The Way We Were (27 page)

Christ! How much had he heard? Alice felt a pain shoot through her chest. She thought she was having a heart attack.

Jools and Holly froze. Ben stood in the doorway, not moving.

Alice knew she had to take control. ‘Girls, why don’t you go up to your rooms? It’s getting late.’

Neither moved. Ben went towards Jools. ‘Goodnight, darling.’ He reached out to hug her. She fell into his arms.

‘Goodnight, Dad.’

‘Sleep well, Jools. I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ Jools said, her voice quivering.

Ben went over to give Holly a hug. ‘Goodnight, Holly. I love you very much too.’

‘Me too, Daddy, so much.’ Holly followed her sister out of the room, but not before looking back at her mother. Her eyes were full of fear. Alice knew she had to make this better somehow.

She was shaken by what Jools had said. When she’d gone to meet Dan and they’d ended up in bed, it had never occurred to her that she was cheating: it was just being with Dan, like before. But Jools was right – before, she had been a widow, but now her husband was back and she
was
cheating. She had never been unfaithful to Ben in all the years of their marriage. Yet today she had been. Today she had gone behind her husband’s back and slept with another man.

She was behaving as if she was still a widow, not married, but single. How could she have done such a thing and not even realized it? Alice took ragged deep breaths, trying to calm her heart rate and think straight.

When the girls left, there was silence. Alice stood still, afraid to move or speak. Ben closed the kitchen door softly and went to the fridge.

‘I think I need a drink. Would you like some wine?’ he asked.

Alice nodded. She watched as Ben poured two large glasses. She noticed that his hands were trembling. She sat down, afraid her legs would give way from under her.

Ben remained standing, leaning against the counter. ‘So I gather there is someone else?’

Alice nodded.

Ben took a long sip of his wine. ‘Do I know him?’

‘No.’

‘How long have you been together?’

‘Six months.’

‘Was it …’ he stumbled over his words ‘ … Is it serious?’

Alice’s mind was whirring. If he was asking if it was serious, he mustn’t have heard Jools mention moving into Dan’s house. ‘It was getting there,’ she said, treading softly.

‘Who is he?’

‘Dan Penfold. He’s a businessman, he’s … a …’ Alice trailed off. Ben didn’t need to hear how successful Dan was.

‘Do the girls know him well?’

Alice swallowed. ‘Not very … quite … They had got to know him better just recently.’

‘I see.’

Alice cleared her throat. She had to make him understand that they didn’t leave him behind: they were just trying to live life. ‘The girls mourned for you so much, Ben. They were so
sad, and so was I. We were shattered. Then I met Dan and he was nice to me and nice to the girls. Not in any way trying to be a father to them, just nice and kind. He has an older daughter they got on well with.’

‘How did you meet him?’

Alice knew this was going to hurt, but she couldn’t lie. ‘A dinner party at David and Pippa’s. He lives next door to them.’

Ben’s whole face caved in. He looked as if he’d been punched.

‘David set you up with him?’ he gasped.

‘It wasn’t like that.’ Alice was desperate to explain. ‘David and Pippa invited me for dinner. They invited me out lots of times and most of the time I said no because I was too upset and low. They were just being kind, wanting to see if I was all right and trying to get me out of the house. They didn’t know that anything would … well …’

‘Happen,’ Ben finished Alice’s sentence.

Alice reached out to touch Ben’s hand, but he pulled it back. ‘Ben,’ she said gently, ‘I know this must seem awful, like a betrayal, but you have to remember, I believed you were dead.’

Ben looked up at her for the first time. ‘I know you did. I know the girls did. I’m aware of that fact. I’ve thought about it every single day since I was captured. It torments me, it haunts me and it eats me up inside.’

Alice fought back tears. ‘I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just a mess, really. It’s been such a shock for all of us.’

‘Are you still seeing Dan?’ Ben asked.

Alice paused. ‘I’ve only seen him once since you came back.’

Ben took a long, deep drink, then asked, ‘Do you love him?’

Alice covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want
Ben to see her eyes. He had always been able to read them. He knew when she was lying.

‘Jesus, Ben, I don’t know. I mean, I just … I’m not sure about anything.’

‘I see.’

Alice peeped through her fingers. Ben looked broken. ‘Oh, Ben, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so glad you’re back. I’m so glad you’re alive. The girls are so happy and it’s wonderful. I’m still in shock, I think, and I need to get used to it all, and then … well … then … we’ll see, I guess. I love you, Ben … I do. It’s just different. Everything has changed … I think we both have to … I … we …’ Alice didn’t know how to finish the sentence because she didn’t know how she felt or what was going to happen.

