What You Really Really Want (38 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Dive In:
Make a list of three to five family members or friends whose attitudes toward sexuality negatively impact you. Write down how they behave, what they believe or say that hurts you, and how you wish
it could be different. Be as specific as you can. Now, circle the name of the person who seems most likely to be open to finding out how they're impacting you. Using the role-playing options from chapter 7, role-play a conversation with the person about what's bothering youâtheir false assumptions about your sexuality, the way their behavior toward other women affects you, their controlling behaviorâwhatever it is. But before you start, review the strategies in chapter 7 for helping yourself initiate a difficult conversation, and think about what outcome would be satisfying to you and what outcomes would be acceptable. Write those down, too. Remember to use the Nice Person Test: Tell them about it the way you'd want to hear about it if you were hurting them but didn't know you were. Let them know you value the relationship and you trust their intentions, which is why this conversation is important. Use a shit sandwich if it helps.
HOW TO TALK TO KIDS
Your friends and family may be flawlessly supportive about your sexuality. If so, congratsâyou're really lucky. Because odds are, your friends and family were also raised in a toxic sexual culture and have developed any number of responses to it, some of which may be in direct opposition to what you believe or how you want to live. They may judge you or lecture youâthey may even believe they're doing it for your own good. Some of them, while meaning well, may violate your physical boundaries with unwelcome hugs, uncomfortable kisses, and other intrusions. And, sadly, some of them may not mean well and may instead be emotionally or physically abusive, or may have abused you in the past.
You already have the skills you need to set boundaries with your friends and family. You learned boundary-setting skills in chapter 4, and they apply here as well. What you may not have is the belief that it's okay to tell your loved ones to stop harming you.
Reread your definition of love that you wrote in chapter 5, and then think about that sentence for a moment. Using your definition of love, would someone who loves you want to harm you? That's ultimately for you to decide, but my opinion on the matter is clear: no. Of course we all accidentally hurt each other sometimes, no matter how much we love each other. But if “love” is a verb, as I believe it is, then someone who really loves you will want to know that they've hurt you, so they can make it up to you and avoid it in the future, if at all possible.
What I'm proposing here is that a version of the Nice Person Test is the best way to approach your friends and family, too.
If someone who's supposed to love you is hurting you, either directly hurting your feelings or violating your physical boundaries, or inadvertently hurting you by pushing the Terrible Trio on you, put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself: If I was doing this to someone I love, would I want to know about it? I'm guessing you would. So act as though that's true in this case as well. Tell them, respectfully, clearly, and lovingly, what bothers you about their behavior. Then pay attention to what you can learn from their response.
If someone who's supposed to love you is hurting you, either directly hurting your feelings or violating your physical boundaries, or inadvertently hurting you by pushing the Terrible Trio on you, put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself: If I was doing this to someone I love, would I want to know about it? I'm guessing you would. So act as though that's true in this case as well. Tell them, respectfully, clearly, and lovingly, what bothers you about their behavior. Then pay attention to what you can learn from their response.
This is tricky stuff emotionally. I don't mean to suggest that it's easy. I don't even mean to suggest that if your mother reacts badly when you try to talk with her about the sex shame she's been pushing on you that she doesn't love you. Obviously, it's more complicated than that. Your mother has lived her whole life with a set of beliefs, and she may well think you're in danger if you're not adhering to them. It might be very unsettling to hear that her critiques of your wardrobe, which, in her eyes, are meant to keep you out of danger, are something that you experience as harming. So have compassion. Try to see her intentions in the context of what you know of her sexual values, which may be very different from yours. In fact, if you suspect that the issue really lies in your incompatible sexual values (maybe your mother believes that only girls with low self-esteem have sex before marriage, or that going out late and drinking is going to “get you” raped), it could be most productive to try to talk about those values, and not just about the behaviors that stem from them.
“My mother's advice about when to have sex was always âwhen you feel ready for it and are in a good, loving relationship,'” recalls Avory.
