Through The Lens (28 page)

There are times when
you should let the moment lie. And times, when your mouth should stay shut, and
it doesn’t. “What about Carly?” I asked.

“Carly was a dream, and
I had to let her go so she could shine,” he said absently.

Taking my hand, we
walked back to the bunker.  There we stopped.  For a moment I waited before I
asked, “Is there something wrong?”

Shaking himself out of
his inward thoughts, he didn’t answer my question.  Instead, he asked, “Are you
hungry?”

“Yes,” I replied
because I was.

Camp-style, we sat cross-legged on the
floor of his living room eating Chinese.  Not often getting to eat out because
my mother liked to cook, I had no idea how to use chopsticks.  He took it upon
himself to feed me at first.  It was all so romantic, like something out of a
novel.

“You’ve never had lo
mein?” he asked, sounding completely astonished picking up more food destiny
for my mouth.

“No,” I confessed.
“I’ve had fried rice and General Tso’s chicken, but that’s about it.  My Mom is
like a cooking machine.  She says we shouldn’t eat all of that stuff because of
preservatives and cholesterol.”

“What about
McDonald’s?” he asked, smirking at me, still holding the food at bay.

“We had it. Not a lot,
but we got to eat there when we were little on what my Mom called ‘treat
days,’” I said.

Suppressing a laugh, he
asked, “So what about now that you have your own car and can go eat wherever?”

It was a good question,
and I hoped my answer wouldn’t make him think I was strange. “I don’t have the
urge to eat out.  My Mom is a really good cook.  I figure once I go to college,
there will be plenty of time to eat unhealthy. “What I didn’t say was that I
was trying not to gain back all I’d lost.  Eating this Chinese would mean extra
miles.  But he didn’t have to know that.

 Mumbling a response,
he took another bite.  I figured now was as good a time as any to ask my own
questions.  His mood seemed better, and frankly I didn’t want to have a
relationship with someone I was on eggshells with all the time. “So, Lucy
stopped by my locker after school today.”

That gave him pause. I
couldn’t gage his response so I just gave it a second more to marinate. “She
warned me that you were just using me while you waited for her to take you
back.”

Swallowing, he burst
out in loud guffaws. I took this to mean that I was correct in my assessment of
Lucy’s delusions. “She said that?” he asked when his laughter subsided.  I
nodded.  “You didn’t believe that, did you?”  Shaking my head, he said, “Good,
but that was truly funny.”

I hadn’t believed her
but his boisterous laughter only made me wonder more.  Lucy didn’t have a
reputation as being a psycho.  So, on some level she really must have thought
he was into her.  “What was between you two?” I asked.

The remnants of his
laughter died. “She was convenient, that’s all.”

“Convenient for what?”
I asked dumbly.  My mind had been on Allie.  He had her in some weird friends
with benefits relationship.  The look he gave me said it all. “Oh, I see.”  Now
was the moment, so I just let it slip. “What does that make me?”

Putting the chopsticks
down, he reached out to me with his hand.  Rubbing his thumb over my lips, he
said, “You’re my girlfriend.”

“I am,” I said, adding
to how stupid I sounded. He shook his head yes. “What are your expectations?” I
asked.  As much as I wanted to be with him, I needed to know if he was going to
be okay if I wasn’t ready for things he may be used to.

“I have none,” he said,
never taking his eyes from mine. I didn’t speak.  “Oh, you mean sex.” I nodded. 
“I’m a guy. So I think about it. But I can wait however long until you’re
ready.”

Moving to take my fork
to the food, he picked up his chopsticks and fed me a bite.  Chewing slowly,
like my mother taught me, I thought long and hard about my next question.  Some
may have believed I was sabotaging my relationship.  But truthfully, Lucy had
put some fear into me.  This guy could be considered out of my league.  I had
to know he was sure about me and how different I was to other girls he’s dated.
“And how long are you willing to wait.”

