Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (2 page)
Read Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck Online
Authors: Thug Kitchen
Baked Goods and Motherfucking Dessert
Crispy Millet and Peanut Butter Buckeyes
Chocolate Chip and Almond Butter Cookies
Blueberry Walnut Lavender Scones
Shredded Carrot and Apple Muffins
Peanut Butter and Banana Nut Muffins
Welcome to Thug Kitchen, bitches. We’re here to help. We started our website to inspire motherfuckers to eat some goddamn vegetables and adopt a healthier lifestyle. Our motto is simple:
EAT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK
And why not? You eat three times a day. That seems like an adequate amount of fucks to give on a daily basis. But why does the transition from the drive-thru to homemade meals seem so fucking impossible? Maybe it’s because the people who tell you how to cook healthy food come off as so fucking phony. There is an aura of elitism surrounding eating well, and so many people tend to associate health with wealth. As we learned how to cook for ourselves, we couldn’t identify with these beautiful bloggers in their big-ass kitchens waxing poetic about fennel pollen as they stirred up their chanterelle-studded sauces.
We don’t need theories to explain why people choose convenience foods over home-cooked meals; we’ve been there. We grew up like most people: Dinners never took more than 10 minutes to heat up and everything was centered around meat and slathered in cheese. We accepted the idea of eating shit because we legitimately thought it was how food was supposed to be. With our parents busy at work and our attention focused on Ninja Turtles, we didn’t fucking bother to learn how to cook for ourselves. This was a time when companies were coloring ketchup purple and teal for whateverthe-fuck marketing campaign they were running. Potato chips had a goddamn disclaimer on the bag about how the oil might cause anal leakage. What the fuck, right? Those were some dark days in food. We didn’t think we had enough time or money to learn how to cook real food for ourselves, so we willingly ate that fucking nonsense. So, no, we didn’t grow up in wheatgrass-covered huts on some hippie commune. We are your next-door neighbors and somewhere along the way, we learned to eat right. And you can too. Virtue
untested is no virtue at all or some shit like that, right?
You might already be down with cooking, but vegetables keep getting left out of a lot of dinners. Veggies got a bad rap they are still trying to shake. We feel you. While bougie motherfuckers were starting to discover microgreens and nettles, we were still out in the land of frozen peas and iceberg lettuce. None of us really knew how to cook a vegetable so that it didn’t taste like a soggy gym sock, so we just thought all veggies were bunk. Look: Cooking vegetables takes a minute and a little finesse, but it’s not fucking rocket science. It’s easier to sauté kale with some garlic than it is to eat pizza bites without burning the fuck out of your tongue. We just hadn’t tried.
As we learned how to do all that grown-up bullshit like drive a car, pay taxes, and own a vacuum, we got to wondering why we were avoiding the kitchen and real meals. Sure, we would have to work at it and probably burn some shit and fuck up a whole dinner, but we deserved
better than a pathetic Hot Pocket. Slowly but surely we started schooling ourselves on how to shop on a budget and cook simple, healthy meals. Once we got out on our own and couldn’t afford cable to distract us, we really got our shit together. Our friends were impressed by even the simplest meals we made for them and all we could think was: Why doesn’t everyone know how to do this? It’s not that fucking hard. After plenty of practice, we are here to show you the way and save y’all some time.
These days, trying to do right by your body and palate comes with a fuckton of baggage, but it shouldn’t have to. Nobody should apologize for trying to take care of themselves or have to struggle just to get better food for their families. You don’t have to be some uptown asshole to pay attention to what you eat. We’ve got to start taking better care of ourselves because nobody else is going to give a damn. We decided to speak up and let people know that nobody has a monopoly on the right way to eat. Consider this book our invitation to you to elevate your nutrition and kitchen game. No matter who you are or where you are from, you are welcome at our table and to this conversation about diet. Shit is about to get real. Now pull up a fucking seat.
Nobody wants to eat grass clippings and tree roots, but everybody knows that all this fast food and processed shit hasn’t been doing our wallets or our waistlines any favors. You don’t get to order dinner from your car and have it ready in 3 minutes without trading off some shit along the way. We really need to renegotiate this food deal, because we’re all getting fucked. We can’t afford the hype. These days American households spend 42 percent of their food budget on grub prepared outside their homes. It isn’t a party if you do it every fucking day, right? And let’s be honest, you aren’t ordering the salad. All that sodium and
cholesterol ain’t helping anything, and your lack of fiber is going to cause serious problems for your asshole. Yeah, wake the fuck up and take this seriously. Do it for your asshole; you two have always been close.
You already know that you need to eat more goddamn vegetables. So the fuck what? Well not only are they delicious when cooked right, but they have your back as soon as you chew their asses up. Vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, fiber, and a whole lot of other tricks are packed into these miracle foods without a bunch of empty calories clogging your shit up. There isn’t a plastic-wrapped meal in any drive-thru or sitting on any shelf that can step to that. The average calorie intake in the U.S. rose almost 25 percent between 1970 and 2000 and we guarantee that wasn’t all broccoli and spinach. Fruits and vegetables fill you up without packing on extra baggage that your body will have to deal with later. Studies have found that people who eat more than five servings of fruits and vegetables per day have a 20 percent lower risk of coronary heart disease compared with people who ate three servings or less. How much of your plate has veggies on it now? Drop the grease-stained bag and reflect on that shit.
OK, so plant-based meals are “good” for you, but what the fuck are you going to do about it, right? We’re too practical to leave you hanging like that. This shit right here is a collection of all our best-loved meals, snacks, and sides for beginning cooks all the way to people who know their way around a farmers’ market. We tagged some of our recipes with info about all the nutritious shit piled in them so you can pick up some knowledge while you grub. It will be just like how you used to read the cereal box while you ate, only without all those cartoon animals that wear shirts and no pants. We are going to arm you with all the info and techniques you need to go and kick a bunch of ass on your own. We’ve labored over this book to help you become the baddest motherfucker in the kitchen. These pages will be your guide to some next-level skills. No lectures and no bullshit—just
some plant-based recipes with a fuckton of swearing and a dash of health advice for good measure.
We like to have a good time in the kitchen and you should too. You are going to be one clever culinary motherfucker when we are done with you.
In your hands you hold the first step to becoming one bad motherfucker in the kitchen. All of the general info is here in front so you get the basics down and then ease on in to the recipes. We wish we could come over and help you with dinner but you didn’t invite us, so fuck you.
The first rule of
Thug Kitchen
is: Read the recipe. Second rule of
Thug Kitchen
? READ THE GODDAMN RECIPE. Be sure that you read that shit all the way through before you start to cook. Take the time to look over any details in the bigger picture that might trip you up. You can also look up anything you might have questions about before you’ve overcooked the dish and start to panic. Nothing is worse than getting to a crucial point in a recipe and realizing that the next thing you need is dirty in the sink, or you don’t know if you can substitute rice flour for wheat flour, meanwhile you’re hustling while your food is burning up. Don’t just glance at a recipe and assume you’ve got that shit. Save yourself the stress and read the entire fucking thing. If you’re a beginner, just take a goddamn minute to learn.
