Total Control (23 page)

“
It’s tempting,” I said, even though it wasn’t, “but no, I can’t get away.” I gave her a quick hug this time and got the hell away from her. I felt bad for Shane for about one second, but then he put his arms around both of them and they all took off for the campground. He’d probably be thanking me later.

I walked around for the next two hours. I got something to eat, stopped and chatted with a few peop
le I knew, walked through VIP, and even looked through two shops. I was wasting time, not knowing what to do with myself. I drug myself back to my place and sat on the tailgate of the Chevy, watching people head out.

“Hey, man.” Trey came over and handed me a beer.

I took it, knowing he was about to talk about Gia. “Hey.”

He sat on the tailgate next to me. “Have you gotten over yourself yet?”

“No, not completely,” I told him.

“You waitin’ for somethin’ in
particular or just dramatic timing?”

“I don’t know what I’m doin’, to tell you the truth. I just don’t know yet.” I shook my head.

“Well, at least you’re talking some sense now. You were just shittin’ from the mouth yesterday.” He chuckled. “I talked to Dana a few minutes ago.” My ears perked up. “She had to meet with some clients today. She was on her way back to the hotel to catch up with Jo and Gia.”

I was waiting for more, but the asshole was gonna make me ask for it. “Did she say how Gia was doing?”

“She said they had a really great day yesterday after they convinced Gia to stay, and that the concert was a blast. Jo and Dana went to the after party until three this morning, but Gia went back to the hotel.”

“What do you mean, after they convinced Gia to stay?”

“Apparently, they awoke to her packing up all her shit and trying to book a flight back here to beg you for forgiveness. They talked her into staying, knowing she’d never go back for her treatment if she left.” My heart skipped a beat hearing that she wanted to come back to me. I’d never want her to give up on herself though, so I’m thankful the girls got her to stay.

“So, th
en they had a good day? Gia was good?” I wanted him to say that Gia was okay.

“It sounded like they all had a great time. They shopped, drank, got rocked out for the concert, went backstage afterward, it sounded like they were all good.”

“Did Dana say why Gia went back to the hotel? Why didn’t she want to stay at the after party?”

“Jesus, man, just call her. Do you hear yourself with all the questions? It’s eating you up not knowing. Let it go
—she probably went back to the hotel because she’s suffering, too. Put it to bed already.” He was right, but I couldn’t call her yet. I wasn’t able to be okay enough with it to talk to her nicely. It was better to leave well enough alone.

“I will, soon
,” I said. We drank a few beers each as we sat on the tailgate watching everyone leave. We walked over to the c-store, bought a twelve pack, and invited a couple of the guys over for poker. I drank way more than I should’ve, but I was successful in numbing the pain temporarily. It was two in the morning before we knew it. Trey and the other guys walked home and I passed out as soon as my head hit Gia’s sweet-smelling pillow.

My head was pounding when I opened my eyes. I grabbed a
bottle of water and a couple ibuprofens and gulped them down. I laid back down. I wondered how Gia was feeling that morning. I hoped she wasn’t scared. My heart started to pound wildly and I sat straight up. I wanted to hear her voice before she checked in. I wanted to tell her I loved her and I was proud of her. I grabbed my phone and quickly found Hotness.

Hey, this is Gia. I’ll be out of reach for a while. Leave a message if you want, or get ahold of me when I get home around the Fourth of July. Bye.

I looked at the clock—
fuck
—it was nine-thirty. I slept late because I got drunk, and that caused me to miss being able to tell Gia what I needed to so desperately! How could I have been so selfish? I left her a message.

Gia, I’m sorry. I miss you, I’m proud of you, and I love you.

I wanted to say so much more, but I couldn’t leave it on her phone. I ran to my computer. Maybe she’d check her emails one last time before she couldn’t anymore. My heart leaped when I pulled it up and saw I had a new message from her. She’d sent it on Saturday night. That was the night she’d called and I’d hung up on her, the night she went back to the hotel while the other girls stayed at the after party. I began to read.

Dear Ethan,

I know I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry. It was a mome
nt, a tiny moment, of poor judgment. Yes, I kissed another man. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Yes, a part of me wanted to go back to his room, but I didn’t. The reason I didn’t was because I thought of you. I knew I’d already gone too far.

She’d realized it. She’d realized how she felt about me. I shouldn’t have been so hard on her. I continued to read.

I haven’t been with many men, as you know. For many years I was with a man who wanted to have sex with me to get me pregnant. I’d fantasize that he wanted me because I was beautiful, sexy, and desirable, but it was just that, a fantasy. Since I’ve been divorced, I’ve been nervous about being intimate with another man, until now.

My sweet Gia. You’re the most beautiful, sexy, and desirable woman I’ve ever met. My heart was beating fast as I continued to savor her words.

It’s all new to me. The sex, the desire, the love, they’re all new, and it’s hard for me to trust them. It’s hard for me to ignore what they’ve cost me in the past and trust that they’re real and true with someone I’ve known for just a short time. It’s hard to ignore any man who makes me feel what I’ve wanted to feel for so long. I know that’s hard for you to hear, but I’m hoping it’ll help you to understand why I did what I did.

Yes, it was hard to hear, but I knew it was true. How could I expect her not to question those things with me when her own husband of ten years didn’t give them to her? She’d been starving for them for so long, she’s still starving for them, and someone else was there to give them to her, so she momentarily fed herself a bit before she pulled back. I had tears as I continued.

