Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (51 page)

GOOD DOG:
Trixie, a six-year-old mixed breed

WHAT SHE DID:
In 1991, 75-year-old Jack Fyfe of Sydney, Australia, was home alone when he suffered a paralyzing stroke. Unable to move, he lay helpless, waiting for someone to discover him as the temperature outside climbed to 90 degrees. Fyfe was crying for water—and that's just what Trixie brought him. She found a towel, soaked it in her water dish, then laid it across Fyfe's face so he could suck out the moisture. She repeated this every day until her water dish ran dry, then she dipped the towel in the toilet. After nine days, Fyfe's daughter stopped by and found him—still alive…thanks to Trixie.

GOOD DOG:
Sadie, an English Setter

WHAT SHE DID:
Michael Miller was walking Sadie when he had a massive heart attack. He was unconscious, but his hand was still wrapped around Sadie's leash. Sadie tried to revive him by licking his face. When that failed, the 45-pound dog began pulling the 180-pound man toward home. For an hour and a half the dog labored to pull his body homeward, a third of a mile away. Finally reaching the back door, the dog howled until Miller's wife came out. Because of the dog's heroism, Miller recovered.

Can a dog be a pain? These people think so.

B
AD DOG:
Bear, a Newfoundland

WHAT HE DID:
Glen Shaw, a trash collector in New Hampshire occasionally brought Bear along on his route. On December 20, 2001, Shaw got out of his 10-wheeled compactor truck to load some garbage into the back and Bear somehow released the hand brake. As the truck began to roll downhill, Shaw ran after it but it was no use. The runaway truck plunged into the Souhegan River, and Shaw plunged in behind it to rescue the dog. Good news: the dog survived. Bad news: it took a hazardous waste crew more than two hours to clean up the mess.

BAD DOG:
Jake, a three-month-old Rottweilier

WHAT HE DID:
The Dodson family of Norman, Oklahoma, went out and left Jake in the same place they always left him: the utility room. They returned hours later to find Jake…and a smoking pile of rubble where their home used to be. Evidently Jake had flipped the gas line switch, filling the room with natural gas and when the hot water heater kicked on, the gas exploded. Jake was hurled clear of the explosion…and escaped unharmed.

BAD DOG:
a boxer

WHAT HE DID:
Muammer Guney, 46, of Denizli, Turkey, had a heart attack while he was walking his dog in the park. The animal stood guard over his fallen master, barking and keeping would-be helpers at bay. By the time relatives arrived on the scene to pull the dog away, it was too late; doctors pronounced Guney dead.

BAD DOG:
Stinky, a six-year-old mongrel

WHAT HE DID:
In December of 2000 Stinky and his master, Kelly Russell, were out hunting near their New Zealand home. Russell set down his rifle for a moment and Stinky jumped on it. The gun went off, hitting Russell in the foot. At the Waikato hospital, doctors were unable to save his foot. Russell was also fined $500 for hunting illegally in an exotic forest.

We are all guilty of using 'em. We just can't tolerate a noun or verb standing alone, so we give it an adjective or adverb for company. That doesn't make them harmfully wrong—just doubly redundant. Here are a few sparkling gems we recently uncovered not long ago.

capitol building

baby calf

circle around

slippery slime

hollow tube

illegal poaching

old adage

NFL football team

merge together

sandwiched between

reflect back

very unique

strangled to death

successful escape

3 a.m. in the morning

old fossil

fellow countrymen

old geezer

new beginning

illegal scam

awkward predicament

appreciated in value

disappear from view

total extinction

violent explosion

knots per hour

temporary reprieve

cluster together

hoist up

free of charge

recur again

enclosed herewith

excessive overharvesting

swivel around

new recruits

fellow colleagues

first priority

invited guest

completely satisfied

sink down

Here are a few choice bits of bathroom trivia we've flushed out over the years.

In 2001 a new work of art by Alphonse Gradant appeared in the Museum of European Art in Paris. Praised as “art in its rawest form…an expression of 21st-century angst, comparable to the best work of Picasso and Salvador Dali,” the work later sold for $45,000.

Who is Alphonse Gradant? The museum janitor.

Someone swiped one of his diagrams, had it framed, and hung it in the museum as a joke. Is it art? “No,” says Gradant. “It's the layout of the men's toilet,” which he colored in with red and black pens to make it easier to understand. “I needed a simple diagram that the contractor could follow,” he explains. “All I was trying to do was make his work easier, not create a work of art.” Museum officials refunded the $45,000. “If it was meant as a joke,” says a spokesperson, “It wasn't a very funny one.”

