Unworthy (17 page)

Where did that thought come from?

Why is he doing this to me?

     I don’t like the emotions that he is erupting like a volcano deep inside me. I don’t know why, but I can’t take my eyes away from him, I envisioned before what he would look like without a shirt on but looking at him now my past thoughts did not do him justice. The man is ripped like a god, just standing there with so many muscles sculpting his chest. As I look up and down his chest, taking him all in, memorizing him so I would always have this vision, I notice he has a nipple bar in his left nipple.

WOW.

I bet that would be fun to play with - and there goes another stupid thought. Maybe I should just leave now while I can still leave with my sanity in tact. Over that same nipple and going over his amazing pecs and to and around his shoulder is an arrangement of black lines in different patterns. Some are thick and as long as the whole tattoo, others just appear to be thin and small, but the whole thing as one is simply a work of art as it sits in contrast to his winter-pale skin. I find I am drawn to look at the tattoo, that I can’t look away until I hear a cough and I remember where I am. I feel myself blush as I look up into Samuel’s face and I can see his smirk.

     “Would you like to take a picture? It might last longer.” And the bastard laughs, he actually laughs as he awaits an answer from me, but I have nothing to say. I’ve been caught staring and he knows the effect he continues to have on me.

Why must he always have the upper hand?

It’s as if he is always one step in front of me and reading my thoughts so he knows exactly what to do to unravel me. I can feel those eyes roaming my body and the smirk he gives me confirms that he is confident with me seeing him like this. It makes me sick at how over-confident he is.

     “I….I wasn’t.” I take a breath as I try to look away from him, if I do that I might be able to regain some sort of control.

     “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I attempt to move away from him, but he grabs my hand in a firm hold.

     “Perhaps you would feel less uncomfortable if I saw you in a towel?” He raises an eyebrow and places his arms across his stomach to block my view, but all I can think of are his words. Why on earth would he say that to me, I’m too fat to be seen in just a towel? He’s mocking me; he’s trying to make me give in so he has the chance to laugh at me further.  Oh my God, he makes me so mad. For the first time in my life I want to hit him and knock the smile right off his face. Well, I’m sorry, rich boy. I may be many things, but I am not stupid. I take a deep breath and remove his hold on my arm and with that I turn away from him and continue my journey to the sitting area to place my order for breakfast.

Well done, Grace that told him. Oh God, who am I trying to kid? Because it’s definitely not telling me anything except that I am being too consumed and easily affected by him.

This whole situation is so maddening.

We eat breakfast in complete silence and although I am mad at myself for reacting the way I did to him and his beautiful naked chest, I am even more annoyed at him and his stupid words. But I can’t help, but feel comfortable in his silent presence. That would never have really happened before, even with someone of the same sex. It’s crazy how Samuel is beginning to affect me so.

It’s annoying and frustrating is what it is, but I am kind of enjoying it. I have to shake my head to get rid of those silly thoughts as Samuel dabs at his mouth with his napkin and I instantly feel envious of the stupid thing. So what if it is so close to his mouth, so close that if it were me I would have been able to feel his breath on my skin, feel my skin come alive in goose bumps as his breath sets fire to my skin lighting it in a force so strong I wouldn’t be able to resist?  I could quit easily, reach over and feel those full lips against my own as I take control and kiss what I want.  

What I want? Did I want him? Of course you do, you stupid cow, who wouldn’t? You would have to be a complete fool not to realize what a catch you have in front of you, but the truth of the matter is that no matter how much I want him he wouldn’t want me. The only reason he said what he said earlier was so that he had a reason to laugh at me, just like everyone else. My feelings like so many others are best kept under lock and key where no-one will ever find them. The repercussions of the world finding out would be so soul-destroying for me that I fear I would never recover. I know that I would never recover from it and it is best to keep every thing locked up where they can never hurt me again. I hear Samuel cough from his position at the other end of the table. I look up at him and for the first time that day I take a really good look at him and realize he is wearing a dark grey suit that matches his eyes perfectly and fits him just as much. His black tie in contrast to his white shirt makes me want to rip them from his body and have him use them on me. To have him tie me up with that black material making me completely vulnerable to his every whim, making my knickers feel damp as I can’t help, but think of all the things he could do to me.

     Why on earth am I having thoughts like that? After what happened all those years ago you would think to be controlled would be the last thing I would want. It should be the last thing I want and as much as I know that to be true I can’t help, but know that I would be safe in Samuel’s care. I can’t take these thoughts any longer, they are so confusing, and I can’t get my head around them. I can’t help, but notice the strong reaction I have to him, pulling me towards him as if he has thrown a rope around me and is dragging me back towards him, making me completely unable to stop him. I don’t like feeling like this, feeling powerless around him is something I never want to feel again, but every time I am in Samuel’s presence the pull only seems to get stronger.  I shake my head in any way to get all those thoughts that consume me out of my head but they merely laugh at my attempts and all I want to do is hide away, to cry and control the need to hurt myself.

