Unworthy (14 page)

     “How long have you been watching me?” I can’t help but ask as I try to wipe away the last of my tears.

     “Long enough to know you have secrets and that they still hurt you.” I look up to his eyes and I see the compassion that’s held there and I so desperately want him to be the one and only I confide in, but the blackness surrounds me, shouting at me to not be a fool and succumb to Samuel’s charms.

     “Doesn’t everyone?”

     “No, Grace, not everyone, some actually talk.” He gives me an awkward smile and then looks around at the pub we have been parked in front of for, I don’t know how long.

     “Come on, let’s get something to eat.” He opens his car door and I follow suit.

SAMUEL

      We are seated in a quiet area of the pub by one of the many windows and although we are close to the freeway it’s actually quite peaceful. I look towards Grace and I can see the depths of her pain through her eyes and body language. She holds herself quite tight and it’s as if a gust of wind would knock her over. She has gone back to that vulnerable girl I met all those weeks ago and I want to take her by her delicate shoulders and shake it out of her. I know she holds secrets and although normally I wouldn’t give a shit, something in this girl has me standing to attention, begging her to trust me and share with me all that troubles that beautiful head of hers.

     “What’s the matter?” I ask her. She looks up to me with sad eyes and then with a blink it’s as if the pain I once saw is wiped away. Since I met her she has been doing so well and as soon as I mentioned her home town it was as if she did a full one eighty and she has converted herself back to that timid, scared little girl.

     “I’m OK.” But I can see the lie that resides there in her eyes.

     “I don’t think you are sweet cheeks.” She looks at me with an anger I haven’t seen in her since I met her and it makes me feel for her more than I thought was possible. My feelings are growing and growing for her the longer I spend with her and I never want to let her go. I see her look at me in a way that no-one has ever looked at me before, she sees me, actually sees the man I am rather than the man the rest of the world sees.

     “Don’t.” I hear her say. I watch her more closely, as her breathing comes in quicker and her chest rises and falls at a faster speed than what is considered normal.

     “Don’t you dare presume to tell me what you think I’m thinking?” Another deep breath and the sound she makes almost breaks my heart, but I am stronger than that.

     “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

     “Then why don’t you tell me?” I can see the fear in her eyes as she takes in my words and the little beads of sweat that move slowly down the side of her face. I know it sounds a little odd, but I get the sudden desire to lick them away and taste that delectable skin that’s so fresh and clear. She begins to shake her head and I see she attempts to go for her wrist, but stops herself. 

     “You don’t want to know, trust me.”

     “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.” I say in response as I get the feeling that not many people, if any, have ever said that to her. I can tell from the expression on her face that she wants to unload, but is too scared of the reaction, so just keeps it all locked up inside. Does she not know that, that is the worst thing to do? It won’t help her, it will only make her feel worse, but I can tell that to say that to her would be the worst thing to do if I want to keep my manhood.

CHAPTER FIVTEEN

GRACE

     We arrive in Taunton later on in the evening and as we drive through East Street I realize that not a lot has changed. Everything is just the same as when I left, the shops have now closed, but there are still a few people out and about. Couples, people on their own, and when I see the odd family I can’t help, but feel anger towards my own parents for not giving me a normal upbringing as the children run around in circles laughing and giggling with each other while their parents look on with annoyance yet pride. That should have been me; I should have been able to do that. I should have been able to bring pride to my parents’ faces while being carefree, but I wasn’t allowed, I wasn’t given that chance. I rarely let myself think of what I missed out on. My father left and my mother hated me that was what I was dealt, you just have to get on with it, but driving through the familiar town I can’t help, but allow the anger to surface just for a little while. I really hope that no-one will recognize me, how will I explain that to Samuel? That thought alone sickens me and I have to try and fight the bile that threatens to work its way up my throat. I am surprised when we pull into The Castle Hotel. As I was growing up it was considered the best, you only stayed here if you had the money and obviously we didn’t. As Samuel parks the car I notice the outside building still looks as grand as ever and I still can’t quite get over the idea that we will be staying here.

     “We’re staying here?”

     “Yes, is that a problem?”

     “N…no no.” I stammer before I make another attempt to get the words out as I struggle with the thoughts of disbelief that cloud me.

     “No, it’s OK. I…it’s just in this town The Castle was the best hotel around. I guess I’m just shocked at the prospect of staying here.” I look around and I can’t help the smile and I can hear Samuel’s chuckle.

     “What?” I ask, as I look back at his handsome face. Wow, he really is a handsome man. More so than ever when he smiles, I could get lost in that smile and the butterflies it leaves in my stomach, all day. If only. That could never happen, but I won’t let that thought diminish the happy one I get at the idea of staying here, especially with him. I am a lucky girl.

     “You look so childlike at the moment. It’s rare, I like it.” And as he looks me up and down his smile grows, increasing my feeling for him. Is that even normal? Should I feel this way about a man, a man I am supposed to be working for? If I remember history correctly, and I think the nightmares force me to remember it more often than I would care to, then I am a whore and a terrible person for even getting friendly with this man. I am too horrid to be granted happiness, it is my curse that I am sure I will never be freed from and as much as I try to fight it I allow the darkness to consume my every waking moment, forcing me into my own world of madness.  I’m used to it though. I have always lived with these thoughts and to be honest I am used to them, but sometimes the voices speak so loud that they are too hard to ignore and that’s when I seek out my help. That’s when I might harm myself to relieve the voices that plague me all the bloody time, or that’s how it always feels.  I feel a light touch on my cheek and the happy feelings that have been drawn out by all the horrid ones are now rekindling under Samuel’s touch. It surprising me how he manages to do it, but whenever I am in his presence all my thoughts are consumed by him that I want to welcome with opening arms.