For a long time, I thought this was great advice because it was a sensible alternative to the “waiting for marriage” thing, and seemed to be promoting healthy behaviorsâlove is good, right? It wasn't until many years later that I realized this taught me that monogamy is the only option, that love is the only thing you need for sex to be great, and that there is some sort of black-line difference between a romantic relationship and a great, trusting friendship. Over time, I started to see that her well-meaning advice was steeped in one particular idea of how romantic relationships are supposed to work, and learned that for me, sex depends principally on trust and ability to comfortably communicate with someoneâwhether friend or romantic partner, and no matter how many relationships I have at the time.
Keep in mind that no one changes their values overnight, and lots of people won't change them at all, no matter what you say. Also remember that you may not be perfect at talking about this, either. These conversations can get emotional and heated, even if everyone has the best of intentions.
Ultimately, you've got three basic choices for dealing with people in your life who don't support your sexual health:
1.
Engage.
If the relationship is important to you, and if it seems like the person you're dealing with also cares about the relationship and wants to find a way not to hurt you, I really encourage you to try to talk it through. This can take a while. You might even want to get a neutral third party involved to
help. When I came out as queer to my parents, it got messy really fast. I never doubted that they loved me, but they really struggled to support and accept me the way I needed them to. There were tears. There were fights. Some of them were ugly. But we all hung in and kept trying to get to a better place with each other, and eventually, over the course of a few years, we really did. It was hard work for all of us, but it was worth it. We have a better, more honest relationship now than we did before. That doesn't happen for everyone, but it's possible for many.
Engage.
If the relationship is important to you, and if it seems like the person you're dealing with also cares about the relationship and wants to find a way not to hurt you, I really encourage you to try to talk it through. This can take a while. You might even want to get a neutral third party involved to
help. When I came out as queer to my parents, it got messy really fast. I never doubted that they loved me, but they really struggled to support and accept me the way I needed them to. There were tears. There were fights. Some of them were ugly. But we all hung in and kept trying to get to a better place with each other, and eventually, over the course of a few years, we really did. It was hard work for all of us, but it was worth it. We have a better, more honest relationship now than we did before. That doesn't happen for everyone, but it's possible for many.
2.
Agree to disagree.
If things get too difficult, it may be useful to back off the conversation for a while, or altogether. If you can both manage it, try agreeing to not talk about the sticky issue. This works best with an explicit conversation in which you agree on exactly what types of conversations or comments are off-limits. (So, you might say to your roommate, “You don't comment on what I'm wearing, and I won't tell you about what I do when I go out.”) You can also decide if this is a permanent arrangement or if you want to try it for a period of time and then reopen the conversation once you've both had time to think and cool down. Of course, the tricky part is sticking to it.
Agree to disagree.
If things get too difficult, it may be useful to back off the conversation for a while, or altogether. If you can both manage it, try agreeing to not talk about the sticky issue. This works best with an explicit conversation in which you agree on exactly what types of conversations or comments are off-limits. (So, you might say to your roommate, “You don't comment on what I'm wearing, and I won't tell you about what I do when I go out.”) You can also decide if this is a permanent arrangement or if you want to try it for a period of time and then reopen the conversation once you've both had time to think and cool down. Of course, the tricky part is sticking to it.
3.
Disengage from the relationship.
This may mean cutting the person off altogether, or just keeping your distance and engaging in polite conversation only when socially required to. If a family member has been emotionally or physically abusive to you, especially if they refuse any accountability for their actions, this can sometimes be your best option. If
you want to leave the door open for the possibility of future reconciliation, you can do this with conditions (“I'm not speaking with you until you acknowledge and apologize for the way you treated me”), or you can do it unconditionally. The older and/or more important the relationship is between you, the harder this can be to do. But you'll know it when it's time to cross this bridge. Trust your instincts. If you're dealing with physical or emotional abuse, consider this option if you think the person who's harming you doesn't care that you're getting hurt and is uninterested in stopping or negotiating. Also consider it if just being near this person is too painful for you, even if you think their intentions toward you are benign.