SAMUEL

I can’t sleep.

Why am I always trying to get a reaction out of her?

I am being a bastard, but deep down I hope it will help her open up a bit more. She is a closed book and I just want to know more about her, but she just doesn’t give anything away. I think it must be around four in the morning when I decide to phone my uncle. With the time difference it will only be around eleven so I know it is a safe time.

     “Hello”

     “Uncle, its Samuel.”

     “Samuel, my boy, how’s it going?” I can hear him sigh as he contemplates asking me his much-needed question.

     “Have you anything? Have you found her?”

     “I think I may have something. I’ve met a girl, she works for the company. The picture you sent me, she looks remarkably like that woman.”

     “Oh my God. Are you sure?”

     “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to find out much about her, although she did tell me that she remembered a little about her father. Her mother told her they were kicked out because of her. Before that she briefly remembers living in a nice house with three other girls and another woman. Then it all went wrong and she just lived with her mother who didn’t really like her new situation.”

     “Do you know her name?” I can hear my uncle’s voice crack with emotion. Just like my father they are both men who seldom show emotion except around their family, and rarely at that.

     “I could have someone look into her, find out more about her.”

     “I think that might be a good idea. There is only so much I can do from here and we will be going to Spain in a few hours.” I can hear a sudden relaxed tone to his breathing.

     “Your father and I are very proud.” To hear him say those words is something I have always longed for and I can’t help, but feel pride at the fact that I am hearing that word more and more from the two men I can only hope to be like.

     “You are doing so well over there.” I feel my eyes well up with unshed tears at his words. Why, I have no idea. I never allow myself to be affected by things, which is why I am so affected by my feelings for Grace. From day one I could feel a force drawing me to her like a moth to a flame and I am powerless to stop myself. To be honest, I don’t really want to stop myself, but back then I just assumed that was because I wanted to get Grace in my bed. Not any more, I want more; I want a life with the woman I love. A woman who is nowhere near as ready to hear about my love for her and the future I see with her as I am to give up. Samuel Harding always gets what he wants and I will work every day to make sure she knows how much I love her and how I want to spend the rest of my life with her and only her.  

     “Samuel, are you still there?”

     “Samuel?”

      I can hear my uncle’s voice getting closer and closer to bringing me back from my thoughts that are making me so happy. I have a long way to go till I can be as happy as that for real and I will work to get it. Something tells me that Grace deserves happiness more than any other person I know.

     “Samuel.”

     “Sorry, uncle, I’m here.”

     “Are you OK? You seemed to have zoned out there for a while.”

     “Sorry, I’m fine; I was just distracted by something.”

     “Could that something be the same thing we have been talking about?” I can never keep anything from my uncle. Even as a boy my uncle was the one who knew when something bothered me and could be the only one to get me to talk about it, but not this time. I want my love for Grace to be just between us. I need to let her now my feelings for her gently so as not to scare her and the last thing she needs are for my family to tell her. That is what would happen if I told my uncle my feelings and to be honest I don’t think I could handle my sister’s constant nagging.

     “Samuel.” I can hear him laughing as he tries to get the words out.

     “Whoever she is, she has got to you.” His laughter gets louder and although it torments me I can’t help the smile at what his laughter signifies.

     “Goodbye, uncle. Sleep well.” And with that I put my cell back on the coffee table.

     How can I make Grace see how I feel about her without scaring her away? I can see it in her eyes as soon as something happens she isn’t comfortable with she runs away from it. She will not be running away from me, I won’t allow her to know that I have found her. I won’t be giving her up for anything. She has run away from everything in her past and I’m sure that it has a lot to do with her mother or that dick we met yesterday. If they have hurt my Grace I will hunt them down and make them pay. I can see all the emotions play on her beautiful features as she struggles with everything that is going on inside her head and all I want to do is make it better for her, but I have no idea how until she trusts me enough to tell me and I don’t see that happening any time soon. It doesn’t matter. I have all the time in the world and the best thing is Grace will be by my side.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

GRACE

     I am in a complete daze after breakfast, I’m not even aware of when we get on the private jet. I have never left Great Britain, so to fly feels so alien that I just blank out over the whole journey. It is hard to rein in the panic that threatens to take me over, but at least for now the voices have gone, making me feel somewhat normal again.

