Touch Me There (30 page)

Yet while the brain does so much for our sexual functioning and re- sponse, it can also foil its own efforts. The brain can literally play head games with us in the sack, acting as friend or foe. Many performance is- sues and problems prove to be psychological in nature. Things like nega- tive thoughts (conscious or not), memories of bad experiences, and spec- tatoring (watching and evaluating yourself or your partner during sex) act as some of the many mental barriers to mind-blowing sex. The way we think and feel about ourselves as human beings and as partners and lovers has a direct influence on our bodies and our brain activity during sexual goings-on. For example, if you believe that something is attainable, then it’s likelier to happen. Likewise, if you believe that you are unable to expe- rience something (for example, a climax), this mindset can have a strong negative influence on your physical ability to do so. Performance pressure makes matters even worse, causing lovers to worry that they’re not good enough in the sack and to put pressure on themselves to “achieve.” The phrase “achieve orgasm” is probably one of the worst terms ever used in sexology. It turns sex play into something goal-oriented instead of encour- aging lovers simply to be in the moment, relaxing and fully enjoying inti- macy. Many people’s minds have been held hostage by the notion that sex isn’t good enough unless it involves a certain result, usually orgasm.

Although every person’s problems and every couple’s issues require a personalized solution, one thing every couple can do is to take the

pressure off of themselves to perform and respond like a rock star. Sim- ply agree that neither partner is required to climax, since a performance- oriented focus on orgasm can be unconstructive and anxiety provoking, making you tense and distressed during intimacy. A person can become anxious just thinking about it! Instead, fill your mind with a wealth of sex- ual images, thoughts, and feelings. Doing so will help you to connect more fully with your inner sexual self and develop a deeper understanding of your erotic nature. It will also free you up to enjoy yourself and your part- ner that much more. By eliminating expectations, you release inhibitions that may have otherwise prevented you from exploring new moves, tech- niques, positions, and touches for fear they would ruin orgasmic response. With this changed mindset, you allow yourself to focus on simply enjoy- ing the intimacy—and you may end up discovering something quite unex- pectedly erogenous.

Sexual experiences that reaffirm that we are sexual beings are a turn-on. Whereas watching yourself during sex, for example, can be a visual turn- on, it also reminds you that you’re desirable, erotic, and sexual—beliefs that serve as aphrodisiacs. It’s your thought process that makes an expe- rience sexy, so the next time your sex life needs a little boost, sit with your lover at the edge of the bed or in a chair in front of a full-length mirror. Both of you should face the mirror, so that you can see your reflection as one lover enters the other. The bottom partner can further enhance the ac- tion by putting their hands under the top partner’s thighs and lifting them up and apart for a breathtaking view. You’ll be amazed at how your body—and mind—react.

As touched upon earlier, sexual fantasies are one of the many ways your brain is involved in sexual functioning. Fantasies range from having a crush on somebody to narrating a complete story plot in your imagina- tion to having dreams that get you off in your sleep. Whether a substitute for sex, a part of foreplay, or a way to breathe new excitement into your sex life, fantasy is a great tool to use if you’re in a monogamous relationship, practicing safer sex, or simply want to be titillated without limits.

Fantasies can be as tame or as hard-core as you want them to be. After all, you’re the director and this is a private viewing, so who besides you has to know what’s going on? Some things people like to fantasize about when masturbating, making love with another, or sharing fantasies with a partner include new sexual positions, being intimate in unusual locations, forced sex (even if it’s not desired in real life), bondage, being found irre- sistible, sex with a new lover, partaking in a deviant behavior, group sex, watching others have sex, and being the dominant partner during sex. As yet another way to eroticize lovemaking, fantasies can fuel role-playing. Couples can pretend to change gender roles (sometimes including cross- dressing), pretend to have sex in a place where they might get caught, pre- tend to have sex with a sex worker, pretend to have sex with a virgin, and pretend to have sex with a taboo partner. As long as play-acting your fan- tasies remains consensual and safe, it is a healthy, natural part of a sexual

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Keeping your head’s hot spots engaged during foreplay and sex is an im- portant part of helping you stay in the moment and in helping you feel completely lost in all of the sensations. All too often, lovers will abandon head action for the below-the-belt region, never to travel north again. Pay- ing attention to erogenous zones all over each other’s head and neck al- lows the two of you to feel connected for a longer period of time and helps to create an overall mind-body-soul experience.

