Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale (8 page)

I hoped he meant that he was finally going to kiss me instead of Joey always threatening to, but later would turn out to be something much different. Ready for our sneak attack, I tiptoed around the other side of Cam’s house and made my way silently across her deck, spying her parents in the kitchen together. Mr. Dade merely smiled and laughed when he saw my water gun, and pointed to the side of the house, which confirmed our assumption of their make out time. Right when I got to the side of the deck, Dave and Joey looked absolutely hilarious doing an army crawl with their water guns up to the fence that was right in front of where Cam and Holden sat talking. I held back my laugh when I saw Joey and Dave freeze in horror when Cam look their way. If it wasn’t for Joey’s insistence that they wear camouflage jackets his dad had from one of his movies, she probably would’ve seen them. Luckily something sparked in Holden, and he grabbed Cam and began kissing her, completely unaware of the water works they were about to be drenched in. That was when we made our move. I tried my best to hide the fact that I was about to ruin this whole thing and burst out loud laughing again, and motioned for the guys to attack. I leapt over the fence and began shooting at Holden just as the guys did the same with their aim on Camryn. We had about a good five seconds of absolute frozen desolation, soaking Cam and Holden through, before Holden jumped up with amused determination on his face.

“Someone’s going to get their ass kicked,” he said shaking his head, splattering freezing cold water on Joey who had his gun perfectly aimed at Holden’s head.

Before he knew what was happening, we all instantly began assaulting him with our guns again, making him yell and charge Joey to the ground. I looked at Cam and smiled big. “I won’t shoot you again. Peace?”

She shook her head and laughed. “You win, we’ll come hang with you guys. Let me get changed and then we’ll come over.”

Holden and Joey were still wrestling on the jagged rocks knowing whoever lost would be soaked by the remnants of the gun. And neither wanted that to happen in this cold. I began jumping around doing a karate kick, trying to pretend I was some action hero who had won a battle, when Dave’s face appeared in my view. Before I could stop my body, perhaps because of the alcohol, my gun slammed into his forehead so hard, that I actually think I heard it crack.

I panicked. Totally and completely panicked at the sight of all that blood spilling over his beautiful eyes. I took him in my arms and forced him to lay on the stones and Joey ran up and placed his jacket on the wound before I could even think to do something like that. Cam ran inside to get her dad, and all I could do is cry with Dave in my lap, worried I had just killed him. But Dave just smiled up at me. “Jess, I’m fine. Look…” He waved his arms around and lifted his feet off the ground. When he lowered his arms, he let one slide slowly down my back and rest at my waist and gave it a squeeze that made my insides clench in the best way. His eyes became soft. “You coming with me to get stitched up?”

I ran my fingers through his hair, and smiled back at him, wishing so much that he was mine. “I kind of have to, it’s my fault.” I tried to hide my affection.

A knowing smiled curled on his lips. “Is that the only reason?”

I flicked his hand as hard as I could, still not wanting him to know how much I wanted him to be mine. “You’re my best friend. I’ll always be here for you.”

My story is interrupted with a loud, distinguishable beep that makes the world around me crumble into a million sharp pieces that cuts through every cell in my body. It’s so loud and unending, that it feels as if the nerves of my ear drums are being splintered apart at the same moment as my heart. People come rushing in, pulling me away from Dave, my life is slipping away with his when they pull my fingers away from his and a woman ushers me aside. Thankfully someone stops the machine that’s screaming at me that says my husband is no longer breathing, but that doesn’t contain the fear that’s overwhelming me right now. I stand outside Dave’s room, with people running in and out, but I can’t seem to make sense of any of it. Hands touch my shoulders, and it’s a man with the eyes so sad, it’s like I’m looking in the mirror. It’s Dr. Scott, but he’s dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. He says something, but I don’t know what. I can’t think of anything right now but that fucking DNR order. I walk to the doorway and watch as Dr. Scott removes the breathing tube from Dave, somehow knowing I’m there, and looks back at me with regret. When a nurse tries to stop me when I begin walking to Dave’s side, Dr. Scott stops her. They all step aside and make room for me to be with my husband one last time. I’m in shock I think, because my heart is racing, but I don’t feel alive. I look up at Dr. Scott. “Is he dying?”

His face is defeated and I don’t need to hear the words of confirmation that follow. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Bosi.”

I close my eyes, trying to make myself disappear, praying that this is all a nightmare and the love of my life wasn’t just ripped away from me. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself enough to see his last few moments, knowing this will most likely be the last time I’m able to hold him and don’t want to waste a moment of that time in my grief. I open my eyes to see Dave laying in front of me, looking so peaceful, so handsome actually. His beautiful eyes that were always so full of life are closed, and I suppose it is better I don’t know what death looks like in them. I brush my hand across his stubbly jaw and bring my lips to his. I will forever remember how perfect his lips feel against mine with our last kiss, and keep that memory locked away for the rest of my life.

Dave

W
atching Jess kiss me and not being able to feel it, is the hardest part of dying. As Jess is telling me the story about how she gave me the scar on my head, the memory of how adorable she was that night fills me with such peace, I knew it was time to let go. I need Jess to be happy and feel carefree joy like that again, and the longer I hold on like this, the longer she’ll be tormented with worry and fear. My body is destroyed, I can feel death in every cell with each breath this damn machine wedged down my throat is forcing me to take. The only reason my body is still working is because of all these machines, and that’s not how I want to live. That’s not how I want Jess to live with me. I have no doubt that my time has run short here, and while I wish more than anything in the world that I could have more time with Charlotte and Jess, it’s not my choice to make. My body is not mine anymore. I can’t take it back, and there’s no saving me from the untimely death that’s hovering over me like an ominous cloud.