He had a mouthful of
food, so I didn’t take the silence as a bad thing.  It was poor timing on my
part to ask a question when he was taking a bite of food.  Once he finished, he
said, “I’m willing to wait for however long it takes.”

“And what if I don’t
ever want to?” I asked, trying to get him to really think about this.

“Jess, sex isn’t
everything.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great.  But doing it with some girl you
want to forget in the morning and who you desperately hope will lose your
number isn’t all that it's cracked up to be.” Shocked by the blatant honesty of
his words, I just blinked in response. “Stop over thinking this,” he said.
“Let’s just be.”

Lying in bed that
night, I didn’t know who I was fooling.  Ethan’s presence heated my blood.  My
nerve endings tingled whenever I was around him.  And this just didn’t start. I
had to admit it had always been that way since the first day I met him.  Josh
was great for a time, but he never made me feel this way.  Which was why it was
so easy to let him go.  Not wanting to think of myself as easy, I knew that if
Ethan made a move, I would give in.

The morning brought
fireworks.  “Jessica Shelby, what have you done to your hair?” My Mom cried
out. I hadn’t expected her to be home, but lately she’d been here in the
mornings.  Before I could answer, my father came in and starred at me.  Kyle
followed.  Jenna was gratefully missing.

“I just needed a
change,” I said simply.

My Mom having no answer
stood with her mouth gaping.

Kyle said, “Damn, Jess,
I wouldn’t have guessed that was you.”

“Kyle, language,” my
father admonished. “Jess, it looks nice,” he added tactfully.

“Thanks Dad,” I said
giving him a warm smile. “And thanks, Kyle.  That was kind of what I was going
for.”

Picking up an orange
and a buttered English muffin, I walked outside already having my backpack on. 
No need to stay for my Mom to find her tongue.

 I was on autopilot to
Bradley’s house when I saw Ethan at my curb. “Hey,” I said shaking off my
shock.

“I may not be allowed
at school today, but I can take you there,” he said. His suspension would last
through the week.

“You didn’t have to,” I
said. “Thanks.”

Bradley was outside a
few doors down looking at us.  I waved to him, and he waved back getting my
message.  While he got in his own car, I hopped into Ethan’s massive SUV. “No
motorcycle,” I teased. 

“I knew you were
expecting me.  I wasn’t sure if you would be wearing a skirt,” he said.

“Well, as you can see,
I’m not,” I teased back.

“Much to my disappointment,
or not,” he said, raking his eyes over me.  I was wearing skinny jeans that
hugged every curve I had.

Cheeks flushing, we
drove to school where he parked and we proceeded to make out in earnest until
the first bell. “I’ll pick you up if you don’t mind.”

“Can’t wait,” I said. 
Getting out, I saw Lucy standing off in the distance with smoke coming out of
her ears.  Too bad, I thought. He’s mine.

With Ethan and Josh
both absent from school, the rumors died out by midweek.  The biggest rumor was
my hair color change.  Madison and Bradley were both appalled, but supportive. 
Jenna didn’t look at me.  I spent most of the week, having half a dinner with
Ethan in the afternoons and half a dinner at home with my family.  The time
spent with Ethan couldn’t be considered studying.  He’d given me his locker
combination to bring books home for him.  I was pleased that he trusted me
enough.  If things went south between us, the school wouldn’t be sympathic that
I knew his combo give him a new locker.  Seeing me at his locker only made Lucy
more furious. 

Interestingly enough,
Jenna didn’t jump on the “I hate Jessa” party Lucy was spouting.  Jenna spent
lunch on the sidelines, apart from her friends even at the same table.  She
looked a little lost and sad.  Billy had moved on, or at least was making a
show of it.  He had his arm wrapped around another girl at the opposite end of
their table.

I should have relished
that my sister got what she deserved.  But I was cracking. 

“You should talk to
her,” Madison said, catching me looking in Jenna’s direction.

Turning back to my
friends, I said, “No, if she wants to, she can come to me.”

