We Shouldn't and Yet... (17 page)

He sighs and pulls back to his full height, towering way above me. “You’re lying to yourself. Be careful, you could ruin not only your friendship with Hal, but Hal and Jensen’s relationship too. You’re in the middle and I don’t envy you at all.’’

He squeezes my shoulder again and walks away, his gait sure, but his shoulders are slightly more hunched than a few minutes ago. He didn’t want to hear his doubts confirmed, but I’m no liar. At least, I didn’t used to be one. I don’t think he’s ever going to ask me out for a drink again. That ship sailed and it took less than twenty-four hours to scare him off.

I slowly start walking again, but slower now that I know what it is about my best friend that I couldn’t grasp. Everything is starting to make a lot more sense. Our spat the other week wasn’t just because I’m keeping my feelings for Yann locked away, but because he has feelings for me. Wesley is right, I’ve been so blind.

I rub my temples and spot Hal waiting for me in front of the theatre. There are groups of people of all ages gathered there, enjoying the sunny day and talking while waiting for their movie to start. I wave at Hal, and his easy going smile breaks free. It hurts seeing it now.

“I was starting to think you’d stood me up.’’

“As if,’’ I reply and go stiffly to him for our usual hug. But when his arms close around me, it’s not comfort and familiarity I feel, it’s unease. “I saw Wesley on my way and we chatted.’’

“Really?’’

He pulls back immediately and puts his hands in his pockets, going for nonchalance. Usually, it’d have fooled me, but not today. I can see the tense muscles flexing under his brown tee-shirt and there’s something around his eyes that makes it clear as day that he’s not relaxed anymore.

“He’s a nice guy, but we cancelled our date.’’

He smiles at me and goes to put his hand around my shoulder, but I quickly walk to the theatre’s entrance, pretending that I’ve missed his move. “I’m really not ready to date. I don’t want to lead anyone on, you know?’’

“It’s been over a year now, Aideen. Maybe it’s time to move on.’’

“Listen,’’ I turn around and put a hand on his forearm. “I know we’ve both lost someone dear to us, but it’s not like what happened to your mother. She was terminally ill, Yann…Yann wasn’t. She was your mother. Yann was my boyfriend for years. Your mother’s death probably makes it difficult for you to bond with Jensen, Yann’s death makes it hard for me to open up and go out with another man. You see, we’re grieving in different ways.’’

He frowns down at me as I take two steps when the line moves on. “Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?’’

“I don’t know.’’ I shrug. “I just don’t want you trying to hook me up with some guy because you think he’ll be good for me. I’m not ready and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings in the process, you know?’’ It’s a white lie, but I want him to understand before we get any deeper in to this mess and before I hurt him more than I already have.

“I didn’t push Wesley onto you.’’

“I know, but still. It’s best to have it out, don’t you think?’’

He nods half-heartedly and the pain I see on his face breaks my heart too. Wesley has been right about Hal. It’s finally our turn to pay for our tickets, but we’re still quiet, barely exchanging two words until the opening credits start. Good thing that you’re not supposed to chat in a theatre. I hope I’ve made the right call in the way I’ve handled this. Looking at Hal’s somber look, I’m not so sure.

If only he knew what happened between Jensen and me. If only he knew that I’ll be outside at eight tonight, waiting for his father. If only he knew how I’m not sure if I want to resist his father’s advances and if I only could at this point. If only…

JENSEN

I rev my bike when the light turns green and speed up Aideen’s street. I’ve been restless for the last hour thinking of her, wondering if she’d be waiting or if I’d need to grab her heart-shaped ass and bring her out to my bike. Now, I just want to see her, kiss her. But I’m not sure if kissing her is a smart idea when what I really need to do is talk to her. I plan to fuck her too, but first, we need to talk and get some stuff out of the way. I don’t want to play fucking cat and mouse. I’m too old for that shit. And we both deserve to understand each other a bit more.

I slow down and spot her on the sidewalk, her face turned to me, her hair down her shoulders and her face bare of makeup. She’s wearing a brown leather jacket, zipped up to her neck. I take off my helmet and grab the spare one I’ve brought with me.

“I see you’re right on time. Eager to see me?’’ I smirk and I’m thrilled to see her getting so easily riled up. It’s as easy as getting her wet. In fact… I stare at her legs, perfectly hugged by her jeans. I wonder if she’s wet already. I lick my lips at the thought, eager to taste her again. I want to hear her moans, her pleas for more of me. I adjust myself and gesture for her to climb on behind me and put on the damn helmet.

“Where are we going?’’

“Don’t you trust me?’’

She snorts and arches an eyebrow at me. She’s got just enough sass to keep me on my toes and I love it. “Not really.’’

“I’m a safe driver.’’

“Says the man who had several whiskeys and still rode his bike before.’’ She shakes her head at me, but puts on the helmet, careful to keep her hair out of her face. Without another word she climbs on the bike and puts her arms around me, her hands dangerously low on my abs, close enough to graze the tip of my cock at half mast if she moves half an inch lower. Perfect torture.

I rev the motor and take off, a shit eating grin on my face under my helmet as she grips me tighter, plastering herself to me, flattening her breasts to my back. Right there, this is one of the reasons why I’ve always loved riding a bike.

I gun harder and we fly out of the town’s limits, farther into the country until we reach the woods. I slow down and carefully take the road to the left, careful of the holes in the old ground. Trees close in on around us, hiding the cloudless starry night and the new moon. We ride for a few more minutes until I park my bike and take off my helmet, looking at the scenery. She releases me from her tight hold, unfortunately, and climbs off the bike, taking off the helmet in one swift move, sending her hair flying every which way. She looks too damn cute for her own good.

