Total Control (28 page)

“Yes. It made her cry. She can’t wait to talk to you and see you.” I sighed again.

“How did she look? Is she eating and sleeping?”

“Ethan, relax. She looked amazing. She said she’s been working out like crazy, eating really healthy, and they took a group trip to the beach yesterday, so she had a great tan. We spent the whole afternoon together. Her therapy is going well, she said, and she’s made some friends. She thinks she’ll get her phone Wednesday or Thursday, I’m sure you’ll be her first call.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the couch. A weight had been lifted from me.

“Sean, thank you so much. You don’t even know what a relief I’m feeling right now.”

“I told her you’d be waiting for my call, and asked if there was anything she wanted me to tell you.”

I sprung straight up. “And?”

“She said to tell you to bring her another shirt, and
Once Bitten
, track nine. I gotta go, man, I’m late for work. I’ll talk to ya later.”

I yanked open my CD cabinet and searched for
my Great White CD. My heart was racing. I knew whatever was on track nine was a message from Gia. I practically ripped the cabinet apart. I wished I was as organized as Gia, and had them in alphabetical order. I found it and quickly had it in the player. I skipped to track nine and listened carefully.

It was “Save Your Love.”
I replayed it, several times. I loved it. I’d heard it many times before, but never really listened to the words. It filled me up and made me smile. Sean said she cried when he told her that I was proud of her and that I loved her. He was sure I’d be her first call.
I’d give anything to hold her right now
. I’d be counting down the days. When my head hit her pillow, I grinned. She wanted another shirt.
She must be wearing mine out. Maybe she’ll give me a new pillowcase.
I drifted off and slept like a baby.

Chapter 19

Gia

The second week started off great. I knew the routine and was working hard to get the most out of it. The anticipation I felt about getting my phone and email back was al
most too much to bear at times. I had to focus on my daily work to keep my sanity. My sessions with Laura were easier after getting through the stuff with Lex the first week. She did, however, mention that we were going to go back to that later. I didn’t understand why. We’d pretty much covered it and I’d forgiven him, so I was ready to move on. We’d moved on to talking about depression.

Laura kept repeating to me, “Depression is anger turned inward.” She said our goal was to uncover the reasons for the depression, or where the anger came from, and eliminate that anger. She said I suffered from situational depression as a result of events in my life, unlike a small percentage of people who suffer because of a chemical imbalance in the brain. It was interesting, and
she said that we were making good progress.

When I awoke on Thursday morning
, I jumped out of bed immediately. I knew I was getting my phone back that day, and I wanted to get going. I didn’t have free personal time until three o’clock, so it was a long day. I had butterflies when I finished my workout and headed to my room. When I opened the door, there it was on my bed. My phone and internet code!

I didn’t waste one second. I scrolled down to ‘Your biggest fan
,’ and pushed call.

“Hotness?” My heart jumped at t
he sound of his voice. I’d been waiting so long.

“Hey, baby
.” Tears ran down my cheeks.

“How are you? I miss you. God, Gia, I don’t even know where to start.” He’
d been suffering, too. I could hear it in his voice.

“
Ethan,” my voice cracked, “I’ve never needed to hear someone’s voice…” I was so emotional I couldn’t even get it out. I was overwhelmed with relief and complete adoration.

“G
ia, I know. It’s okay.” He was emotional also, and it filled me even more. I thought I might explode. I tried to focus on breathing and getting control of myself.

“I’m sorry,” I said
. “For everything, Ethan. I have to know if you still feel the same about me as you did at the airport.” I knew he loved me, but that wasn’t what I was worried about.

“You mean
completely devoted to you? Wanting to be around you every second of every day to share the little moments, like dancing in the kitchen, making you coffee, and sharing cinnamon rolls, watching you sleep, washing your beautiful body in the shower, buying you flowers, and writing cheesy love notes, laughing, flirting, and watching the sun come up?”

“
Yes, like that,” I whispered.

“Or did you mean the way I felt about the bigger stuff? Wanting to take care of you, share your hopes and dreams, feel your pain, kiss you while we make love, hold you while you sleep, take away your fear, love you unconditionally
, and give my whole self to you?” Silent tears fell as I felt his complete devotion. I’d never doubt the way he felt about me again.

“Yes, that too,” I whispered.

“I feel it more than ever now. Gia, please understand why I felt I couldn’t continue a relationship with you after you told me about Zane. I can’t share you. When you said you’d ‘felt something,’ my heart broke. I couldn’t breathe. I’d give you up before I’d be okay with not having all of you. The thought of you giving your love to another man is more than I can bear.” His voice was strained. I couldn’t believe I’d done that to him.

“Ethan, I didn’t feel anything
for
him. Please believe that. What I
felt
was beautiful and desired. I’m so sorry. You’ve awakened me sexually, and for a moment, I wanted to experiment with that. I’ve never had the kind of physical contact you’ve introduced me to. My body was begging for more.” Trying to explain it was helping me understand it better.

“I figured out what you’d felt with him after I read your email. I got it, and I felt so much better, knowing you hadn’t fallen for the prick, but thank you for reassuring me. As far as the sexual awakening, I’d actually considered and worried about that when I took you home. I didn’t want
to give you your freedom. That was why I was such a crazy man trying to set up the next date all the time. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.” That was why he was so insistent!

“It’s okay. You were right about it. I think I might be a nymphomaniac now.” I was serious.

He laughed so hard he actually went silent for a minute. “My sweet Gia,” he finally said. “You’re not a nymphomaniac.” He was still chuckling.

