Total Control (25 page)

I put my
ear buds in and pulled up the playlist Ethan had made for me. I skipped to the third song, since that was where I’d left off in the tub. As soon as it started my heart beat faster and a naughty smile spread across my face. I found the paper Ethan gave me.

Poison –
Talk Dirty To Me.
“You know why this song reminds me of you! What you may not know was how I felt while I pleasured you atop my desk that night. I wanted to kiss you softly, hold you in my arms, make love to you, all the things I’d dreamed of doing with you for so long. I knew what you wanted, though, and I wanted to be your fantasy. I had to show you that I could be the guy who saw you, and had to have you that very second, like you needed. I was nervous. I didn’t know if I could pull it off. But when I saw you standing there, watching the concert, it was easy. I
was
that guy. You were the sexiest, most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, and I
had
to take you atop my desk. Shortly into it, it was no longer your fantasy I was fulfilling, but mine. The way you looked, smelled, and tasted pulled me in. I was like a moth to a flame.”

Oh my!
I had to take a deep breath.
Why didn’t I read this before I let some guy put his mouth on mine and tempt me to go to his hotel room? How could I have had exactly what I’d always wanted, and selfishly cast it aside like it meant nothing? How could I have hurt Ethan and pretend like it was no big deal? I don’t deserve him or his forgiveness and understanding. What is wrong with me?!
I read the paragraph Ethan had written again and again. It turned me on, it warmed my heart, and it made me smile and cry. It gave me hope and doubt at the same time. I hoped Ethan still felt that way about me, but I doubted it.

I thought about Ethan all through dinner. I knew I’d screwed it up with him, but I also knew he deserved better than me or what I could give. He must’ve realized it
, too.
I’m surprised he didn’t tell me off before he hung up on me, because I had it coming.

After dinner, I had women’s group. It was an hour and a half of independent studies, and an hour and a half of group study and discussion.
Alice was our counselor there. She gave me a study book and packet of other papers and information I’d need. My independent study was focusing on the female body. I was about to learn, in depth, about my body. Everything from menstruation, reproduction, post-partum and menopause, the whole cycle. I took interest. I’d never really had the opportunity to understand it all, so I was taking advantage of it. Plus, it was a distraction from thinking about Ethan, and I needed a break from that. I dove into it and before I knew it, the time was up.

“Okay, ladies, let’
s huddle up,” Alice announced. It was time for group. We all made a big circle with our chairs.

“First off, I’d like you all to join me in welcoming Gia. She arrived today, and I’m sure she could use all the support we can give her.” I smiled and everyone greeted me.

“Gia, this is women’s group. We will meet here three nights a week. Each woman in this room has her own independent studies, as each of us are individuals with our own needs. In group, we discuss all sorts of different issues, some will pertain to you personally, and some will not. You may join in, or you may observe, the choice is yours.” I nodded. I was nervous and didn’t think I’d be participating anytime soon.

“Denise, I heard you’d like to start tonight, so go ahead
,” Alice said.

Denise looked to be about thirty years old. She was short and chubby, with a round fac
e and short, dark hair. Her face was plain, and her teeth needed some work, but she had a warmth to her that made her seem genuine and sweet. Denise told a story about how she’d used food to feel better after her boyfriend had beaten the shit out of her because she was fat and he was embarrassed to be seen with her.
Holy Shit!
I gasped and tears flowed from my eyes, as they did from hers. Her story was heartbreaking. They’d gone to a Christmas party for his work. She’d searched all over for an outfit that she thought made her look appealing. She was excited to wear it in front of him, and got all made up for a fun night out. He made no comment when she entered the room feeling sexy and beautiful for the first time in months. At the party, he ignored her most of the night while she sat alone at a table for eight. When they got home later, she wanted to make him happy by having sex, any way he wanted. He laughed at her, told her he was disgusted by her, and beat her for the next hour, leaving two of her teeth knocked out. He left and she ate a quart of ice cream.

I was taken
aback by her courage to tell that story. I felt for her so deeply. I couldn’t imagine being beaten by anyone, especially a man you were trying to be your best for. I realized at that moment that I would be affected, somehow, by each and every woman in that room. I also realized that I was lucky to be there, with those extraordinary, brave women, and that I was one of them. I felt like part of a team, and that was a good feeling.

We had a short evening review and daily wrap-up before we headed to our rooms for the night. I was exhausted. I felt physically and emotionally drained. I washed my face, put Ethan’s t-shirt on, climbed into bed, and fell asleep.

Six a.m. came too soon. I showered, made my bed, and got to the morning meeting by seven. We discussed setting goals and future plans. My homework was to come up with some short and long term goals to set for myself. Breakfast was veggie omelets and fresh fruit. It was delicious and I ate every bite. After breakfast was meditation, which I knew nothing about, but ended up loving. I felt very relaxed and focused as I headed to my individual therapy session with Laura.

***

By the end of the week, I knew my schedule and the layout of the wing like the back of my hand. What a week it had been. I’d learned so much about myself, my body, my failed marriage, and my hopes for the future. I’d met a group of women who were at all different stages of treatment, for all different reasons. I’d laughed and cried with them throughout the week. I’d held hands with some of them as they opened up to me about very personal and private things that had happened to them. Each story I heard made me stronger. Each woman who told a part of her story gave me the strength to tell another part of mine.

