You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (13 page)

She doesn’t. She just does not. She misses her chew toy. That’s all you are to her. Did you ever take a dead mouse from a cat? Did the cat miss the mouse? Sure. The cat probably meowed piteously and scratched around looking for the mouse. Does that mean the cat wanted a loving, mutually respecting relationship with the mouse?

Again, if you are truly NC you will not have heard this argument. You will have politely but firmly told the Flying Monkey that you will not discuss this situation with them, that your decision is final and not up for debate.

And if you
have
heard this argument? Well, you have two options. You can then politely tell them that it doesn’t make any difference. Or, you can agree to meet her to discuss it, and have her gaslight and invalidate etc, and you will realise you were right the first time, and then resume NC.

But do you take the point I’m trying to make? That there is no wrong way to do this. You can make a million mistakes, and still reclaim your NC. It’s all okay. The only proviso is that if you give into a Flying Monkey’s entreaties once, you’ll have to work that bit harder to refuse them the next time, to convince them all that you really mean it this time. But that’s okay too; you’ll just do that.

Another option your narcissistic mother might take, especially if she’s at the more malignant end of the spectrum, is to start a comprehensive Smearing Campaign. This is when she tells lies about you to everyone she can. And unfortunately she will sound convincing too. There might be enough of a grain of truth in it to make it sound credible.

And unfortunately many narcissists are very persuasive and so it’s likely that most people will believe her. And there’s nothing you can do – you won’t know that she is saying this until people stop talking to you or are distant with you, and the damage is done then. (If they were the sort of people who would ask you for your side of the story before coming to a conclusion, then they’d already have done that.)

This tactic is especially tricky when used on the rest of your family. Narcissists rarely operate alone. They usually have a co-dependent enmeshed dynamic going on. And by daring to leave that dynamic, by daring to speak the truth, your narcissistic mother will make sure that they all turn on you. And they very possibly will.

And so, you have to accept the very real possibility that by going NC with your mother, you will lose the rest of your family too. Again, only you can decide if it is worth it to you – it’s a tough decision, and one no one should have to make, but it’s the kind of decision that is forced on us by the horrendous dynamic created by narcissists. This especially applies to Enabling Fathers.

A lot of DONMs struggle with going NC because it will mean losing contact with their father whom they still love. Yes, theoretically they could meet him independently of her, and it might be worth your while seeing if that is possible. But in pretty much all cases that I am aware of the father has been too much in the narcissistic mother’s spell to agree to see his daughter independently. He will side with his wife regardless of his love for his daughter or her needs. And that makes sense because that is what he has done all his daughter’s life after all; why should it change now?

And so, you will have to decide on whether you will put up with your mother for the sake of seeing your father, or not. It’s an awful decision, and one that no one should be forced to make. But it is the reality.
 

One of the reasons DONMs give for not going NC is worry about what everyone will think of them. And in truth, there is no way, probably, to go NC and have everyone think you did the right thing.

The fact is that most people don’t know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They either have not heard of it at all, or if they have, they dimly think it’s something to do with extreme vanity. And so the narcissists are able to ‘pass’ among normal people, pretending to be like us, hiding among us. And only we few know about them.

To me it seems like a 1950s B-movie where the aliens have landed, are successfully pretending to be human, and only a few people realise the truth. And those few people are desperately telling the others, ‘They’re not real! They’re aliens! Do you not get it?’ and the others just dismiss the truth-tellers as being mad or crazy, and the aliens successfully continue their impersonation.

It truly is that difficult to tell the normal ones exactly what is going on with a narcissist. And so they, from their limited perspective, understandably think that you are being mean and nasty cutting off a perfectly lovely woman, and your mother to boot!

And so, you will most likely be vilified and lambasted for that decision, and there’s not much you can do about it. Again, only you can decide if the price of being in touch with her is worth keeping the relatively good opinion of these people.

If you delete and ignore enough, eventually she will most likely get the hint. The trick is not to respond at all, even to reiterate your demands to be left alone. If you do that, you’re just teaching her that you
can
be made to react, and so she’ll continue her campaign.

Occasionally narcissistic mothers do not give up, and their hoovering becomes sheer stalking. In this case you need to get police advice and see what legal recourse you have towards solving this – a restraining order or similar.

When DONMs go NC they can experience a range of benefits immediately. Many report just feeling happier, lighter, less stressed. They find that they are taking better care of themselves – getting haircuts, manicures, etc. Many lose excess weight without even trying now that they’re no longer comfort eating to help them cope with their mother. Others find that they are more creative – ideas come to them, their crafts or art just flows better. They feel better about themselves, which again makes sense as they are no longer being consistently run down. 

However, sometimes it is not so easy. Yes, those gifts await. But sometimes there are challenges before you receive them.

There is the bereavement mentioned previously. That is very real.

Also, after going NC huge guilt can kick in too. It’s easy to forget how bad your mother is and start minimising what she has done to you. This is not surprising as minimising is what we were taught to do all our lives. And, again society doesn’t help with its insistence on worshipping the cult of The Mother.

To get over guilt I have a few suggestions. The first is to use the EFT script for erasing that guilt.

The second is to read the section on Beliefs. Your guilt is based on false beliefs. The guilt is
real
but it is not
justified
. And then, as you experience guilt, observe that feeling. Allow it to be. Do not fight it, do not resist it, do not think it’s wrong. It is what it is. All feelings are fine. (I know, again, that your mother taught you differently, but she was wrong about that as about so much else.)

