Unworthy (12 page)

     “Am I right in remembering you’re without a cell phone?”

     “I have a mobile” He rolls his eyes at me.

     “I know that, but you said it wasn’t for calls.” This is so embarrassing, how can I explain to a man who has as much money as Samuel does that I can’t afford credit. There is never anyone that I would want to talk to anyway; no-one wants to talk to me so why spend money on something when I could put it towards my mortgage.

     “What’s the matter, Grace?”  I take in a breath while watching him continue his staring match and no matter how many times he does it; it still leaves me uneasy, but tingly all over.  

     “I couldn’t afford it, OK.” He watches me the entire time with his head held high and once I have confessed he lowers it as if he has just understood me.

     “Come on.” In a flash he takes hold of my hand again and leads me to a black cab where he asks the driver to take us to Oxford Street. I can feel his eyes watching me, trying to read my thoughts, but there’s nothing to read anyway so I don’t know why he is even bothering.

     “Why do you keep watching me?” I can’t help, but ask nervously.

     “I think there’s a lot to know about you. A lot that you don’t like sharing with people.” I focus on the window as I can feel his eyes assessing me, but he doesn’t say anything else as the cab takes us to our destination. Once there, Samuel takes me through all the people to one of the most expensive phone shops I have ever heard of. As much as I try to decline him he doesn’t give up and I end up leaving the store with the most expensive phone that they had. It’s ridiculous, I don’t need the darn thing, I didn’t need the earrings which are burning a hole in my bag, but he insisted and when he does that it’s very hard to say no.  I will give Samuel his due, when he wants something he’s persistent and he gets what he wants. The bastard.

      We make our way back to the office where I watch Samuel give a meeting to everyone to let them all know what has happened and they all seem surprised, many just seem to be grateful that they can keep their jobs. Samuel controls every room he enters and he conveys so much power and confidence that it is overwhelming. He’s a sight to be seen while he is in his element and you can tell he is enjoying every moment of it. We spend the next couple of weeks sorting out the business and getting it back on track, two weeks in and Samuel officially announces the job roles that are now needing to be filled. The applications come rolling in and together we go through them all. During this time I get to know Samuel quite well.

     He’s the only son of both the owners of the business and is obviously the only heir. It appears that he has a very close family and I feel envious as he describes his family. The love he holds for each member comes out in waves as he talks about them and his face lights up. He has a mother and father, his uncle has been married twice. The first wife died not long after Samuel was born and the second he divorced soon after they returned from him working in London. He has three sisters who each have a husband and children and the same for his three cousins. There’s a six year age gap between him and the younger daughter, but you can tell from the way he speaks of them they all get on well with each other, even if there are times they don’t all see eye to eye. As he talks of days out, holidays or parties it is always as a big family group, they never did anything unless they all did it together and to have grown up in such a family must have been overwhelming, but nice. It’s still the same now he has told me, but then he really surprised me by saying I would find out myself soon enough. I don’t know what he meant and the scary thing is I don’t do what I would normally do and go into panic and stress mode, I actually like the idea of seeing a normal family. While he was younger he would get teased by his siblings and cousins that he was the favorite just because he was a boy. The very idea that a group of teenage girls would chase a tormented five year old Samuel around until they could clothe him up like a girl practicing their make up techniques on him has me laughing so much that I’m sure I almost pee myself. I never had siblings myself so to hear what Samuel and his got up to puts my hopes up that there is such a thing as a happy perfect family. My own family is anything but, but what Samuel is describing and as much as I have always thought that I was OK with what I was dealt with I am beginning to realize that mine are far from happy or perfect and I long for what Samuel had growing up. How maddening is that? To wish for a life you can never have, for a childhood you can never get back. It is useless, but even so I still enjoy listening to Samuel. The way his lips move is mesmerizing and I can slowly feel myself being pulled further into the Samuel effect. His grey eyes tell me what he is thinking even with no words being said, he is happy to tell me his stories, stories that I can tell he rarely tells anyone else, but he thinks enough of me to choose me. As the weeks slowly go by I am beginning to realize that he is far away from the rich boy I had irrationally thought of him as. He is so much more than that, he is kind and thoughtful and I find myself enjoying spending my time with him. The only future I have ever thought of is a work or bricks and mortar home, I never once saw myself with a man I loved or who loved me. A family of my own was never anything I felt I deserved so I would keep it to the back of my mind, but the more time I spend with Samuel, the more he is bringing those very thoughts to the surface and making me think of those things with Samuel by my side. I had never thought that would be anything I would ever envision myself doing before and although the thoughts are scary I can’t help, but be hopeful that they will one day happen. As much as I try to allow these thoughts to rule my head as well as my heart there is always that little voice deep within me that reminds me of how bad I am.

That I don’t deserve to be happy, that I am unworthy

Soon we have all the roles filled.

