Waiting for Perfect (16 page)

“So, I guess I’ll
see you tomorrow at school.”
 
I
reach for the handle and pull open her door.

She gives me a
funny look that makes me wonder if any guy has ever held a door open for her
before.
 
She’s pretty independent,
so maybe it pissed her off that I’m holding open the door.
 
I’ll let her shut it herself.
 
That will balance it out, right?

As I consider what
the hell to do about the door, so I don’t piss her off, she says, “Thanks.
 
I’d like to do that again sometime.
 
I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

Hell yeah, that’s okay with me!

“Sure,” I say
coolly.
 
“I usually try to work out
on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays.
 
Do you want to give me your number?
 
I can text you when I’m coming.”
 
God, that sounded like a sexting reference.
 
I’m an idiot.

She doesn’t seem to
notice.
 
“Yeah, I can do
that.”
 
She pulls out a pen and a
slip of paper from her glove box and jots down her number.
 
When she hands it to me, she says, “Can
I have yours too?
 
If I have any
more panic attacks, it would be nice to have someone to talk to.”

I’m sure I’m
grinning from ear to ear, and when Kendra eyes my dimple, I know I probably
look like an eager boy scout.
 
I
pull my phone out of my gym bag and dial the number she wrote on the paper.
 

A phone rings from
somewhere in her car.
 
She doesn’t
answer.
 
Instead, she says,
“Thanks.
 
I’ll feel better knowing
I can call you if I have another attack.”

“Sure thing,
angel.”
 
I wink at her, slipping my
phone in my bag and closing her door.
 
She starts her car and smiles at me through the window as she’s backing
out of her parking space.

I could look at
that smile all day long.

KENDRA

“Maybe you should
listen to him, Kendra.”
 
Candace is
driving erratically. She is yelling over the loud music spilling from the
speakers and cutting people off as she speeds down Crown Valley Parkway toward
Laguna Beach.

Early autumn is
still quite warm in So Cal, and being able to work on my tan in October is one
of the reasons why I never want to leave Orange County.
 
My mom can choke on that stupid Harvard
application.

“I don’t know why
Nick even cares what I do,” I say.
 
“It’s been almost a month since it happened.
 
Why doesn’t he just let it go?”
 
I am so frustrated.
 
Ever since Nick decided to lay a moral guilt trip on me about preventing
any future attacks by Ryan, that’s all I can think about.

When Candace
doesn’t say anything, I continue.
 
“I mean, who the hell does Nicolás Veneto think he is anyway?
 
This is my decision to make, right?”

Candace
shrugs.
 
“Sure, Kendra.
 
But I think Nick has a point.
 
Ryan is going to think he can get away
with this.
 
Imagine what he’ll be
like in college – and who knows how many times he did this before you?”

I haven’t thought
of that before.
 
I don’t know why I
would think I’m the only one he has drugged and nearly raped.
 
Crap.
 
What if another girl hadn’t been so lucky?
 
What if she had no one to save her from
Ryan?

Nick had been the
one to save me.
 
Nicolás
Veneto.
 
I had been upset with him
since he tried to talk me into having Ryan arrested, but how could I stay mad
at him?
 
The guy practically saved
my life.
 
What the hell would I
have done if that rape test had come back positive?
 
I don’t want to imagine.
 

As it was, my life
had radically changed.
 
I used to
be popular.
 
People liked me. Now,
the whole school thinks I had sex with Ryan and accused him of raping me.
 
Who would even do that?

“Ugh!” I scream in
frustration.
 
“I hate this!
 
Everyone at school is still talking
about me behind my back and calling me a slut.
 
What if I do press charges against Ryan?
 
What then?
 
Then I’ll not only be the slut crying rape, but now I’ll be
the one who sent Ryan away to jail.
 
Everyone will hate me!”

Candace turns down
the radio.
 
At the stoplight, she
faces me and says, “It’s his fault, Kendra.
 
You know that, right?
 
If he gets thrown in jail, he’s getting what he deserves.
 
None of this is your fault.”

