can’t wait for the next challenge, and it seems that with Neptune in your birthsign on Tuesday you
won’t have long to wait – you can’t reach your shoelaces again. Mercury transiting your sign on Thursday indicates that despite what you’ve been told, Matabeleland is not a
theme park after all.

Lucky fencing:
Waney lap
Lucky vegetable:
The eddo

L
IBRA

Even if you have had some difficult times recently, in work and at home, this week is looking positive – apart from Wednesday when mischievous Pluto indicates that you
will be unmasked as the head of an international angelica smuggling ring and have to flee the country. Remember your ointment on Tuesday when Venus moves into your sign aggravating your dry
gulch.

Lucky movement:
Pincer
Lucky snack:
Malt-loaf

S
CORPIO

Many people with the Sun strong in their charts may find their career can advance now. This however does not apply to you as at the end of the week you discover that you are
being reared for your valuable pelt. You may need to leave a ladder in the bathroom on Tuesday as you discover that in your case cleanliness is next to weightlessness.

Lucky heath:
Haywards
Lucky trousers:
Translucent

S
AGITTARIUS

On Tuesday you will have cause to remember the Sicilian waiter that you upset last week while demonstrating a ‘Basildon blow-torch’ in his restaurant, and as a
result you find out that a Vendetta is not in fact an ice-cream dessert. Mars is transiting Uranus on Wednesday, so be prepared for a chilly reception.

Lucky constant:
Planck’s
Lucky Paige:
Elaine

C
APRICORN

On Tuesday, a trine Pluto means that the number 17 bus will be hijacked by Welsh fundamentalists again. Your intimate knowledge of
Men of Harlech
serves you well. Toward
the end of the week, you will receive good news about your application to play banjo for the Royal Philharmonic.

Lucky attire:
Red feathers and a ‘hooly-hooly’ skirt
Lucky stamp:
Petulent

A
QUARIUS

Saturn rising indicates that on Wednesday afternoon, you will meet a stranger in a green jacket. Under no circumstances should you buy tinned carrots from this person. A
careless comment in the betting shop on Friday may mean that you accidentally become Editor-in-Chief of the
Jewish Herald
.

Lucky regiment:
The 17th/21st Lancers
Lucky hairstyle:
The Beehive

P
ISCES

An unusual start to the day on Tuesday, when you are woken by Lord Soames dressed only in a short silk dressing-gown doing star-jumps in front of your picture window. The New
Moon rising will mean a domestic mishap on Thursday, when you find that the box of moist toilet tissue on the cistern turns out to be bleach-soaked bathroom wipes. This could well provide
unexpected highlights.

Lucky tipple:
Lager-tops
Lucky phrase:
For goodness sake, not in the sink!

A
RIES

On Monday a benevolent Jupiter will bring wellbeing and good fortune in matters relating to your fine collection of Victorian ephemera. On Thursday you will finally break your
cardigan habit when your doctor prescribes elbow patches. On Thursday you should try to avoid women with split-ends who shout too much.

Lucky nebula:
The horse-head
Lucky break:
147

T
AURUS

Recently, you’ve not only been taking care of your own affairs, but helping to plan other people’s. This could well turn into a lucrative business. On Friday, Venus
and Mercury both aspect Pluto which will lead to the discovery that you don’t enjoy Lacrosse very much.

Lucky tipple:
Pink gin
Lucky Stone:
Sharon

G
EMINI

‘Gemini’ was once a code word given to Patrick McGoohan in
The Prisoner
. Using it brought him not safe passage but a comprehensive beating. You can expect
much the same result if you continue to promote your new idea of ‘pay per view’ ladies foundation garments in the office. Wednesday’s Venus in your fifth house means that your
ability to play the ‘spoons’ solo from
Swan Lake
may lead to a recording contract.

Lucky state:
Supine
Lucky chord:
C Major 7th with a diminished 9th

C
ANCER

Tuesday could bring an unusual offer from a man in a raincoat with sweaty palms. Before you commit to anything, check the small print. Your ability, in an emergency, to make a
noise like a dolphin serves you well. Wednesday’s lovely trine between Saturn and Neptune indicates a mild but persistent ear infection.

Lucky jump:
The triple-lutz
Lucky sandwich:
Brie and avocado

L
EO

Jesus may well want you for a sunbeam, but a square Saturn this week indicates that big Rosa from the Italian Restaurant has altogether more down-to-earth plans for you. On
Wednesday, troublesome Pluto will mean that you are caught on camera plucking your ear-hair and stuffing it into your wallet during the National Anthem.

Lucky dwarf:
Sneezy
Lucky accent:
Hungarian

V
IRGO

Wednesday’s Jupiter rising may go some way toward helping you unravel the meaning of your recurring dream about Peter Andre gargling with white mice. The New Moon in
Neptune will mean that on Wednesday you will be offered the role of Belstaff in a modern-dress version of the
Merry Wives of Windsor
. It’s a similar role to Falstaff, but requires you
to ride a Norton Commando.

Lucky Humber:
Super Snipe
Lucky vitamin:
G-Major

L
IBRA

Like many with Venus strong in their charts, you have a bit of a reputation to uphold. A square Pluto on Monday means that something you have dreamed of for some time finally
comes true when you are invited to show your peonies to the Womens’ Institute. It might be best to get the request in writing to avoid any misunderstandings.

Lucky fireplace:
Adam
Lucky card:
Get well soon

S
CORPIO

Toward the end of the week, mysterious Neptune transits your birthsign, and as usual, this indicates another run-in with the authorities over catching cats with a rod and line
out of your bedroom window. On Friday, square Saturn means that you will no longer go unrecognised, as you will have a root vegetable strain named after you.

Lucky borough:
Enfield
Lucky tipple:
Sanatogen Sling

S
AGITTARIUS

Neptune forms an interesting angle to Mars in your birthsign later this week, which means that your contact lens fitting will take a turn for the worse, when one of them
accidentally slips behind your eye, gets into your bloodstream, and leaves you with a permanent inability to finish DIY projects.

Lucky bearing:
North by Northwest
Lucky weakness:
Marzipan

C
APRICORN

As you are reminded all too frequently, Uranus often gets you into trouble. This week is no exception. On Thursday, your regular game of British Bulldog with the Benedictine
Sisters is interrupted by a ferocious gust of wind (for which you are blamed) that carries off the local Royal Mail records, leaving many people in the area without Postcodes. On Friday you receive
an unsolicited seed-cake.

Lucky bull:
Papal
Lucky sauce:
Marie-rose

A
QUARIUS

An eventful week is indicated by a trine Saturn on Wednesday. Even though your nightmares about Sir Alan Sugar continue, things will improve toward the end of the week when you
come under the benign influence of Venus. On Friday, you will discover that the combination of Absinthe and mushy peas makes you glow in the dark.