Disengage from the relationship.
This may mean cutting the person off altogether, or just keeping your distance and engaging in polite conversation only when socially required to. If a family member has been emotionally or physically abusive to you, especially if they refuse any accountability for their actions, this can sometimes be your best option. If
you want to leave the door open for the possibility of future reconciliation, you can do this with conditions (“I'm not speaking with you until you acknowledge and apologize for the way you treated me”), or you can do it unconditionally. The older and/or more important the relationship is between you, the harder this can be to do. But you'll know it when it's time to cross this bridge. Trust your instincts. If you're dealing with physical or emotional abuse, consider this option if you think the person who's harming you doesn't care that you're getting hurt and is uninterested in stopping or negotiating. Also consider it if just being near this person is too painful for you, even if you think their intentions toward you are benign.
Of course, none of our relationships exist in a vacuum, and other people who know you both may try to get involved. This can be either helpful or hard, depending on so many things. It may be that cutting one person out of your life means that other people cut you off. But it may also be that, say, opening a conversation about slut-shaming with one of your friends leads other friends to engage in that same useful conversation. You're going to have to deal with the fallout in each of your relationships as it arises.
Dive In:Make a list of three to five family members or friends whose attitudes toward sexuality negatively impact you. Write down how they behave, what they believe or say that hurts you, and how you wish
it could be different. Be as specific as you can. Now, circle the name of the person who seems most likely to be open to finding out how they're impacting you. Using the role-playing options from chapter 7, role-play a conversation with the person about what's bothering youâtheir false assumptions about your sexuality, the way their behavior toward other women affects you, their controlling behaviorâwhatever it is. But before you start, review the strategies in chapter 7 for helping yourself initiate a difficult conversation, and think about what outcome would be satisfying to you and what outcomes would be acceptable. Write those down, too. Remember to use the Nice Person Test: Tell them about it the way you'd want to hear about it if you were hurting them but didn't know you were. Let them know you value the relationship and you trust their intentions, which is why this conversation is important. Use a shit sandwich if it helps.
There may be any number of situations where you have the responsibility to talk to children about sex. I'm not going to tell you what to say to themâthere are just too many factors. How old is the child in question? What's your relationship to them? If you're not their parent or guardian, do you share their parent/guardian's values about sex, and if not, is it okay with the Head Grownup in charge of this child for you to share your own values? And if it isn't, what are the circumstances when it's worth doing anyhow?
So many questions, a lot of which you're going to ultimately have to answer for yourself. But I can share a few guidelines I like to follow.
⢠Be honest. If a child asks you a question about sex, and you can't answer it because they're just not old enough to understand, or because you're not sure it's your place to do so, tell them straight up. Don't lie. Kids can smell lies from a mile away. So if you lie to them about sex, they're going to get (a) false, confusing, made-up information about a really important subject, and (b) the feeling that they can't trust you.
⢠Teach them that their relationship with their bodies and their sexuality is the most important one. When they're young, that means that they get to say no if they don't want Grandpa to kiss them at Thanksgiving, even if that causes awkwardness with Grandpa. You may need to talk this over with Grandpa in advance if you think it's going to be an issue. So do it. Because Grandpa's hurt feelings aren't more important than a child's learning that they get final say over who does what to their body.
