Waiting for Him (Waiting Series Book 3) (12 page)

Chapter Nineteen 

Shelby

      
I can’t believe school is back in session again. I’m seriously not ready for this. I want to rewind time and go back to being with Liam twenty-four-seven. As it is now, I leave shortly after he wakes up and I don’t usually get home until almost four in the afternoon--and that’s on a good day. Fortunately, he has a new nanny, Viv, who stays with him. She’s Sloane’s younger sister and she goes to college online, so this is the perfect job for her. She can do her schoolwork while Liam is sleeping and she makes some extra money. It costs me a fraction of what it would to put him in daycare and I feel better knowing that he’s getting someone’s undivided attention. It’s all good--except the part where I have to be away from my little monkey boy. I can’t believe he’s almost three months old now. He’s getting so big, so fast. I wish I could somehow slow down time.

      Garrett and I have been getting along famously. He takes Liam overnight every Saturday night and brings him home in time for his nap at noon on Sunday. He also stops by to see him during the week on various nights. We don’t have anything concrete scheduled, we’re not that formal. If he wants to come see him, he knows that he has an open invitation. Sometimes, if I’m feeling generous, I’ll even feed him dinner. He’s a fantastic father and I would never keep him from seeing Liam. He and I still have sizzling chemistry together, but we haven’t acted on it at all. I made it really clear to him that I’m not ready to be with anyone.

      I’m still so torn up over Jeff.
God, Jeff.
Who knew it was possible to miss someone with such a painful intensity? I know I didn’t. I think about him all the time. My thoughts are consumed with wondering what he’s doing and memories of our life together. I guess it’s true that sometimes you don’t appreciate what you had until it’s gone.
I ruined us
. I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had. I irreparably hurt the one man who’s always been there for me, whenever I’ve needed him and yet he was willing to forgive me. He still wanted there to be an us, until I pushed him away. I know he walked away from me, but that was his way of doing the honorable thing. He was thinking of what might be best for my son and me. Once again proving to me just how much he actually loves me.

      Regrets.
I have so many where Jeff is concerned, I’m drowning in them. Some people count sheep to fall asleep, I count my regrets. Each night I come to the same conclusion…I’m a horrible person for sleeping with Garrett, and yet I wouldn’t change things if I could go back and relive that night because then I wouldn’t have Liam. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would change how I handled the situation. I would’ve told Jeff right away and he would’ve forgiven me. We’d still be together and I wouldn’t be slowly feeling like my soul is dying without my other half. Why did it take me all of this time to realize what we had? Why was I so hung up on Garrett that I couldn’t see how much deeper my relationship with Jeff was? I placed so much importance on a damn spark, something that can burn out in a fucking second, leaving you with nothing.

***

      The first couple of weeks back at school have been a little rocky, but I made it through. It’s been great seeing Max and Sloane again. We all missed each other the summer and we’ve decided that we’re going to start taking advantage of the fact that Garrett has Liam on Saturday nights and go out for a few drinks. I finally filled them both in on the true identity of Liam’s father and to say they were shocked would be a huge understatement. Once I explained the entire story of our history, they were sympathetic to how tragic our past is. They both agreed to keep what I shared to themselves. I don’t need Melina, and her mean girls crew to find out. Can you even imagine the hell she’d put me through if she knew that Garrett and I had a son together?

      It’s the end of my work day and I’m walking out to my car when I hear my name being called. It’s Garrett, so I pause and wait for him to catch up to me.

      “Hey, is it okay for me to stop by tonight and see Liam? I can come at whatever time works for you.” I nod my head.

“Sure, we’ll be there. Why don’t you come for dinner? I’m making a whole roast chicken and it’s too much for me to eat all by myself.” He touches my arm and looks in my eyes.

      “Are you sure you want company? I can always come over another night.”

      “Yes, come on by. You’ll be doing me a favor by saving me from chicken leftovers for three nights.” He smiles and asks if he can bring anything.

      “No, just yourself. I’ll see you at five-thirty.

      Garrett arrives right on time as usual. He’s punctual by nature and dependable. I can count on him to help out with Liam anytime I need him to. I’m really proud of the father he is to our son. Liam is always in his arms as soon as he’s through the door and they both have matching smiles on their faces. Sometimes I feel bad for keeping him from being with Liam all the time. If I would give Garrett another chance, then the three of us could be a family. I’m not at a point where I’m willing to do that and he hasn’t pressured me to, which I’m thankful for. I’m still missing Jeff, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss Garrett also. I miss what we used to have. I refuse to open up to him and tell him that because I don’t want to give him any false hope. We’re not the same people we were four years ago. As much as I miss the way we were together, I know that things would never be the same. Yes, we still have chemistry and I know that sex with him would be amazing, but emotionally I’ve grown and at this point in my life and for the near future I can’t be in a relationship.

      It feels good for me to be standing on my own two feet for once. I’ve always been involved with a man in some way since I was seventeen years old. After Austin and I had broken up I was with Garrett for those eight months and then the next three-plus years were spent with Jeff. This is the first time that I’m taking care of myself and I’m not using a man as an emotional crutch. I’m proud of myself for this. I know that being happy in a relationship starts with being happy with yourself and that’s what I’m focusing on now.

      Garrett plays with Liam until it’s time for him to have his bottle and go to bed for the night. I’ve been pumping breast milk for the past couple of weeks so that there’s enough for him to have while I’m at work. I warm one of the bottles that was in the fridge and hand it to Garrett who’s already seated in the glider in Liam’s room. He rocks back and forth as he aptly watches our son latch onto the nipple and drink his bottle down. I love to observe the two of them together. Liam looks up at him as if he’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. Garrett lowers his nose to the top of his fuzzy head closing his eyes as he breathes in the intoxicating smell of baby. There’s no scent better than that.

