We Shouldn't and Yet... (16 page)

“Amen to that.’’ She sighs again. “Oh, honey, I almost forgot. That’s the main reason of my call. I met Yann’s father yesterday. We were both waiting at the checkout at the grocery store in town.’’

A lump lodges itself in my throat and my eyes prickle. I clear my throat. “How is he?’’

“As good as he can be considering. His wife is seeing a doctor now. Apparently it’s already helping.’’

“That’s good, I guess.’’

“He asked about you. I told him you left mostly because of what happened and the mess that ensued. He’s really sorry, you know.’’

“Yann’s father was never an issue. Neither was his mother, to be honest. I’ve always understood her resentment toward me. It’s only natural.’’

“Honey, you’ve lost Yann too.’’

I swallow thickly and hold onto my composure with my last strength. “I know, but he was their only child. It’s very different.’’

“Honey…’’

“Listen, I have to go. With the hectic week I’ve had I’m not completely settled and I have some groceries to buy. Talk to you later, okay?’’

“Sure, honey. Call if you want to talk.’’

I hang up and take a few deep breaths. My lungs are burning, just like they always do when I’m ready to cry my heart out. But I won’t. What is done, is done. Yann is gone and it’s been almost four hundred days. I’d cried the day I received that call to tell me he was dead, I even cried when they buried him, but not once since. I’m not going to now.

I look around my empty place and that emptiness weighs on me. I don’t want to be alone amongst all this silence, with time on my hands I conjure up memories of a time when Yann and I were a team, when I was his pillar, his constant. I was his everything and he was mine.

I stand up and go back to my room and take a good long shower, emptying my head. I don’t let Yann invade my thoughts, don’t let Jensen jam my relaxation time, don’t let Hal’s distant behavior worry me. I just enjoy the hot jet of water and how my muscles are getting more relaxed by the second. When my fingers prune I step out and get dressed, ready to go grocery shopping. I’ll call Hal later to see if he’s free to do something, maybe see a movie. It’s a perfect way to spend my Saturday. Way better than staying in, wallowing and mourning when I can’t change a damn thing, even though it’s not a fault for not praying.

***

JENSEN

“Where were you last night?’’ Hal asks me over lunch, finally up and about at half past noon. He wolfs down some more pork. The kid is like a teenager, eating everything in huge portions. Good thing he’s got my metabolism or he’d be sporting a few extra pounds.

“Out.’’

“Very eloquent. Were you with a woman? You know I can take it, I’m not a child.’’

“Good, I wondered if it was real hair on your chin.’’ I smirk and finish my plate, finally feeling better now that my hangover is fading. I’m pretty sure the counter-sex helped speed up my recovery.

“Real funny. So, what happened last night?’’

I focus on my empty plate, then on his and grab both. It gives me a chance to avoid looking at him and it also buys me a few precious seconds to actually find something to come up with. Something other than the very
naked
truth.

“I went to Q’s bar, we had a few and I was drunk off my ass. I ended up crashing on a…friend’s couch. End of story.’’

“You’re getting old. I’m sure a few years ago you’d have had a wilder story to tell.’’

I go back to the table and sit, a smirk on my face. I run a hand over my beard, the same beard I trimmed when I got back. I can’t be bothered to shave it off yet and it’s odd how much easier I find it to hide my feelings behind. Now that I’ve met Aideen I have a need to hide more than usual, but I’m not sure if it’s working on her or not. She has a keen eye and she probably sees more of me than I’m comfortable with.

“What do you think about that whole Wesley thing?’’ He points to the couch where his friends had sat yesterday. “I can’t believe she agreed to go out with him. Maybe I was way off when I thought she wasn’t ready to date anyone. I should make a move before she actually hooks up with him.’’ He makes a face at the thought and rubs at his eyes. Now that I look closer, he has bags under his eyes. I’m just starting to know him, but I’ve seen how he makes light of his feelings when really they hit him deeply. He probably had a hard time switching off last night. If he knew that the real threat is his own father, the same father who’s sitting right in front of him at the table… Fuck, if I’d known all these years that I had a son, maybe I would have more qualms about going behind his back and snatching his girl. Having a son and being a part of raising him would have probably made me less of a fuck up than I am today.