I see her kiss my lips, and wish I could let her know that I’m ok-- that more than anything I need her to be ok. I’ve never really worried about Jess because she’s such a strong person in so many ways, but I also know that I was a large part of her confidence. I told her all the time that it was she who made me stronger, but watching the heartbreak and devastation on her face fills me with such debilitating concern, that when I feel my body drifting to the peaceful oasis that I know is waiting for me on the other side, I try to stay close to her, as if our hearts are still tethered together.

I feel no pain other than that in my heart when I die. Regret swarms me like an unescapable infestation that I put myself in a position that left my family alone without me. I’ve wanted to be a police officer since I was a kid, it was in my blood. I looked up to my dad and grandpa like they were Gods growing up. The way others in the community respected them always filled me with pride, and when they wore their light brown uniforms, with tall, imposing hats, that might have as well been Superman costumes, because to me, they were the real deal—better than any pretend comic book hero would ever be to me. Jess never questioned my decision to join the force instead of going to Wall Street or going to law school like Holden. She was as proud to watch me become an officer as I was to be one.

I realize time passes differently when you’re no longer living because in the moment I let my thoughts focus away from the action in my hospital room and come back to Jess, it’s much later than when she kissed me goodbye. She’s alone with my body that is no longer hooked up to machines, and the feeling I have seeing her standing next to my empty body is inexplicable. First, I’m filled a strong need to leave. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I should be in Heaven or where ever you go after death. I have a strong, undeniable sense I’m not supposed to still be seeing all of this. That uneasiness is instantly replaced with understanding of why I’m still here. I can’t leave Jess yet. I don’t know how or why I’m able to be with her, but only that she still needs me, my job here isn’t done. Watching her at my side, telling me everything she’s going to do to make sure the whole Garden State knows how much I’m loved, I’m struck with awe at Jess’s determination. Her long curly blonde hair is hanging over her shoulders, partially covering her tear stained face.

“I love you, Sweet Thing.” I can’t help myself when the words come out and am instantly filled with regret that she won’t ever hear me tell her that again.

Just then, Jess’s head pops up and she brushes the stands of her hair from her face, looking around the room with a bewildered expression. Part of me thinks for a moment that she heard me, that we’re so connected that she can even hear me in death. But that isn’t the case. Gage walks into the room carrying a large bag looking completely wrecked. I know how hard he tried to save me, even though he probably knew before he started the operation that there was nothing left to save. He knows the pain Jess is feeling right now and all I can do is hope he doesn’t blame himself for not be able to save me for her. When she turns and sees him, I see the spark that has always been in her eyes is gone, now her magnetic blue eyes are weighed down with anguish.

“Mrs. Bosi, I’m sorry to interrupt.” He walks to her side and looks down at my body.

“Please call me Jess.” Tears are in her eyes and she takes my hand and rubs the place where my wedding ring used to be. “Wait, no, call me Mrs. Bosi. I don’t ever want to be anything but Mrs. Bosi.”

His empathy evident, he nods and continues, “I’m sorry to say this, but they need to take him now. I have the items he came in with. Would you like them now or would you like me to send them?”

She takes the bag. “Thanks,” and turns back to me. “I don’t want to leave him. It’ll be too real if I leave. I’ll never hold his hand again. Never kiss him. Never feel his big arms around me again. Do you know how good that feels?
Do you?
If I leave right now, I’ll never, ever see him again.” She’s sobbing over my body now with her head pressed against my chest, clutching at my hospital gown and I just about die all over again.

My beautiful, strong Jess is falling apart before me and there’s nothing I can do, nothing I can say, to take away her agony right now. Watching this is making me feel more and more like I’m in some sort of hell. Gage walks up to her, placing a hand on her back before setting the bag down at the foot of my bed, and speaks in a hushed voice, clearly trying to compose how much seeing her like this is affecting him. I’m sure it’s taking him right back to the death of his wife, and I begin to feel his sadness inside me. “You’re right, you’re not ever going to be able to touch him again, and that will suck. Some days it will seem like the worst thing in the entire world. And you’ll miss everything about him. Some days will be easier than others, and the grief will hit you like a tidal wave when you least expect it. I’m not going to stand here and lie to you, because you deserve better than that.” She looks up at him with a mixture of shock and relief at his honesty as he continues, “But you still have to say goodbye. Be glad you have this time to say goodbye, it’s the one thing that keeps me going each day.”

She nods to him and turns back to me, and brushes my hair off my forehead like she always has and smiles the most heartbreaking, sad smile I’ve ever seen. “You’re such a motherfucker for leaving me.” She bends over and kisses the scar on my forehead. “But you’re a hero, and I’m so proud of you. Thank you for showing me what love is.” She kisses my head one more time and stands up, holding my hand. I wish I could feel her skin on mine one more time. I wish I could smell the warm vanilla scent that always follows her. She lifts the limp hand that no longer belongs to me in her hand and kisses it. “I’ll always love you Dave Bosi. Always.” The way she says the words leave no doubt of their truth.