“How do you know?” I was embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” he almost had control of himself. “You caught me off guard with that. I don’t believe that you’re a nympho. If you are, then I’ll take care of you, okay?” He was trying to make me feel better about it, but I could tell he was still smiling.

“Okay,” I said. “Am I good in bed?”
While we were on the subject.

“Wow, Gia, what’s with all the surprises today?” I
’d caught him off guard again. “Honestly, you’re the best I’ve ever had. You never cease to amaze me with your sexual appetite and willingness to please and be pleased. That’s the truth.” It sounded very truthful. I let out a sigh of relief.

“I’ve been fantasizing about you a lot
,” I admitted.

“Really? I like that. Tell me about it.”

“Well, I’ve been working out like a maniac. To make the time go by faster, I put you into my routine. You watch me, jog with me, and then we make love or fuck hard while I lift weights, depending on my mood.” I couldn’t believe I’d just told him that. I giggled to myself.

“See what I mean
? You never cease to amaze me, Hotness.” He was laughing. “So, how am I?”

“
In my fantasy? Or in real life?” I giggled. “Well, the things you’ve made me feel have turned me into a nympho, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot. My little nympho.” I could tell he was smiling. “I love you, Gia
,” he said out of the blue.

“I know. I can feel it.” I wanted to say it
back, but I couldn’t.

“
Good,” he said. And I hoped he could feel it too.

We talked for another hour about everything we’d been doing, thinking, and feeling. I told him how much the playlist he made meant to me. He loved the song I
’d chosen for his message from Sean. I didn’t want it to end, but I had to shower for dinner. I promised to call and tell him goodnight.

When I got back to my room that night, there was a huge bouquet of flowers on my dresser with a note.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

My evening grew bright

After the phone call from you

“Thank you for the f
lowers and the cheesy love note,” I said when he answered.

“You’re welcome. How’d your night go?”

“Good. I’m exhausted, like I usually am at the end of the day.” I really was.

“How are you sleeping?”

“Like a log.”

“Nightmares?”

“No. Thank God.”

“Good. Get some rest and I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he said.

“Sweet dreams, baby.”

“Sweet dreams, Hotness.”

I sent Sean a quick text telling him I’d talked to Ethan and I was doing fine. He said he was glad to hear it and hoped I’d call him soon. I promised I would. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.

***

As soon as I looked at the chart, my heart sank. I was ovulating. Lex would insist on having sex tonight. I stared out the kitchen window, watching the golden leaves fall from the old oak tree. I was tired. My body was weak. I didn’t feel much anymore. Once in a while I’d chuckle about something, but mostly, I was just numb. I’d given up on pretty much everything. My marriage, my uterus, myself. I was just going through the motions, and even that was getting difficult. I drug myself to the couch and slouched down on it. I stared at the wall for at least an hour before I heard the front door open.

I listened as he put his stuff away. I prayed that he’d forget about the chart. Of course, he never would, it was the most important thing in his life. I wished I had something in my life that meant that much to me. I felt empty. For years I’d felt that hopefulness of getting pregnant, followed finally by the elation of knowing I was, and then the heartbreak of losing it. I’d been through it twice now. I’d had enough, I couldn’t do it anymore.

I jumped as I heard the familiar sound of a beer can opening. I heard Lex looking through the mail, complaining about the cost of cable TV. “Cancel the fucking thing, then,” I said to myself. I jumped again as I heard him holler.

“Woo
hoo!” He was beside me on the couch then, with his hand between my legs. “Sex tonight! Time to make a baby!” He gave me a hard kiss on my cheek. I smelled the stench of his alcohol breath, which had become all too familiar that past year. He groped my crotch and looked at my face with a puzzled expression. “What’s wrong with you? It’s like you don’t even want a baby or have sex anymore!” His eyes were wild. I felt very small.

“I don’t,” I barely whispered. I kept staring at the wall, expressionless.

“Well, I do! This is what we want. This is our dream, to have a family, remember?” He was pissed off. I didn’t care anymore. We’d been through it dozens of times, and he wasn’t about to give up. “I’m your husband. You’ve made me promises, in front of God and our families and friends. Now you want to deny me my happiness and rip apart my dreams? Is that what you want, Gia?” I’d heard it before. It was less dramatic now, but it still made me guilty.

“No
.” I blinked, but kept my eyes on the wall.

“Go take a shower, you’ll feel better, and shave
, too. I’ll take care of dinner, since you obviously haven’t done anything today. We’ll have a fun night, you’ll see.” He kissed me, his breath reeking, and patted me on the leg, like a child.

I got up and did as I’d been told. We had dinner by candlelight and I downed a b
ottle of wine to get through what I knew was coming. I was robotic as I undressed and got under the sheet. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I stared at the ceiling as I waited for my husband to join me. I heard him lock the doors and turn off the porn he’d been watching on TV. I used to watch with him, I fantasized about giving head and trying new positions, but then when we came to bed, it was the same old thing. He said I was his wife, the mother of his future children, and that kind of stuff was what men did with whores. He did, however, want me, his wife and future mother to his children, to ask him, tell him, and beg him to fuck me. It turned him on. It turned me on too, at first, but when I realized it didn’t change anything for me, it grew old.

He pulled the sheet off me. I
lay still. “You’re getting too skinny, Gia. You need to start taking better care of yourself. When you get pregnant this time, you’d better get your diet healthy, like we talked about.” I took a deep breath and nodded. Little did he know, I wasn’t going to get pregnant. I’d already taken care of that. It brought me a tiny glimmer of hope.