Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (10 page)

Q:
Why do your feet swell up in an airplane?

A:
“It is a common myth that feet swell up when you ride in an airplane because of changes in atmospheric pressure due to high elevation. Feet swell up on planes, especially during long flights, for the same reason they swell up on the ground—inactivity.

“And it does not matter if you leave your shoes on or off; they will swell either way. If left on, they will provide external support, but will inhibit circulation a bit more and probably feel tighter
during the latter part of the flight. If taken off, comfort may be increased, but the shoes are likely to be more difficult to put on once the flight is over.

“Podiatrists normally recommend ‘airplane aerobics' to help circulation—including help for swelling feet.” (From
The Odd Body: Mysteries of Our Weird and Wonderful Bodies Explained
, by Dr. Stephen Juan)

Q:
Why do clouds darken to a very deep gray just before it's about to rain or prior to a heavy thunderstorm?

A:
“Clouds normally appear white when the light which strikes them is scattered by the small ice or water particles from which they are composed. However, as the size of these ice and water particles increases—as it does just before clouds begin to deposit rain—this scattering of light is increasingly replaced by absorption. As a result, much less light reaches the observer on the ground below and the clouds look darker.” (From
The Last Word 2
, edited by Mick O'Hare)

Q:
If nitroglycerin is an explosive, why don't people who take nitroglycerin for heart conditions explode?

A:
“We all know that nitroglycerin is a highly explosive compound. It's a volatile chemical cocktail combining carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, and oxygen. ‘Nitro' taken in pill form helps heart patients by acting directly on the wall of the blood vessels. It dilates the vessels, which both increases the blood supply to the heart and reduces the work of the heart by reducing blood pressure.

“But according to Dr. Thomas Robertson, chief of the cardiac diseases branch of the U.S. National Institutes of Health, the amount of ‘nitro' in heart medications is too small to cause any possible danger of a patient exploding—even if the patient overdosed a little and jumped up and down.” (From
The Odd Body: Mysteries of Our Weird and Wonderful Bodies Explained
, by Dr. Stephen Juan)

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.

—Italian proverb

Have you ever been stuck in the bathroom with nothing to read? (Our greatest fear.) Try flipping through the classifieds to look for ones like these.

Beautiful 6-month-old kitten,
playful, friendly, very affectionate
OR…
Handsome 32-year-old husband—personable, funny, good job, but hates cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Come see both and decide which you'd like.

Free!
1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3-Bedroom, 2-bath home

German Shepherd
85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

1-man, 7-woman hot tub,
$850

Amana Washer
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Cows, Calves
never bred… also 1 gay bull for sale.

Tickle Me Elmo
, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800

Georgia Peaches
California Grown—89¢ lb.

Fully cooked
boneless smoked man—$2.09 lb.

Kellogg's Pot Tarts
: $1.99 Box

Exercise equipment:
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs—$175

Used tombstone
, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergenheinzel. One only.

For Sale:
Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man)—$50

Turkey for sale
: Partially eaten, eight days old, drumsticks still intact. $23 obo

Have Viagra
. Need woman, any woman between 18 & 80.

Shakespeare's Pizza—
Free Chopsticks

Hummels
—Largest selection. “If it's in stock, we have it!”

Wanted:
Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Hairobért
: If we can't make you look good…You ugly!

Tired
of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Ever found something really valuable? It's one of the best feelings in the world. Here's an installment of a regular
Bathroom Reader
feature.

The Find:
$20,000

Where It Was Found:
In a drawer

The Story:
On January 29, 2002, home inspector Stan Edmunds was checking out a house in Hinsdale, New Hampshire, for a prospective buyer. To get to the attic, he had to go through a closet, and an odd wooden shelf support kept catching his eye. The third time through, he pulled on it—and out slid a hidden drawer. Inside it: $20,000 in $100 bills.

Edmunds could have put it in his pocket and walked away, but he didn't—he called the real-estate agent. The agent contacted the heirs of the homeowner, who divided the money up. And one of them sent Edmunds a check for his honesty…for $50. He said he would be donating it to charity.

The Find:
Superbowl Championship ring

Where It Was Found:
In a couch

The Story:
In 1996 retired Hall of Fame running back Walter Payton was coaching a high school basketball team outside of Chicago. As an exercise in trust, he gave one of the boys, Nick Abruzzo, his 1986 Superbowl ring—complete with his name and 41 diamonds—to hold for a few days. Nick and his friends passed it around in awe…and then lost it.

Five years later, college student Phil Hong bought an old couch for his dorm room from his friend Joe Abruzzo—Nick's younger brother. One day, while looking in the couch for a lost dog toy, he found the ring. The longtime Chicago fan knew what it was immediately. “Growing up, Walter Payton was my idol,” he said. Unfortunately, Payton died of cancer in 1999, but Hong returned the ring to his widow, Connie Payton. “This ring was what he worked for his whole life,” he said. “It needs to be back in the family.”

The Find:
Masterpiece painting

Where It Was Found:
Hanging on a wall

The Story:
In July 2001, an elderly couple in Cheltenham, England, decided to sell an old painting that had been hanging on a wall in their house for decades. They figured it was worth a few thousand dollars. They wrapped it in a blanket and took it to Christie's auction house. “They arrived in their van and I came outside to look at what they had,” said appraiser Alexander Pope. “It was a classic valuation moment.” It turned out to be a masterpiece by 17th-century French artist Nicolas Poussin. Sale price at auction: $600,000.

The Find:
Diamond ring

Where It Was Found:
In a bar in Vancouver, British Columbia

The Story:
In 1998 a man selling costume jewelry approached 21-year-old Tanya Tokevich while she was sitting in a Vancouver bar. She ended up buying a ring for $20. “It didn't look like much,” she said. “It was dull, but I just thought it was nice.” She decided to have it appraised to find out whether she'd gotten a good deal. She had. It wasn't costume jewelry—it was an antique engagement ring with a 2.05-carat diamond worth $11,000.

The Find:
Famous list

Where It Was Found:
In a suitcase in Germany

The Story:
When a Stuttgart couple found an old suitcase in their parent's loft after they died in 1999, they didn't think much of it—until they saw the name on the handle: O. Schindler. Inside were hundreds of documents—including a list of the names of the Jewish slave-laborers and their fake jobs that factory owner Oskar Schindler gave to the Nazis during WWII. The bold move saved 1,200 Jews from extermination and inspired the movie
Schindler's List
. Apparently, friends of Schindler's had used the loft as a storage space decades earlier and then forgot about it. The couple gave the suitcase and all the documents to a newspaper, but asked for no money in return. It now resides in Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum, in Jerusalem.

Some questionable wisdom from one of our heroes, Cliff Clavin, the know-it-all mailman from the 1980s TV sitcom
Cheers.

“It's a little-known fact that the tan became popular in what is now known as the Bronze Age.”

“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're really thinking about a mother.”

“The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

“I wonder if you know that the harp is a predecessor of the modern day guitar. Early minstrels were much larger people. In fact, they had hands the size of small dogs.”

“It's a little-known fact that the smartest animal is a pig. Scientists say if pigs had thumbs and a language, they could be trained to do simple manual labor. They give you 20 to 30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner you can eat them.”

“Ah, just like all women. If they're not turnin' down your proposal of marriage, they're accusing you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changing room.”

“If you were to go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yellnick McWawa.”

“There's no rule against postal workers dating women. It just works out that way.”

If you're planning a wedding, there's a lot to remember. And if you're superstitious, you may have even more to juggle.