“I know, but that’s
not how everyone will see it.”

“Well, what the
hell do you care what everyone thinks?
 
We’re out of here soon anyway.
 
We’ll be off to college, and you’ll never have to see any of these
people again.”
 
Candace steps on
the gas when the light turns green.

She’s right.
 
I shouldn’t care what people think
– not when it comes to something like this – but the fact is I
do
care.
 
Maybe I’m more like my mother than I care to admit.

When we pull up to
Main Beach in Laguna, we find a parking spot quickly, which is amazing.
 
We haul our beach bags out of the
backseat and head toward the shore.
 
The beach is crowded – OC residents try to hang on to summer for as
long as possible – but we find a clearing in the sand and lay out our
towels.

As I am pulling my
shirt over my head, I glimpse a pack of guys hanging out at the volleyball
courts.
 
I see one that I
recognize, and I almost start running.
 
Ryan Morgan is playing volleyball with his buddies.
 
He hasn’t seen me yet, and my initial
reaction is to pack up my stuff and leave.

Candace senses my
hesitation and follows my gaze to Ryan.
 
“Shit,” she says, continuing to undress and sit down on her towel.
 
She looks up at me still standing
half-dressed and paralyzed.

“Kendra, you can’t
stop living your life because of him.
 
Don’t let him have that power over you.
 
C’mon, I want to stay.
 
We just got here.”
 
She must
see the horrified look on my face because then she adds, “But if you really
want to leave, we can drive to Aliso Beach just down the road.”

She’s waiting for
my answer, but I can’t even speak.
 
I am just staring at Ryan having fun with his friends.
 
His bandages are off now, and you would
never know he had been in two fights with Nick.
 
He looks so normal.
 
Like nothing even happened.

Staring at Ryan
playing with his stupid friends, I realize that in all of this mess, he is the
clear winner.
 
He’s the one that
everyone is treating like a victim.
 
I am the one that was shit on.
 
The thought of it all makes me furious.
 

He is carrying on
with his life like he isn’t guilty of almost raping me while I sit in the
shadows, trying to hide.
 
I hate
Ryan Morgan.
 
He took something
from me that night at Jeff’s party.
 
He may not have raped me, but he stole something from me all the same.
 
He stole my dignity.

“Earth to Kendra,”
Candace says, snapping her fingers.
 
“Do you want to leave?”

I don’t want to
leave.
 
I want to stand up for
myself.
 
I want to be a strong
woman and face my attacker with courage.
 
“No.
 
No, I
don’t
,” I say indignantly.
 
“This is a public beach.
 
We’re not going anywhere.”

Candace lies back
and gets comfortable on her towel.
 
“That’s my girl,” she says.

Just as I’m lying
back on the sand, closing my eyes to enjoy the sunshine, I hear, “Candace!
 
Kendra!”
 
My eyes pop open, and I see Megan walking toward us.
 
A nervous-looking Lexi is by her
side.
 
We haven’t all hung out
together since Jeff’s party, and I feel this may get awkward.

Candace leans up
onto her elbows.
 
“Hey, guys,” she
says.

Megan looks
incredible in a strapless, shimmering gold bathing suit top and a sheer black
skirt that is flowing in the breeze.
 
Her golden blonde hair is loose and wavy, blowing off her shoulders and
revealing gold hoop earrings.

Lexi is in a blue
and white maxi dress, wearing oversized, turtle-shell sunglasses.
 
Her platinum pixie cut is sleek, combed
to the side of her perfectly oval face.
 
They look like fashion models, gliding up the beach with effortless
style.

As they reach our
spot, Megan pulls a big, pink towel from her beach bag and spreads it down on
the other side of Candace.
 
Beyond
her, there is another group of beach-goers with kids and beach chairs and
umbrellas.
 
Lexi evaluates the
opening between Megan and the next camp and decides there is not enough room
for her to squeeze in.
 
She looks
to me and to the big space of empty sand to my left, and walks over to my side.
 
She shakes out her towel and lays it
neatly on the sand.

Giving me a
questioning smile, she asks, “Is this okay?”

