You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (11 page)

And if you go No Contact, it’s very possible that others – neighbours, friends, extended family – will judge you harshly for it. This can be difficult to deal with. As Lucinda on the forum said, ‘I struggled with this because I thought their opinions of me
somehow defined who I really was. If they thought I was bad it felt like I really was bad.’

She then realised, however, ‘When I got to know myself I realized I'm fine just the way I am. I know I’m a good person. Other people's opinions are just their opinions, they are not who I am.’

Sometimes DONMs find themselves hoping for their narcissistic mother to do something really big and awful, just one more thing, to justify going No Contact. Again, this is a very valid position to hold, but I do offer you the opportunity of considering all the awful things she has done already. Do you
really
need her to do one more thing?

Just like with an abusive spouse, sometimes we have to go back to the abuse of our mother time and again until finally we reach the place of being able to say,
Enough
. And that’s okay, you know. There’s no one standing there with a stopwatch or an impatiently tapping foot. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone else. You will do what you do, when you do it, and that’s okay.

Or sometimes DONMs feel somehow as if they need permission to go No Contact. Someone to tell them it’s okay. Well, in truth you don’t need anyone’s permission. But just in case, I give you mine:

I tell you categorically that
no one
has to stay with an abuser. No one is obliged to endure being psychologically and emotionally invalidated, lied to, lied about, undermined, dismissed and otherwise mistreated. I tell you that you have
every
right to only associate with people who treat you well and considerately. And that being biologically related to your abuser does not change that one bit.

You might think that it’s not fair to punish her. Thing is, you’re
not
punishing her. You’re protecting yourself by removing yourself from an abuser. If she does not like it, that is just a consequence.
It’s a subtle distinction but a real one. You are not doing it
to
her, you are doing it
for you
, and any impact on her is the consequence of that. Indeed, another meaning of the initials NC is Natural Consequences. She is experiencing the natural consequences of her actions, and it is not your job to protect her from those.

But she can’t help what she does, you might think next. True, in a way. She
can
act differently, but her NPD wouldn’t let her, so yes, she can’t help it. That still does not mean we have to put up with that treatment.

Put it this way: I know that a tiger cannot help being the way she is. I know that a tiger is a natural predator and will kill me given the chance. I do not blame her for that - she cannot help it. But I make it my business not to go near tigers, for my own safety. No blame whatsoever. Just avoidance. (We speak more about this topic later when we discuss forgiveness.)

So NC is not something you do
to
her. It’s something you do
for
you, for your health and sanity and well-being.

Now, let’s be very clear. NC has a very specific meaning. It means
no
contact. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t be a little bit No Contact. You either are, or you are not. If you have any contact at all, you are LC. Which is a perfectly legitimate thing to be. It’s just not NC.

This fact that No Contact means exactly that: no contact, is
descriptive
not
prescriptive.
By which I mean, this is not me, or anyone else telling you what to do. That always remains your choice. Your narcissistic mother tried to limit your choices and options. This book and what I share in it do exactly the opposite. They are about empowering you and describing your choices and options, with no agenda as to which ones you pick.

No Contact means:

You do not speak to her. Ever. No matter what. She is dead to you, in effect.

You do not listen to her, or give her another chance, or hear her out. You tried that. It did not work, remember? It
will not
work because your mother is a narcissist and narcissists do not change.

You do not let her into your house.

You do not go to her house.

You do not phone her. You do not answer her phone calls. Screen your calls if possible. If you answer the phone and it is her, hang up immediately without giving her any response.

Do not send or answer her e-mails or other correspondence. Do not even read them. They will be full of lies which will upset you. Block her emails if possible. (Keep her correspondence in a file though, as proof if you need to apply for a restraining order, of which more below.)

If possible, do not accept gifts in the post from her. If those gifts arrive, then just donate them to a charity shop. Do not send them back as that is more Narcissistic Supply. Do not send thank-you letters. I know that feels rude, but it is not. The normal rules do not apply with narcissists, as she is using those gifts to manipulate. If you have to sign for the parcels, just don’t – just refuse them.

If you need to communicate, say if you have a business or property in common, do so through solicitors.

Do not send her cards. No, not even for her birthday, or Mother’s Day, or Christmas.

Unfriend her on Facebook. Block her too, so she can’t see your statuses.

Nothing trumps NC. So no matter how big the news or the event, you do not involve them. So your wedding, the birth of your children, the weddings of your children will all happen without her. Yes, this is very, very sad. Yes, it is very, very necessary. Remember how she spoiled all the special occasions you
did
let her get involved in.

If you meet her in public, ignore her if possible. If that would cause upset and grief for others (say at a party or function you are at), then do the bare minimum you can possibly get away with. Do not let her use this opportunity to try to suck you into discussion.

Do not discuss her with others who are in contact with her. This is very important as she will probably send them to argue her case. More on this below.

I strongly advise that you think about what you will do in various scenarios that she might try. It’s essential to have a plan so you are not taken by surprise when it happens. It’s hard to think strategically when we are stressed. 

