Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (11 page)

Good Luck:
Pick a date when the moon is waxing (increasing in size) and an hour when the tide is rising. Also be sure to time the wedding ceremony so that it ends in the second half of the hour, when the minute hand is rising on the face of the clock. Don't stop there: Everything associated with the wedding should be moving up, up, up! Anything that rises or grows promises rising fortunes for you and your spouse.

Bad Luck:
Don't
schedule the wedding for early in the morning. That will bring bad luck—and it's not just a superstition: in the old days the groom, and sometimes even the bride, needed ample time to clean themselves up after morning farm chores, lest they risk showing up at church smelling of animals and manure. (Nowadays it gives the groom a chance to recover from his bachelor party or whatever antics went on the night before.)

Good Luck:
White has been a lucky color for formal weddings in the West for more than a century; for informal ceremonies, any color will do…except for black or red.

Bad Luck:
Black symbolizes death—only widows can wear it—and red, the color of the devil, is unlucky too. If a woman wears a red wedding dress, 1) she and her husband will fight before their first anniversary or 2) her husband “will soon die.”

Good Luck:
The woman who puts the veil on the bride should be happily married. If possible, the bride should wear the veil her grandmother wore, to ensure “that she will always have wealth.”

Bad Luck:
No one other than members of the bride's family
should see her veil before the ceremony, and once she is fully dressed, she shouldn't look in the mirror again until after the ceremony is over. She should leave one small article of dress, perhaps a ribbon or a pin, undone so that she can add it at the last minute without having to look in a mirror.

Good Luck:
Wearing earrings will bring the bride good luck.

Bad Luck:
Don't wear pearls—not in the earrings or the necklace, on the dress, or anyplace else. Pearls symbolize tears. “For every pearl a bride wears, her husband will give her a reason to cry.”

Good Luck:
The animals you see on the way to church are full of omens. Lambs, doves, wolves, spiders, and toads are all good luck. If birds fly directly over your car, that's also good luck—it means you're going to have a lot of kids. (Okay, maybe that's
bad
luck…)

Bad Luck:
If a pig crosses your path on your way to the wedding, that's bad luck. If a bat flies into the church, that's bad luck too.

Good Luck:
Tears are such good luck that if the bride can't cry on her own, she should create tears “by virtue of mustard and onions” if necessary. Tears symbolically wash the bride's old problems away, giving her a fresh start.

Bad Luck:
Not
crying is
very
bad luck. This is a throwback to the days when people believed that witches can only shed three tears, and these only from her left eye. By crying, a bride demonstrated to the assembled guests that she was not a witch, thereby avoiding being burned at the stake (also bad luck).

Good Luck:
When she enters and leaves the church, the bride should step across the threshold with her right foot first.

Bad Luck:
The bride shouldn't have anything to do with making either her wedding cake or her wedding dress. Don't eat anything while you're getting dressed, either—that's bad luck too.

These days, it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are some real-life examples of unusual legal battles.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Wawa, a food store chain

THE DEFENDANTS:
Tamilee Haaf and George Haaf, Jr., owners of the HAHA market

THE LAWSUIT:
In late 1996, Wawa, which controls 500 convenience store outlets in eastern Pennsylvania, filed a suit claiming that HAHA is too similar in sound and could confuse people into believing that HAHA is affiliated with Wawa. The Haafs claim they have a right to use the name since it is simply an abbreviation of their last name.

THE VERDICT:
It may sound funny, but HAHA lost. The judge ruled that “HAHA” sounds so close to “Wawa” that it dilutes Wawa's trademark. HAHA boo-hoo, Wawa yee-ha.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Associate Humane Societies

THE DEFENDANT:
Frank Balun

THE LAWSUIT:
Balun went into his Hillside, New Jersey, garden in July 1993 to check on his tomato vines and discovered that some of the plants had been eaten by rats. So he set a squirrel trap, hoping to catch one. He did. Then he called the Humane Society to pick it up. But before they could respond, the rat tried to escape and Balun hit it on the head with a broom handle, killing it. The Humane Society in Newark then filed charges against Balun for “needlessly abusing a rodent.” Complaining that Balun should have dealt with it more humanely, the Humane Society said, “It may only be a rat, but it's a living creature, and there is no reason to abuse a living creature.”

THE VERDICT:
A municipal judge dismissed the charges, citing a statute that allows people to kill vermin that attack their “crops.”

THE PLAINTIFF:
State of Colorado

THE DEFENDANT:
Eugene Baylis

THE LAWSUIT:
Forty-two-year-old Baylis walked into a biker bar in Colorado Springs, armed with an AK-47 rifle, four hand grenades, and a pistol. Seeing the heavily armed man, several of the bar's regular patrons advanced on him—allegedly to keep him from doing any harm. But Baylis got scared and opened fire, killing two people and injuring five.

