My Forever (14 page)

We step
ped
outside after I smash
ed his friends’ scores. It was
really cold in Fairbanks.
Really
cold.
I pull
ed
my co
at around me as tightly as I could and Lucas put
his arm around me as we walked
to his car. My insides were a mess at the way he touched me. This was the guy that I’d
tried to find a wa
y to be close to for years. It had
never worked and now
there I was
, staying at his place and loving his arm around me.

We go
t back to Lucas’ house a lit
tle after eleven. His roommate wa
s still gone
, making me feel very alone with him
.
Part thrilling, and part nerve-wracking.

I stop
ped
to take off my shoes just inside his door
, and he bumped
into me.

“Sorry,” I said. Things we
re awkward but in such a good way. Awkward like, how can I touch you again
,
and like
,
I know something big is about to happen.

“No, I’m sorry…” We were
in the tiny hallway between his kitchen and livi
ng room spaces and his voice got quiet. He looked down at me so
intently
, I stopped breathing
,
and my stomach flipped over
.
I
swallow
ed hard and
then
it was
like breathing in water
,
and I almost cough
ed
.

“You okay?” He cocked his head, a corner of his mouth pulled up in a half-smile
.

“Yeah, sorry, I just need to get all this stuff off.” I start
ed
wrestling with my oversized winter coat.

“Let me help with that.” We still faced
each other in the small hallway. I look
ed up at him, just as he leaned
down and kis
sed me. Me.
Dani.

He kissed
me again
, and it was like no other kiss I’d had in my life. He was
soft and sweet
and unassuming and when he pulled away it left
me wanting more. I realize
d I was
following him bac
k a moment too late and he bumped
against the wall before I
stopped
.

I immediately back
ed
away and rip
ped
off my stupid c
oat. The huge ridiculous thing wa
s trouble.

“Dani…” He reached out and took my hand, pulling
me toward him as I start
ed
to move away.

There was no way he knew what he was doing. No way he wanted me like that.

“I like you.”

My heart beat hard—
c
an’t breathe, can’t speak, had to
get self together.

“But nobody likes me,” I blurt
ed out, and he laughed
.

“That’s ridiculous.” He took
my other hand in
his, leaned down and kissed
me again. I start
ed
to smile
, and we were still kissing as we
side-stepped
to his living room.

Lucas wa
s kissing me. I never want
ed
it to stop.
Never ever.
I suddenly wonder
ed what he wanted from me
,
and I
stop
ped
.

“Okay.” He breathed
out and ope
ned
his eyes. “You stopped kissing me. I’m takin
g that as a bad sign.” He started
to back away.

“No, no.” I was worried. My brain
got away from me again. “I just got distracted is all.
”

He laughed
a little again. “Well, that also isn’t a good sign.”

I wasn’t
sure what to do
to show him I wanted to be there, so before I gave myself time to think I took
my shirt off
. His arms were around me before it hit the floor
…

~
~
~

“
Dani
?” Michael’s voice brings me back to the present
, and I jump, heart hammering
.

I’m sure I’m smiling a little. What a dork. “He doesn’t know,” I stammer out. “I mean, I just sent him a letter finally, but it’s probably not there yet.”

He raises his eyebrows. “It just doesn’t seem fair for you to be dealing with this and for him to not have to deal with anything.”

I shake my head.

“Why not?” h
e persists. I’m not used to him being so direct.

“I asked him to. I
t wasn’t his fault.” And now I’m totally crushing on Michael. Is this what it feels like to be a slut? I’m not sure. I’m worried for a short second until I realize that right now I never want to have sex again.
Ever.
Too scary.

“Well, you may have asked, but he took you up on it.” He takes the ice pack off his face for a moment.

“It was a friend, in college, a few years older than me.” How else can I explain?

Michael’s face looks tense, his lips purse together but he doesn’t say anything else. “I couldn’t concentrate today.” He’s still looking at me. “I was worried about you.”

I can’t speak. He’s too intense.
I’m loving
it too much.

“I’ve had better days,” I tell him. “But at the same time, I can’t believe your mom is letting me s
tay here. It’s so nice of her that i
t’s a little overwhelming.”

“Good.” He stands
. “Well, I promised I’d start dinner.”

“You cook?” None of the men in my house cook, at all.

“A little.” He
glances over his shoulder on his way to the kitchen
.

I follow him
, curious.

He puts his ice pack in the freezer. “I got this playing basketball. Okay?” He points to his eye. Guilt washes over me again. He sees it in my face. He starts to reach out toward me
,
but his hand stops before he can touch me again.

I’m sad for the missed contact.
And my stupid, stupid, brother.
“Sorry,” I whisper. I want to touch him somehow, to make him feel better but nothing seems appropriate. Especially when he’s so hesitant.

“We’re having tacos tonight.” He pulls open a cupboard. “Easy.” He stands up taller, changes his tone
,
and we’re right back to normal.

“Oh, my mom’s Mexican. I can help with that.” It would feel good to contribute something here.

“That’s where you get your beautiful skin.” He eyes rest on my face
,
and then his cheeks redden.

I try to ignore his comment, b
ut I don’t want to
ignore it. I want to wear it and
soak it in.

The kitchen
gets hot as the meat browns on the stove.

Michael pulls taco seasoning down.

“Oh, no.” I shake my head. “You can’t use that.”

“Do you have a better plan?” He puts the packet back in the pantry.

“Of course.” This is fun, and feels good. I’m helping, and I’m alone with Michael.

There are peppers in the fridge, I chop them up, add a few onions and raid the spices for chili powder, cumin and oregano. Perfect.

I take off my sweatshirt
in the heat
. I’ve been afraid to take it off in front of anybody for over a month. It doesn’t matte
r here. E
veryone knows.

I come back to the stove and pull out a few more seasoning
s to add to the browning meat, and m
y short sleeves feel good. I turn toward the fridge to get oil for shells when Michael notices me.

“Wow.” He
stares
at my stomach.

I’m suddenly embarrassed.
It was stupid to take off my sweatshirt. My stomach is
sticking out just enough to not be mistaken for anything else.

“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “That was rude. I just can’t believe how well your clothes hide that.” He smiles. “Don’t worry, you look good.”
             

“Right.” I roll my eyes but really, I’m flattered.

“No, really. It just took me by surprise that’s all.”
He points. “May I?”

I nod and his hand touches my stomach, making it hard to find words or coherent thoughts.

He
drops his hand, and
turns back to the counter where he’s cutting lettuce and tomatoes. “It’s kind of incredible, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know, yet. Mostly it’s just been terrifying.”

“Well, I hope you’re able to soak in some of the miracle of it all, too.”

How can one person hold so much
goodness
?

“Wow, i
t smells great in here!”
Collette’s voice
carries
from the entry. She and Tracy step into the dining room just as we finish. I’m proud of myself. There are a lot fewer people to cook for here.