Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale (20 page)

“Then what happened?” Cam and Kat ask at the same time, breaking me from my memory.

“He told me that the song made him think of me and then kissed me under the stars. And it was a hot, sexual tension filled kiss, that made me want to rip off his clothes, but that was it. He knows I need to take baby steps.” I leave out the part when he had me pressed up against the side of the house, his hands cupping my heaving breasts, telling me that no one has ever made him feel this way. Telling me that when he does have me, and he will, he knows there will be no turning back.

Cam sits back in her chair and crosses her arms with a victorious smile. “I’m going to go ahead and take credit for this little love match since I was the one that told him where you lived and invited him to dinner last night.”

Kate waves her arms in the air. “Hold up and slow your roll. I was the one that got her to go to the club. He kissed her that night too.”

Cam interjects. “Alright, so Jess, when did you first fall for him? Last night? Yesterday? Last week?”

I smile. “I don’t know.” My smile fades and maybe it’s the margaritas, maybe it’s how safe these girls make me feel, but I decide to say what I’ve been thinking a lot about. “I think, that night, at the hospital, when Dave was dying, was when I realized what a good person he was.” I choke up even saying the words, I love Dave so much still, and remembering I’ll never see him again cuts deep. “He was so compassionate, so empathetic. I don’t know, it was like I knew he was the only person who could understand what I was going through. Right then, I think I subconsciously felt a connection to him, but it was nothing at all romantic. Then, when I saw him at the GoodFellas event, by the lifeguard stand, he was a comfort that I didn’t expect.” Both girls have tears in their eyes, but are smiling, and I smile back when a cool breeze of comfort sweeps through me. “At the club with Kat was the first time I noticed how damn hot he was. I mean the other times I obviously realized he was good looking, but not in a sexy, I want to jump your bones way, like he did then. When we spent the day at the beach yesterday and dinner at your house, I obviously was starting to realize that there could possibly be something between us. But after last night, I
want
to have something more, and that both excites and scare me.”

Cam takes my hand in hers. “I know sweetie. But you deserve this. You can’t feel guilty for it, and I know you do. You always try to cover things up with a joke or sarcastic comment, but you don’t need to with us. You deserve to be loved again.”

We are all crying now and begin laughing when DJ begins to make noises from his crib. “Thanks you guys. It’s just still really hard. I love Dave today as much as I did when he was alive, and moving on with someone else makes me feel like I have to leave Dave behind. I don’t think I can ever do that.”

Kat takes my free hand in hers. “Jess, you’ll never leave him behind, none of us will. But it’s time to move on.”

I smile through my tears knowing they’re right and look up into the sky, noticing a heart shaped cloud. “It’s time to try and give love a chance,” I say softly thinking of Dave.

Dave

“D
avid Bosi, don’t you turn your back on me!” I could hear the hurt in Jess’s trembling voice. I knew I’d hurt her, and I couldn’t stand to see the pain in her eyes, and knew I had to make things right. I had to explain it to her and maybe she’d understand.

I stopped in my tracks and turned back to the only girl I’ve ever loved. Just the look on her face was enough to make me shatter into a million pieces. Tears were spilling from her blue questioning eyes. I reached for her shaking hand and she let me. “Jess, I don’t know what to say, but it’s not what you think.”

She wasn’t the fireball of anger that I so often saw when she was defending Cam or our friends, the heartbreak on her face was almost crippling to see. She nodded her head, not bothering to wipe her tears, rather letting me see them wash over her, her body heaved up and down with each sob. “I just never expected this from you Dave. Never. You are my rock. The glue that held my shattered heart together.”

I pulled her close and wrapped her in my arms. “I still am Jess. I’ll always be. I haven’t kissed her, or done anything with her Jess. She’s just a friend.”

She pushed me away and sat down on the sand at my feet, pulled her legs to her chest, wrapping her white knit sweater over her tanned legs and stared out at the crashing waves. I sat down next to her and searched for the words that would make her trust me again. I don’t even know how we got to this place. In another few weeks, I’d be done with college and move back here for good. I had an engagement ring picked out and a solid job in the Ocean County’s sheriff’s department waiting for me. I thought my life was on track and one stupid voicemail could ruin it all.

She’s still staring at the waves when I heard her soft, broken voice. “She said last night was the best night of her life, Dave. She said she cares about you.” She turned and looked at me and my heart splintered with guilt. “She said she’s felt that way for a long time now. So don’t tell me she’s just a friend.” There was a touch of anger in her last word.

I had to make her see. Make her know I’ve never cheated on her. Jess knew me better than that. She really was just a friend. A good friend, and probably one of my best friends at school. I sat in front on Jess and took her hands in mine again. She stared at the sand below, trying to gather her emotions, and be the strong tough Jess she tried to portray to everyone, but I knew she was listening. “She has a boyfriend, he’s a friend of mine Jess. We’re both criminology majors. She’s someone I talk with about our relationship with, because she’s madly in love with her boyfriend too, and can relate to things I’m going through.”

