Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (23 page)
Read Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck Online
Authors: Thug Kitchen
BLACK BEAN TORTAS
WITH COCONUT CHIPOTLE
MAYO
Make this motherfucker STAT and see what your narrow sandwich world has been missing.
MAKES 4 TORTAS
COCONUT CHIPOTLE MAYO
1 cup canned coconut milk
1
⁄
3
cup of your favorite chipotle hot sauce
¼ cup olive oil
1 tablespoon ground chia seeds
*
1 teaspoon lemon juice
½ teaspoon garlic powder
Pinch of salt
CREAMY BLACK BEANS
1 teaspoon oil
1 yellow onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon chili powder
¾ teaspoon ground cumin
3 cups cooked black beans
*
*
1½ cups vegetable broth
Juice of 1 lime
Salt to taste
TORTA TRIMMINGS
4 crusty rolls, split and toasted
Lettuce
Sliced tomatoes
Sliced red onion
Sliced avocado
1
First, make the mayo. Throw all those mayo ingredients in your blender or food processor and run that motherfucker on high for about a minute so everything is good and mixed. Taste and see if you want more hot sauce. Pour this all in a cup or bowl and store it in the fridge until you need it. It will thicken in there, just fucking be patient.
2
Next, make the beans. Heat the oil in a large soup pot over medium heat. Throw in the onion and sauté it until it starts to look golden brown, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic, chili powder, and cumin and cook for another 30 seconds. Add the beans and broth and stir that shit up. Let it come to a simmer and then turn down the heat real low. Using a potato masher or big-ass spoon, smash up all those beans as best you can. Think chunky guacamole. Add the lime juice and then taste. Add some salt or more spices if that’s the kinda shit you’re into. Now turn off the heat and make a torta.
3
Grab a toasted roll and smear with a bunch of the coconut chipotle mayo. Pile a fuckton of the beans on the bottom half. In between, add whateverthefuck you want. Lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, and some avocado are some time-tested choices, but be creative and shit. Serve right away with some extra hot sauce.
*
Yeah, chia seeds, like the fucking chia pet. They are rich in omega-3s and full of fiber. If you can’t find them, flaxseeds are an OK sub
.
*
*
Two 15-ounce cans will do if you are in a rush
.
LENTIL TACOS WITH
CARROT-JICAMA
SLAW
A little sweet and a little savory, these bad bitches break all the taco rules. serve them up with a side of the
Creamy Peanut Slaw
and blow your taste buds back.
MAKES 6 TO 8 TACOS
LENTILS
3 cups water
1 cup black lentils,
*
rinsed
½ teaspoon olive oil
½ onion, chopped
8 ounces mushrooms,
*
*
cut into bite-size pieces
1 tablespoon soy sauce or tamari
2 or 3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons apple juice
*
*
*
1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil
CARROT-J ICAMA SLAW
½ pound jicama
*
*
*
*
1 small cucumber
1 carrot
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon lime juice
¼ teaspoon salt
1
For the lentils: Bring the water to boil in a medium saucepot over high heat and add the lentils. Turn the heat to low and simmer until tender, about 30 minutes. Drain the excess water and set aside.
2
In a large wok or skillet, heat the oil over medium heat and add the onion. Cook until the onion becomes translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook until they release some of their liquid, about 3 minutes. Add the soy sauce, stir, and then add the lentils. Mix that shit up and then add the garlic and apple juice. Yes, fucking apple juice. Just do it. Cook until most of the liquid has evaporated, about 2 minutes. Turn off the heat and stir in the toasted sesame oil. Taste that shit. Fucking awesome.
3
Now, the slaw. Cut the jicama, cucumber, and carrot into matchsticks no more than 1 inch long. Toss with the rest of the slaw ingredients and refrigerate before you serve it up.
4
To make the tacos, warm the tortillas and fill those gifts from god with the lentil mix, some shredded cabbage or lettuce, the jicama slaw, and top with that herb salsa. These fuckers aren’t half bad cold either if you are feeling too lazy to heat up leftovers. Cold tacos are still motherfucking tacos.
*
These little bastards (also called beluga lentils—because they look like caviar) hold their shape better than other lentils, so look for them
.
