Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale (17 page)

He flicked my nose. “Your lips huh?” He licked his lips, and I swear it took every inch of self-control not to jump on top of him and find out his favorite place to be kissed. “You’ve left that innuendo wide open, no pun intended.” I melted when he shook his head, seemingly having fun playing this game with me.

“My turn.” I said rolling onto my back again, continuing to try and pretend he didn’t have such a carnal effect on me. “Same question to you. Where’s your favorite place to be kissed?” I turned my head towards him and lifted up my glasses above my eyes. “On your body.” I smirked and dropped my glasses back on and stared at the waves waiting for his answer, trying to act like it really didn’t matter, when all I was doing was waiting for it so that I could spend the rest of the day daydreaming about kissing him there.

He didn’t flinch and I could still see the mischievous smile playing on his lips out of the corner of my eye. “It depends. Nothing is better than a deep kiss on the mouth, but if you want to seduce me…neck.” He sat up and rested his arms on his knees. “Just in case you ever decide you want to seduce me, that is.”

I laughed. “Just in case, huh?”

Gage sat there silent for a moment staring out to the ocean and I wondered if I missed something. He finally turned back to me, his face more serious. “Want to take a dip?”

“Um…Sure…” Before I could finish my sentence, he had me swept up into his arms and started walking towards the waves. I slid one of my arms around his shoulders and leaned my head back trying to act like the fact that his hand was scarcely close to my breast wasn’t making my insides burn. “You know, I think I might have to demand that everyone carry me to the water this way from now on. The sand is scorching.”

He just smiled and nodded his head, still holding on to me as he hopped over the first set of waves crashing at his knees. I instinctively wrapped my other arm around his neck and buried my face into his chest blocking myself from the spray of the ocean waves. The sweet smell of his sweat mixed with sunblock was intoxicating, and I realized I had to get out of his arms before I did something stupid when I had an uncontrollable desire to kiss his chest. “Alright, put me down now.” I tapped on his chest and made the mistake of looking up into his eyes just when another wave crashed at our waist. He placed me down, never breaking our gaze. My heart was racing because what was happening was something much different than has been happening all day, this was more than just innocent flirting. His look was like the one he had the other night, only this time, he was stone sober, and so was I.

He reached up swept my hair back, cupping the side of my face with his hands. “We’re in the ocean…” His voice was filled with desire making my breath hitch. “And I’d really like to kiss you on your favorite place.” A smile played at the corner of his mouth and I didn’t know if I actually answered or nodded my head in agreement, because I couldn’t take my eyes off his full lips until they met mine, and this time, he was not holding back. He took one of his hands and pulled me close to him, bracing my body against his as the waves crashed against us, and the other was still cupping my face. I didn’t think, but responded to his kiss with need, swiping my tongue across his lips begging for him to let me in. He let out a moan and pulled me down into the water so that the waves were splashing up towards our faces.

“I think I have a new favorite place to kiss,” he said smiling, then suddenly concern swept across his face. He took my hands in his, but put some distance between us. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s ok. It was nice,” I said smiling trying to ease his concern. Just hours before we had talked about my difficulty with moving on and how I really needed to take things slow if we decided to spend more time together. I splashed some water up at his face. “Still my favorite place to be kissed.”

We spent the rest of the time swimming in the water and continuing our questions, some steamy, some innocent, but he didn’t kiss me again, and I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed. I know my vajayjay was sure disappointed.

Once Gage is out of sight, I realize I’m holding my breath and know I’m smitten, and it makes me smile a real smile. I turn to go shower before picking up Charlotte from school so that I’ll be ready for dinner at Cam’s later and get to spend the afternoon with my little girl. When I get to my bathroom, I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, and hardly recognize myself. I look happy, and I know it’s all because of Gage and how he makes me feel. Just as soon as I begin to turn all giddy about my new crush, my gaze falls on a picture of me and Dave on the nightstand, and I feel conflicted. I know I’m not actually cheating on him, I know it’s perfectly acceptable to have feelings for someone like Gage, and is quite honestly impossible not to. But my heart still belongs to Dave, and I don’t know if that will ever change. I wonder if it’s fair to Gage to flirt with the idea of more with him when I’m feeling this way. I stare at my face, noticing the new lines along my forehead and eyes from worry, and decide right then that I need to give this a try. Like Dave said in his letter, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. I feel more myself today then I have since the day Dave died. I don’t need to just “be here” for Charlotte in body, but I need to
be here
for her all the way, and I feel more alive today than I have since
before
.

When I arrive in front of Charlotte’s school, I see Cam and run over to her, surprised to see her out and about with the baby. “How’s my little man?” I lean down and kiss DJ on his forehead as he sleeps peacefully. “Do you keep this kid drugged or what? He’s always asleep.”

“He’s freaking nocturnal, Jess. It’s killing me.” I roll my eyes at her because I know Holden is up with DJ at night as much as she is. He insists on having an equal experience and it honestly makes me want to throw up. Cam pulls the visor back down over DJ and turns to me with an accusing look. “The kids will be out soon, so let’s get to it. What. Happened. With. Gage? You look all glowy and happy, and he got all weird when I saw him at the coffee shop and told him we weren’t hanging anymore. I gave him your address…you’re welcome…and invited him to dinner…your welcome. So did my plan work?”

“You can’t take total credit for us having an unbelievable day together at the beach and for having an earth shattering kiss.” Sarcasm drips from me.

“What the what? Details, now!” Before I can even begin, Charlotte and Sophie come running up to us, with Ellie trailing behind. Cam looks at me and points her finger. “Tonight, we are sneaking away and you’re telling me everything.” She leans into me whispering so the girls don’t hear. “Are you two a thing now?”

