Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (30 page)

STRAWBERRY
SHORTCAKE

This dessert is an American classic because IT’S FUCKING DELICIOUS. Those shitty spongy cup things the store sells can’t even come close to the real deal.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 8

STRAWBERRY FILLING

1 pound strawberries

2 to 4 tablespoons sugar

SHORTCAKE BISCUITS

1¼ cups whole wheat pastry flour

1 cup white flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

2 tablespoons sugar

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup canned coconut milk

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

Whipped Cream
*

1
Make the filling: Chop the strawberries up into pieces the size of a button and throw them in a bowl. If your strawberries are super ripe and taste dope as fuck, then add just 2 tablespoons of sugar. Otherwise add the 4 tablespoons and curse your shitty produce. Stir that all together and let it chill while you make everything else.

2
Crank your oven to 425°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

3
For the biscuits: Sift together the flours, baking powder, sugar, and salt. Make a crater in the middle and add the coconut milk and vanilla. Stir that all together until everything is combined into a shaggy dough. If you need more liquid, add a tablespoon or two of coconut milk to fix that shit.

4
Throw the dough onto a countertop with some flour on it. Pat it into a roughly 8 x 5-inch rectangle about 1½ inches thick. Don’t overwork the dough and make it tough. DON’T. Using a biscuit cutter or open end of a glass, cut out all the motherfucking biscuits you can. Aim for 8. Put them on the baking sheet and bake until the bottoms are golden, 12 to 15 minutes. Let them cool for a minute before you go to town.

5
To assemble the shortcakes, cut the biscuits in half like 2 layers of a cake. Layer the strawberry filling on the bottom half, add a scoop of whipped cream, and put the top half of the biscuit back on. Add another layer of strawberries and whipped cream on top and serve right away.

*
Double the whipped cream recipe if you are serving all the biscuits at the same time
.

WHIPPED CREAM

MAKES ABOUT 1½ CUPS

1 can (13.5 ounces) coconut milk, well chilled
*

2 tablespoons powdered sugar

½ teaspoon vanilla extract (optional)

1
You need some electric beaters or a stand mixer to do this shit. Stick the bowl and the beaters in the freezer for 15 minutes to let those bastards get chilly.

2
Take them out after 15 minutes and grab the coconut milk from the fridge without shaking it up. Open up the can and scoop out all the thick white cream on the surface and put it in the chilled bowl. Leave that clearish liquid in the can and use it for a smoothie or something later. You don’t need that shit now. Sift in the powdered sugar so that there aren’t any chunks and add the vanilla.

3
Now beat the fuck out of it on medium-high speed until it starts looking all fluffy and whipped, 1 to 2 minutes. Serve right away. It tastes good for a couple days, but it loses some of its airiness the longer it sits.

*
Put that shit in the fridge the day before so you know it’s cold enough. This is not a 30-minute chill kinda situation. You want to give everything time to get cold and for the fat to separate from the coconut water in there. Fuck it—just store a bunch of cans in the fridge so you’re always ready
.

MAPLE-OAT
BANANA BREAD

Forget that banana cake bullshit you’re used to eating and telling yourself it’s healthy. This is the real fucking deal. A fistful of fiber with just the right amount of sweetness, this loaf will have you coming back for more.

MAKES 1 LOAF

2 cups oat flour
*

1 cup whole wheat pastry flour

1¾ teaspoons baking soda

¾ teaspoon ground cinnamon

½ teaspoon salt

¼ cup almond or other nondairy milk

¼ teaspoon apple cider vinegar

2 cups mashed banana
*
*

1
⁄
3
cup maple syrup

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon sugar

1
Heat your oven to 350°F. Grease and flour a standard loaf pan so your bread won’t stick. This shit is critical, so DO NOT skip this step.

2
Grab a medium bowl and mix together the flours, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Set that aside.

3
In a small glass, mix together the milk and vinegar. Then grab a large bowl and mix together the mashed banana, maple syrup, olive oil, and vanilla. Once all that is mixed up, add the milk mixture and blend that motherfucker all over again. Add the dry ingredients to the wet stuff and mix until there are no more dry spots in the batter.

4
Pour the batter into your loaf pan that you ALREADY GOT READY (RIGHT?) and sprinkle the sugar over the top. This is just for looks because this bread is vain as fuck. Bake it until the top is golden and a toothpick comes out clean when you stab it through your bread, 30 to 40 minutes. When the bread it done, take it out of the loaf pan and let it cool a bit before diving in.

