Unworthy (16 page)

     “I’m going to make you scream.”

     “You’re a whore, just like your mother.”

     “You walk around school like you’re better than everyone else.”

     “Whore whore whore whore.” I keep deep-breathing, just hoping the burning will go away and with it take his horrible voice. But it’s not just his voice, I can hear another one, one I have fought so long to try and disappear, but she’s come back and she reminds me how sweet a knife can be.

     “It will make it all go away. You know it will.”

     “You know where they’re kept, just get one and make it all better.”

     “Go on, do it.”

     “Do it.”

I am completely unaware of what’s going on around me. I am in a darkness that is so intense there is no way to escape. I don’t even remember where I am, the darkness consumes everything around me and all I can concentrate on are the voices and the need to make everything disappear. I need it, I know I do, the thought of slicing through my skin, making my self feel the hurt of everyone I have ever been around, is consuming me, eating away at my brain like a locust attacking its prey. I need to make the voices disappear, if they go I can control my thoughts better, but they continue to torment me, making it more and more difficult to think of anything else, but the silver gleam of a kitchen knife.

     “Go get one, go on, do it.”

     “The release and pain will be so good. You know it will.”

     “DO IT.” I want to, I so desperately want to slice at my own skin and take away the pain with the flow of my own blood, but something is holding me back, something that still gives me the release I need.  If I can just make do with my band, my faithful band that is always there for me whenever I need it. Just sitting there on my wrist, reminding me that no use will come of listening to the voices that try to control me. Just like that, I place the band between my fingers and feel the snap as it attacks my skin; the release is instant as I repeat my mantra.

     “I don’t need it, go away.”

     “I’m stronger than that. I’m stronger.”

     “Go away.” I keep repeating the words that have been so useful in the past and slowly I begin to remember it was only a dream, Daniel can no longer hurt me, it was only a dream and I become more aware of my surroundings and with that a new voice and gentle touch replace the bad.

     “Grace, wake up, baby.”

     “It’s just a nightmare.”

I don’t know how long he’s been talking to me, trying to get through, but I can hear the pain in his voice as he gently rubs my arm and when I slowly open my eyes his relief and happiness are apparent. This man cares for me and although I don’t understand it, I know he may be able to help me and with that and the beautiful smile that now graces his face I realize that he’s broken down another small layer of my broken heart.

CHAPTER SEVETEEN

GRACE

My breaths are coming in heavy and I want to reach into the depths of my hair and pull each strand until they fall from their roots or just attack my band until my wrist is red raw from the attack.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it, you know you want to.  Why won’t the voices go away? I haven’t heard them in my head for such a long time and now it appears they are back with a vengeance, tempting me with their hypnotizing words. I’m drowning in them and they are suffocating me, taking away the air I breathe and my sense of worth. 

You’re worthless.

No-one wants you around.

Do it.

I want to do as they say, maybe then the voices will go away, but something seems to be holding me back, stopping me from harming myself any further than I ever have and I feel mad and relieved all at the same time. 

     “Are you OK, Grace?” I turn to look at the man who is slowly breaking down all the walls I have built up around my heart, so many walls that would never break and show what lies within.  I had thought those walls would protect me, but I never assumed there would be a man like Samuel in my future. I can’t allow myself to be consumed by him and think he could feel anything similar to how I’m beginning to feel for him. What am I feeling, though? I don’t really think I can quite place a finger on it. It’s so confusing that I can almost feel like I am losing my mind.

     “Grace?” I shake my head to come back into the now at his quiet words.

     “Sorry, what did you ask?” He places both hands on my cheeks so that we are facing each other, blue eyes looking deep into dark grey ones that hold so much concern. He gives me a gentle, almost timid smile.

     “I asked if you were OK”

     “I’m OK.” I say, trying to sound as convincing as possible, there is no way I can tell him about my past, the way he will think of me after will be too awful to comprehend. There is no way I can go back to being that girl again

     “I don’t believe you.”

     “That doesn’t mean anything.”

     “I think it does. I saw the way you were having that nightmare.”

     “I…it wasn’t a n...nightmare.” 

     “I think we both know that it was. Tell me about it.”

     “Look, I don’t normally talk about my past, OK.” Oh God, please let him stop now. I really don’t want to get into it, especially now, but the look he is giving me is telling me anything other than that it’s over. I take in a deep breath.

     “Fine.” Another deep breath and I can feel my hands sweating while my body turns as cold as ice.

