My Forever (11 page)

“Then you can
live
like you’re eighteen
,
”
h
e says solidly, “
a
nd you can get out of my house.”

My mother gasps behind him. She’s mad but doesn’t expect this.

Air shoots out of my lungs. I didn’t think he would kick me out. What about all of that unconditional love stuff and lifting up those who are down? Not judging lest ye be judged? It runs through my head like lightning. Like fire. I start for my room. What will I pack? How much time will I have? Where will I go?

“Door is that way
,
Dani.” Dad points.

“But my stuff…”

“
I
bought that stuff!” He’s yelling again, his face a new shade of red
,
and he’s pointing to the back door. “It stays
here
!” He’s so loud I swear I can feel it through every cell of my body.
My shaking’s
not just internal anymore. Morning sickness is back, just like that. Only I can’t throw up now.

I stumble through the kitchen, grab my coat and school pack. I’m immediately so, so thankful my camera’s in there. I open the backdoor
and close it behind me, resisting
the urge to slam it as hard as I can. Again, I’m numb, it seems like such a contrast to what I
should
feel. I have no idea where to go.

I can’t go to Jill or Kristin’s houses. I can’t bring myself to call Tracy or Michael. Zack’s not an option. It’s dark outside and getting late. My feet take me up the road. I have to think of somewhere that’s still open, that will be open. It’s a mile out of our subdivision and another mile to the grocery store.

I stand just inside the fro
nt
door of the grocery store for a while. I have
n’t eaten dinner. I have a five-
dollar bill and a few crumpled ones.
There’s
some quarters in my backpack for the vending machines at school. I buy a cheap muffin left over from breakfast at the deli and get a cup for water. I sit down in the small café chairs until the
store’s
nearly closed.

It seems like very little’s occupying my brain. Time goes by and nothing else comes. I must be in shock. I push myself out of my seat and walk out the door into the co
ld, realizing t
here’s no way I can stay outside tonight. It might be April
,
but it’s still freezing.

I’m back on the sidewalk when I
see Denny’s. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that first.
How long will they let me stay if I only buy a few dollars worth of food? What will I do tomorrow?
It’s too much to think about.

I have all night, all the time in the world. Barnes
and Noble
is
across the street so
I wander in. Bookstores are made for wandering, lounging and sitting. This is perfect. This is what I can do. I’m like a pro at lounging. The thought almost makes me smile. Almost.

The
rows and rows of books
relax me
. I sit down on the floor in the photography section and start thumbing through
books
. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to take pictures like these. I realize as I take book after book from the shelf that it’s the people pictures I’m drawn to. It’s what I take in school
,
but it seemed like most famous photographers take pictures of trees or urban art or something.

I smile, for real, realizing that my brain has finally found something to think about. Something to drown out my father’s angry voice and my inability to process what I’m going to do with myself. I’ve never stolen anything before
,
but I grab a small book of portrait photography and put it in my coat. I’ll find a way to pay them back later, or sneak the book back in. I read through a few more books and then get up to look around somewhere else. The store is open for another hour.
Until midnight.

When the bookstore closes, I head back across the street to Denny’s. I’m starving again and only have a few dollars
left. It’s just after midnight.
O
nly six and a half more hours until I can get into the school.
I realize that I’ll need to save a little money for the city bus. School is too far to walk from here. My bagel arrives
,
and I dig through my backpack to see what I have. My math text, two blank spiral noteb
ooks, my few dollars, my camera
, a pack of gum, tic-
tacs
and a few stray hair ties. Too bad I don’t have gym this year, at least that would be one change of clothes.

~
~
~

Denny’s is going to be an all-nighter. The worst is at just after two am, when the bars close down. I ignore looks from the waitresses. I insist I’m waiting for someone. We all know I’m lying, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I pull out my stolen book and do my best to lose myself in it. I do
not
want to fall asleep in a booth at Denny’s. I have the book memorized by the time I feel I can start the trek to my high school. Denny’s booths are not made for pregnant girls, who are afraid to sleep, for six hours.
At all.
I’m stiff, sore, hungry and tired.

9

My life
feel
s
too horrible to face.
I don’t know w
here I’m going to sleep tonight because there’s no way I’m spending another night in Denny’s. Maybe I could sneak into the weight room before they lock up the school and sleep on the wrestling mats.

The school doors open at six thirty
,
and I’m there waiting. I haven’t looked in a mirror
,
but I can feel the dark circles under my eyes. I’m tired.
Beyond tired, and
I’m sure I look terrible. I open my locker, set my bo
ok down and pull out my camera.

Walking around the school in semi-darkness makes me feel like I’m up to no good.
Kinda
cool, like a super-spy or something. The teachers arriving
start to
pull me out of my fantasy. I take pictures of the empty hallways. Maybe a third of the teacher
s are here, no students and it
s
still quiet. I start to enjoy the stillness of the early morning. Through the rectangle view of my lens, the world looks peaceful. There’s repetition and order in the structure of the b
uilding,
in the lockers, the doorways, the bricks in the walls, the books in the library.

As students start to arrive, the atmosphere changes. I sit on the floor and take pictures as
they come down the hallways,
keep
ing the
camera to my face. The boy and girl are holding hands, they’re dating, he likes her,
she
likes him. Easy.

A few guys, walking together pushing and shoving but smiling.
Also easy, friends.

Everything becomes simple. Everything fits in my neat tidy rectangle. What would I see if I saw myself in that small box? Alone? Sad? I’m not sure. Probably just tired. I feel too complicated to fit in there right now.

I turn and scoot myself to face the opposite direction.
Still behind my camera.
Tracy and Michael, talking, interested but not too intere
sted. Brother and Sister. Easy.

Michael
looks straight at
me and smiles
.
I feel my finger take the picture. I know right now it’s going to be my favorite picture of him.
Simple, easy, smiling.
My chest loosens for the first t
ime since…
well, since I saw him last. Yesterday
was Zack
followed by Dad
.

“Morning. You’re here early,” h
e says standing over me. He reaches his hand down to pull me to my feet.

I’m way too eager to take his hand
,
but it feels as good as I knew it would. “Yeah, so are you.”

“We’re always here early
. W
e have seminary before school.”

“Oh, right.”

“So, what brings
you
here?” He reads my expression quickly and knows right away that there isn’t an easy answer. I look down.

“Dani!”
Daniel
yells from
behind me. I turn to see him coming up the hallway. I start to feel relieved, but then he looks at Michael and his face turns angry. “You happy about what you’ve done here, huh?” He walks past me and toward Michael. He tries to
stand up taller than he is, and
points his finger to Michael’s chest. Michael doesn’t reflect the same cockiness as my brother, but he doesn’t back down either.

“What are you talking about?” Michael’s brow pulls down.

“You and your little Mormon crowd got my sister kicked out of the house!”

I cringe.

“Dani?” Michael looks at me with shock and concern.

I love it. I love that he cares about me enough to look at me that way. I should
be freaking out at my brother—
that’ll
probably
hit in a sec.

“You leave her alone!” Daniel yells. This brings me back to the present. He starts to move toward Michael again
,
and I put myself between them pushing Daniel back.

“Knock it off Daniel. I
t’s not his fault. I
t’s mine. I lied to Mom and Dad, not him,
or
any of his friends.” I hadn’t had to. They didn’t care.

Daniel relaxes
, but just
a little.

I look
over my shoulder
at Michael. “I’ll see you later on.” I try to sound relaxed, but I’m not.