My Forever (10 page)

“You’re a very brave girl, Dani.” We sit next to one another in small folding chairs. She’s driven out from church social services to see me
about putting the baby up for adoption
. There’s no way for me to go to her.

“No, no I’m not.” All I can think about is how much I don’t want to be doing any of this. I feel like I’m shaking. Each step I take makes this all feel more real. I’m not brave at all.

“Let’s go over some of the basic stuff, so you have something to think about, okay?”
She holds her hands over a file with my name on it.

I wait for her to continue. My brain is a haze
,
and anything that comes out of my mouth right now will just make me look stupid.

She talks through the whole process for me, what they can do for me, what they can’t. Screening for adoptive families, my decisions and what they mean. Everything. In less than an hour, she answers all of my questions.

It feels like the right thing, but it also feels foreign, and way too real. I’m
not sure if my talk with her mak
e
s
me feel better, or worse.

“Well, Dani. I think all you need to do now is to keep being prayerful and do what feels right for you, oka
y?” Both her voice and her face is all sincerity.

“Okay.” I’m not used to all
this freedom. My dad always says
that we need to make our
own
choices, but he’s always going back and forcing us to do what he thinks is the right thing. It’s a lesson in irony considering that this church has always seemed so restrictive.

It’s
all a choice, a conscious choice to do what you know is right, or not. You choose, we choose. I can choose. I’m slowly learning to listen to that small voice inside of me. This is the right thing. It feels good. I want to take anything that feels good and make a decision. It makes it seem like I have
some
control even though I mostly feel like I’m caught in a
crazy
whirlwind with no way out.

~
~
~

I wake up Saturday morning to balloons and birthday pancakes for Daniel and me. I almost forgot
our
birthday. I’m now an adult.
Eighteen.
Weird.

After yet another day where I pretend that everything is normal in front of my family, I decide it’s time to write Lucas.

Lucas,

   I’m not exactly sure how to start this. I’m pregnant. I’ve found an adoption agency that I feel good about. All I need from you is a few signatures. The lines you need to sign are highlighted. Just mail this back to my high school c/o Mrs. Davies, she’s the nurse and knows the situation.

Thanks,

Dani

It’s short
,
but if I start talking I’ll just ramble
,
and I don’t want that. I want to tell him I know it’s my fault. He doesn’t have to worry. He shouldn’t feel guilty. But I don’t.

I’m walking home from school. It’s spring but early spring which means that the snow on the sidewalk has turned to ice and someone, in their wonderful wisdom has put a bunch of dirt on it which really just makes muddy ice. I turn on my street and almost run into Zack. Wow, it’s been a long time.
A way long time.
How did that happen?

“Are you avoiding me?” He zips his black hoodie up a little tighter. It’s the one with Calvin and Hobbes on the front and usually I tickle Hobbes, just as an excuse to touch him in places I normally wouldn’t. Today I don’t even feel the urge.

“No.” I pause. “I don’t know.” Probably I am. I usually call him and initiate us getting together
,
and I haven’t. Now it’s just one more thing adding weight to my chest. One more place I’m really screwing up.

“Did I do something?” h
e asks. His hoodie is pulled tightly around his pale face
so I can barely see him
.

“We’re not dating Zack. We’re just friends.” Okay, I know this is the lamest thing ever to say
,
and part of me cringes as it comes out.

“We’re not really friends if we never see each other.” He kicks some ice-dirt around under his feet.

He
also
makes a good point.

“I got myself in
some trouble, that’s all. I knew you’d
be mad so I’m avoiding.” Is honesty the best thing here? Wouldn’t it be better if he didn’t know?

“Oh.”

“Sorry Zack.” I really am lame, like the worst person ever.

“So we’re not friends?” he asks.

“I’m pregnant,
” I tell him.

His face falls
,
and I feel a small pang in my chest for him
, and for me
. “I’m sorry.”