     “I’ve always lived with my mother. I don’t think she ever really liked me. I don’t remember much of my father, except us living in a big house with three other girls that were my Father’s other children. His wife was nice, but I’m sure no-one knew I was his daughter. My mum was their maid and then one day it was all different. Apparently my mother believes we were forced out of that house because of me. She never let me forget it and I’ve lived with it all my life. I don’t remember where we all lived, what my father looks like; I could probably pass him in the street and not even know him.”

     “That’s quite the story.”

     “I know, tell me about it.”

     “It doesn’t explain the nightmares.” Samuel raises his eyebrows in a questioning look.

     “You’re right. It doesn’t, except that that is what I dream about.”

     “You spoke about a man called Daniel?”

     “He’s just my stepbrother. He used to pick on me, that’s all. I dream of lots of different things about my father and mother, but sometimes there are other things as well.” He seems to be happy with my answer, thank God. I can’t help, but let out a yawn and as if my eyes have only just opened I realize that it is still dark outside.

     “We have a long day tomorrow; I think I will go to bed.” I slowly get up off the couch and begin to step away from Samuel and towards my comfortable bed until he speaks his next words and I am stopped dead by the fear they conjure up.

     “This conversation isn’t over. I know there’s more to the story.” I don’t turn around to look at him because if I do I will fall down the hole of my horrors and tell him everything that has ever happened to me. That might not be so bad, it would mean he wouldn’t keep asking me questions, but the thought of that actually makes me feel sad. What’s that all about? It doesn’t make sense. I have never been like this before with another human being, let alone a man of such beauty that bewitches my mind, entrapping me within his world without letting me go.

     “Good night, Samuel.” And with those words I make my way to my bedroom and close my door so that I can get some space from him. As soon as the door is closed I lean against it and slowly allow my legs to collapse from beneath me, allowing me to fall on the soft carpet while my mind is racing with thoughts of the bloody man. He’s invading every thought, turning me into someone I never thought I would be. I slowly get up and my feet are still unsteady as I begin to undress and get into my comfy pajamas, the ritual I use trying to force the thoughts of Samuel from my mind. But as hard as I try it doesn’t seem to work, nothing seems to work, and I have no idea why and that’s more annoying than anything. When we are together he consumes my thoughts, when we are apart he consumes my thoughts like he’s a damn infestation of my entire mind and body.  The whole thing is maddening and I really don’t know what to make of it. The strangest thing of all is how I reacted once I woke from my nightmare. That wasn’t normal, normally I would have woken up in such a state I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a week, but right now, even though it’s scared me and made me think of that horrible day all over again, I actually feel quite calm. The last time I dreamed of him was before I moved to London and it seems quite certain that the only reason I dreamed of it today is because I saw him. I can still feel the sickness and the prickles all over my skin whenever he is near me, but Samuel is a calming influence. How can that be? I feel so confused and as I lie in the comfortable bed I just can’t relax enough to manage sleep. 

SAMUEL

I watch her walk away from me with so many unanswered questions.

Why does she always walk away?

No-one ever walks away from me, but she is doing everything that no-one would ever consider and it makes me love her more.

I am in love with her. It sounds so nice in my head that I want to be able to fucking shout it from the roof tops, but I know that isn’t possible. There is no way Grace is ready to hear me say the words I so desperately want to tell her, but I can wait. She is worth the wait and I will wait forever if it means I get to spend even a small amount of time with her the way I want. Now that I have found her I’m not going to lose her. After our little talk I need to speak to my uncle again, that is the first time she has ever delved into her past and I think in her own little way she just confirmed what I believe. Although I don’t know how she will take the news once we tell her. We will have to be so careful when we tell her, this will change her life. Hopefully change her life for the better; she has obviously had a rough life I just only wish she would trust me enough to tell me what happened. I would bet a day’s earnings that it all has something to do with the guy we met at the park earlier today and I am sure his name is Daniel.

But what did he do to her?

What are her secrets?

How can I get her to trust me enough to tell me and help her?

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

GRACE

      The next day even though I haven’t slept I get up early. The night before, even though I tried, I couldn’t get the image of Daniel out of my head. The way he looked that night, the way he touched me relived in my head as if it were happening right there and then every time I closed my eyes and let the darkness in. I hadn’t had a nightmare like that in such a long time and I had kind of forgotten how scary and powerful they are. When I eventually get the courage to get up and face Samuel I step out of my room and am face to face with Samuel with a towel wrapped around his waist and his chest glistening with beads of water. Beads that are very slowly working down his hard chest that is inviting me to lick with my tongue.