In March 2002, Parrot Products introduced the Enable Kit, designed for drivers who are grossed out by bathrooms in highway truck stops and rest areas. Each $3.79 kit comes complete with hand wipes, “area and fixture wipes,” rubber gloves, toilet paper, a paper seat cover, and even a face mask to protect against “any particulates floating around.” Company founder Joe Gawzner says he invented the kit after years of experiencing “negative restroom conditions.” “Why suffer when nature calls?” he asks.

In 2000 the city of St. Louis, Missouri, started using a new material to seal freshly tarred cracks in its roads: toilet paper. The paper reduces the tackiness of the tar so that it doesn't stick to people's shoes or to the tires of cars. T.P. offers advantages over traditional materials like sand and leaf mulch: it's cheap, it doesn't clog sewers, it doesn't stink like leaf mulch, and it's easy to apply—just slap
some onto a paint roller, attach a broom handle, and unroll it right over the tar. Bonus: As the toilet paper degrades, it adds an optical illusion. “Stoop down and look at it,” says Nigel Martin, a city worker assigned to T.P. duty. “It looks like snow, doesn't it?”

In February 2001, a Swiss man named Roger Weisskopf won a lifetime supply of toilet paper after he went on the German television show
Wetten Dass?
and demonstrated his unusual talent: being able to identify the name and country of origin of any brand of toilet paper…by tasting it. More precisely, by “licking, sucking, and chewing” wads of the stuff until it gives up its secrets.

No word on whether Weisskopf ate his prize. It took him a year of practice to develop his skill, which friends and loved ones encouraged by bringing home foreign toilet paper whenever they traveled abroad. According to Weisskopf (and he would know), Swiss paper tastes the best, while Japanese paper tastes the worst. “It tastes like moth balls,” he says. “It nearly turned my stomach when I was practicing.” Weisskopf is now developing a singing toilet lid to cash in on his fame.

In the 1960s, the exchange rate for Indonesian currency was 325
rupiah
to one U.S. dollar. Distressed by the high cost and low quality of Indonesian toilet paper, some western tourists started buying
sen
notes—worth 1/100 of a
rupiah
, or 32,500 to the dollar—and using them for toilet paper.

Japanese engineers had a problem in 1993 with some of their new high-speed bullet trains. Everything in the trains was high-tech—except the toilets, which were the old, hole-in-the-floor style. The problem: when the train went through a tunnel, it created “compressed atmospheric pressure.” In other words, whatever went down the hole came back up, splattering whoever was there. So were the toilets recalled? Not a chance—railroad officials just posted signs warning passengers not to use the toilets while the trains were going through a tunnel. (They also set up a fund to pay for hot baths and laundry service…just in case.)

We finally found a use for celebrities…well, not the whole celebrity, just the name. Somebody actually took the time to invent these celebrity marriages, and we salute them.

• If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be
Bo Ho
.

• If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been
Yoko Ono Bono
.

• If Dolly Parton had married Salvador Dali, she would have been
Dolly Dali
.

• If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be
Oprah Chopra
.

• If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be
Olivia Newton-John Newton John
.

• If Sondra Locke married Eliot Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become
Sondra Locke Ness Munster
.

• If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be
Bea Sting
.

• If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Billy Beaver (game show host), she'd be
Liv Ito Beaver
.

• If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be
Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale
.

• If Ivana Trump married, in succession, actor Orson Bean, King Oscar of Norway, Louis B. Mayer (of MGM fame), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be
Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener
.

• If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be
Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

• If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be
Tuesday March 3.

• If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be
Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh
.

Ever wonder where these words came from? Here are the interesting stories behind them.

Meaning:
Something wonderful, superior, or classy

Origin:
“The word comes from Duesenberg, an eminently desirable motor car of the 1920s and '30s. The Duesenberg featured a chromed radiator shell, gold-plated emblem, hinged louvered hood, stainless-steel running boards, beveled crystal lenses on the instrument panel, Wilton wool carpet, and twin bugle horns. Magazine ads for the luxury car carried the slogan: ‘It's a Duesie.'” (From
The Secret Lives of Words
, by Paul West)

Meaning:
To show servile deference

Origin:
“The word is Chinese and literally means ‘knock the head.' It was an ancient Chinese custom to touch the ground with the forehead when worshiping or paying one's respects to an illustrious personage.” (From
Why Do We Say It?,
by Frank Oppel)

Meaning:
To annoy by constant urging or fault-finding

Origin:
“European households of the early Middle Ages had a problem—rats infested every nook and corner; squirrels nested in the roofs. Between the rats and squirrels, the noise of gnawing was very disturbing. The Germans developed the word
nagen
, from an old Scandinavian term meaning ‘to gnaw.' Eventually a person who gnawed at another by constant fault-finding was said to
nag
, and the word soon lost its earlier meaning.” (From
I've Got Goose Pimples,
by Marvin Vanoni)