Why Men Love Bitches (27 page)

The first thing a woman has to do to get that sexy “spark” back is to
shift her focus and energy back onto herself
. She has to develop interests outside her man, just as she did when he was new in her life. Men often find a woman who has passionate interests and activities of her own to be more exciting. They don’t have to be things he’s interested in necessarily, just as long she has
interests of her own
.

The story that follows proves my point. Rob, an attractive, successful man who could have his pick of any woman he wanted, was mystified by a most unlikely woman. He describes Laura as a “conservative computer nerd” who wears long pleated skirts. After a few dates, he invited her to go on a cruise. Rob wasn’t lacking in the confidence department, and he thought he’d teach Laura how to have fun. He thought he’d “rock her world.” Laura said she couldn’t go. The reason? She had a preplanned Tupperware party.

Rob told what happened next: “I kept hoping she’d change her mind. I ended up going on the cruise by myself and ended up flying home after one day to see what she was up to. A Tupperware party? It couldn’t be. I simply could not believe that she’d pass on an exotic vacation with
me
for a Tupperware party. I figured she had to be seeing some other man. I had to see for myself.”

He flew home and dropped by that Saturday evening when Laura’s party was supposed to be going on. Sure enough, lo and behold, he was dumbfounded and astonished to find that she was actually having a Tupperware party.

When he showed up, Laura was happy to see him. She invited him in and offered him a finger sandwich. Rob could have just as easily been eating spiny lobster or exotic seafood en route to the Bahamas at that very moment with
any woman
he wanted. Instead, he was nibbling on a soggy little tuna sandwich with a toothpick in it. He could have been watching a world-class Vegas-style show, instead the highlighted entertainment on the agenda was Tupperware containers: Gingerbread-shaped ones, star-shaped ones, and even heart-shaped ones.

Rob still remembers it with disbelief. “There I am listening to a bunch of cackling women, watching them go awol over some plastic bowls. I drank coffee in a fancy teacup with a teeny tiny spoon. I could not believe it. I was thinking, ‘No. This cannot be so. I don’t hold a candle to a this?’”

Was Laura being mean? Not at all. She just didn’t go down the beaten path of giving up her own interests in exchange for something he thought would be better. What blew Rob’s mind was that her activity meant more to her than the cruise or being with him. He said, “From that point on, she had my full attention.” And the unlikely couple became a hot item.

Rob had put on his best “mack-daddy” show-stopping routine, and Laura
wasn’t that impressed
. Unlike the bitchier woman, the nice girl will often appear easily impressed. She’ll make her desire to have a relationship much too obvious, which often
invites
mistreatment.

“Getting a life” will make it seem like you are no longer impetuous, or impatient. When you are relaxed, you’ve taken the “need” out of the equation. You no longer appear needy, which immediately changes the dynamic of a stale relationship.

If you want to renew the challenge, it is imperative to
continue the activities you did before he came on the scene
. He’ll notice the very first time you tell him that you can’t see him because of something else you have planned. It will catch him off guard—and it will fester.

It really throws men off if the activity appears to be something mundane. In the previous example, it was a Tupperware party; but anything along the lines of knitting, gardening, or pottery will do the trick. Rest assured, his ego won’t let him lose out to a sweater, a potted plant, or a mound of clay.

No matter what you choose, as long as you are passionate about something
other than him
, it will draw him back in. Guaranteed. He’ll be asking himself the same question he asked himself in the first weeks of dating you. “How could she want to do that, when she could be with me?”

When you will not drop everything to be with him, you’ll appear as though you have more going for you. This will remind him of your worth, and invariably, he will begin to come your way.

As Harry Truman said, “If you can’t convince ’em, confuse ’em.” How? By altering the pattern completely. Give no attitude and no complaints. Instead of seeing him regularly, make the schedule
random
.
Random
means he shouldn’t be able to predict like clockwork when he’ll see you next or when he’ll hear from you next.

