Why Men Love Bitches (29 page)

It’s sexy to be able to banter because humor suggests you’re an independent thinker. Not only can you think for yourself, but you can laugh at what you see happening around you. If you verbally play-fight with him a little, it’s unlikely that he will perceive you as needy.

When he teases you, it’s as if he is asking you, “Still got that edge?” Your sense of humor answers him and lets him know that he isn’t always going to call the shots.

Here’s a case in point. A girlfriend of mine went on a couple of dates with a guy who criticized the color of her nail polish. She said, “The suggestion department is closed for the evening. But fax your idea tomorrow and we’ll file it right over there in the suggestion box.” (Then she pointed to the kitchen trash.) These two are still together and he is absolutely crazy about her. To this day, she wears the same nail polish color.

Humor not only defuses a situation, it also makes you come out smelling like a rose. Tom Hanks exemplified this in an interview with Barbara Walters. Paraphrasing what she said, “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, Tom, but you aren’t considered a sex symbol.” He said, “Yeah, but I embrace that. And I think that makes me kinda sexy.” He could have chosen to become defensive. Instead he was disarming.

If you don’t become defensive and you laugh things off from time to time, he’ll respect you more. This is when you show whether you believe in yourself. For example, he may make fun of the way you parked your car. This kind of joking makes him feel manly. A relaxed aura from a woman who can laugh at herself turns him on because he thinks she’ll be entertaining and fun.

It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a potato sack. A feisty quality will do it for him more than a black nightie on a woman who behaves as though she is desperate for approval. (Yes, even if you’re wearing the thigh highs that cut off your circulation and practically cause you to lose a limb.)

Successful politicians are coached on how to use humor to win people over and show confidence. When Ronald Reagan ran for president, he was asked in a debate about the detriment of being the oldest candidate to ever run for the highest office. His response was “I refuse to exploit for my political gain the
youth and inexperience
of my opponent.”

In a relationship with a man, whenever you want to keep him on his toes, banter with him. If he says something a little out of line, just say, “We’ll let that one slide.” Or, “Why do I put up with this?” Or ask him if he wants one broken leg or two…

One woman I know named Darla dated a man who made a complete mess every time he came over. They also had a good sex life. He made a pass at Darla and she playfully snubbed him. Then she walked over to the sink and started doing all his dishes. She said jokingly, “The more time I spend doing dishes, the less time we spend doing ‘the deed’.” Suddenly, the happy helper started pitching in.

The man in your life watches you. He watches to see how you stand your ground. He watches to see how you respond when he teases you and when you receive criticism from him or someone else. He’ll test the waters, because he wants to see how you fight back. He wants to see if you can
hold your own.

And while we’re on the subject of humor, let us now focus our attentions on the word
bitch.
If that fateful day ever does arrive when he tells you that you are a bitch? Stop, and take a deep breath. Then enjoy the moment. Smile internally as you say to yourself, “Okay. Now I know he
truly
does love me.”

Maybe this is why women blame themselves for everything. I’ve lost count of how many times I have heard from women, “I keep screwing up my relationships. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.” They get the mental analysis from the boyfriend (the self-appointed therapist) and before long, she’s second-guessing herself. “He tells me I am acting crazy. And that I’m not normal. I feel like I’m a little crazy.” Then she picks up a two-by-four and beats herself with it. Over and over.

Confident women laugh when they receive ridiculous feedback. If a man were to tell a bitch she was “a little crazy,” she would tell him to count his blessings. “That’s true, and you are so lucky that I’m a little bit crazy. It could have been much worse because most other bitches are completely psychotic. No telling what they would be capable of doing to you.…”

When a woman can laugh at herself, doesn’t take these things personally, and has control over her emotions, she seems more “stable,” safe, and trustworthy. Now the guy thinks there is a better chance of things working out.

