My Forever (17 page)

I get through the school day much better than on Friday. I decide it doesn’t matter
what people are whispering about,
and I’ll just keep doing what I know to do. I’m smart. I’m a good student.
I
can keep being
those things
.

Drowning out gossip is pretty easy when you always have a friend nearby. The Mormon kids are still watching out for me. I finish my school day feeling better than I have since this whole mess started. Michael and Tracy are probably already waiting for me and if they’re not, I want to make sure they don’t have to. I hitch my pack up and step outside the school.

“Dani!” I turn my head around to see Lucas standing in front of my school.
Lucas
,
who’s
supposed to b
e in Fairbanks. My heart stops and then drops into my stomach.

I try to regroup so I can form a sentence when we’re face to face. I shove my backpack further up on my shoulder, again, and walk forward. I have no idea what to say to him.

“Dan
i,” h
e says more quietly as I get closer. He looks happy to see me
, smiling widely.
He surprises me by putting his arms around me and holding me tightly.

I’m still in shock that he’s here. I think about how many times I’ve fantasized about being this close to Lucas Crawford. I breathe in deeply
enjoying the closeness
. When he pulls away, he does it
slowly, leaving our faces together
.

“I’m so sorry
,
Dani. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He moves his hand from my back to touch my face.

I look down at
another borrowed pair of
Tracy’s shoes against
the grey sidewalk. “I figured that if you wanted to talk, you’d call.”

“Dani, if I had called, your parents probably wouldn’t have let you come see me again
. A
nd I wanted
to see you again,” he says
.

“So we could have a repeat of my last visit?” I ask. I don’t mean for it to sound so snide. I can’t imagine him wanting more than that from me.

His face turns
to a scowl
,
but it looks like I’ve offended him. “I want to do the right thing here.”

“Then give me the signed papers.” I’m afraid to believe he could want more. Could he want more? I don’t move.

He tips our faces until our lips come together. He kisses me softly
,
and it tingl
es slowly through my body then
pulls back just far enough to talk.

“But what if… What if we did this together? I mean, we could get married and have this baby and…”
Lucas’s hazel eyes stare into mine
. He’s older than me. He looks it. He looks like a man.
He’s offering to take care of me.

I can’t believe what he’s suggesting. What he’s asking of me. I want it. I want
him
. 

He’s still smiling
,
and I stand frozen, my brain
running
in cir
cles. This was my first thought. M
y dream of dreams that I knew wouldn’t be able to happen. I feel relief for the first time since I crammed the test into my sweatshirt pocket. I’ve been saved. I can have my family back
,
and I get my life back.

I start to smile back at him but then it stops. Lucas won’t understand about my Mormon friends
,
and I
know right now, in this
moment, I can’t give them up. What started out as a journey for my unborn baby has turned into a journey for
me.
I’m not able to let that go. Not now. As much as I want Lucas to be the right thing for me, he’s not.

There’s just
the quietest whisper of a feeling
,
but the meaning is clear. I think I’m going to be sick. Here’s Lucas, standing in front of me, in all his perfection, asking me to marry him
,
and I can’t do it.
My eyes are back on the ground.

I knew this baby wasn’t mine from the beginning. As much as I want to throw my arms back around Lucas and say yes, I know I can’t. I’m starting to get good at following
my feelings,
but righ
t now, it really sucks. T
ears prick at my eyes.

“Hel-
lo
o
?
Dani
?” Lucas is staring
, his eyes a little questioning.

I snap out of my cycle of thought
and look
at him again.

“I just sort of proposed to you
,
and you’re spacing out on me.”

Great, so I’m the spacey girl again. I like being the girl with a great imagination.
I’m not sure if I can look at him.
The buses are gone
,
and the parking lot is empty.

“You don’t even know me Lucas, not really.” It’s horrible, but true. I think about the kind of marriage the missionaries taught me about.
The forever kind.
I’m no
t even close to that with Lucas, but I know it’s what I want. I just hope I
recognize
my forever when it happens.

“But…” His brow furrows.

I wonder how many girls have said no to Lucas. More importantly, I wonder how many girls have said yes?

“I realize it’s every girl’s dream to be proposed to in front on he
r high school while pregnant…” M
aybe that’s harsh. I take a breath in. What can I say to him? “We don’t know each other at all.” I shake my head. “This baby isn’t mine.”

“Well, Dani, what are people going to think?” Worry fills his voice.

“I’ve been kicked out of my house. Everyone in my high school knows I’m the pregnant girl. How much worse can it get?”

He stuffs his hands in his pockets. Now I understand. It’s
him
he’s worried about.

“Don’t worry, Lucas.” I fold my arms across my chest. “I’ve told no one you’re the dad.” A moment ago I felt happy. I looked at a future I really wanted. Now I feel completely and totally rejected. It’s too much. “I just need the signed papers.” I take a careful breath in.
Please don’t cry in front of Lucas. Please don’t cry in front of Lucas. Please…
I pull my arms tighter across my chest.

“So, that’s it?”

“That’s it.” It comes out sharper than I mean it to, but I’m concentrating on very little outside of not crying.

“Okay.” He moves slowly, still maybe partially unsure but he reaches into his back pocket and hands me an envelope. “They’re signed.”

I
choke out a laugh
as I fight back tears. The fact that they’re signed and ready to go speaks volumes. I take the envelope from him and fold it into my arms. I shouldn’t have been flattered by his sort-of proposal. He was simply saving face.

“Thanks.” I start to walk away.

“You know Dani, it wouldn’t kill
you to let someone in.
I mean
t
every word. I like you. I would have come down to see you no matter what.
We could have maybe made it work.
” A pause.
“Call me…
if you want.”

“See ya
,
Lucas
,” I say
as I walk
back
to the school. I fee
l a tear slide down my cheek, and don’
t look back
.

As soon as I
step in the first set of doors,
Michael
’s there
. He’s been watching. He prob
ably saw me
kiss Lucas
,
saw
his arms around me
. I hate that he saw that.  He glances down at the envelope in my hands.

“Was that the dad?” h
e asks quietly, even though we’re the only ones around.

I quickly smudge away the tears on my cheek. “Yep. Lucas. I got what I needed.” I hold up my envelope.

“Everything you need from him is in that envelope?” He looks at
me as if there’s no way I can b
e telling the truth.

“Yep.” My crazy emotions betray me
,
and I have to
keep wiping tears
. 

“I don’t believe you, Dani.” For the second time since the school bell rang, a good, completely unattainable boy, takes me in his arms.

I lean into Michael anyway. Glad to have someone so willing to comfort me. I know this moment won’t last long so I pull on him with my arms and rest my head on his chest, soaking him in while I can
and letting myself cry
.

~
~
~

“I’m ready to get baptized,” I say from the backseat.
My heart thrums wildly, and I’m a bit in disbelief at what I’m doing, but it feels good, so I’m going with it.

“What?” Tracy turns in the passenger’s seat to look at me.

“I’m eighteen, my parents’ have already kicked me out, what else could possibly happen?”

“You should have Michael do it!” Tracy’s smiling wide now. “It’ll be good practice for his mission.”

“You can do that?” I’m still a little confused with
how it all works,
but to have
Michael be the one to do it…that
would be amazing.
The perfect beginning or end or whatever.

“I can do that.” His smile is huge. “But only if you want me to
.
I’m sure one of the missionaries would also be happy to do it.”

“I’d like it if you would.” Is his smile real? Does he really want to do this for me?

“Wow, did Dani just ask for something she wanted?” Tracy laughs.