     We arrive in Spain and spend the next few weeks there. We travel around in a fancy soft-top car, going from place to place viewing lots of land. While driving on the first day we arrive Samuel tells me how all the local communities have been told that there is interest in the area and that there is an intention to make a hotel and they’ve begun to find locals who can help with the work a new hotel will bring. They have got everything ready to go for when a plot is chosen. I guess you can’t expect anything less from Samuel’s family. The Harding’s have been told by lawyers that there were mixed reactions from the locals, but they have given their permission, so whichever land Samuel chooses he will be good to go to get the ball rolling. He looks so excited about it. Watching him drive with his sunglasses in place, with his hair blowing in the wind, he looks so carefree. It is so nice to see him like that after all the stress I have put him through these last few days. It seems to happen as if like magic, as soon as I left Taunton I began to feel so much better. I still have a small need to hurt myself, but it is nothing that my band can’t help me with. The little voice in the back of my head has become a distant memory. There is still the fear that it will come back, but for now it is gone and I feel more relaxed than I have done in a long time. I don’t know if that is to do with Samuel or my new surroundings, but I am trying to embrace them and enjoy my time. We view lots of different lands. Samuel has a clear idea of what he is looking for and after a week we travel back to just outside Barcelona where we viewed the first area. I watch as Samuel signs on the dotted line. The plot is now under the Harding name and Samuel’s smile is as big as a cat’s who just got the cream. I can’t help, but notice how childlike he looks in his happiness. He looks so cute and adorable which is so different from his normal demeanor. The strong-willed alpha male is now reduced to a little boy and I can’t melt any more than the puddle I now am. He has the proofs all ready. His father and uncle know exactly what they want and they want each hotel in Europe to be the same, except for a few things. The plans are amazing. There will be so much room and the opportunity for jobs will be great for the local community without too much damage to the local area. It appears that the Harding dynasty is just as worried about the local environment as the locals they will become neighbors with.

Within a few days of the contract being signed we are surrounded by contractors and local builders who begin to start building. We stay there a few days as building gets under way, just to make sure everyone knows what they are doing and then make our way to the next plot of land, which happens to be in Italy. Samuel apparently misses his car so we drive across Spain towards the border with France.

It is beautiful, that is the only way to describe it, and just being able to stare at Samuel every day is just perfect. He looks amazing sat behind the wheel, and all I can do is sit and watch him, every now and then just turning away to view my surroundings so as not to give my game away. The last thing I need is to let Samuel know I am getting more and more affected by him, but every now and then I just see his grin as he catches me staring at him. Oh dear God, he is onto me and if I’m not careful he will have me declaring my love before we even get into Italy. I can’t allow that to happen, I can’t fall for someone to just have him turn around and laugh in my face. We may be traveling in a car, but we stop every night to sleep so I know how rough I look. I’ve always known I’m nothing special, my mother always made sure to remind me anyway, but even without that I know I am nothing special.

Too plain.

Too boring.

Too damaged and not worthy of happiness.

I knew that is me and I have always been happy with that, but then Samuel Harding walked into my life, turning it upside down. The more time I’m spending with him, the more I am finding out he is more than what I or the world ever thought he was. I already knew a little about his family, the image of a little Samuel being mothered and picked on by his sisters and cousins warms my cold heart. He doesn’t have many friends. Growing up, whenever anyone ever tried to befriend him it always ended up with them wanting something from him and it hasn’t gotten better as he’s gotten older.

It began, of course, with his school peers wanting his friendship for protection or popularity and they got worse as they went up to high school. By then it wasn’t just the boys it was the girls as well, who all wanted a piece of the Harding name.

     As he tells me his story I can’t help, but feel sorry for him, how sad to feel so alone that you can’t trust people’s motives for getting close to you. I don’t tell him, I would never tell anyone, but I have an inkling of what it is like. I can’t trust people because I just don’t know what they would do to me or what lies they would start up, so it is just easier to keep away from everyone else. So, yes, I kind of know what he is talking about when he describes to me about feeling like he is alone, that no-one understands what he is going through. His siblings and cousins do in a way, but they are all girls. His uncle is his constant support; he can tell his uncle things that he would never tell anyone else. He loves his entire family, they are all close, but there is always something special about his uncle. As the only heir of the family his father could be strict, not in a nasty way, but just enough to let Samuel know what is expected of him or how annoyed he’d become if Samuel did something wrong. But his uncle is always there if he needs him. He didn’t attend a private school, his parents wanted him to see what everyday life and people are like. He did make the odd friend, the few people who he could relate to or have the same things in common with and they are still friends to this day. He attended college where he took business studies and all the while he worked at the family business, learning all he needed to know. Of course, now he is getting groomed to take over and he is excited and nervous to embrace his future. The only thing he never sees happening is meeting a woman. My heart stops beating as I feel his eyes look at me, as I take in his statement.

He can’t mean me?

Of course he doesn’t mean you, stupid cow. You’re talking about Samuel Harding, the man can have anyone he wants and you are just you.

You’re worthless, remember.

A waste of space.