So, if she comes to the front door of your house and knocks on it, how will you react? If you are NC, you do not answer the door – but what will you do? Retreat upstairs? Go to the kitchen?

Or, if you open the door by mistake, what will you do? Again, for NC, the only appropriate reaction is to close the door in her face. (I know this seems extreme. But as we discuss later, normal rules don’t apply with narcissists). If you answer the phone and it’s her, what will you do? Speak to her? Hang up? Put the phone down without hanging up and walk away?

Now, this is very important – not only do you need to plan all this, but I strongly advise you to practise it too. There is a reason actors rehearse so extensively, sportspeople practise so much. It’s because the body needs to know what to do without thinking. It needs to know its role by habit, without having to consciously do it. When you are under stress, you tend to revert to known actions, and closing doors on your mother, or hanging up on her, are not known actions. Not until you make them so, anyway, which is the point.

So, silly though it might feel, rehearse this. If at all possible get someone to take the role of your mother, banging on the door, plaintively calling you through the letterbox, for example.

It might sound excessive to do all this, but it will bring you peace. You won’t have to wonder what you’ll do in any given situation, you’ll
know
! And you’ll have rehearsed it. You will be prepared, so you no longer have to fret about it but can go about your life.

All this is important because
No Contact is THE END. You have already done everything possible to try to create a good healthy relationship and it has not worked.

There is nothing left for you to try. It is time for you to walk away, to concentrate on your healing (of which more below) and to create your own life in your own way, to create the life you deserve. It is time for you to put your energy into finding and creating healthy mutually-empowering relationships and not to waste time banging on a door that will never open.

No Contact will give you peace and tranquillity such as you cannot imagine right now. It will free you from living in the web of lies she created. It will free you from trying to be this mythical perfect person she demanded you try to be (and then made sure you could not be).

Now, having said all that, you can break No Contact at any time. You have the absolute right to do that. This is about meeting
your
needs, and sometimes you need to try again, to double check if she was as bad as you thought. 

You might fall for her tricks and get sucked back in. That’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You get as many chances as you need to get this right. And even that word, ‘right’, only means, ‘right for you’. There is no arbiter, no judge. This is about empowering
you
and meeting
your
needs.

You either just stop contacting her and wait for her to get the hint, ignoring all contact in the meantime, or you write a No Contact letter. Again, it is up to you what you do, but I do recommend the No Contact letter as it will make it mentally easier for you to ignore her attempts at contacting you if you have already told her why.

So, what do you put in a No Contact letter? I strongly suggest that you put as absolutely little as possible. I know it is tempting to pour your heart onto the page, and tell her exactly what has been wrong with your relationship all these years, and why you’re cutting her off – but this can backfire hugely. That will just give her ammunition to come back and gaslight you with (‘That
never
happened!’) and to smear you with in the inevitable smear campaign.

I know there might be a residual hope that if you pour your heart out and show her that you’re so upset about these events, and so serious about them that you are going to cut off contact, it will make her realise her mistakes. It won’t. It really, really will not. She is a narcissist. She cannot accept responsibility for her actions. She cannot accept that she has done anything wrong.

Now, it absolutely
is
a good idea to write that heart-felt letter, pouring it all out. Just don’t send it. Write it for
you.
Write it to remind yourself of all that she did, so you can refer to it if you are tempted to contact her again (and your mind will play those tricks on you, which we discuss more below). Write it so that you can claim your right to speak your truth despite the lies she forced on you.

Or, if you do write it to send, make sure you are sending it for your own reasons. For the satisfaction of finally having spoken your truth. Don’t send it hoping it’ll make her have a change of heart, because, as already said, that will not happen.

Here’s one suggestion for an NC letter, based on the one I myself wrote.

Dear Mum,
I have realised that our relationship is intrinsically dysfunctional, toxic and emotionally abusive, and that I will be far healthier and happier if I remove myself from it.
Therefore I ask you not to contact me again. I do not do this in anger, or offence, but rather in profound sadness. But I do ask it. Any further communication from you will be binned unopened/deleted unread.
Despite everything, I wish you all the best for your future. [Your name]

Note that I included the best wishes for the future because I was careful not to go NC in anger or revenge.

You may choose to send the NC letter registered post so that she cannot deny having received it.

So, what will happen when she receives your NC letter?

Possibly nothing. It is very possible that she will not react at all, that you will never hear from her again. If she is an Ignoring NM that is more likely.

In one way it is a relief not to hear from her. You wanted NC, and you have it.

But yet, it hurts. It hurts that she dropped you so easily. That you meant so little to her. It’s a real slap in the face. You can use the EFT script designed to erase this hurt. But also, remember that if it were different and she had hounded you, it’s not because she loved you. It would be because she didn’t want to lose her chew toy, frankly. She didn’t want to lose the source of Narcissistic Supply.

And so, if she does not do anything, you are off the hook. Free to do the emotional work of healing and start creating your own best life. You can go straight to the section on Healing to see how to do just that. And if she does contact you at a later stage, you can come back here to read about that.

However …