Her head ached and she felt sick with sorrow, guilt and loneliness. The strange thing was that, in the midst of everything going on, she felt incredibly lonely. She couldn’t be with Dan and she was trying and failing to be with Ben. In the middle of all this drama, Alice was alone. No one could help her. It was something she was going to have to figure out by herself.

Ben moved towards the back door. ‘I need a cigarette. This has been a lot to take in.’

Alice stood up and reached out a hand to him.

He ignored it. ‘I’m not blaming you. I’m not angry. I knew it was a possibility. You’re a beautiful woman – of course men would want to be with you. It’s just a bit too real now.’

‘Ben, I’m sorry … it’s not …’

‘It’s okay. I just need to think.’

Alice watched as Ben walked slowly out to the garden bench and lit a cigarette. He stared at the sky as he exhaled long lines of smoke. Alice felt afraid. Very afraid. She knew she had hurt him and she hadn’t meant to. She loved him: she just wasn’t sure that she was still in love with him.

Ben waited until they had all left the house for work and school, then sat down to Google Dan Penfold. He typed in the name and immediately hundreds of articles came up about him. Who the hell was this guy? Ben skimmed through Dan’s Wikipedia page. Jesus Christ, he was a multi-millionaire property baron.

Ben zoomed in on a photo of him. He was older than Ben, but Ben could see that he was good-looking and his confidence jumped out of the photo.

Ben cursed. He hadn’t imagined his rival would be so bloody successful. He felt his confidence sag. Before Eritrea he’d always been very sure of himself, proud of his achievements and full of self-belief. But those two years had knocked him. Now he saw how important it was that he regain his confidence if he was going to win Alice back.

Ben needed to talk to someone. He certainly wasn’t going to call David. He knew it wasn’t David’s fault, but he couldn’t help being annoyed that his best friend had introduced Alice to Dan. Besides, now he knew why David had run out of the pub when Ben had been spouting on about how great it was that Alice hadn’t met anyone. He felt like a complete fool. He also felt incredibly alone. He badly needed to talk to the one person he could be totally honest with. He picked up his mobile and dialled.

‘Morning, Benji,’ Declan bellowed.

‘You sound chipper.’

‘I’ve been for a run and had breakfast already. I’ve decided to cut down on the boozing. Billy said it was making my nightmares worse and that I needed to calm down and start living a more normal life, as he so politely put it.’

‘Good for Billy.’

‘Ah, sure, he’s a rock of sense. How are you? You sound down.’

Ben smiled. Declan knew him too well. ‘I found out last night that Alice has been seeing someone else.’

‘Shite.’

‘Shite indeed.’

‘Is it serious?’

‘I don’t know. I think it might be. Alice was cagey about how serious it is, which implies that it’s serious.’

‘Don’t jump to conclusions. It might not be. It could well be a fling.’

‘No, it’s definitely more than that. It’s been going on for about six months and the girls know him quite well. I think … I think Alice is in love with him.’

‘Shite.’

‘Yes.’

‘How did she meet him?’

Ben winced. ‘David introduced them. He’s David’s next-door neighbour.’

‘Ouch.’

‘Yes, that did hurt.’

‘Mind you, if we’re being fair, they did all think you were dead.’

Ben stirred sugar into his coffee. ‘I know that. Rationally I know I have no right to be annoyed or upset, but I am. I want to punch someone – preferably this guy Dan. Alice said David was just being nice and trying to get her out of the
house, but why the hell did he have to introduce her to an eligible single multi-millionaire?’

‘Multi-millionaire?’

‘He’s absolutely loaded. Apparently he’s worth over six hundred million.’

‘Bollox.’

‘My sentiments exactly.’

‘Never mind, Benji. You’re a tall, dark, handsome surgeon, who spent two years surviving in captivity only to escape like Indiana fecking Jones. Dan has nothing on you.’

Ben laughed. ‘When you put it like that …’

‘The only thing he has on you is six hundred million quid, but who cares about money? Alice married you because she loved you. You had a great life together. This guy probably swept her off her feet a bit – wining and dining and all that – but that’s probably all it was, just a bit of spoiling and luxury. You’ve got years of history with Alice, don’t forget that. This is just a flash in the pan.’

‘Maybe.’ Ben desperately wanted to think that was all it was, but deep down he knew it was more than that. He could read Alice like a book. She couldn’t look at him last night when he’d asked her about Dan. He could see she was trying not to give too much away. She was definitely serious about him.

Ben rested his head against the cupboard. ‘Why did it have to happen, Declan? Why did the bastards have to keep us there for so long? Everything is so messed up now.’

‘We both know that looking back and asking why will drive us insane. Come on, Ben, you have to look forward. You can take this guy on. You just need to make Alice fall for you again. You need to remind her of who you are, how brilliant you are, how happy you two used to be and how happy you
can be again. You can do it, Ben. Now, come on, fight for her. You’re Indiana Jones, remember that.’