“I don’t think she’s that interested in him.’’

“What makes you think that?’’

“Don’t know, just a gut feeling.’’ Or the fact that I fucked her over the kitchen counter just a few hours ago. I tug at the collar of my white shirt, suddenly hot. “What happened to her exactly? You keep hinting at it.’’

Hal shakes his head. “Nah, I’m not going to go that route. It took her months to actually let me know about the Yann thing, and I only know a small portion of it all. You saw what happened the other day. I’m not going to risk pissing her off by telling you. Ask her if you want to know.’’

I shrug as if I don’t really care, but it’s far from the truth. I’m more and more confused and curious. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m jealous knowing this Yann was so important to her. For all I know, maybe she’s still in contact with him and would jump at the chance to get back with him.

“It’s none of my business, Hal. If you’re afraid that she’s going to go back to him—‘’

“That’s one thing I’m sure won’t happen.’’ He shakes his head and stands up, checking his watch. “I’m calling her. I think I should spend more time with her before making a move. What do you think?’’

That you should stay the fuck away from her, that’s what I really think.
I hate my guts more than usual right now. “She’s one of your closest friends, Hal. You know what’s best.’’

He nods and stares at me as I fidget, tensing when my shoulder protests. That bitch is seriously not getting better. I guess it’s time I got it checked for more physiotherapy.

“You look pissed. What’s wrong?’’

I wave him off. “Nothing. Go.’’

He frowns, but leaves, dialing on his phone and bringing it to his ear. When he reaches the stairs I hear his cheerful voice. It’s not my place to be jealous of how close he is to Aideen, after all he’s known her for a year now, but I still am. It’s irrational, it makes me feel like a pussy and yet it also keeps me from my darker thoughts. I’m being a selfish bastard, but when you're a selfish bastard you don’t really do anything to change it as long as it benefits you.

I take my phone and quickly type a text without any guilt. I’m getting deeper into this mess.

You owe me a night. Be outside your building at eight tonight. Wear a jacket and don’t make me come get you, Aideen. I know how you like it when I lose my shit. —J

She doesn’t answer, but I don’t mind. I smirk down at my phone, legs spread in front of me. If she’s not waiting for me tonight I’ll make good on my promise. In a way, I look forward to it.

***

AIDEEN

I hang up with Hal and I’m about to put my phone back in my purse when I see a text from Jensen. Immediately, a rush of heat comes to my face. I try to hide behind my hair because I’m sure that anyone would guess what’s on my mind right now. I look around between strands of hair and see an old lady squinting suspiciously at me. So, maybe shopping and looking like I’m hiding something isn’t that a good idea. I don’t need to be suspected of shoplifting.

I straighten up, tug down my top and adjust my purse on my shoulder and go back to the rack of burgundy dresses perfect for my job. And I look back to my phone. I freeze just before taking a dress in my size and bite my lip.

I can’t answer that text. There’s nothing I can say that’s going to be acceptable. I pocket my phone and ignore the stirring inside me. I barely check the price tag and add the dress to my pile of clothing and go straight to the cashier, a high schooler with brown hair and purple at tips. She rings up my purchases with a smile and a compliment for my choices and I hightail it out of there.

I take a deep breath and before I can fully calm down, I spot Wesley waving at me from the opposite sidewalk. Of course. After all, this day isn’t difficult enough. I had sex in my kitchen with my best friend’s father. My best friend called to go to the movies and now my new date has turned up. I think I have too many men in my life and too little estrogen to balance them.

“Hey, I thought it was you. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself by accosting a stranger,’’ Wesley says after catching up to me in a quick jog that hasn’t left him breathless.

I chuckle and we fall into step down the street, getting closer to the theatre. “I’m sure she wouldn’t have been too annoyed.’’