In court, Baylis argued that he'd gone to the bar to look for a man who'd shot him with a pellet gun earlier in the day. He claimed he merely wanted to hold his attacker until the police arrived, but when he was accosted by the men in the bar, he felt he had no choice but to shoot them…in “self-defense.”

THE VERDICT:
Incredibly, a jury found Baylis not guilty on all counts. One of the jurors said the prosecution never proved Baylis had had any real intentions of killing anyone when he entered the bar and “didn't disprove that Baylis acted in self-defense.”

THE PLAINTIFF:
Peter Maxwell

THE DEFENDANT:
Peter Maxwell

THE LAWSUIT:
Maxwell owned a urethane-manufacturing company in Chino, California. He was also on the payroll as a worker, taking a salary of $10,000 a year. One day while he was operating a mixing machine, his sweater got caught on an exposed bolt. He was pulled into the device and severely injured. Maxwell, the employee, hired an attorney and sued Maxwell, the owner, for negligence. Maxwell, the owner, hired another lawyer to defend the company against the lawsuit.

THE VERDICT:
Both Maxwells decided they could settle their dispute out of court and negotiated that Maxwell, the owner, should pay Maxwell, the employee, $122,500 for his injuries.

AFTERMATH:
When the IRS caught wind of the deal, they demanded that Maxwell, the employee, pay $64,185 of the settlement in income tax. They also wanted Maxwell, the owner, to cough up $58,500 because he tried to write off the payment as a business expense. Maxwell was outraged—and so was Maxwell. Maxwell, the owner, side by side with Maxwell, the employee, appealed the IRS's judgment to the U.S. Tax Court. In 1990 Judge Robert Ruwe ruled that Maxwell, the employee, could have the settlement income tax-free and that Maxwell, the owner, could deduct the entire amount as a business expense.

Another round of the BRI's Creative Teaching Awards, because we're just so proud of teachers who continue to make education an exciting and creative experience.

S
UBJECT:
Animal care

WINNER:
Leslie Davis, of Savannah, Georgia

APPROACH:
In May 2002, Davis assembled her elementary school students and took them to a nearby park—where they stole a duck from the pond. Then they went back to the school, where they planned to release the duck as a prank.

REACTION:
The 23-year-old teacher was charged with public drunkenness, obstruction, and contributing to the delinquency of minors.

SUBJECT:
Fashion

WINNER:
Vice Principal Rita Wilson, Rancho Bernardo High School, Poway, California

APPROACH:
During the 2002 April Dance, Ms. Wilson wanted to make sure that female students were following the dress code. So, as they were entering the building, she lifted up the girls' skirts to see if they were wearing thong underwear, which was prohibited. According to a source, she even did so in front of male students.

REACTION:
The Poway Unified School District investigated and concluded that the vice principal “used poor judgment”…then demoted her to a classroom teaching job.

SUBJECT:
Civics

WINNER:
School administrators at Hamilton High School, in Chandler, Arizona

APPROACH:
As part of a law-enforcement training class, four students took part in a “gun drill,” storming school hallways with fake guns, shouting “Don't make me do it!” But apparently someone had failed to warn the faculty about the drill.

REACTION:
Panicked students and teachers locked down the classrooms until they were sure they were safe. The instructor who planned the drill—Police Officer Andy McIlveen—was asked not to return to the school district. Said Assistant Principal Dave Constance, “This is not an appropriate way to teach school safety.”

SUBJECT:
Humanities

WINNER:
Ronald Cummings, of Santa Ana, California

APPROACH:
For some reason, Cummings drove a group of students—a 14-year-old boy and two 18-year-olds—to a gang fight and then gave them a cigarette lighter that looked exactly like a pistol.

REACTION:
Immediately put on leave from the school, he was charged by police with contributing to the delinquency of minors, making terrorist threats, and using a fake firearm in a threatening manner. He faces eight years in prison.

SUBJECT:
History

WINNER:
School officials in West Palm Beach, Florida

APPROACH:
To make sure students would fulfill state requirements in history, the officials developed a 100-question test—and then required that students answer only 23 of them correctly to pass.

REACTION:
Not much. Some teachers complained, but the school board defended the low grade scale…and the test went on anyway. Bottom line: The students can get three-quarters of the answers wrong and still pass.

SUBJECT:
Ethics

WINNER:
Third-grade teacher Betty Bettis and gym teacher Thomas L. Sims, of Kansas City, Missouri

APPROACH:
When a lunch money collection in Bettis's class came up $5 short, the teacher strip searched the students. She took the girls into a restroom, had them strip to their underwear, and then had them check each others' panties. Sims took the boys into a gym and had them strip and then shake their underwear.

REACTION:
Outraged parents made the story international news. One student even went on a talk show to describe the incident. By the way, they found the missing money in a rest room…but not as a result of the strip search.

Ever heard of William Higinbotham? He's the guy who invented the world's first video game. But he never made a cent off his invention and hardly anyone has heard of him. Uncle John thinks it's time he got the credit he deserves.