Sibling rivalry was
apparently taboo because my friends left that alone.  Bradley unusually quiet
as was Madison.  They weren’t making the googly eyes at each other.  That’s
when I remembered.  They were going to do it.  What a bad friend I’ve been. I
hadn’t even asked Madison about it.

“I have to go to the
media center before class, “ Madison said. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Bye,” I said.  Bradley
said nothing.  “What is going on?” I asked once Madison was out of earshot.

Guilt crossed Bradley’s
face. “I told her,” was all he said.

He didn’t have to
elaborate.  I knew. “You what?”

“We were going to, you
know.  And I just thought she should know all about me before we took that next
step,” he said.

“And?” I retorted.

“And, she was shocked. 
She said she needed time,” he said, not really looking at me but focusing on
the table.

Placing my hand on his,
I said, “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s cool.  She
should know.”

“It will be fine,” I
said.  He agreed without words.  Patting his hand, I said, “I’m going to go
talk to her.”

Not stopping me, I
figured he was okay with it.  Dumping my trash, I headed out the door, but I
was stopped.  “Why’d you do it?”

Looking at a face that
was all too familiar, I said, “I needed a change.” That had become my mantra.

“I never meant to hurt
you,” Jenna said.

“Really,” I said,
getting upset. “I mean kissing my boyfriend isn’t hurting me.”

“You were never really
into him, and you know it.  It was always that Ethan guy,” she said, countering
me but not really sounding angry. I remained quiet.

“I’ve always liked
Josh, I just couldn’t admit it.  It doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want me
now.  He still wants you,” she said sadly.

“Was it worth it?” I
asked. “You hurt Billy to get Josh and now you have neither.”

“No, Jessa, it’s
freaking awesome,” she said sarcastically, sounding more like herself.

“Whatever,” I said,
starting to walk away from her.

“You could talk to Josh
for me,” she said to my back.

Spinning on my heels, I
said, “Wow, that’s very big of you.  But how about
no
.”

“Changing your hair
color doesn’t stop the fact that we are sisters,” she said.

“You're right about
that.  We are sisters, and I wonder how you forgot,” I said, then left with the
last word.

The bell rung, so
talking to Madison was out.  I went through the rest of the day wondering what
I was going to say to her.

Outside, my eyes locked
with Ethan.  He was stunning in the sun, leaning on his motorcycle with a
smirk.

“Darn,” Madison said,
showing up on my side. “I was hoping to catch a ride with you.”

Taking her arm, I
pulled her off to the side onto the grass so that people wouldn’t have to walk
around us.  “Madison, Bradley loves you,” I said.

“Yeah, and he likes
guys, too,” she said.  When I didn’t appear properly shocked, she narrowed her
eyes. “You knew.”  I nodded and she accused, “And you didn’t tell me.”

“It wasn’t my place to
tell you, and I encouraged him to tell you,” I said.

Shaking her head in
disbelief, she said, “But he didn’t.”

“Um, that was my
fault.  I told him not to when he was.  And well, look see, you are
overreacting.”

Her eyebrows shot up.
“Hear me out. He didn’t say he cheated on you?”

“No,” she said.

“So what’s the
difference?  When you know he likes girls, do you think he is looking at
everyone assessing whether or not he should cheat on you with one?”

Defeated, figuring out
where I was going with this, she stated, “No.”

“Okay then.  So he
finds guys attractive.  That doesn’t mean that he is searching for a potential
boyfriend. You know him.  He was your friend long before he was your
boyfriend.  At the very least, you owe him your friendship and allow him to
explain.”

“You’re right,” she
said.  She moved with purpose through the other students, making her way over
to Bradley.  He sat on the hood of his car.  I couldn’t hear what they said, so
I just watched.  Lightly she punched him on his arm.  I say lightly because he
didn’t flinch or move.  Then, she said something to him, and he took her hand
in his.  Their fingers didn’t interlink.  He smiled and they made their way to
opposite sides of the car and got in.  When they drove off, I could only hope
it would work out.  Bradley would be heartbroken otherwise.