Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (21 page)
Read Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck Online
Authors: Thug Kitchen
USE ACIDS, NOT SALT
If you’re cooking at home and your dish tastes flat as fuck, don’t reach for the salt. Right now you’re probably consuming entirely too much of those white crystals and your body can’t hang. The Institute of Medicine says Americans eat 3,400 milligrams of sodium every damn day, a lot of it hidden in processed food and shit, when you really should be at 1,500 to 2,300. FUUUUCCCK THAT.
Instead, try adding a little acid. Citrus juice and vinegar can fix your cooking in ways salt can’t touch. Flavors taste brighter and dishes feel more like restaurant-level shit. Just squeeze a lemon or give that vinegar bottle a shake or two. Aim for a teaspoon at first, but taste as you go. If you accidently overdo it with the acid, just add a little oil or sugar to the dish and balance it right the fuck out. Here are a few suggestions for some flavor combos, but be creative and try shit on your own:
Tomato-based dishes:
balsamic vinegar, red wine vinegar, or lemon juice
A dish with lots of fresh herbs linke cilantro, drill, or parsley:
lemon juice, lime juice, or red wine vinegar
Dishes flavored with soy sauce/toasted sesame oil:
rice vinegar or orange, lemon, or lime juice
Bean-based dishes:
apple cider vinegar, sherry vinegar, balsamic vinegar
If you’ve done your job as a cook, then you shouldn’t need the fucking salt shaker at the dinner table. So keep that shit in the kitchen as an ingredient, not a fucking condiment.
SALSA VERDE
This green monster brings all the fucking flavor to our
chilaquiles
and will do the same for whatever lucky food you pour it on.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 2½ CUPS
1½ pounds tomatillos
*
2 jalapeños
½ white onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
¼ cup chopped cilantro
1 tablespoon lime juice
1
⁄
8
teaspoon salt
1
Turn on the broiler in your oven and get it nice and hot.
2
Tear off all that loose, papery skin on the tomatillos and wash away all that sticky shit left on the fruit. Put the tomatillos and jalapeños in a baking dish with sides and throw it under the broiler.
3
Roast until the tomatillos are starting to blacken on top and the peppers are slightly charred, 10 to 15 minutes. Flip those fuckers around halfway through roasting so that they get a little roasted on all sides.
4
Once the tomatillos and jalapeños are cool enough to touch, roughly chop them up. If you like a spicier salsa, leave the seeds in the jalapeños, otherwise fish those fuckers out as you chop.
5
In a food processor, combine the tomatillos, jalapeños, onion, garlic, cilantro, lime juice, and salt and run that shit until you get a nice slightly chunky constancy, about 30 seconds.
6
Serve the salsa warm, at room temperature, or cold.
*
They aren’t the same shit as green tomatoes. They have a papery outside skin that you peel away. Look for them in the fridge at a market that specializes in Mexican and Central American foods
.
PINEAPPLE
GUACAMOLE
Not like guacamole really needs help being more delicious, but if you ever feel like mixing shit up, try this. The pineapple is so fucking dope that you may not want to share.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6, ABOUT 2½ CUPS
2 avocados
2
⁄
3
cup chopped pineapple
*
½ cup chopped red onion
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro
2 to 3 cloves garlic, minced
Grated zest of ½ lime
1 tablespoon lime juice
1
⁄
8
teaspoon ground cumin
Pinch of salt
Mash up the avocado into nice chunks. Add everything to the avocado and stir. Taste and add more of your favorite shit. Serve at room temp or chill. Eat this the day you make it. Why the fuck would you wait?
*
Fresh or canned is cool
.
ROASTED SRIRACHA
CAULIFLOWER BITES WITH
PEANUT
DIPPING SAUCE
Buffalo bites with bones are a waste of flavor space and snacking time. Make some spicy cauliflower bites for your next party and double your snacking efficiency.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 PEOPLE, OR 1 PERSON WITH NO FEARS ABOUT WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONSUMING THAT MUCH HOT SAUCE COULD MEAN FOR THEIR ASSHOLE
2 medium heads cauliflower (about 2 pounds)
½ cup flour
*
½ cup water
HOT SAUCE
2 teaspoons oil
*
*
½ to
2
⁄
3
cup Sriracha or similar-style hot sauce
*
*
*
¼ cup rice vinegar
½ teaspoon soy sauce or tamari
PEANUT DIPPING SAUCE
¼ cup warm water
¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons creamy peanut butter
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
2 tablespoons lime juice
2 teaspoons minced fresh ginger
1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari
1 teaspoon maple syrup or agave syrup
1 cucumber, cut into finger-long sticks
1
Crank your oven to 450°F. Lightly grease a rimmed baking sheet. Chop up your cauliflower into little trees no bigger than your thumb.
2
Whisk together the flour and water in a big bowl until a batter forms with no chunks. Did you already fuck up and it’s all chunky? Start that shit over again. Toss in the cauliflower and mix it around until all the pieces look a little coated. Spread the cauliflower out on the baking sheet and roast for 15 minutes. Mix those fuckers around halfway through roasting so all the sides get a little love.
3
Make the hot sauce. In a small saucepan, mix the oil, Sriracha, vinegar, and soy sauce. Heat that over a low heat until the sauce is warm but not bubbling. Turn off the heat and leave it alone.
4
Now it’s time for the peanut dipping sauce. In a medium glass, whisk together the water and peanut butter until it looks all creamy. Add all the other ingredients and keep stirring until everything is incorporated. Stick that in the fridge until it’s go time.
5
After 15 minutes in the oven, dump the cauliflower back in a big bowl and toss it with the hot sauce mixture from the stovetop. Make sure everything is coated. Drop those motherfuckers back on the baking sheet, leaving the extra sauce in the bowl, and roast for another 3 minutes just so everything is warm and delicious.