Samuel seems far less stressed and more relaxed as we go through each new person’s training sessions. As I look at each schedule I feel so bad for each of them, their training is so intense, but Samuel assures me that once trained they will be prepared for their new roles. There is a complete change in the atmosphere at work, everyone seems more relaxed and calm, and it is like working in a completely different building. Everyone seems happy and I find for the first time in what feels like a life time - which I suppose in a way it is - I am happy as well. Over the last few weeks I have been waking after a good night’s sleep completely refreshed and daring to get into work and see what the day has in store for me. I am becoming more confident in my abilities to do the job that Samuel asks of me and I have even started to speak with a few of the other girls in the office. They are all so nice it makes we wonder why I have always shied away from people; it isn’t nearly as scary as I have always feared it would be. I am beginning to look in every mirror I see and see a different person staring back at me. It is refreshing not to see the scared timid girl that would normally greet me and I can never stop the smile spread on my face. I am sure Samuel can tell I am changing, he looks at me with a massive smile on his face and he touches my hand or my arm more often as if he thinks I will be more accepting of his advances. I am in my own little way, my feelings for him as I get to know more about him are becoming more intense and I dread the day he will move back to America. I will miss him terribly, but the thought of anything more still scares me enough to not allow my feelings to develop. The effects of losing him with more emotions involved would be even worse and still a part of me can hear those oh-so-familiar words telling me that I am unworthy and no-one like Samuel will ever have feelings for someone like me. I am doing so well that I try hard to ignore those horrible little noises and I am so busy with work that I never really have time to dwell on my old insecurities.

     We are coming into the last week of April and everything within the business is going so well. It is the Friday morning and I am showing the ropes to a new intern that has just started when my mobile starts to ring. As I pick it out from the confines of my pocket I can see the words Rich Boy staring me in the face.

     “Hello, Samuel.”

     “Grace could you please come to my office.”

     “I’ll be there in a minute.”  I quickly put my mobile back into my pocket and look back at the scared face that is looking at me. I give her a comforting smile as I place a hand on her shoulder.

     “You’ll be OK. Why don’t you carry on with this and I’ll be back later to see how you’re doing.” She gives me a timid nod as I turn to go to Samuel’s office. When I step into his domain he looks as powerful as ever with just a small hint of nerves. I can’t help, but wonder what would have him nervous, the man I am used to never lets his nerves show, he is always so in control of his emotions, but he gestures for me to sit and once I do he begins to talk.

     “Grace, as I’m sure you already know the business is doing really well, far better than I hoped. With that in mind my father and uncle would like me to go to Spain and Italy to take a look at some land we would like to buy. I would like you to come with me.” I watch as he takes in a deep nervous breath and at that moment I would do anything to help him.

      “OK, so I... um.” Oh my, this is nervous Samuel and he’s so adorable, I’ve never seen a man like this before and it makes me laugh.

     “I’m glad you find this funny.” He tries to give me a firm look and then takes in another nervous breath.

     “I also need to go back home for a couple of days. As you will be with me for Spain and Italy you may as well come with me. My family would like to meet you.” His family want to meet me, oh God, I’m not prepared for that and I feel the sickness rear its ugly face as my body becomes far too hot, but Samuel can see my unease as his next words comfort me.

     “Don’t worry, Grace, they’ll love you. You’re a very lovable person.” Samuel looks at me as if he expects me to agree with him, but I could never do that, it would be like living a lie that would send me to the fiery depths of hell.

     “We leave after the weekend, but before then I have a surprise.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

GRACE

     “Where are we going?” I ask Samuel as we drive further away from the city. The concentration on his face as he drives leaves my knickers a little damp and I have no idea why. I mean, obviously the guy is handsome and over the last few weeks I have learnt so much about him that I feel like I know him, as in I could see what makes him tick and it’s amazing to see. I can see the bones and veins in his hands as he steers the car and I can’t help, but continue to watch his large manly hands control the large yet beautiful machine.

     “Driving on the left. It’s so crazy.”                                                                                      

     “Only for you.” I say as I give away a little giggle and I watch as Samuel glances over at me with an annoyed look.

     “Would you like to drive?” I quickly turn to look away from him and to the door window and I can see the beautiful countryside pass us by. It does look beautiful with the blossoming color of green everywhere you look.

     “Please, Samuel, where are we going?”

     “Miss Grace, you’re so quick to beg.” He looks over at me again and I rustle within the confines of my belt and chair as I feel my body heat from within myself from his words.

     “No quick reply. Interesting.”

     “Oh my God, you’re so annoying.”

     “That’s me, sweet cheeks. That’s why you love me.”

     “You’re mad.” I say, as I shake my head and all I can hear is his laughing. To be so confident must be so nice but, man; it’s bloody annoying when you’re on the receiving end. I always seem to be on the receiving end of something and now I am on Samuel’s, although if I am honest it’s kind of nice being there, being so close to him. I can’t help, but shake my head again as I think how stupid I am, you’re allowing yourself more heartache, you silly cow. Stop it now before you succumb completely and lose yourself to him.

     “Where are we going, Samuel?” 

     “Where are we going? I don’t like surprises.”

      He still doesn’t answer me and he turns off at a junction and we leave the motorway, going further into the countryside for another twenty minutes until we get to a pebbled road which leads us to a massive field with small planes dotted around. There are two sheds situated together just in front of where Samuel parks the car.  Samuel unbuckles his seat belt and opens his car door and gets out walking around the front of the car and I can see his muscles flex through his light clothing as he moves with grace and strength. He reaches my door and opens it and he looks down at me with that cheeky grin of his. I can’t help, but look at the way his whole face just seems to light up as he does it. He takes my hand and the fire shoots up my entire arm, heating my body as it travels through every vein that holds my blood and leaves me breathing more heavily than normal.