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The All-Over Hot Spots

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o you ever feel sexy all over, with your whole body coming alive, feel- ing tingly, and craving sex? You want sex. You exude sex. You are sex.

And you’re covered in it from head to toe. Your skin is your largest eroge- nous zone. As your biggest sense organ, your skin is made up of millions of nerve fibers, with the skin of adults containing between six and seven hundred thousand receptor cells that are able to detect sensation. Conse- quently, your brain is devoted to touch more than it is to any of your other senses. There are also about five million strands of hair on the body, which enhance your body’s sense of touch even more fully. Basically, your body is one big hot spot, but we’re going to break things down, getting a little naughty as we consider each individual area.

Although any part of a person’s body—any square inch of skin—can trigger an erotic response, some places are known to elicit these sorts of re- actions more than others. As we examine each of these hot spots more closely, consider how you could stimulate them while simultaneously arousing other parts of the body. Imagine what combinations might work best for you or your lover. Think of all the ways you could express what you like best, whether by simply saying “Touch me here” with a wink and a seductive smile; by giving a silent demonstration, your gaze locked with your lover’s; or by taking your lover’s hand and pressing their fingers into

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a spot just the way you like it. It’s important not to overlook the skin spots when you’re having a roll in the hay and you become caught up in the rush of the genitals, because simultaneously stimulating any of these other areas can make for the wildest, best sex ever and a more total-body sexual experience.

The Shoulders

Shoulders are always good for kissing, snuggling, massaging. One of the best sensations in the world is that of a loved one holding you close, as you bury your head into their neck. From the time we’re babies, we appreciate shoulders. Whether they’re our shoulders or somebody else’s, we like to take care of them, massaging them, kneading them, caressing them. Prac- tically nobody turns down a good shoulder rub. How would you like to be able to massage this hot spot so well that people beg for you to work their shoulders?

Stimulating two acupressure points on either shoulder, the Shoulder Well and Heavenly Rejuvenation, can relieve stress and irritability, mak- ing the recipient even more charged up for sex. The Shoulder Well points are located on the highest point of the top of the shoulder muscle, one inch outward from the base of the lower neck (see Figure 10.1 on the next page). The Heavenly Rejuvenation points are located on the upper back, half an inch directly below the Shoulder Well (see Figure 10.1). Press firmly into these points while either hugging your partner or while stand- ing behind them, as you knead their neck and shoulder to relieve tension. (A pregnant woman requires a lighter touch.) Be sure to curve your fingers so that they hook the points, while both partners breathe simultaneously, exhaling the tension with the slow massage.

The Arms

If you’re after some sizzling sex play, know that the underside of a per- son’s arm is quite sensitive to touch. Racing your fingertips lightly over this area while out on the town or as a part of foreplay can do wonders. During sex, throw your partner’s arms up over their head and run your

FIGURE 10.1: The Shoulder Well, Heavenly Rejuvenation, and Elegant Mansion acupressure points

fingertips down the exposed area to the armpit. At the wrist, begin gently nibbling your way downward, skillfully exhaling in specific locations along the way. Pay extra attention to kissing and blowing on the inside of the elbow. At the armpit, inhale. Lick. A musky underarm smell has been proven arousing by scientific research, so breathe it in if it’s enticing to you. An alternative to this move could involve massaging refrigerated moisturizer into the pit, which will raise goose bumps all over your love’s body.

The Collarbone

Although the collarbone is one of the sexiest parts of a person’s body, with all of the excitement generated by the arms and shoulders, it’s easy to overlook. But the sensuous, muscle-relaxing, rejuvenating effect afforded