As I
laid in bed Friday night, I thought about Lex. He had been the topic of discussion for most of the week with Laura. She made me recall the very beginning, when he and I had met and fallen for each other. I remembered things that I hadn’t thought of in a very long time, good things. She made me recall the middle, when we were struggling over the troubles of having a successful pregnancy. She helped me feel what Lex must’ve felt at the time. How his dream was being taken from him, and how he had to put the blame on someone. We talked about the end, the last two years of our marriage, and how lonely we both were. I’d never felt so sorry for Lex. Although he did some hurtful things to me, he was hurting horribly too, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Had we had some counseling or help, we may have been able to comfort each other and heal together, but the foundation was weak to begin with, and we actually had issues before the losses even happened. Laura helped me forgive Lex for everything, and now she was working on helping me forgive myself. She said I was making impressive progress.

Chapter 16

Ethan

I sat there, staring at Sean’s card, wondering if I should call him. The girls said he was on my side, and that he’d helped Gia understand how I was feeling about the kiss. I appreciated that a lot. I dialed his number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sean? This is Ethan, Gia’s uh…”

“Ethan, hey, I’m glad you called. I’ve got to ask you, man, did you talk to Gia before she checked in?”

“No, I missed her.” I was embarrassed.

“Hey, that’s okay,” he said. “I’ve been curious about it all day. I knew she was trying to decide this morning whether or not to try to talk to you one last time, so I guess she decided not to, huh?” I was jealous he’d been with her that morning.

“How was she this morning?”

“Actually, Ethan, she was really good. I was surprised at how well she was holding it together. It’s a scary thing to do, checking yourself into therapy for thirty days.”

“I’m really proud of her. Thank you so much for being there for her. I’m truly grateful, from the bottom of my heart
. Thank you, Sean.” I knew I’d really let her down.

“Hey, it was my pleasure. Gia is one of those rare women
. You see her for five minutes and you can’t get her out of your mind. She’s amazing. You’re one lucky man, Ethan.”

“
I know I am, but I’m afraid my luck may have run out.” I thought about the email and the last paragraph. She wished me luck, how ironic.

“No, I don’t think so,” Sean said. I sat straight up. “Ethan, I’m not gonna lie to you, Gia and I had a connection. We spent a good deal of time together and we flirted a lot.” I didn’t like that at all. “That’s Gia’s way, it’s her comfort zone. It makes her feel good, and she’s herself when she’s flirty.
It’s the true Gia, and I assume it’s the opposite of the way she was being trained to act around Lex.”
She told him about Lex?
“She told me one of the things she liked the most about you was that you loved it when she was being herself, carefree and silly.” I smiled. I was sure glad she’d told Sean that.

“Like I said, I’m not gonna lie to you. There wasn’t anything inappropriate that happened between her and
me. There was something about her, something familiar, and I was just happy to be in her company. I want to help her, I care about her, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” He was a good kid. I pushed my stupid jealousy issues aside.

“I believe you
, Sean. I’m so relieved that Gia spent her time with you and not that Zane character.”

“That guy was unbelievable! He was obsessed with trying to get her to his room. She saw through him
, though, Ethan. She said she told him off at the after party.” He laughed.

“Good for her
.” I was proud of her.

“I keep getting off track here, but back to trying to help Gia. I’m going to tell you something that you’re not going to like, but then I’m going to prepare you for the worst, okay?”
Shit, I don’t like the sound of this.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

“Therapy is going to dictate whether you and Gia work it out or not. Well, in her mind, anyway. It’s all going to depend on what she says about you, what they say back to her about you, what kind of a therapist she has, and how Gia responds to all that.”

“They’re going to talk about me?” I was confused by that, and nervous.

“Of course. You’re a big part of Gia’s life. After they deal with the past stuff, they’re going to get into the present and the future. Gia is crazy about you, Ethan; they’re going to see that, it’s obvious when she talks about you.” I wanted him to repeat that, but I didn’t ask.

“Thanks, I needed that
,” I told him.

He chuckled
. “I’m sure you did, you’re welcome. So, there are some things they’re not going to like, and they may suggest to Gia that a relationship with you right now would not be in her best interest. That’s worst case scenario. They may not suggest that, they may tell her to be careful and go slow. It all depends on what she tells them, and how they take it.”

“What are they not going to like about me?” I was afraid to hear the answer.

“Well, the short time you’ve known each other, the amount of sex you’ve had, the fact that you’ve had a crush on her from a distance, the fact you’ve slept around a lot, and last but not least, the fact that you broke it off with her right before she went into treatment for a month.”

“Is that all?” I joked. I felt like an asshole. “Why in the world were you on my side after you heard all that?”

“Because she told me the whole story. I fell in love with someone very quickly, so the short time you’ve known each other is not even an issue with me.”

“Thank you!” I
interjected. I was so sick of everyone bringing that up. Finally, someone who felt the same way I did. It didn’t matter!

He laughed
. “You’re welcome!”

He talked about the other issues. He thought they were all good things when you looked at the whole picture. He was just worried that they’d pick them apart in therapy and make me look bad. I appreciated him so much for taking the time to point all this out to me so I knew what Gia was going through in there.

“What can I do here and now to make it easier for Gia when she gets home?” I asked.

“
The hardest part for me was the unstructured parts of the day. While she’s there, her entire day is planned out for her. She’s following a schedule from six in the morning until eleven at night. When she gets home, she’s going to be lost without that. I know she has an eight to five job during the week, which is good. You’re going to need to get with her family and friends and make some sort of plans with Gia in the evenings and on the weekends. Don’t make it obvious to her that you all are doing it, just do it nonchalantly. She’s going to be so used to being around people all the time, she’ll go along with it. Slowly wean her after a couple of weeks. She’ll need some alone time by then, just not right away.” I could tell he really cared about Gia.