I look at her in shock. I hadn’t really thought about anything like that, and we certainly didn’t discuss it. We just agreed to get to know each other, and the thought of being anything more than a friend, who possibly makes out every now and then, is about as far as my brain can process right now. “No…just friends.” Right when I say it, I know I want more--and so does Cam.

“Uh huh.” She laughs and makes the mistake by turning to push the stroller, leaving herself wide open for me to smack her ass. The smack happened to be perfect and makes even me jump. I feel bad, for a second, but she only laughs. “Don’t be late.”

My light, blissful mood comes crashing down when I notice the tears in Charlotte’s eyes. “Hey baby, what’s wrong?”

She crosses her arms across her chest and begins fiddling with her St. Michael necklace turning to head to the car. Charlotte is quiet like Dave, and I know she wants me to give her time to settle in and focus her thoughts before sharing them with me. Dave was always so good at subtly breaking her down and now it’s my turn, so I decide to do things my way and wait for the right moment, and instead make small talk.

“So, we are going to your Aunt Cam’s tonight for dinner, do you want to bring Frozen and watch it with Sophie and Ellie?”

“Sure,” she answers meekly and continues to stare out the window, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Uncle Holden is making your favorite tonight, ribs and corn on the cob.” I try to sound excited, and pretend I don’t notice her indignant demeanor when she simply shrugs. “Sophie and Ellie can sleep over tonight if you want too.” Man, I’m sinking like a ship from the daggers she sends my way.

“Mom. Stop.”

I pull into our driveway and before I can prod at her anymore, she hops out of the car before I even turn off the ignition and runs into the house. I take a few deep breaths before going in and try to maintain a calm interaction with my daughter rather than snap at her for being so disrespectful to me. It’s one thing to be upset, but she doesn’t need to be rude.
Crap, Dave was so much better than me at this.
I look up at the clear blue sky and silently pray for Dave to help me get through to her. I smile a little to myself imagining him looking down on us. I fiddle with the star on the bracelet Dave gave me when he proposed and remember his wish for me that day and walk in the house determined to break through with Charlotte.

“Charlotte?” I go to the stairs and call for her again, “Char? Are you up there?”

She comes walking down the hallway with her arms crossed around her tiny chest still fidgeting with Dave’s necklace, trying not to look at me.

“Charlotte?” I grab her arm when she tries to walk past me. “You are not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is wrong with you?”
So much for taking a calm approach.

She flashes me a venomous look, but then softens and begins to cry. I take her in my arms and walk her over to the couch, letting her crumble in my arms. Charlotte never cries. Never. She is just so much like Dave in that way, always holding feelings in rather than spewing them to the world like me. When Dave died, she cried only when she saw his body, but never again in front of me before the other day and her sudden emotional state these past few days is beginning to worry me.

“What happened Char? You can tell me anything, Sweet Thing.” I use Dave’s term of endearment and kiss the top of her head wanting to do anything to make her pain disappear.

“Nothing, you won’t understand.” Her voice is a whisper.

“Maybe I won’t, but I can try.” I’d do anything to make her happy.

She sniffles and wipes her tears away and begins twisting the bottom of her yellow sundress. “It’s just that everyone always likes Sophie the most.”

I already know where this is going, and boy can I relate. “Everyone always likes you too honey. You’re smart, and loyal, and kind.”

“Ugh, mom, you just named all the reasons why I’m a dork.”

“First of all, dorks are cool and they make all the money. Second, you are a beautiful dork with a ton of friends. I should know, I had to pay for all of them to go to Bibbity Bobbity Boutique for your birthday.”

“Mom! You just admitted I’m a dork.” She can’t help but giggle a little. “You are the worst mom ever!” She playfully hits my arm and sits up and looks up at me seriously. “Cody likes her, but I want him to like me. He always asks her to play handball.”

Relief washes over me that at least she’s only jealous about handball. “Charlotte, you’re still so young, and there will be hundreds of other boys who you’ll want to play handball with in the future. I know it hurts now, but soon enough, there’ll be another boy who will grab your attention, and you’ll wonder what you ever liked about Cody in the first place.”

“Did you like Daddy when you first met?”

I have to pause before answering, knowing anything I tie to his name will be remembered forever by her. “When I first met your dad, we were just kids. I liked him from the first second I saw him and I’ve loved him just about as long as that.” I kiss her head, trying not to choke up and play with my bracelet again. “Your Daddy didn’t always like me though, and we both had other people that we liked along the way too. There’s plenty of time to find your “someone special” and I have no doubt Cody or someone better will be asking you to play handball any day. For now, go play four square. Remember, you have to look for the butterflies and rainbows, and sometimes it takes longer for them to appear.”

She smiles up at me. “I’ll look for butterflies and rainbows if you promise to too. I miss Daddy so much too, but he said he wants you to be happy, and you aren’t.”

My heart sinks realizing that she can see through my forced smiles. “Crap, when did you become so grown up? First boy troubles, now calling out your own mom.” I laugh when she rolls her eyes at me. “Alright, deal. Only rainbows and butterflies for the both of us from now on.”

“Oh and one more thing mom.” She looks up at me. “You probably shouldn’t say crap and stuff like that around me so much…I’m just a kid.”

“Now that’s asking a little too much.” I kiss her again and both of us laugh.

“Ok, thanks Mom, I feel a lot better. I think I’m ready for some ribs now.”

Just like that she’s up with a smile on her face and skipping out of the room. I wonder if PMS is already beginning, but I push that thought out of my head because there’s no way my baby is starting that crap yet. Maybe she is just more like me than I want to admit
. Lord help me.