12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (6 page)

A
RIES

Neptune transits your birthsign at the beginning of the week bringing with it true clarity of thought. On Tuesday when you are putting out the bin, you suddenly realize that
there are similarities between this action, and your social life – only taken out once a week, in the dark, by a dustman. It may be time to freshen up that wardrobe.

Lucky vegetable:
Celeriac
Lucky equation:
Simultaneous

T
AURUS

As Saturn moves into your fourth house on Tuesday you receive a postcard from a friend on holiday in California and are so inspired by the picture that you decide there and
then to resurrect your flagging musical career with a bagpipe instrumental of the Tony Bennett classic –
Don’t mess with my toot-toot
. Don’t be too optimistic though as a
square Neptune means that the video will be rubbish and the single will only get to number 22.

Lucky cartoon:
Bleep & Booster
Lucky font:
Garamond

G
EMINI

Mysterious Neptune is square to your birthsign this week, which may help to explain why, since Christmas, you have lost the ability to walk silently in corduroy trousers.
Although you will lose weight over the next few weeks, it will be only from your left side. On Tuesday afternoon Pluto rising means that the itching will get worse, so pick up a Dutch hoe on the
way home.

Lucky Realm:
Woman’s
Lucky sneer:
Supercilious

C
ANCER

Your enthusiasm for Karaoke remains undiminished but this may be your undoing as a trine between Mars and Venus indicates that on Thursday you will be secretly filmed on stage
putting everything you’ve go into
The Girl From Ipanema
. This may lead to a sudden career change. The New Moon in Aquarius indicates that Sardines on toast will make a welcome return
as a mid-morning snack.

Lucky profession:
AA Patrolman
Lucky convulsion:
Febrile

L
EO

A disturbing aspect between the Moon and Mercury will lead to confusion early in the week as you will make a moonlight discovery with your shin that all your furniture has been
rearranged. You will have no idea how, or why this happened. Mars is square to your birthsign on Wednesday, which as usual, means you will suffer catastrophic and sudden clothing failure. Try not
to over-react.

Lucky iris:
Bearded
Lucky grape:
Zinfandel

V
IRGO

A square aspect between your ruler, the Sun, and Jupiter will mean that plans for your walking holiday in Austria are going awry. Not only will you discover that Sturmey Archer
don’t make mountain boots with low-ratio gears, but that damage sustained to your Melodica in last year’s ascent of K2 was the result of Chinchilla action, and so not covered by
insurance.

Lucky sausage:
Bratwurst
Lucky fish:
The Wahoo

L
IBRA

Jupiter rising means that career issues are highlighted this week. With a lot of change going on around you it might be time to reconsider whether turning down the top job last
time around wasn’t a mistake. An unusual trine between Mars and Neptune on Thursday could indicate that you are being watched by aliens, which should please your employer.

Lucky vegetable:
Rocket
Lucky medication:
Sloanes linament

S
CORPIO

With Mars in opposition to Saturn this week, there will be an incident on Wednesday in the High Street involving a running machine, a pan of clarified butter, and a seafood
delivery van. You will receive a severe ticking off from the traffic Police, and two Michelin Stars for the creation of what will come to be known as Lobster Esplanade

Lucky tense:
Future imperfect
Lucky walls:
Jericho

S
AGITTARIUS

On Wednesday afternoon, a trine Mars means that you will have a misunderstanding with a second hand television dealer when you ask if he’d be interested in looking at an
old black & white Bush. On Thursday, a man with piercing breath and a Renault 4 may enter your life. Under no circumstances should you agree to share your gravy browning with him.

Lucky verb:
Dangling participle
Lucky vault:
Diamadov turn

C
APRICORN

Be patient if a romantic relationship is not developing the way you’d imagined. The equipment is unwieldy, and sometimes difficult to operate for a novice –
particularly those from the stricter religious orders. At the end of the week, Saturn moves into the empty house next door but one. Pop around for a cup of tea and a bit of a chinwag.

Lucky pancake:
Crispy duck
Lucky look:
Tousled

A
QUARIUS

After a quiet weekend hiding in the coal bunker things will start to get altogether more lively on Tuesday when you are swept along by a mob of anarchic pensioners on their way
to Downing Street. By the time you arrive, you are the only one who remembers what their demands are. As their spokesman, you are immediately arrested for inciting a mob. On Friday, the cold floor
of the cell will give you trouble with your ‘Rockfords’.

Lucky suspension:
Transverse leaf-spring
Lucky fabric:
Horizontal stripes

P
ISCES

This afternoon there will be some confusion in Waitrose when you ask an assistant if they have any tinned pears in stock. They will only have syrup, so you may have to settle
for cling peaches in a rich onion gravy as usual. A square between Mercury and Pluto on Wednesday means that the usual Friday night ‘bar-maggot-race’ at the local pub may be cancelled
due to an influx of the ‘wrong sort’.