⢠Teach them that there's so much more to them than sexuality. For such a repressed culture, we spend a lot of our collective energy evaluating who's more important or powerful based on who's sexy. The best way to counteract this isn't to tell kids that sex is bad or dangerous and they should never even think about it, because this not only makes it seem more taboo (and therefore more compelling), but also does nothing to counteract the idea
that sexuality is the most important thing about them. Instead, give them positive attention for other things. If, for example, you've got a girl in your life with a princess fetish, maybe role-play with her about what it would be like to actually
rule
a kingdom, and help her learn to wield power firmly but benevolently. Or indulge the princess stuff for an hour, but only if she'll agree to do something with you that's not related to princess play (like playing soccer or completing a puzzle) for an hour after that.
that sexuality is the most important thing about them. Instead, give them positive attention for other things. If, for example, you've got a girl in your life with a princess fetish, maybe role-play with her about what it would be like to actually
rule
a kingdom, and help her learn to wield power firmly but benevolently. Or indulge the princess stuff for an hour, but only if she'll agree to do something with you that's not related to princess play (like playing soccer or completing a puzzle) for an hour after that.
⢠Teach them to respect other people's boundaries, too. That means practicing enthusiastic consent (though you don't have to call it that). Playing rough or physical games is fine as long as everyone's having a good time. But if somebody stops having fun, the physical stuff has to stop immediately.
⢠Walk your talk. If you tell your thirteen-year-old brother that it's not cool to tease girls about their bodies, and then he hears you snarking to your friends about how fat or skinny or slutty or prudish or whatever some woman you know is, he's going to learn that (a) you're a hypocrite and (b) it's actually totally fine (and possibly cool and grown-up) to snark on women's bodies. Which brings me to:
⢠If they're confused, let them know they're not alone. Kids tend to think that grownups have all the answers. But while they should be able to trust the adults in their lives to have more answers than they themselves do, it can also be affirming for them to know that some things are confusing, even for grownups. Letting them know that some of the things
about sex that seem complicated or scary are actually complicated and can, in fact, involve real risk reassures them that their instincts are right and empowers them to ask more questions without feeling like they're “dumb kids.” But don't forget to also . . .
about sex that seem complicated or scary are actually complicated and can, in fact, involve real risk reassures them that their instincts are right and empowers them to ask more questions without feeling like they're “dumb kids.” But don't forget to also . . .
⢠Make sure kids know that sex can be pleasurable! So much of what we tend to teach kids about sex is designed to scare them off of ever having it or even thinking about it. Of course it's important for kids to understand the real risks that come along with partnered sex, but it's also crucial that they know that people do it for a reason! If we leave pleasure out of what we teach kids about sex, we're essentially teaching them that when they do wind up feeling sexual pleasure, there's something dirty and secret about that pleasure. And we're especially teaching them that they shouldn't talk with us about it, because we either lied about it to them or don't understand. That kind of silencing from adults can lead kids to get their sexual information from each other, or from distorted sources like porn.
⢠Be prepared. There's no hard-and-fast rule about when a young person is ready for partnered sex. Your job is to encourage the young people in your life to find the time that works for them, and to resist pressure to “do it” because everyone else seems to be, or to “save it” just because someone else thinks they should. Instead, help young people decide for themselves using some basic guidelines: Are they comfortable talking about and acquiring the necessary supplies to practice safer sex? Are they with a partner who practices enthusiastic
consent and will respect their boundaries, and are they ready to do the same for a partner? Are they genuinely excited and curious about sex? Are they emotionally strong enough to handle any fallout that might result, from heartbreak to unintended pregnancy? Heather Corinna of Scarleteen has developed a great “Sex Readiness Checklist,” which you can find in her book,
S.E.X.,
2
or at
www.wyrrw.com/sexreadiness
. Go over it with a young person who's thinking of dipping their toe into sexual watersâit will inspire great conversation!
consent and will respect their boundaries, and are they ready to do the same for a partner? Are they genuinely excited and curious about sex? Are they emotionally strong enough to handle any fallout that might result, from heartbreak to unintended pregnancy? Heather Corinna of Scarleteen has developed a great “Sex Readiness Checklist,” which you can find in her book,
S.E.X.,
2
or at
www.wyrrw.com/sexreadiness
. Go over it with a young person who's thinking of dipping their toe into sexual watersâit will inspire great conversation!
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