This chapter is designed to help the woman who is nice to everyone…except herself. She believes everything negative that happens to her is
her own fault
. To help you control your emotions (or, as men say, “remain in charge of your hormones”) it might help to read what other women are experiencing. The following dating scenario might sound familiar…

Let’s go back to that “romantic and wonderful” beginning because this is where the miscommunication started. In the beginning, when a man first meets you, you have to understand—the majority of men see a woman as a hump-toy. It’s not that men don’t eventually fall in love, because they do. But that happens
later
. Even when you see a man who is married, with a minivan, and a Baby-Bjorn hammock and a newborn swinging off his back…that was not what he set out to achieve. At first, the game-plan was to get the woman’s clothes off. He’s a red-blooded creature with plenty of testosterone. And because of
his hormones
…he only has three emotions:

• Crabby
  
• Hungry
  
• Horny
  

Therefore, anything he says in the beginning is said most likely to get the desired result: throw-down in the bedroom. It’s verbal foreplay. You wear perfume…he opens the car door…you tell him you’ve only had three lovers in your whole entire life (with a straight face)…and he tells you he is looking for a relationship and you have all the qualities the other women didn’t have. It’s a sales pitch.

Here is an analogy. Think of him the way you would a trained animal performing tricks in front of a live audience. Like a seal, or a sea otter at Sea World. When a seal balances a beachball on the end of its nose, he’s not trying to demonstrate how well-coordinated he is. And the seal isn’t doing the tricks to impress the audience. He’s doing it for one reason only: to get a salmon. Same goes for men: If he buys dinner and sends flowers, he’s balancing a ball on his nose. Some men do it better than others…and some seals can even clap three times while the ball is on their nose. But it’s all being done for the same reason: to get a reward. If he wants to get the “treat,” he has to do the “trick.”

Women say, “I refuse to sleep with a guy who is not interested in a serious relationship.” That’s ammo for him to use against you. If he saw one episode of
Sex and the City
, he knows that using key phrases about “love and commitment” is a one-way ticket to the bedroom. Men watch that stuff to learn what women want to hear, so they can promise those things. One man named Bradley explained: “Men say very little and women ‘grab onto it.’ A guy could just be making a simple statement and next thing you know she thinks her dreams are coming true.” Men believe that women mislead themselves. He puts ideas in your head, and you do all the rest. As Bradley put it, “Women are in love before they even meet the guy.” Now, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, adore you, and think you are the sexiest thing in his eyes. What it means is that to keep the sex coming, men will mislead you about their level of intended involvement, long-term.

In the beginning, all it takes is a
hint of indifference
. If a man can’t tell where you’re coming from (completely) and doesn’t have assurances of what you want, he respects you more and treats you better. This hooks him because he doesn’t have the “pull” he’s used to having.

Here’s how. You have to be able to sit next to a man while hugging and kissing…and at the same you have to
keep yourself emotionally ten feet away
. Even if you are sitting
in
his lap, your heart has to stay locked in the trunk of your car—next to the spare tire. You can be warm and affectionate. But stop telling yourself “He is the one!” And stop rationalizing, “He is different. He makes me feel something I haven’t felt in years.” Instead, you have to think: “I’m willing to learn more. I’m enjoying myself, but if it doesn’t work out, there are other ducks on the pond.”

Most women start off on “tilt” because they show they care
too
much
too
soon. Soon after, she’s freefalling (by herself) after which he makes the following observation: “She is not in control of her emotions.” Or as one man named Connor explained, “When I meet a woman and take her out a few times, I’m wondering, ‘Who is in control? Her…or her emotions?’” If it’s your emotions, you will be at his mercy. It’s a guy thing. They learn very early that showing too much emotion is the same as showing weakness. They respect women who are strong. So you have to keep watch on how much emotion you show.

Therefore:

Men think that if you are deeply attached right away and no longer in charge of yourself emotionally, you will
tolerate almost anything
(only to cry about it later). And you’ll even make excuses. “He really is busy with work” or “He just got out of a relationship.” A man is more inclined to treat a woman like a sex toy or trophy when she lacks emotional self-control and buys the B.S. That’s when he rides the horsey…without putting a quarter in the meter.

In other words, he’ll continue to see her, but whenever it’s convenient for him. When a woman becomes too attached too soon
because of her emotions
…or shows signs she’s not in control after sex
because of her emotions
…or expects a fairy-tale happy ending
because of her emotions
…she is putting herself on the dinner table.

Conversely: When she is less tolerant and has her wits about her, she’ll call him out when he attempts to “condition” her to receive less. The first time he tries to come over late at night, he gets intercepted at the door. “Don’t call me five minutes before you want to see me. Although I am deeply touched that you decided to shove me into your busy schedule, please give me a bit more notice next time.” Then her stock goes up.