Lucky polymer:
Long-chain
Lucky snack:
Bread-pudding

A
RIES

The Full Moon in Mercury means a crisis of confidence on Wednesday afternoon when you suddenly find that you’ve lost the ability to tell the difference between Stork and
Butter. Swift action by a passing Rosecrucian will soon rectify the problem and you’ll be back to normal by the weekend.

Lucky envelope:
DL
Lucky cough:
Throaty

T
AURUS

The waning Moon in Mars means that on Wednesday you will receive a surprise call from the new Wales Manager, who, having checked your credentials, offers you a game at Fly-Half
on Saturday. Unfortunately, you will have other plans, as a dodgy prawn Bhuna on Thursday evening will see you taking very small, careful steps to recovery.

Lucky composer:
Prokofiev
Lucky river:
Limpopo

G
EMINI

The New Moon in Pisces indicates a busy time. You will start the week in a whirl of activity, but on the whole it is positive and productive until Thursday when a quick
lunchtime drink turns into a three day Cinzano-fuelled binge and you wake up in Lowestoft with a tattoo of Bernard Matthews on your left thigh, and an uncontrollable addiction to whelks.

Lucky publication:
The Guinness Book of Revelations
Lucky snack:
Vesta Chow Mein

C
ANCER

A restless start to the week is indicated, particularly following the weekend Saturn-Uranus. On Wednesday, you will finally discover the reason for your reluctance to abandon
the bachelor lifestyle when you are diagnosed as a curable romantic. You’ll be particularly clumsy on Thursday, so the ‘Jack Douglas’ 731-piece tea service might prove a good
investment after all.

Lucky disguise:
Reg Varney
Lucky shoe protectors:
Blakeys

L
EO

A part-time job, or hobby may reach its natural conclusion this week. A fascinating trine between mysterious Neptune and Uranus, planet of surprises will mean that on Tuesday
you will get into a violent quarrel about pickled cabbage with a truculent bottle-blonde. Swift action by a passing Quantity Surveyor will save the day and the bruises will start to fade by the
weekend.

Lucky sensation:
Tingling
Lucky marmalade:
Grapefruit

V
IRGO

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Sharon at number 16, that is. You know – the lady with the poodle and the binoculars? However, Saturn rising on
Wednesday will lead to an immediate improvement in your fortunes, as you will receive good news about the screaming noise from your airing cupboard, which is not a faulty thermostat as you feared,
but a bogeyman, which even terrifies the wolves under your bed.

Lucky bird:
Corn-Grunting
Lucky hinge:
Rising-butt

L
IBRA

Thursday’s Pluto square to your birthsign means that while digging the foundations for a new Trebuchet, you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes
are carved. Oddly enough, when you finally find someone to translate them from ancient Ogham, it will turn out to be a copy of the third edition of the Des O’Connor songbook.

Lucky cartoon:
Noggin the Nog
Lucky relative:
Great Aunt

S
CORPIO

With Mercury high in the section of your chart that governs your career you should buy that safari-suit you’ve been admiring for weeks – A smart outfit will come in
handy when you need to start looking for another part-time job. You may experience a setback towards the end of the week, when you find out that despite a positive test, it is squirrels.

Lucky hash:
Corned-beef
Lucky nut:
Three-eighths Whitworth

S
AGITTARIUS

Those awkward clashes with someone near you could turn into a full-blown power struggle on Tuesday when your ruler the Sun is in dispute with Pluto over your plans for the
launch of
Ear-Hair Monthly
magazine. Try not to worry, as on Thursday you’ll be offered a job as lead singer in a Steps tribute band, which will tide you over.

Lucky banjo:
5-string
Lucky order:
The Carmelites

C
APRICORN

This week, Venus, planet of love is in the ascendant, and this combined with mysterious Neptune, will make you utterly irresistible to the opposite gender. On Wednesday, a
shopping trip will nearly end in tragedy when two lady shop assistants catch a fleeting glimpse of your profile and burst into flames like the map at the beginning of
Bonanza
.

Lucky precaution:
CO2 Fire extinguisher
Lucky number:
999

A
QUARIUS

On Tuesday, unpredictable Aquarius is about to conjoin with Neptune in the area of your chart governing infantry tactics. On Thursday you will receive confirmation that despite
a positive test, it is unlikely that lizards could have caused the condition. The good news is that when it has been carefully washed and dried using a lint-free cloth, the ocarina should once
again function normally.

Lucky dance:
The Hustle
Lucky chutney:
Plum

P
ISCES

At the beginning of the week Saturn and Pluto are once more in exact opposition and I’m afraid that even though you usually have all the answers, you may struggle to
explain your actions in the National Portrait Gallery on Tuesday lunchtime. Try to remain calm and remember that despite all arguments you hear to the contrary, if it’s over four inches long,
it’s technically a Sardine.

Lucky soup:
Gazpacho
Lucky veneer:
Figured walnut

A
RIES

As Thursday’s Full Moon approaches, a man with dense eyebrows may bring you good news about your quest for another part-time job, although disappointingly, the paraffin
round which you applied for last Wednesday will have gone to a younger man. On Friday, you will develop an irrational hatred of sideboards.