He smiles at me sideways and elbows me playfully. “Is it me or are you paying me a compliment?’’

“As if you’re not used to it.’’ I shake my head and glance at him. With his broad shoulders, his fit body and his dark skin he can’t be ignored. Moreover, he seems like a genuinely nice guy. Why can’t I go for him? It’d be so much easier. Hal would probably be annoyed that I was dating one of his friends, but it’d be better than his father.

“I’m almost thirty now. I don’t get all cocky anymore. I’m past it.’’ He laughs and sidesteps a man chastising his kid. “Do you have something planned right now?’’

“Actually, I’m on my way to the theatre. I’m supposed to meet Hal, but if you want to join us—‘’

“No, thank you.’’ He puts on his sunglasses from the top of his head. “He made it clear last night he’s not a fan of me being around you.’’

“Tell me he didn’t warn you off after I left.’’

“He didn’t have to. He basically didn’t say a word to me. You have an admirer, I hope you know that.’’

“He’s just being protective. He knows I went through a lot.’’

“It has nothing to do with that, Aideen. Don’t tell me you’re that oblivious.’’ He gently grabs my elbow and leads me out of the busy main street, closer to a small hair salon with what looks like old ladies chatting inside.

I tilt my head up to face him. His black eyes are on mine, intense. His bright and addictive smile is nowhere in sight. “Wesley, don’t be ridiculous.’’

“Maybe for you because you’re not attracted to him, but I can assure you that Hal is interested. He always looks at you, often tries to touch you and it’s innocent enough to not catch your attention, but for everyone else it’s obvious.’’

I go to deny it, but I stop before a single word escapes me. Could it be true? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve been blind to Hal’s feelings. It makes me sick thinking that our friendship isn’t at all based on what I thought. It’s awful to think that I’ve been hurting his feelings for a while now without knowing. Oh, and Jensen.

“Oh my God,’’ I mutter and I have to lean against the brick wall.

“Hey, it’s alright.’’

I shake my head. “No, it’s really not.’’ I bring a hand to my clammy face. I’m pretty sure all blood has left my face at once.

“I’m sure it won’t ruin your friendship if you’re not interested.’’

I bite my lip and look away from him. It’s starting to sound like a really bad soap opera. “On the contrary.’’ I slept with my best friend’s father when said best friend has feelings for me that go beyond anything platonic. Maybe leaving my hometown because of the mess created by Yann’s death was a bad idea. Maybe I should have stayed and suffered through it because at least I would have known what to expect. Here, everything is just getting out of hand.

“Is it…Is it because of Jensen?’’ he asks tentatively and I stop breathing whatsoever.

I open my eyes like saucers and jerkily shake my head. “Wh—why—‘’

“Don’t waste your breath denying it, Aideen.’’ He smiles sadly at me, putting his sunglasses on his strong nose, hiding his expressive eyes from me. “I’ve always been good on the field because I know how to read people. I was called the Psychic because of it. I picked up on the looks you two kept sending each other or trying not to. Something happened, didn’t it?’’

“I…I…’’ I stutter and bang the back of my head against the wall. “Wesley, you can’t tell anyone. It was a huge mistake.’’

“So, something did happen.’’ He whistles and shakes his head. “That’s messed up.’’

“I know, believe me.’’

He squeezes my shoulder, but it’s not comforting. I actually feel weaker. “It’s not my secret to tell, but it won’t stay secret long. And something tells me that there’s still something going on between you and Jensen. Be careful with him.’’

“I’m not dating him.’’

“Dating, fucking, it’s not the point, Aideen.’’ He leans closer to me. “Jensen is a great dude, but he’s not stable. He’s going through his own kinda shit and his last tour overseas was the one too many. I’ve known him before he heard about Hal, and he changed a lot over the years. He’s not one to settle down.’’

“I’m not ready to settle down either, Wesley. I’m only twenty-two and I’ve been going through a tough time. Jensen and I, we just… slipped up.’’