*
*
Button, cremini, or shiitake mushrooms are cool. Use whatever
.
*
*
*
The real shit, not apple-flavored drink
.
*
*
*
*
This is a big-ass root that tastes so fucking good. It’s like the product of a one-night stand between an apple and a potato. Don’t fight it, just buy it
.
LUBE UP: HEALTHY OILS
As you fill up your pantry, you want to make sure you are grabbing all the best shit for you and your recipes. Oil is the first thing to hit the pan in so many meals so you best choose wisely. When it comes to cooking and baking, not all oils are created equal. Some oils are better for low-heat stuff like sautéing while some really shine when you are stir-frying and baking. You want to know the difference so that you choose the best shit for your dish. Oils that are better for high-heat cooking have a higher smoke point. So if you see your oil smoking, you are fucking shit up. When oils start to smoke, they start to break down and release free radicals and a bunch of other garbage that isn’t so good for your health. Just heat your oils up until they shimmer and then get to cooking.
On top of function, you also want to know if your oil is adding any awesome flavors to your dish. We got you. Check the lists below and get your oil game under control.
Oils to Avoid
Right out the gate, don’t go buying shit like this. Most of these oils are highly refined and offer no nutritional trade-off. Grab something else and get your money’s worth.
Vegetable oil
Vegetable shortening (particularly if it is full of partially hydrogenated oils)
Canola oil
Oils to Cook With over Low to Medium Heats
Olive oil
Unrefined coconut oil (this one tastes like coconuts, stable at room temp)
Any of the high-heat oils (see below)
Oils to Cook With over High Heat
Sesame oil
Refined coconut oil (no coconut taste, stable at room temp)
Grapeseed oil
Peanut oil
Safflower oil
Oils for Drizzling, Dressings, and Extra Flavor
Extra virgin olive oil
Walnut oil
Toasted sesame oil
If you are looking for an oil that is solid at room temperature for things like pie crusts and biscuits, just grab some refined coconut oil and get to business. Stop looking around at other shit. Now go and cook up some delicious meals or quiz your fucking family on oils and look smart.
CREAMY RAVIOLI
WITH
HOUSE
MARINARA
Making these fuckers for someone is an impressive feat and is sure to look extra sexy on a date. Nothing says “Let’s take this to the bedroom” faster than stuffed pasta.
MAKES ABOUT THIRTY 2-INCH RAVIOLI
PASTA DOUGH
*
2 cups all-purpose flour
½ cup whole wheat pastry flour
Pinch of salt
¾ to 1 cup water
3 tablespoons olive oil
1
To make the dough: In a large bowl, combine the flours and salt and stir it all around. Make a crater in the center of that and add ¾ cup of the water and the olive oil. Mix the liquids and flour together until a shaggy dough comes together. If there’s still a bunch of dry-ass flour in the bowl, add the remaining ¼ cup water—but no more—1 tablespoon at a time until that shit comes together (it should be a little drier and less sticky than pizza dough). Once you’ve got your ball of dough, knead it on a well-floured surface for 10 minutes so that shit gets nice and elastic. If you don’t do this, your dough will be pasty and gross, so don’t get lazy. Place the dough back in the bowl, cover, and let it rest in the fridge for at least 30 minutes but up to 2 hours.
2
While the dough is resting, prepare the tofu ricotta and marinara.
3
To form the ravioli, you’ll need a ravioli stamp.
*
*
First, cut the dough in half. On a well-floured surface, roll out one piece to a rough rectangle that’s twice the width of your ravioli stamp and about
1
⁄
8
inch thick. With a short end of the rectangle facing you, use the stamp to imprint the dough with 2 side-by-side ravioli squares, fitting about 15 of these pairs down the length of the rectangle. Fill each ravioli imprint on the left-hand side with 1 tablespoon of the tofu ricotta. Using a pastry brush or paper towel, wet the dough along the edges of all the stamps and fold the right-hand row over the left so that all the stamps line up and the filling is completely covered (see
this page
for a pic). Stamp over each ravioli again until they are sealed, then transfer to a large baking sheet. Repeat this process with the other piece of dough. (At this point you can either freeze the ravioli or cook them immediately.)