How could I forget? I always have my mother’s cold voice reminding me every day, tormenting me with everything everyone else said to me, but being with Samuel away from my usual surroundings is almost making me forget. It is as if his mere presence is comforting and protecting me like a blanket from the harsh wind of people’s voices. With Samuel by my side I feel like I can cope with anything. He is slowly healing my twisted mind, making me more normal.

I want to be normal.

The amount of times I wished or prayed as a child that I could just be normal and that my mother could love me.

     I longed for at least just one friend, someone to share my journey with, but I long ago released that. That is something I am not worthy of. It crushed me back then, but as I grew into a teenager I slowly came to terms with it and just decided it was better for myself just to keep everyone out.

To not let anyone in. And that’s what I have done ever since, till now. I’ve been finding over the last few days, especially now while being in such close proximity with this male, that he is melting away my reserve like a damn glacier on a warm day. I can feel the liquid as it goes down my leg, pooling at my feet, taking all my hardness with it. My hardness, my very protection from the outside world is disappearing from me and I can’t do a thing about it because it’s out of my control. I’ve lived with control around my whole life, for so long that the thought of it no longer being there as my support mechanism is too scary to comprehend.  

SAMUEL

     To say I like to drive is an understatement. To feel the wind blowing through my hair and views before me become more beautiful the further we go is amazing. As a small boy I was always well-traveled. but it has always been a dream to drive through parts of Europe and I am doing it with the woman I love. She keeps herself pretty silent while she sees the view before her and listens to me talk. She manages a few words every now and then - she hasn’t seen or heard from her mother since she left for London and as far as I can see that makes her happy. She has big dreams of a career which she tells me I have helped her with. She wants to own her own home and with each word that falls from her lips I can see her whole face light up. It is the first time I have really seen her so happy and although she tries to hide her past away from me, from the brief conversations and her reaction to her home town and that guy I can tell that her past is bad. She appears to just be so sad all the time and I want to change that, but I have a long way to go. I need to let her know that she can trust me with her past and her future, that I won’t hurt her.

Finally we make it to the outskirts of Venice where the plot of land greets us. When we get there we are met by an old Italian, who greets us both with a firm handshake. That is good, I’ve always been told to shake a man’s hand firmly, that it shows character and strength, and I always look at that as an adult.

     The plot is even better than the pictures I have seen; it is the land that my father and uncle are more interested in due to its situation. I sign on the dotted line and within minutes I am on the phone making sure we can get development underway.

     Within a few days the ball is rolling and Harding Industries will, within the next two years, be the owners of two new hotels. They aren’t just hotels though. There will be a lavish spa and entertainment village, the ground floor will consist of shops and restaurants and we are already underway with filling all the units. It will be amazing for the company and I was proud when my father and uncle asked me to head it up. We have already done the same once in London and it is a huge success.

     A week later things are going well with both plots. Both my site managers are happy with what they are doing and time seems to have flown by. Within a few days we will be boarding the company jet going back to New York. I have spoken so much of Grace whenever I spoke to family since leaving New York that I am finding I just want to introduce her to them. I just pray they won’t scare her off. She is so scared all the time that I know she will jump at my family’s overboard tendencies and then with my family comes the world’s press. I am thanking the Gods that they haven’t already seen me and leaked photos, but I know the moment I am back on American soil they will hunt me down and devour us both.

CHAPTER TWENTY

GRACE

Before I know it we are into the last week of July.

I am waking in the mornings so happy, it is as if I have been given a new lease of life and I am embracing it with both hands. I no longer feel like the scared timid girl I once was only a few short months ago. I am growing with confidence, as if the weekend in Taunton never happened. I am just growing with the strength my new role and friendship are giving me. I feel so happy and relaxed and I only hope that the little fear I have in the back of my head, that it will all come crashing down, is just that, a fear. Samuel won’t allow me time to dwell, this morning when he tells me we are spending the weekend in Venice.

      Samuel has someone meet us to pick up the car where we board a boat and are taken into the heart of Venice. Old buildings and water surround us and it is just beautiful to look at. The smell I assumed would greet us is non-existent. The hotel we are to stay in is simply beautiful, and right in the heart of the city. It is as if I have just stepped foot in a fairy tale. We spend a day and a half visiting all the sights that Venice has to offer, we even go on a gondola ride. The whole time I am there I am made to feel like a princess and that lasts well into the Saturday evening meal. Samuel has arranged for us to have a meal at the hotel on the balcony looking out over the water. At any other time I would have panicked, thinking it was too grand a gesture. The kind of gesture someone would do for the one they love, but I know Samuel doesn’t harbor such feelings for me. That’s why, for once I allow myself to have a little fun. We are friends after all and it has been such a remarkable few months that Samuel deserves to have me relax just a little and enjoy what he is trying to do for me. The balcony has no romantic overtones to it, there is still light around so we can see each other and our food.