“Where are we?’’ she asks quietly, her eyes wide on the opening in the trees where you can just about make out a small wood cabin, almost completely hidden by vegetation.

In the middle of the opening there are the remnants of a campfire, but it’s probably months old. Not many people come back here anymore, but when I was in high school it was the place to go. We would gather here to drink beer or wine stolen from our parents and listen to angry music on an old boombox. I’d often meet Hal’s mother and our friends here. We’d hang out and laugh together, all the while pretending to be cool and the shit. I’d been the worst of all and yet girls still kept coming to me. Hal’s mother too. Only I was too dumb to know she had feelings for me and that it wasn’t just a matter of losing her virginity with a good friend she’d trusted. I’d been thinking with my dick, and here I am thinking with my dick again, years later. It’s pathetic if I take the time to analyze my life and myself.

I look back at Aideen as she takes a few steps toward where the bonfire used to be. There’s something else there too between us, not just lust and I’m not sure if I should poke around to figure that shit out. It’s scary.

“At one point it was a hunter’s cabin, but when I was a kid it was here that we’d have bonfires and drink. It’s not very popular anymore.’’ I run a hand over my beard and put my helmet on the bike’s saddle.

“Must have been wild, huh?’’

I chuckle and sit on one of the logs. I pat next to me and I’m surprised when she comes to me without complaint. She sits at a respectable distance from me and I have to put my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket to keep from grabbing her hips and pulling her to me.

“Nah, not much more than what most kids are still doing. The wild parties were in the back of my old man’s car when I was able to snatch the keys or on my old dirt bike. I’ve always been inventive when it comes to the girls.’’ I’ve always been a bastard is more like it.

“I’m not even shocked.’’

I smirk and gaze up at the sky. There aren’t that many stars, we’re too close to the town with its lights, but it’s still peaceful. “I know you don’t want to talk about Yann, and I get it. There is a lot I don’t want to talk about either, but I also know that you should know some things about me or else I’ll keep chasing you while you try and push me away without much success. I hate this blowing hot and cold thing you got going on.’’

“Next you’re going to tell me you care only for the heat.’’ She rolls her eyes, but there’s tension in her she tries to hide.

“It’s without saying, and I bet you’re the same.’’ I bring a leg on the other side of the log to straddle it and I face her. She keeps her eyes on the old cabin, but I see her trying to catch me in the corner of her eyes. “It’s been years since I’ve last had a girlfriend and even then it wasn’t a real relationship. I’ve always gone after women, always trying to stay clear of commitment. Maybe it comes from the shit that went down with my mother when I was ten. She left without so much as a fucking goodbye and I’ve never heard from her since. As a kid I hated school and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d spent a year without doing much of anything other than tweaking my old bike, fucking around and pissing off my father after high school. At some point, we had a huge fight and I left the house. After a couple of weeks crashing at friends’ I ended up enlisting with Q after he told me that I’d be able to finally do something with myself. He talked me into it in a way, pushing me on a right path instead of fucking up my life.’’

She turns her face to me, her eyes sad. “You didn’t want that?’’

I shrug and get lost in the past. “Not at first, but I enjoyed my training and bulking up and I loved the first few tours. My father was proud, I had a reason to wake up and I had a purpose. But then the missions started to get more difficult, we would lose more guys and…’’ I trail off, my voice thicker. “Your uncle was a military man, so you know what it’s like.’’

She slides closer to me on the log and squeezes my thigh. “I know. The only thing that makes me feel better about his death is that he loved his job. He was military through and through.’’

I smile and put a hand over hers, trapping hers there on my thigh. Her warmth seeps through the old denim of my jeans. And it fucking sears me. Completely. “When did he die?’’

“Just over a year ago. My mother is still broken over it. He was her twin, so I guess it’s even harder for her.’’

“Shit. Did he have kids?’’

She shakes her head and glances at our hands on my leg. “No. My aunt couldn’t have kids and they tried to adopt, but then my uncle was assigned to another unit. I didn’t know much at this point, I was little, but they decided to not risk having a kid lose his dad. Looking back, I think it’s sad for my aunt.’’ She sighs and smiles at me. It’s soft, pure. “Do you plan on going back?’’

I shake my head and run my free hand through my beard. “No, it’s over for me, I’m getting too old. You see the fuck up I’ve become anyway.’’

“You’re not that bad, Jensen.’’ Hesitantly, she links her fingers through mine and it’s a direct hit to my chest. My heart speeds up. “You’re just a little bit lost right now. It’s understandable.’’

“And you? Are you lost?’’ I whisper thickly.

“More than ever.’’

I cock my head to one side, my eyes on her sad face. Her big hazel eyes look to the ground and I squeeze her fingers tighter between mine, afraid she’d pull away from me like she always seems to do when her emotions are threatening to overcome her.

“What happened?’’

She suddenly brings her chin high up in the air, her eyes steady on mine. The sparks within them are dulling. She’s steadying herself, tightening her hold on her control. Her hand in mine becomes pliant, dead. She’s not gripping me, she’s not seeking me and the cave in my chest, that fucking ever-present hole there comes back with a vengeance.

“Yann is dead. He committed suicide.’’

***

AIDEEN

A beat of silence follows my words, and then I see them sinking in. Jensen’s head pulls back slightly, his eyes widen briefly. Even the tenseness around his mouth dissipates for a second. His hand around mine is firmer now, but I don’t return his hold.