Waiting for Perfect (13 page)

He stares at me
blankly like I’m speaking a foreign language.
 
Finally, he says, “Sebastian, are you serious?
 
This is the only chance I have.
 
She
has
to press charges.
 
I just need to
talk to her.”

I shake my
head.
 
Chances are if Kendra hasn’t
pressed charges yet, she isn’t going to.
 
I don’t want to kill my cousin’s hopes, but at the same time, I don’t
want Kendra to feel pressured into doing anything she doesn’t want to do.
 
She’s already been down that road.

I try to talk him
out of the idea.
 
“Let’s just talk
to an attorney first.
 
We can go to
one of those free consultation guys and tell him everything that happened.
 
If we have enough witnesses from that
night, maybe it will be enough.
 
Maybe Kendra won’t have to do anything.”

Nick stares at
me.
 
“What the hell,
Sebastian?
 
She has to press
charges!
 
The shitbag nearly raped
her for Christ’s sake!
 
I just need
to talk to her and let her know what’s going on.”
 
He pulls his phone out of his front pocket.

“Who are you
calling?” I ask, annoyed that he’s planning to get Kendra involved in
this.
 
She’s been through enough
already.

He starts dialing
and puts the phone to his ear, waiting for the person to pick up.

“Candace?
 
Hey, it’s me, Nick.
 
I need a favor.”

KENDRA

The weekend flew
by.
 
I worked extra hours at Rose
Canyon on Friday night and after Marcus’ soccer game in the morning –
where my brother scored the winning goal – picked up an extra shift on
Saturday.
 
By the time Sunday
rolled around, I was exhausted.
 
I
hadn’t seen any of my friends all weekend.
 
I realize I am seeing less and less of them.

I got a weird
message from Nicolás Veneto of all people late Friday night.
 
Since I was working, I had missed the
call.
 
I wondered who gave him my
number, because I know I never gave it to him.
 
He left a voicemail about needing to talk to me about something
urgent, but I never called him back.
 
I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone this weekend.

When I get to
school Monday morning, it doesn’t take me long to hear that Ryan’s back at
school today.
 
I wonder how he’s
keeping up in his classes while basically missing the first couple weeks of
school.
 
Then I remember what he
did to me, and I realize I don’t have to wonder about anything involving Ryan
Morgan ever again.
 
I thought he
had been my friend.
 
I never
thought he was capable of something so horrific.
 
Once again, I’m grateful that Nicolás stopped him when he
did.

When I get to
Calculus, Lexi is already there.
 
She watches me as I make my way toward the back of the classroom and
take my seat next to her.
 
I try to
avoid eye contact.
 
In my peripheral
vision, I see her leaning forward in her desk staring at me.
 
I glance at her, and she smiles, but
her eyebrows are drawn in like she’s about to cry.
 
I look back to the front of the classroom and try to ignore
her.

She starts whining
next to me.
 
“Kendra, please.
 
I hate this!
 
I miss you!
 
You’re my best friend.
 
I
don’t know what I was thinking.
 
I
didn’t want to hurt you.
 
I was
going to tell you.
 
I swear.
 
I just didn’t know how.
 
I was scared!”

I know she’s
telling me the truth.
 
I don’t
think she was trying to hurt me.
 
But she
did
hurt me.
 
How do I get over that?
 
“I know,” I mumble.

The fact that I
spoke to her makes her excited, and she starts yapping again.
 
“See?
 
You know I didn’t mean it.
 
If I could just go back and do it over again, I would.
 
I would have told you the second we
woke up that morning.
 
You deserved
to know…”

I whip my head
toward her and say sharply, “You’re damn right I deserved to know, Lex!
 
What the hell were you thinking?
 
You’re my best friend!
 
You’re the one person I would have
trusted the most to tell me what happened!
 
But you didn’t!
 
I didn’t know anything until Candace told me two days later.
 
I felt like an idiot!”

She’s crying
now.
 
The classroom is filling up,
and even though we’ve been keeping our voices down, people are starting to look
at us.
 
She shakes her head.
 
“I know!
 
I know!
 
I’m so
sorry!
 
How can I make it up to
you, Kendra?
 
I’ll do
anything!
 
I’ve hated these last
couple weeks.
 
Please tell me what
I can do.”
 
She dabs under her eyes
at the tears that are starting to puddle there.

I notice Nick walk
in and take his seat in the front corner.
 
He is glancing in our direction, and when he notices Lexi is crying, he
frowns and then looks toward the whiteboard.
 
I remember that he called me on Friday and wonder for a
moment what he wanted to talk to me about.

“Did you give Nick
Veneto my phone number?” I say to Lexi.

She looks confused,
glancing to Nick and then back to me.
 
“What?
 
No.”
 
She sniffs and dabs her eyes some more.
 
“Why would I do that?
 
I haven’t even talked to him since
Jeff’s party.”

The teacher walks
in and assumes his position at the head of the class.
 
The chatter dies down, and I whisper to Lexi, “We’ll talk
later, okay?”

That seems to
satisfy her for now.
 
She sniffs
again and opens her Calculus book.
 
Nick looks back at me and mouths, “Are you okay?”
 
He has his reading glasses on, and his
dark hair is hanging over one eye like usual.
 
Today, he’s wearing a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and black
jeans.
 
I notice the tight shirt hugging
his biceps and for the first time realize how strong he must be to have been
able to fight Ryan and win.
 
A hint
of a smile spreads across my lips, and I nod.
 
He smiles too and then faces the front again.

I keep staring at
him, eyeing his eyebrow piercing.
 
It looks painful, but somehow, on him it totally fits.
 
I try to read what the tattoo on his
arm says, but I can’t make it out from this distance.
 
It looks like it might be in a different language.