     “Where did you go?” I turn to look at Samuel at his gentle voice.

     “What do you mean?” I try to answer with a hint of amusement, but I can tell from Samuel’s look that it hasn’t worked. No matter how hard I try he seems to be able to read me, he knows that I am trying to hide something. He continues to keep his hand on my cheek and his other places mine in his and I watch how his large hand smothers mine as if trying to protect me from harm. I can’t help but wonder if he can protect me from myself, but I have a horrible feeling that it is an impossible role to put him in. I can hear that oh-so-familiar voice reminding me that I am unworthy of that kind of help and that I should just go back to my meaningless life where I can no longer hurt anyone, but I like where I am. I like the feeling Samuel erupts from deep within my soul and I want it to last and heal me as only he can.

     “Don’t be so stupid.” That little voice says inside my head.

     “Do you honestly expect a man like him to want to help someone like you? You’re worthless, remember.” The truth of those words hit me like an earthquake, shattering my world into a mountain of bricks and rubble, unable to be sorted into any sort of normalcy.

     “We’d best go and get checked in.”

     “I think I asked you a question?”  I raise my eyebrows at him as Samuel removes his arms from my proximity and crosses them in front of his chest.

     “Pardon me?”

     “You heard me. Now, answer my question”  I try to look at anything but the cocky bastard sat next to me, but we are still sat in the car and as the minutes go by it becomes harder to do. I shake my head as my breathing comes in quicker and I find it harder to keep myself clam as panic begins to take over my body at our confinement.

     “I….I…I can’t, please just leave it.” I whisper as a lone tear falls down my cheek. I try the handle of the door only to find it locked. I can’t believe it’s locked, but I don’t get a sense of danger so I know that I am not in any immediate danger.  I look desperately into his eyes, imploring him to just leave my past alone, but the look he gives back confirms my fears that this is far from over.

     “I will for now, but I will find out in the end.” He gets out of the car and comes round to open my door and takes my hand and leads me to the entrance to the hotel.

We hardly talk that night in our lavish suite on the top floor.

There is one massive bed that dominates the room and when I first saw it Samuel must have seen the fear that resided on my face because that night he takes the large settee. I have a restful night’s sleep and when I awaken Samuel is already awake with a beautiful breakfast laid out on the table. Again we hardly speak as we both sit at that table, but I can feel Samuel’s eyes boring into me, trying to read my thoughts. I try not to let it bother me, it is of no consequence anyway, I’m not going to give anything away, I am too good at keeping everything in my locked brain.

     Although I am tensed up at Samuel’s constant mind-reading game we have a lovely day. After our breakfast we get into the car and I show him where I went to Primary and Secondary Schools and even though we see them from a distance I can still hear all the taunts from all the other children that I had tried to be friends with.  As soon as we leave my schools the taunts are gone as well and I am left feeling that I am able to breathe again. My lungs are no longer constricted by the pains of my past, but the tight feeling in my chest comes back later on in the afternoon while we are sat in Vivary park enjoying the early summer sunshine as I had done so many times before as a child. We are sat down under a tree watching the many families enjoying the sunshine, there are children running around the green playing with balls and kites when Samuel finally speaks to me.

     “It’s not Central Park, but it’s nice.” I can’t help, but laugh at his statement.

     “Well I’ve never been so I can’t say anything to that I’m afraid.”

     “You’ve never been to New York?”

     “You already know the answer to that, rich boy.” He raises his eyebrows at my pet name.

     “Well not for too much longer.” I don’t get much chance to think on what he has just said as he quickly asks another question.

     “Tell me about your parents.” I can’t, help but go stiff at his words and I know instantly that Samuel feels my reaction. How can I answer that? Well, Samuel, I was such a devil that I drove my father away, leaving my mother all alone to raise me and hate me. I could just see his face of disgust in front of me and I find it harder to breathe at the possibility, but I try as hard as I can to get my words out in the hope of changing the subject.

     “There’s nothing really to say.” I try to turn so I am looking at him with the biggest smile I can muster, but I can see in his eyes that it hasn’t worked.

     “I think there is.” I look away from him only briefly, but that’s all it takes as it happens like my nightmares have predicted so many times before. My skin prickles to attention as my senses become aware of his presence, I look up to the park entrance and I see him walking forward with a girl wrapped in his arms, the same girl that he was with while they both taunted and abused me all those times in the past. I am aware of nothing else as I watch the couple step closer and closer to where Samuel and I are sat. I can feel a lone finger trace a pattern on my arm, but I am not aware of anything else around me, nothing exists except the cold air that is engulfing me within its clutches. I watch their every move and when he sees me my blood turns cold and I can do nothing, but shiver as I hear him speak.

     “Well well well.” I beg with my eyes for him not to say anything but the wicked grin he gives me makes me feel so helpless that I can do nothing, but let him say what he does.

     “If it’s not the town whore and liar.”  I close my eyes at his words and I can feel both theirs as well as Samuel’s eyes watching me for a reaction. I can sense Samuel rise to attention and then he uses a depth to his voice I have never heard before.