Without a word, he turns back toward his house, and
I continue on to mine. The pain
in my chest spreads
,
and I want to cry for like the millionth time since the pregnancy test. Today officially sucks.

~
~
~

“Hey
Dani
?” I stop in the dark kitchen at the sound of my dad’s voice. I can see
my parents in the living room, but
don’t know where everyone else is. “Why
don’t you come in here a
minute.
W
e haven’t talked in a while.”

It’s my dad who wants to be doing some sort of ‘catch-up’ with his daughter. This is it.
He knows, or I’m going to end up telling him.
I know it. I can feel it
,
and I have no idea what I’m going to say or how it’s going to happen
,
but it’s all about to come out.

“Hey, Mom. H
ey
,
Dad.” I try to sound casual as I walk in and sit down. I do pretty well considering that it feels like my body is about to shake apart.

“How’s the play going?” he asks. There’s more than curiosity in his voice. He’s fishing.

“Okay.”
I’m avoiding.

“I’m a little concerned because it seems like you’re gone from here for a lot more afternoons than you’re helping there
,
and I wanted to know what you were doing with that time away from home?” He looks at me expectantly. Mom is next to him, allowing him to handle the ‘situation.’

“I’m pregnant.” It just comes out. It actually seems safer to tell my dad that I’m pregnant than hanging out with the Mormon kids at their church. How’s that for crazy?

“What!” My mom stands up behind him. She’s not mad. She’s pissed. Dad’s face is turning several colors of
purply
red and my mom’s
body trembles
with anger.

D
ad waves his hand back for her to sit down. She does it. Just one little wave of his hand and she sits. Every part of her still shows anger and disbelief.
Her face, her shoulders, her hands in fists.

My dad clears his throat. “Who’s the father?” He means to be answered.

“It’s not important
,
D
ad,” I answer quietly. I’m not going to tell him.
I can’t do that to Lucas.

He growls out a chuckle. It’s not a good sound. “Oh, no. It is
definitely
important.”

“I’m putting the baby up for adoption
.
I don’t even know if he knows yet. It’s just not important.” I’m determined. I want to fast forward past the next ten to thirty minutes of my life until this conversation is over. Unfortunately I’m stuck here. I don’t have that superpower.

“Well it’s important to me!” He stands up, no longer able to contain his volume.

I sit
, waiting to hear what he’ll say next. Seriously, what else can I do? Yelling back won’t help, admitting everything won’t help. It’ll just make things worse for more people than me. No one
else
needs to
be involved in
this right now.

“You can’t just put this baby up for adoption
,
Danielle. It’s fam
ily,” M
om says.

I knew this argument would come up.

I look down.

“Don’t shake your head at me!”

I don’t realize that I am. “I’m sorry,
D
ad. I’ve spent a lot of time praying about this
,
and I know it’s the right thing.”

“Does this have anything to do with you being absent after school?” He’s suspicious and starting to piece things together.

I don’t want to answer. More than I didn’t want to tell them I’m pregnant, I don’t want to answer. Why isn’t my wandering brain taking me out of
this
situation? I
nod because I’m a terrible liar
and know better than to attempt.

“Care to explain?” He folds his arms across his chest. He’s still standing here, making his presence felt with every breath. He’s never raised his hand to me, but if he ever does, it’ll happen now.

“I have a friend…
who was adopted through the Mormon Church and it seemed like…”

He
rears back
as if I’d slapped him across the face.

“I’m sorry
, D
ad. I know it’s the right thing. I’ve prayed, so much. I’m just asking you to trust me a little.” But I know he won’t. This is not and never will be on his list of things he’ll allow.

“You’re a
kid
! You can’t know the right thing!” He growls out the words.

“I’m eighteen.” Okay, this is a stupid thing to say
,
but I don’t think about how stupid it is until it comes out. It just happens in stressful situations
,
and I
’m shaking.
I really can’t be expected to think clearly.