She wasn’t looking up at me, but was still holding onto my hands so I continued, knowing I had to be completely honest. If I lost Jess’s trust, I had nothing. “The other night we were celebrating our last final at a bar by school. We had a few drinks too many and things got a little more personal than it probably should have.” She looked up at me with the saddest look that would make a grown man cry. “Jess that message was from three a.m.. She had an argument with her boyfriend and she was still wasted I’m sure. I hopped on a train home last night after I left the bar to see you and didn’t even know she called. I promise you Jess, there’s never anyone who could take me away from you, and I’d never be stupid enough to do anything to risk what we have.” I tilted her chin up so she had to look at me. “I love you Jess. You’re the pulse that keeps my heart beating. Everything I do is for you.”

“We’re still going to be apart for another year Dave. I have to finish school in the city. Are you going to be able to keep doing this long distance relationship? Maybe we’ve been apart for too long.” Her voice was full of doubt.

“No time apart would ever change the fact that you’re the only person I ever want to be with. No one but you Jess. You’re mine and I’m yours. Always. Whether we’re near or far.” As if it was a sign from God a heart-shaped cloud was looming right above our heads. “Look up Jess.” I pointed at the perfectly shaped cloud. “If that isn’t a sign to give love a chance, I don’t know what is.”

She took in a deep breath and a stoic expression appeared. “I trust you,” she said simply.

I couldn’t help but smile and pulled her into my arms and lay us back onto the cool sand and looked up into the sky. I knew she didn’t want me to say more, so I didn’t tell her who the girl was that left me the message, and never planned to. Tomorrow, I’d break things off with her completely so Jess never doubts me again. I kissed the top of her head thankful we’d built such a strong, trusting relationship. “I love you.”

I could feel her petite body move up and down with every soothing breath she took. I knew we would be having this discussion again in the future, and probably speckled in fights ten years from now, but tonight more than ever I was certain she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The thought of losing her, even for a moment, was something I never wanted to realize, because she’s the one who’s the glue to my heart, not the other way around.

I see Jess on the deck with her friends and am surprised to feel the mix of feelings she has rushing through her. Happiness and sadness mix like a tornado of emotions fighting for dominance. I have no idea how much time has passed since I last saw her or Charlotte, other than noticing that baby David is still an infant. The more time I spend in this sort of limbo, the more I yearn to move on. Heaven must be as magnificent as everyone always has said, because the moments I spend in my memories fill me with such peace and happiness, that I know an eternity of those moments await me on the other side. So I’m ready. I just need Jess to be ready.

Jess and the girls seem to be talking about a date she’s had with Gage and I begin to have hope again that he’ll be the one to help her learn how to live again. Gage is someone I’ve always liked, always trusted, and always respected. He and I had a lot in common, and at times maybe a little too much in common. His relationship with Cassie was much like mine with Jess, and the irony of our fates is not lost on me.

I notice the way Jess’s heart is beating as she sits lost in her thoughts while Kat and Cam gossip back and forth about Gage. I always knew that Jess and I had something very special between us. We never took each other for granted and shared a love that was honest and true. Neither of us held back with each other, so nothing ever simmered inside us reaching a boiling point in all the years we’ve been together. But I never thought that she’d still feel this fierce loyalty to me after I was gone. It’s like a yoyo in her heart right now, any time she lets herself feel affection for Gage, she pulls those feelings right back into the comfort of my memory. I wish there was some way for me to let her know that I want her to be happy, and how much I want to know she’ll be taken care of, that she’ll be loved. I want someone good in her and Charlotte’s life that will take over the role that was stolen from me far too soon. I put all of my focus on to that one idea, the idea of letting Jess know it’s ok to love again while I watch her curling up in a ball on the chair looking so conflicted.

I’m surprised I have no anger about dying or being murdered. I have no jealousy over Jess finding love again, I only have hope. Hope that we’ll all move on to the places we belong. I’m again taken from my thoughts by the sound of Jess’s laughter and see her with her friends, only this time she feels much lighter. I have no idea what has changed so quickly in her, but the small spark of light that bursts inside her just now makes it feel as if it’s filling a dark spot in the both of us. My love for her is so strong that her happiness is my happiness, and I see a glimmer of the sassy smile I love so much peek through on the side of her lips and want that expression to be the one that will forever live in my memory.

I follow Jess’s gaze up into the sky and notice a heart shaped cloud looming above and fill with relief that maybe, just maybe, I’ll find my peace too.

Jess

O
ne would think that after six months of dating, the butterflies battling away in my stomach when I think of Gage would fade away, but when I see his car pull up, there they are fighting away. I love that he’s taken to coming over right after a long shift, rather than go home these past few months after I told Charlotte that I was dating him. I was relieved when she seemed genuinely happy, but once she met him, she was as hooked as I am. Gage treats her like a delicate princess, and she eats up every second of it. I don’t know if it’s just the pure kindness she has in her to accept him so openly, but I can often find the two of them playing a game or reading together on the deck when I get home from working at the foundation, and it makes me fall a little harder every time. It’s in those moments though, that I wonder if that would be what Dave and Charlotte would be doing if he was alive, and then I put a wall up around my heart a little bit, too afraid to feel the loss I feel for Dave with anyone else again. That’s one reason why we have not “done the nasty” as Cam has put it. She and Kat continue to be shocked that not only have I been able to hold out this long, but that Gage has let me. Gage understands me in ways they don’t. To my friends, I’m the outgoing, blunt one, who’s afraid of no one. But Gage knows that I’ve changed. He doesn’t want me until he can have all of me.