Ethan, I’m learning as I go. Please have patience with me now as you have in the past in letting me open up to you in my own time. I know you want a monogamous relationship with me and I’m willing to trust you, if you still want me, to give you exactly that. You have to admit, that’s pretty trusting of me to do after knowing you for a week. In my defense, I hadn’t made any promises to you about seeing, kissing, or sleeping with other people. I’ve never been a cheater or a woman who slept around, so I feel like you’ve overreacted to this kiss.

She knows what I want and is willing to give it to me, yes, that was very trusting of her. She was right, she hadn’t made me any promises, and I had to give her that. She’d told me she never cheated on Lex and I knew how many men she’d slept with, so I knew she wasn’t a cheater. She feels I overreacted to the kiss, but it wasn’t the kiss that bothered me so, it was the way it made her feel. I have to explain that to her again. I read the last paragraph carefully.

As I’m writing this, I’m actually getting angry. Yes, I’m angry at you for not only expecting me to be faithfully yours, but also for not having enough balls to talk to me about it. I would’ve never guessed that you’d turn on me so quickly, so coldly, after supposedly being in love with me. You say you want to have a relationship, but actions speak louder than words, Ethan. Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to deal with some past shit. Good luck.

Gia

Fuck! What the fuck? Good luck? What was she telling me? Good-bye? Fuck! What have I done?
I scrolled back up and reread the entire letter. I was feeling so positive about it right up until the end, and then, bam! I didn’t know what to think. I’d royally fucked up.

I grabbed my phone and called Trey. I told him I wanted to go to the city with him to pick up Dana and Jo from the airport. I had to talk to them. I had to know how Gia was. I had to let them know how I felt. They knew Gia better than
anyone, they’d be able to help me fix what I’d so foolishly broken. I showered quickly and walked over to Trey’s.

“You
’re such a dumbass,” he said as soon as he saw me.

We got in his Suburban and headed toward the city. “Gia sent me an email Saturday night. I hadn’t checked it until this morning after I tried to call her, but it was too late.” I was a mess. I had to focus on breathing.

“You’re such a dumbass.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time.” It was true, I was a dumbass. I looked out the window and tried to focus on the positive things Gia had written in her letter. How she was willing to have a monogamous relationship with me
, and how she realized she’d gone too far after she’d kissed him. I’d been so hurt about the fact that another man had made her feel something, but she said it would be hard to ignore
any
man who made her feel what she’d wanted to feel for so long. In other words, it wasn’t personal feelings toward
him
, it was feeling beautiful, sexy, and desired, by
someone
. It made so much more sense to me now.

Trey and I made small talk for the rest of the drive. He knew the silence was messing with me, and I think he felt bad for me. When we finally got there, I got nervous. I hoped Dana and Jo would give me a chance to
explain. I hoped Gia was okay when they checked her in. We hadn’t waited too long when we saw the girls coming through the gate. They were talking and smiling, which made me feel some relief.

“
Hey, gorgeous,” Trey said to Dana as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Hi, Ethan,” Jo said. “Looks like you’ve had a rough couple of days.”
I’d forgotten about my black eye.

“Hi, Jo. How’s Gia?”

“Good, actually. No thanks to you.”

“I’m
disappointed in you, Ethan. How could you be so cold to her?” Dana added.

“I’m disappointed in myself. I screwed up.
I’m so sorry. I love her, you know that. You’ve got to help me fix it. I’ll make it up to her, I swear,” I babbled.

“Jeez, Ethan, take a breath,
” Jo said. She and Dana looked at each other and then at me.

“You’re lucky we don’t blacken your other eye,” Dana said. They both hugged me.

We got their luggage and loaded it into the Suburban. The girls were starving and asked if we’d have something to eat with them. I was happy to have as much time to talk to them as possible. We went to a nearby restaurant. The girls told us about the concert and the big city. It sounded like they’d had a good time, and I was happy Gia had them there.

“Now, as for you, Ethan,” Dana addressed me. “We’ve got some serious talking to do. Gia returned some guy
’s kiss, get over it. She felt horrible, and you should be ashamed for putting her through hell like you did.” I nodded. “You also need to know that Gia made a very good new friend while we were there. He’s a twenty-nine year old hottie who spent the night with her Saturday and last night.” My eyes got big. “Nothing happened, but they spent a lot of time together, and she said she felt like they’d be lifelong friends.”

I took a deep breath and a drink of my water. “
You say he spent the night with her two nights in a row, but nothing happened? What were they doing?” I was keeping an open mind.

“They fell asleep watching movies. We peeked in on her when we came in Saturday night. The bedroom door was wide open, they had their clothes on, and the TV was still on. They made plans for Sunday night
, too. Gia said she slept very well, no nightmares, and she wanted him to stay again.” I was jealous. Gia had several nightmares while sleeping next to me.

“Don’t get weird,” Dana said. “We wanted to tell you about him now, so there wouldn’t be a problem later. He helped Gia a lot this weekend, Ethan.” They told me about the loss of his fiancé and how he
’d wanted to die. He went through similar therapy to what Gia was about to go through, and was actually going to graduate soon as a therapist. Then they really shocked me by giving me a card with his name and phone number on it.

“Sean
asked us to give you that,” Jo said. “He told Gia how good he thought you were for her and he helped her understand how you must’ve felt when you found out she’d kissed Zane. He’s on your side, Ethan. He said he’d like to talk to you about her, but he’d leave the ball in your court. You can call him when you’re ready.”

“
Sean sounds like a great guy,” I said. “I’m glad Gia had all of you to support her while I was back here being a dumbass.” That made Trey smile. “I can’t wait to talk to her—ten days, right?”

“That’
s right, but Ethan, I think it would be best if you let her call you. Be patient with her, she doesn’t know what’s going on here, and we don’t know what she’s going through there. She needs to focus on her,” Dana said.