My Forever (18 page)

My eyes catch Michael’s in the rearview mirror
,
and I’m immediately glad I asked.

He’s thrilled. It’s all over his face.

~
~
~

I’m nervous on the morning of my baptism. I want some huge sign that I’m doing the right thing. It doesn’t come. I still
know
it’s the right thing, but the feeling is so quiet. It’s quiet like it was when I first
talked to Michael about
my unborn baby. It’s quiet like it
was
when I said ‘no’ to
Lucas in front of my school. It
s quiet but gentle and
pushing
me for
ward. I want more than
a
quiet
idea that I’
m doing the right thing
but
don’t get it.

I know what the process will be. I have the same soft feeling as I step into the water. It’s interrupted by something different when Michael’s gentle hands carefully dip me under the surface, but it’s still there. I want to throw my arms around him and kiss him
when he pulls me back up, but
don’t.

When
I sit down to be confi
rmed a member of the church
I’m in partial disbelief at what I just did.
At what I’m doing.
They say words of encouragement
,
and I hear “strength”, “determination” and “strong spirit” several times. I want to remember everything, to soak it all up.

Before I know it, we’re heading home.
It all happened so fast.

I feel like I should distance myself from Michael when we get
back to his house
, and end up on the couch with Tracy. What’s crazy is that I didn’t even sit like this with my sisters.
My own family.
Tracy and I talk, but not a lot. Michael and I talk, but I can’t tell him how I feel.
We work in silence.

Lucas is right on one thing. I don’t let people in.

~
~
~

Nothing could have prepared me for school the next day. Every single one of Michael and Tracy’s friends from church are coming up to me and giving me high fives, hugs, pats on the back. The attention I’d alread
y been getting from them doubles
. I belong
,
and I feel good about it.

Even though my family still isn’t speaking to me, I have support. I have backup. I have people.

12

Time is flying. I’ve settled into a routine with Michael, Tracy
, and their
mom. It invo
lves me keeping to myself a bit because
I still feel like an intruder here. Michael is nice, as always
,
but he feels more polite than I want him to.
There’s
only a few more weeks until
graduation.
I’m still not
sure what I’ll do with myself. A
knock at my door
pulls
my from
my thoughts
.

“Yeah?”

Michael’s head appears around the side of the door. “Hey, do you want to go somewhere with me?”

Anywhere
. I just nod. We haven’t been alone for a while, not since the day he sat on my bed to look at pictures.

I climb into the passenger’s side of his car and he takes off down the road. He drives across town and pulls us into the parking lot of the downtown mall.

“Really? The mall?” I tease. “I was waiting for some spiritual journey.”

He laughs. “I just thought it would be fun to be somewhere that nobody knows you. Where you can walk around and just be you.”

It suddenly seems like a really nice gesture. I feel the warmth from him that I’ve missed. He comes to let me ou
t of my side of the car, and
takes my hand in his. I don’t want to question for fear it will stop. I don’t think we’re this way
, but maybe I’m wrong.

He must notice my hesitation. “When was the last time someone touched you, held your hand or gave you a hug when they didn’t want something from you?”
h
e asks.

I don’t know.
Missing my family slices through my chest.
Daniel’s smirk.
Hannah’s eye-rolling.
Mom’s cooking.
Everything.

“I like you.” He squeezes my hand. “We’re friends
. T
his is not a big deal.”

I hope we don’t run into anyone we know. Would it be embarrassing for him? It’s almost embarrassing for me, that he’s doing me this odd favor
,
but I don’t want
him to let go
.

How would Michael and I look inside the confines of my camera lens?
Like a couple for sure.
Probably a married couple.
I’m
pregnant,
we’re comfortable with each other. We laugh, we talk, and he never takes his hand from mine. We share a dozen Mrs. Fields cookies and start the drive home. It’s all over way too fast.

We’re laughing when we walk in the front door. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like this. Collette doesn’t look as welcoming as she usually does. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s sensing the mood of the people around me. I’m an observer, always have been.

My stomach sinks as silence hangs between the three of us.
I e
xcuse myself and go to my room, afraid that everything I gained from my afternoon with Michael will be lost if I don’t get away.

~
~
~

An hour later, I hear a knock at my door. “It’s Collette, Dani.”

“Come on in.”

“Hey Dani.” She
has this really awkward
smile
p
l
astered on
. “Can I sit?”

I gesture to the foot of the bed. I’m sitting up working on homework.
Anything to keep my mind from her odd stare when Michael and I returned today.

“Are you aware that Michael leaves in September for his mission?”

“Yeah, I think it’s great.” As sad as I know I’ll be when he’s gone, I’m glad he’s so dedicated.

“As his mom
,
I’m a little concerned.” She looks like she doesn’t know how to continue,
taking
in a f
ew purposeful breaths and shifting
her position twice on the end of my bed. “About how distracted
he’s getting…
with you.”

Part of me wants to laugh. That Michael feels toward me the way she’s suggesting… “Um… I guess I know what you’re saying
,
but there’s no way your son feels that way about me. He’s just been a good friend. That’s all. I’m really excited for him to go on his mission.” I’
m trying to reassure her even though ‘excited’ is not the word I’d use. I think he should, so I want him to, but I don’t want to think
about not seeing him for two ye
ars.

“Okay.” She still
sounds hesitant
. “Just be careful and make sure you don’t give him the wrong idea.”

Suddenly I’m afraid she’ll want me to find somewhere else to stay. The thought is overwhelming.

“You’re welcome here Dani, but I found out today that I got the job in Salt Lake City that I’ve been trying for. Tracy and I will be moving as soon as the school year is finished. I wanted you to know as soon as possible so you could make arrangements.”

I’ll have to find somewhere else to
live
. I knew it would come.  Maybe I’ll take the bishop up on his offer. I have nowhere else to go. I want out of Alaska, back to Washington
,
but that feels impossible.
Probably because it is.
Now I just want to survive the next few weeks.

~
~
~

Friday before Prom, Daniel walks over to my locker. He’s been avoiding me. I hate that my brother, my twin
and I
,
haven’t spoken
.

“Mom cleared out your savings account.” He hands me an envelope. “She and
D
ad have been fighting about you. A lot. She wants you home and…”

“Dad doesn’t,” I finish.
At this point, with Michael leaving and Collette moving, begging to go home might be my best shot.

“I charged a small delivery fee.” He grins.

“It’s oka
y. Thank you. Tell Mom thanks,
and that I’m doing better than I thought I’d be doing.”

“So, is it official?”
His eyes look wary, not like I’m his sister.

“What?”

“You joined that church?”

“Yep.” I know what he thinks. “The things we’ve been taught about them aren’t right, Daniel.”

“Whatever.” He looks away from me and his jaw tightens. “I hope the money helps.”
I don’t have to look at him to know I’ve been cut off again.

“Thanks again.”

He turns and walks away. I wonder if there will be a point when we’re friends again. It sucks that I’m even having this thought.

I open the envelope. The whole
two thousand
dollars is there.
Its money from the Alaska dividends and me working babysitting jobs along with some birthday money.
It’s a lot but not a lot. I know how fast it will disappear once I need it.

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