*
This might sound fancy, but just buy cheap rolled oats, throw them in a blender or food processor, and run it until that shit looks like flour. Done
.

*
*
Don’t leave any big chunks or you will have weird uncooked, soggy pockets in your bread. You’ll need about 4 bananas to get here
.

CARROT CAKE COOKIES

These cookies are moist and cakey, just like it says in their motherfucking name. They’re good for when you have a craving but don’t want a whole damn cake to yourself.

MAKES ABOUT 20 COOKIES

1½ cups flour (whole wheat pastry or white)

½ cup packed light brown sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

½ teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

½ teaspoon ground ginger

1 cup shredded carrots
*

½ cup plain almond or other nondairy milk

¼ cup olive or grapeseed oil

½ cup chopped walnuts

½ cup raisins or chopped candied ginger
*
*

1
Heat your oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2
In a large bowl, mix together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and ground ginger. Make sure there are no lumps of brown sugar hanging around in there. In a smaller bowl, mix together the shredded carrots, milk, and oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ones and stir all that shit until there are only a couple dry spots. Fold in the nuts and raisins and stir until there aren’t any dry spots.

3
Scoop spoonfuls of the dough onto the baking sheet about 1 inch apart. Bake until the bottoms are golden brown, 18 to 22 minutes. Then do whatever the fuck you do with freshly baked cookies.

*
That’s about 2 medium carrots on a box grater
.

*
*
This shit is optional. These cookies are just as dope without them, too
.

CHOCOLATE
CHIP
AND ALMOND BUTTER
COOKIES

Just like the classic but without all the butter. These chocolatey, nutty masterpieces go pretty damn well with an ice-cold glass of
Blended Earl Grey Latte
. Go ahead, take a cookie break. You probably did something today to deserve a cookie.

MAKES ABOUT 24 COOKIES

1½ cups whole wheat pastry flour

½ teaspoon baking powder

½ teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

2
⁄
3
cup chilled almond butter
*

1
⁄
3
cup brown sugar

1
⁄
3
cup white sugar

2 tablespoons ground flaxseed

¾ cup almond milk

1½ teaspoons vanilla extract

½ to
2
⁄
3
cup semisweet chocolate chips
*
*

1
In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

2
In the large bowl of a stand mixer or just a big-ass bowl, mix together the almond butter and sugars until it looks kinda creamy and fluffy. Slowly add in the ground flaxseed, almond milk, and vanilla until a loose batter forms in there.

3
When all of that is mixed up, add the sifted flour stuff slowly into the bowl. Mix that up until there are no more dry spots. Fold in the chocolate chips, cover, and put that tasty-ass batter in the fridge for at least 1 hour and for up to 2 days.

4
When you are ready for some cookies, heat your oven to 350°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

5
Scoop out a spoonful of dough onto the sheet and kind of flatten it out a bit until you get about a 2-inch-wide cookie. Keep going until you fucking run out of dough and then bake until the bottoms are nice and golden, 15 to 18 minutes. Take them off the sheet and let them cool on a wire rack for at least 10 minutes before serving.

*
It really helps the dough come together if this shit is cold, so just stick it in the fridge. You could use peanut butter if that’s all you got, but that is a totally different kind of cookie—just know that shit
.

*
*
Depends on how much chocolate you like in your cookies. That’s your fucking call
.

BLUEBERRY
WALNUT
LAVENDER
SCONES

Scones are the bastard blend of a biscuit and muffin. They sound so wrong but taste so right.

MAKES ABOUT 12 SCONES. BEST SERVED THE DAY THEY ARE MADE
.

2¾ cups whole wheat pastry flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

3 tablespoons white sugar, plus more for sprinkling

2 tablespoons brown sugar

¼ teaspoon salt

¼ cup refined coconut oil

2 teaspoons dried lavender
*

1¼ cups plain almond milk, plus more for brushing

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

¾ cup fresh or frozen blueberries

½ cup chopped walnuts

1
Crank your oven to 425°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or foil.

2
In a large bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, sugars, and salt. Cut the oil into the flour using your hands until it all looks kind of grainy and there are no large chunks left. Stir in the motherfucking lavender.