      It’s moments like these when the guilt creeps in and I wonder if I’m a horrible person for not giving Garrett a chance. I’ve never been someone that thought couples should stay together for the sake of their children, but being in this situation gives me a whole new perspective. In spite of my resolution to be strong on my own, I can’t help but wonder if this is fate’s way of saying that Garrett and I were always meant to be together?

***

      It’s the last Saturday night of September, and I’m going out with Hailey, Max, and Sloane. Garrett has Liam overnight so I plan on making the most of tonight. I haven’t gotten dressed up at all since Liam was born, except for that one night that Garrett and I went out to dinner. I’ve lost most of my baby weight and the ten pounds that remain have actually given me some curves I never had before. Since we’re just going to J.J.’s, I decide to wear my favorite skinny jeans and a loose fitting tank that’s my favorite shade of purple. I push a purple and black patterned headband into my hair to keep it out of my eyes and add the diamond earrings my dad gave me for my eighteenth birthday. I remember at the time, he told me that he wanted to make sure that I got diamonds from the one man who had always loved me and always would. I smile as I think about my dad. He’s such a softie when it comes to me. I know it’s because I’m his only daughter, but I also think it has something to do with the fact that I look so much like my mother did. She was only thirty when she passed away. How has he dealt with being alone for so many years? I’m not naive, I know he’s had women in his life that we’ve never met. I’m sure he has women friends he sleeps with. It makes me sad to think that he’s never connected with anyone else on a deeper level since my mom. Not all couples get the storybook ending to their romance and I know this better than most.

      When I arrive at J.J.’s, I immediately make my way to the bar because I know that’s where I’ll find Hailey. Sure enough, she’s sitting there on a stool, talking to Angie, our favorite bartender. Hailey and I have been coming here since we were freshman in college. We both had killer fake i.d.’s so we were able to check out all the bars within the surrounding area of Beacon University. We both decided that J.J.’s was our favorite and our opinion on it hasn’t changed. We still tend to come here on the rare nights we do get together.

      I don’t see any sign of Sloane or Max, so I take the stool next to Hailey’s and lean in for a hug.

      “How are you?” She asks. I feel as though that’s a very loaded question and I don’t know where I should begin? Screw it, tonight is for having fun and I don’t want to think of any of my baby daddy drama or my relationship issues. I just want to have fun. I’m single and young and I’m out with my best friend. Garrett has Liam for the night and I can have a few drinks with my friends and if I get buzzed, it doesn’t matter. What more could I ask for?

      “I’m great. I’m out for the night and I don’t want to think about anything, but having fun.”

      Angie comes over to us with four shots of tequila and a smile on her face. How have you ladies been? I haven’t seen you in ages, but I know how busy it is when you have a newborn baby.” Angie and her husband Guy, have three kids, so she’s speaking from experience.

      “Yeah, I never realized how much free time I had before. It always seemed like I was so busy, but I didn’t know the meaning of that word.”

      “I know right,” Angie says nodding. “I remember having those same thoughts. It’s so life changing when you have a baby, there’s really no way to ever be fully prepared for it. My grandmother used to say, ‘if you wait til you’re ready to have kids, you’ll never have them.’ I definitely think that’s true. I know Guy and I weren’t prepared when we had Josh. Actually, we weren’t prepared with the other ones either.” She giggles. “So Hailey, when are you and that gorgeous hubby of yours going to have a baby?”

      
Hmm, that’s a question I’d like to know the answer to, also.
Hailey shifts on the stool and looks all kinds of uncomfortable before answering.

      “I’m not sure. If he had his way I’d already be knocked up, but I want to wait at least a couple more years. I’d like to be a full-time attorney for a little while before I have to take care of our kids. Cory says he doesn’t want to be an old man when our kids graduate from high school. I told him that I can’t help that he’s eight years older than me. That’s not something that should affect when I’m ready to be a mom.”

      “Well, I’m all for him knocking you up. Then our kids can grow up together and be best friends like we are.” I wink at Hailey, and she shakes her head.

      “Sorry Shelb, as cool as that would be, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Maybe when you’re ready to have another one, I’ll be ready to have my first.”

      “I think that’s going to be a problem since there’s no man in my life. I can’t really get pregnant  when I’m not having sex.” At this confession, both Hailey and Angie lean forward, toward me.

      “Why aren’t you having sex with Garrett? He practically lives with you and he’s hot?” Hailey asks, and Angie’s head bobs up and down in agreement. My palms are suddenly sweaty and I wipe them on my thighs.

      “I don’t want to be with Garrett. I think he’s beautiful and the sex with us would be great, but I’ve realized that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, or even be involved as more than friends. That ship sailed a long time ago and I don’t think that we should try to recapture what we had. It was a small part of my life and I’ve finally moved on from it.” Hailey’s eyes are comically wide and impossibly blue. I know she’s surprised at my confession. Actually, I am too. I haven’t been able to be honest with myself about my changed feelings for him, until this very moment.

      “Have you told Garrett this yet?” Angie asks leaning on the bar.

      “No, not yet. I think he might be having the same doubts or at least I hope he is. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. We’ve settled into a really great friendship. I think he’s probably feeling the same, he just hasn’t verbalized it yet. We need to sit down and have a talk...maybe tomorrow when he drops Liam home.”

      At this point, Angie gets flagged down by a few new customers, leaving Hailey and me alone.

      “What about Jeff?” Do you think there’s any way of salvaging that relationship or would you not want to?” I glance down at the oak bar top. It’s so shiny I can almost see my reflection in it. I wish it was like a crystal ball and staring into it would reveal what the future has in store for me. Everything involving my personal life is so up in the air right now. If I didn’t have Liam and my work I don’t know what I’d do. I probably would’ve already sunk back into a depression.