I shrug.
 
“Sure.
 
Be my guest.”

Megan slides out of
her skirt, folding it and putting it away in her bag.
 
As she starts applying sun block to her already bronzed
skin, she looks over to me.
 
“So
Kendra, I haven’t seen you around lately.
 
I miss you, girl.”

“Yeah, I know.
 
I was sick.
 
I missed some school.”

She smiles.
 
“Well, you look great, doll.
 
I’m glad you’re feeling better.
 
I was starting to think you were
avoiding me.
 
And what’s the deal
with Ryan Morgan?
 
I’ve heard the
rumors.
 
You didn’t really sleep
with him, did you?”

Candace slaps her
arm.
 
“No, she didn’t.
 
He’s a tool.
 
Our girl is smarter than that.”

Megan snaps the cap
on her sun block and slides the tube into her beach bag.
 
“Well, good.
 
I didn’t think so, but you know how people talk.”
 
She lies onto her back and closes her
eyes, still talking.
 
“I don’t know
why you guys didn’t tell me about Nicolás Veneto almost killing him that
night.
 
Where was I?
 
How did I miss that?”

I sigh.
 
I can’t give her any details because I
don’t remember anything but waking up in Lexi’s room the next morning… and Lexi
not telling me about any of it.

I glance over to Lexi
at my side, and all the feelings of betrayal suddenly rush back.
 
She is sitting on her towel hugging her
knees.
 
There’s a worried look on
her face, and I can sense she knows exactly what I’m thinking.
 
Suddenly, she breaks out in a sob.

“Kendra, I am so
sorry!
 
I don’t know how else to
apologize for what I did.
 
I miss
you.
 
Please, forgive me!”
 
Tears start spilling down from behind
her Prada glasses.

Candace places a
hand on my shoulder.
 
“Why don’t
you guys go take a walk and talk about this?
 
It’s been a month now.
 
Lexi didn’t mean to hurt you, Kendra.
 
You have been friends way too long to not give her a second
chance.”

Megan pipes
up.
 
“Yeah, I don’t know what the
hell happened between you bitches, but go kiss and make-up, would you?
 
You’re both driving me crazy.”

I stand and pull my
shorts over my bathing suit.
 
“Fine.
 
Let’s go.”

As I’m getting up,
I eye Ryan.
 
I halt abruptly when I
see him glaring at me.
 
He has a
demented smile on his face.
 
I
can’t help the fear that wells up in me – fear for what that smile might
mean and if I’ll ever find out.
 
I quickly
turn to break eye contact with him.
 
I don’t want anyone to see how weak I am, how he can affect me.

Talking to Lexi
seems like quite possibly the worst idea right now, but I’m already up and
moving, and she’s following me.

Running up behind
me, she yells, “Will you wait up?”
 
I keep my quick pace and march down toward the water.
 
“Kendra!
 
Please slow down!”

I whirl around, and
she almost runs right into me.
 
I’m
upset from seeing Ryan.
 
I’m scared
of him.
 
And seeing Lexi reminds me
of that night and why I can’t trust anyone right now.

“I just don’t
understand, Lexi.
 
Please, explain
it to me.
 
How do you think what
you did was okay?”
 
I turn around
and start walking again, letting the cool Pacific waves hit my ankles.

Lexi keeps up next
to me and hangs her head, staring at our feet in the white sea foam.
 
“It’s not okay.
 
I never thought it was okay.”
 
I barely hear her over the crash of the
waves.

“Then why didn’t
you tell me?”

“I wanted to.
 
I just didn’t know how.
 
I didn’t want to hurt you.”

I laugh at
that.
 
“Don’t you think by not
telling me, you hurt me even worse?”

“I know.
 
Believe me.
 
I know, and I’m so sorry.”
 

We have to walk
deeper into the water to avoid a kid playing Frisbee with his dad.
 
Once we pass them, we walk back up the
sand a bit, and Lexi looks up at me.
 
“I was so scared that night, Kendra.”
 
She pauses a moment, but I know there’s more she wants to
say.