So, observe the feeling of guilt, but yet do not swim in it or become submerged in it. The act of observing it will distance you from it. Tune into yourself and see where in your body you are holding it – e.g. a tension in your chest, a stone in your stomach, and just observe that.

You can even talk to the guilt as per the dialogue suggested below. I know this might seem strange, but in reality you are just talking to the part of yourself which is experiencing the guilt. You will see that the dialogue I suggest is courteous and even grateful. This is because this guilt is not the enemy. It is you trying to help you based on the information it has.

You can say, ‘Hello, Guilt. I see you. I acknowledge you. Thank you for coming to try to help me. I know you want me to do the right thing. And you think the right thing is to send her a birthday card. But you know, that is not so. That is wrong information. The right thing for me is to mind myself and protect myself from an abuser.’

The third suggestion is to write your story as advised above. (Or, if you have written it, to re-read it.) This will remind you of why you are NC and stop you minimising her actions. One member of our forum, Janet, even wrote the Top Ten list of her mother’s horrendous actions, and attached them with a magnet to her fridge (folded over so that she did not read them by mistake). That way they were there and handy for her to read if she was ever tempted to phone her mother.

Quite apart from bereavement and guilt, NC can simply feel strange. You might feel very out-of-sorts and not know why. Confused. Discombobulated. This is because you have been under the weight of the dysfunction for so long that it can feel strange without it. And because you were referencing your mother (and her likes, and dislikes, and possible annoyances, and need for attention) with regard to so much in your life –  now you are not doing that, and it feels odd. You are like someone coming off a ship and finding it strange to walk on solid ground until they get used to it.

You might also miss the drama. Even though you are not a drama addict like your mother, it’s what you’re used to. Life can seem very quiet and boring without it. I suggest you ask yourself honestly if this is so. If it is, just remind yourself that drama is by its nature disturbing and destructive, that life brings enough of its own dramas without creating more, and know that you will get used to this too, and enjoy the peace in time.

For now, just accept the strange feeling, in much the same way as you accept how it feels strange to wear new shoes until it doesn’t feel strange any more. You will get used to this new way of being, gradually and imperceptibly.

This is a tricky one. Because of society’s belief that we should all stay in touch with our mother, no matter how abusive she is – or even more so, because society still cannot accept that mothers can be abusive – it’s not easy to explain. And you don’t want to get into explaining anyway, most likely. It’s no one’s business really. I tend to try to tell people the truth, if it’s appropriate. This is because it is my passion to inform the world about NPD (hence my website, forum and this book), and that would not apply to you, most likely.

The trick is to remember that you have no need to
JADE
. That is, no need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your reasons. You don’t have to convince the other person that you were right to do what you did.

So, depending on the situation, you can give more or less information. You can just say lightly (to colleagues say, who want to know if you’re going to see your parents for Christmas), ‘No. My parents and I are estranged.’ And then change the subject.

To others, say your mother-in-law, or your best friend, you can explain a bit more. You can say, ‘My mother has an incurable personality disorder that makes her consistently mistreat and abuse me. This disorder also means that she is not open to change or to treating me better, so my only option is to remove myself. I realise you will find that hard to understand, but I do ask you to trust me in this, to believe that I did not come to this decision lightly, and, if you cannot support this decision, at least do not undermine it.’

If they are interested enough, they can read this book.

A big challenge with going No Contact is what to tell your children. This will depend on their age and on the relationship they had with your mother, so this advice can only be general.

Many DONMs start off by thinking that they have to allow their children to stay in touch with their parents. After all, goes the thinking, it would be totally wrong to deprive children of their grandparents.

If you have this mindset, I do offer you the suggestion that you could re-evaluate this. Yes, in an ideal situation your children will have grandparents. But you do not find yourself in an ideal situation or anything like it. Your mother is an
abuser.
She is toxic, i.e. poisonous. And the poison, while metaphorical rather than literal, is very, very real. Look at the effect she has had on you.

You have every right, and indeed, the responsibility, to protect your children from abusers no matter who they are. Even though society possibly gives grandparents a higher iconic status even than mothers; even so, if the grandparents are abusers, your children need to be protected from them.

You are teaching your children that when no compromise can be worked out with a difficult person, you must go on your way, for your own health and sanity.
Also
you are teaching them that just because someone is a family member, it is not ok for them to abuse you and get away with it. These are valuable lessons for children to learn.

If your mother is an Ignoring Grandmother, as mine was, then there is little or no difficulty. My son, who was 12 at the time, literally sagged with relief when he heard he’d never have to see her or my father again.

But the challenge is when your Narcissistic Mother is engulfing, as they often are with young grandchildren. Sometimes the narcissistic mothers can make really good grandparents to young children, who in turn adore them. You might hesitate to break this bond, understandably so. There are a couple of things to consider though about this:
 

It is very possible that once your child reaches the age where she starts saying no to her Gran, or expressing opinions, or in any way becoming her own person (you know, the sort of thing normal people
celebrate!
), often around the age of 7, that your NM will turn on her and become narcissistically nasty to her. So better to cut off the contact now, if that’s the case, rather than set your child up for a bigger fall later.