This applies to whether you are dating or married. If you need to renew the mental challenge, alter the pattern. Whenever he seems complacent, just alter the pattern. Single women often make plans based on when the man calls. Married women often wait for a man to come home from work. And single and married women alike regularly wait by the phone for a call.

Tracy is a woman who benefited from altering the pattern in her marriage. She used to feel as though her husband, Allen, took her for granted when he would travel out of town on business. Tracy used to wait for Allen’s long-distance call every night, even if it meant giving up her own plans to do so. Predictably, Allen started to behave as if calling her was a chore, as though he was “checking in.” Or punching a clock. He’d call around 7:30 
P.M.
and then rush her off the phone so he could go out for drinks with his colleagues.

Girlfriend decided to rock the boat. How? By staying just outside his reach. When he went on his next business trip, she drove him to the airport and didn’t say, “Call me when you get there.” For the entire trip, half the time she was there when he called; the other half she couldn’t be reached. She was out visiting some girlfriends she hadn’t seen in awhile, and didn’t rush home to wait for his call.

The first evening that Tracy didn’t wait for his call, Allen flipped. His whole orientation changed immediately. He called at 7:30
P.M.
and virtually every half-hour after that until 10:30
P.M.
He went out, had
half
a drink, and then went right back to his room to call his wife again. Tracy walked in at 10:59; the phone rang at 11:01.

Whereas before it was a chore, now Allen was happy to reach her. She was happy, too, especially when she looked down at the answering machine and saw that it was flashing a big red
9.
(Six messages from him, and three mysterious hang-ups.) And everyone went to bed happy.

Suddenly Allen missed Tracy. Why? Because she had a life of her own outside of their relationship.

Never stop living your life. Take a class. Develop a hobby. Meet people. You are only as interesting as the depths of your
own
interests.

The mere fact that you are content with your life keeps you interesting. You are happy with him or without him and this keeps you…just outside his reach.

A textbook example is Ellen, a married woman who felt taken for granted. She regularly cooks dinner for her husband, Sydney, and their two kids. Sydney was the only one working, and he frequently stayed late at the office. Usually he didn’t show up for dinner. What upset her most, however, was that Sydney would leave her guessing about his dinner plans, and didn’t call if he was running very late. Sometimes she’d reheat his plate three times before he got home.

She had formed a pattern of saying, “The kids need to see you at the dinner table, Sydney.” But night after night, she found herself reheating his dinner, long after their kids had gone to bed.

Ellen, like many nice girls, was too tolerant. The bitch, on the other hand, would rearrange the dinner agenda. She would
alter the routine.
In a nice quiet moment, she’d look at her husband and casually say, “Hey sweetie, I can see you aren’t going to be home during the week. So, I’m not going to bother to cook for you. If there are leftovers from the kids, I’ll put them in the fridge. But it may be better if you picked something up on the way home.”

For a few nights he’d pick up some food on the way home. The first night he’d grab some Kentucky Fried Chicken, perhaps. The second night he’d upgrade to a deli. And after the cold pastrami sandwich from the corner deli, he’d have a little Alka-Seltzer to help with the heartburn. It wouldn’t be long before he’d be coming home for a home-cooked meal,
happily
. And sliding into home…right on time.

Another woman named Sandy told me about how she felt taken for granted when she was on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor, after she had cooked for her husband, Wade. He had just started eating and then he came over to her and said, “It is really inconsiderate of you to clean the floor right now. That stuff stinks. Could you please wait until I’m finished eating?” She resisted the urge to strangle him.

For the rest of the week, Sandy backed off. She spoke to him very superficially and became aloof. He had to ask her, “What’s wrong?” a dozen times before she addressed what was on her mind. She went from “worker bee” to “queen bee” in just a few short days.

First stop on Sandy’s agenda? A maid. She absolutely insisted on it. Then she addressed some table etiquette. Wade often started eating without her and got up before she ever sat down. She said she didn’t cook for two, so that she could eat alone. She also suggested going out to eat sometimes, even if it was to a less expensive place. Then she stuck to her guns. Not only do they now have a maid, they also have “date night” once a week.