Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (7 page)

C
INCINNATI
D
RY
C
LEANER
S
ENTENCED IN
S
UIT

High-Speed Train Could Reach Valley in Five Years

FISH LURK IN STREAMS

KEY WITNESS TAKES FIFTH IN LIQUOR PROBE

J
APANESE
S
CIENTISTS
G
ROW
F
ROG
E
YES AND
E
ARS

S
UICIDE
B
OMBER
S
TRIKES
A
GAIN

DONUT HOLE, NUDE DANCING ON COUNCIL TABLE

P
OLICE
N
AB
S
TUDENT WITH
P
AIR OF
P
LIERS

MARIJUANA ISSUE SENT TO JOINT COMMITTEE

Girl Kicked by Horse Upgraded to Stable

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN TEN YEARS

C
OURT
R
ULES
B
OXER
S
HORTS
A
RE
I
NDEED
U
NDERWEAR

Nuns Forgive Break-in, Assault Suspect

ELIMINATION OF TREES COULD SOLVE CITY'S LEAF-BURNING PROBLEM

We're always amazed by the creative way people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, etc. That's why we've created Uncle John's “Stall of Fame.”

H
onoree:
Henry Pifer, a truck driver from Arkansas

Notable Achievement:
Standing up for the rights of workers who are sitting down…you know where

True Story:
In June of 1999 Pifer was hit by a coworker's truck while he was at work. His injuries were serious enough that he had to take time off from his job, so he applied to the state Workers' Compensation Commission for benefits…and was turned down. Reason: At the time of the accident, Pifer was returning from a bathroom break. “Doing your business” at your place of business doesn't count as work, the commission concluded, because it is not an “employment service.” Your boss isn't paying you to poop.

Rather than take the decision sitting down, Pifer fought it all the way to the Arkansas Supreme Court…and won. In March 2002 the court ruled that Pifer's bathroom break “was a necessary function and directly or indirectly advanced the interests of his employer.”

Little Rock attorney Philip Wilson called the ruling “a landmark decision, because it's the first time the Supreme Court has defined employment services with respect to going to the bathroom.”

Honoree:
The Toto Company of Japan, the world's largest manufacturer of toilets and plumbing fixtures

Notable Achievement:
Creating the “Miracle Magic Pavilion”

True Story:
In 2002 Toto wanted to make a big impression at Japan's Kitakyusyu Expo trade show, so they spent a lot of money making a promotional movie touting the company's plumbing fixtures. Rather than just project it onto an ordinary boring movie screen, the company commissioned the “Miracle Magic Pavilion,” also known as the “Toilet Theater.” It's just what it sounds like it is: a toilet so big that it can be used as a movie theater. Viewers
enter through a door built into the side of the huge toilet bowl, then sit on genuine life-sized toilets to watch the film.

Have you ever been at a movie and had to use the bathroom really bad, but you didn't want to leave your seat for fear of missing an important scene? Even in the Toilet Theater, you'd still be out of luck—none of the toilet-seat theater seats are actually hooked up to plumbing. More bad news: Toto has no plans to screen feature films in its enormous toilet, either. You get to watch Toto infomercials. That's it.

Honoree:
Max Reger, a turn-of-the-century German composer

Notable Achievement:
Being best remembered for something he composed…in the bathroom

True Story:
Have you ever heard of Max Reger? Probably not; his name isn't even that familiar to music buffs. In fact, Reger is remembered less for his music than for his response to a scathing review of his work written by a critic named Rudolph Louis in 1906.

“Dear sir,” Reger wrote in reply, “I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.”

Honoree:
The Rowanlea Grove Entertainment Co. of Canada

Notable Achievement:
Putting Osama Bin Laden in his place

True Story:
It wasn't long after 9/11 that the folks at Rowanlea decided to sit down and be counted: they downloaded a picture of Osama Bin Laden from the Internet and printed it on a roll of toilet paper; now anybody that wants to pay him back with a little “face time” can do it. Rowanlea also prints Osama's face on tissue paper, garbage bags, air-cushion insoles for your smelliest pair of shoes, and even sponges for use on those really disgusting cleaning jobs. Bonus: printing Osama's face on toilet paper without his permission violates his “right to publicity.”

Osama “Ex-Terrorist-Commando X-Wipe” rolls aren't cheap—they sell for $19.95 for one or $49.95 for a pack of four, plus shipping and handling. The inkjet ink runs and may irritate sensitive skin, which is why Rowanlea recommends an alternative to wiping: “placing a sheet in the toilet bowl before doing your business. Then bombs away!”

We've come a long way, baby. And it should be obvious once you read this article, which originally appeared under the title “Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees” in the July 1943 edition of
Mass Transportation
magazine.

T
here's no longer any question whether companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The military draft and the manpower shortage have settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and to know how to use them to the best advantage. Here are 11 helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1.
If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it—maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2.
When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3.
While there are exceptions to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls—those who are just a little on the heavy side—are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4.
Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination—one covering female conditions. This step not only protects against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals
whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5.
In breaking in women who haven't previously worked outside the home, stress the importance of time—the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slow.

6.
Give the female employee a definite schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous companies say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7.
Whenever possible, let the employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8.
Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick, and wash her hands several times a day.

9.
Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman—it cuts her efficiency.

10.
Be considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11.
Get enough size variety in uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy.

“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

—Gloria Steinem

Workplace wisdom from Scott Adams, creator of “Dilbert,” America's favorite anticorporate comic strip.

“I've discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.”

“Informed decision making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”

“Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.”

“The only risk of failure is promotion.”

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.”

“It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.”

“There are two ways to predict the future. You can use horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, a crystal ball, and so on, collectively known as the ‘nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as ‘a complete waste of time.' I find it a lot easier to simply make stuff up.”

“Always avoid meetings with time-wasting morons.”

“In the future, the most important career skill will be a lack of ethics.”

“A Mission Statement is defined as ‘a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.' All good companies have one.”

“By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice, it's difficult to sort them out.”

“The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.”

We tend to believe what science tells us about history—until science tells us something else. Here is a new finding that may change the history books…for now.