He looks back again
and catches me staring at him.
 
I
should feel embarrassed that I’ve been caught checking him out, but I
don’t.
 
I just smile, and he
returns it with a bright smile of his own.

I plan to talk to
him after class to see what he was calling about that was so urgent, but when
the bell rings, he skips out quickly.
 
By the time I get to the hallway, I can’t find him at all.

Lexi follows me out
of the classroom.
 
I know she wants
to talk, but I really don’t feel like hearing any more of her excuses right
now.
 
I tell her that I’ll see her at
lunch and walk off to my next class.

When it’s
lunchtime, my class is excused late, and by the time I make it to the quad to
eat, the lines are already packed.
 
I decide I’m not hungry anyways, so I go to find Candace, Megan, and Lexi.
 
They’re sitting together at our usual
table, laughing about something.
 
They haven’t seen me yet.
 
I
stare at them for a while, watching them laugh.
 
They look happy, like how things used to be.
 
I don’t want to interrupt them.

That’s when I
notice people looking at me.
 
They’re
whispering to each other and giving me dirty looks.
 
I thought this would have blown over by now, but with Ryan
back at school today, I guess it’s still fresh on everyone’s minds.
 
They’re saying I made up the attack.
 
They’re saying I’m lying about Ryan
raping me because we had been screwing around, and now I regretted it.
 

I even hear a girl
to my left telling her friend, “That’s her, the one that tried to have Ryan
killed after she screwed him.
 
Whore.”

A part of me wants
to pour her apple juice over her stringy, bleach-blonde hair, but a bigger part
of me is mortified.
 
I feel tears
starting to come, and I panic.
 
I
will not let these people see me cry.
 
I consider running over to my girls for help, but they are still laughing
about something, and I don’t want to depress them with my problems.

Just then, I see
Ryan across the quad.
 
He’s sitting
with his friends, and they’re all staring at me and laughing.
 
I feel like everyone is watching
me.
 
My breathing starts getting shallow
and fast.
 
I feel like I’m not
getting enough oxygen.
 
I can feel
my heart rate pick up, and it seems like it’s going to burst right through my
chest.
 
I twirl around trying to
get my bearings but that just makes me dizzy.

I’m so
light-headed.
 
Everything around me
starts turning white.
 
I think I’m
going to pass out.
 
I can’t
breathe!
 
I hear everyone laughing,
and I’m sure they’re all laughing at me.
 
I’m totally stuck in panic mode, and I have no idea what to do.
 
The tears that were threatening earlier
are making an appearance, and I can feel one slide down my cheek.
 
I wipe it away quickly.
 
I want to scream.
 
Everything is so loud.

What the hell is happening to me?

Just about when I
think I’m going to fall flat on my face, I feel a hand on my elbow.
 
I can’t focus enough to see who it
is.
 
An arm is around my shoulders,
leading me out of the quad.
 
I hear
a warm voice saying, “Come on, angel.
 
Let’s get you out of here.”
 
I nod.
 
Yes.
 
Yes, let’s get me out of here.
 
That sounds like the best idea ever.

I am tucked under
his arm like a broken bird, but I don’t give a damn.
 
It’s safe here.
 
I feel safe.
 
My breathing
is still coming too fast, and my heart rate has yet to slow down, but I don’t
feel as scared as before.

We’re by the
teacher’s parking lot, and I am being set down onto the ground.
 
The cool concrete feels wonderful
against my bare legs.
 
I sit with
my back to the 900 Building, my head in my hands.

“Slow breaths,
Kendra.
 
Slow down.
 
You’re okay.”
 
He’s reassuring me, and I listen to him.
 
I’m still not sure who it is, but his
hand rubbing my back is comforting, and his voice is soothing.
 
I try a couple of deep breaths, but
they still come out shallow and forced.

He says quietly,
“Deep breath in…” He takes a deep breath like he’s teaching me how to breathe for
the first time.
 
“Deep breath out…”
he says, exhaling with a big whoosh.
 
He repeats this twice more, and by the third time, I’m breathing in
rhythm with him.
 
Deep breath in,
deep breath out.
 
My heart begins
to slow down, and I finally feel like I’m getting enough oxygen to my brain.

His hand rubs
circles on my back.
 
I sit quietly
for a moment longer.
 
He’s still
breathing deeply for me, and I continue to follow his example.

When I think I
won’t pass out, I lift my head from my hands and look up.

“Hi,
beautiful.”
 
He gives me a big,
dimpled grin.
 
He truly is
gorgeous.

“Sebastian,” is all
I manage to say.
 
I almost lose it
again when I realize he’s just seen me at my worst.
 
I must look pathetic.

He tucks a piece of
hair behind my ear and slides the back of his hand down my cheek.
 
“Well, you can see straight.
 
That’s good.”
 
He moves from kneeling in front of me to sitting beside me
with his back on the wall.
 
We sit
in silence for a couple of minutes looking straight ahead.
 
A few kids scamper across the parking
lot, but otherwise, it’s relatively empty.
 
It’s nice to have the quiet around me.

“I used to get
those too, you know,” he says, breaking the silence.

I’m confused.
“What?”

“Panic
attacks.
 
I use to get them
too.
 
They’re a real bitch.”

What is he talking
about?
 
Panic attacks?
 
He thinks I had a panic attack.
 
Did
I have a panic attack?
 
Is that
what that was?

When I don’t say
anything, he continues.
 
“The
attacks come on pretty fast.
 
Shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, dizziness, fear.
 
Sometimes you feel like you’re going to
die.
 
They seriously suck.
 
You handled that one pretty well
though.”
 
He’s saying this like
it’s the most normal thing in the world.
 
I can’t understand why he’s not freaking out like I am.