‘Thanks, mate.’

‘Anytime.’

‘I wish you lived round the corner so we could go to the pub and drink pints and you could fix my life for me.’

‘You’re going to sort this out. You can do it. And remember, I’m only ever a phone call away. Seriously, Ben, if you ever need me, I’ll be on a plane in a second.’

‘Thanks, and likewise.’

Ben could hear Declan lighting a cigarette. ‘My life is less complicated than yours. I’m a single man. But I know you’ll work it out with Alice, I really believe it, but it’s going to take time and effort.’

‘I just feel so tired all the time, you know?’

‘I do. It’s not easy putting those two years behind us. Not easy at all.’

Ben said nothing. There was nothing to say. Eritrea would always be with them, but hopefully the effects would fade with time.

‘I’ve decided to bring Billy and Sean to the welcome-home party in January.’

Ben groaned. He was dreading it. Theo Halston, the chief executive of the hospital, had insisted on throwing a party for the two men. Ben really didn’t want a party. He’d kept putting it off until Halston had finally pinned him down to a date. Ben felt that a party was ridiculous and embarrassing. He just wanted to be with his family and get back to work, instead of repeating his story over and over again to people he barely knew.

‘It’s a bloody pain in the arse, but let’s just have a few drinks and try to get through it. I presume you’re bringing Alice?’

‘Definitely.’

‘It’ll do her good to see you back in your old workplace with the nurses falling all over you. A bit of jealousy is no harm. Right, I’d better go, I’ve got an appointment with my shrink. She says I’m “doing very well considering”. Considering I was chained to you for two years, it’s a fecking miracle I’m normal at all.’

They both laughed. It felt good to laugh.

‘Good luck with the shrink and thanks again.’

‘Anytime, mate.’

Ben woke up drenched in sweat, his heart racing. He slipped out of bed and went down to the kitchen. He pulled on his coat and shoes, went out to the garden and sat on the bench. He glared at the tree, whose bare branches shimmered in the moonlight. He lit a cigarette and shivered in the cold. His head ached from the nightmare he’d just had. It was the same dream every time: they were escaping and suddenly, out of nowhere, Eyob appeared. He held up his rifle, aimed it at Ben’s face and pulled the trigger.

Ben wondered if he’d ever sleep properly again. Alice had offered him sleeping pills, but he didn’t want to take them. He was afraid of becoming muddled and groggy. He needed to be clear-headed to figure out how to fit back into his old life and win his wife’s affection.

It was hard trying to find his place again. Everyone had moved on. Alice was so independent now: she never asked his advice or looked for him to pay a bill or help around the house. He felt useless. He longed to go back to work.

Jools had a tutor to help her with her schoolwork. Ben had offered to fill in, but Alice said things were going well with the tutor and she didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’. She told him to relax and put his feet up, but that was the last thing he
wanted. He was lost with nothing to do. When he’d offered to cook dinner last week, he’d had a panic attack in the middle of doing it, and by the time it had passed, the chicken was burnt. They’d all eaten it and pretended it was nice, but that was almost worse. He wanted them to treat him like they did in the old days. He wanted them to make gagging noises and say it was ‘disgusting’. But they were still being kind and gentle with him and it was beginning to drive him crazy.

The back door opened. Ben turned around to see Jools coming out to him. He was relieved. Jools was the only one who treated him the same way. She was pulling her coat on over her pyjamas.

‘Can I have one?’ She pointed to the cigarettes.

‘Certainly not. They’re bad for you.’

‘Come on, Dad, I smoke too, you know.’

‘Since when?’

‘Since you died.’ Jools smirked.

‘Sorry about that.’

‘Dad!’ Jools cried. ‘Stop bloody apologizing. It wasn’t your fault you got kidnapped.’

‘It was my decision to go, though, and your mum did ask me not to.’

Jools pulled a cigarette out of the packet and lit it. ‘Yes, but Mum never wanted you to go anywhere. She wanted all of us at home, safe. I know it’s because her parents died, but she was a pain about it.’

Ben shook his head. ‘She was right, Jools. I shouldn’t have gone to Eritrea, it was selfish. I went because I wanted adventure. I was restless and only thinking about myself.’

‘So what? Everyone’s selfish in their own way. You mustn’t feel bad, Dad – it’s stopping you being happy. It’s over now. We’ve got you back and that’s all that matters.’

‘I’m so glad to be home. I used to lie awake at night in that
tent and worry about you so much. I knew you’d think I’d been killed and I hated you not having a dad.’

Jools blew out a line of smoke. ‘It was shit. We were all devastated. Mum was so sad all the time, but she was amazing too. She was so good to me and Holly. In a weird way, the whole thing made me and Mum closer. But in the beginning Mum was like a zombie. Kevin moving in really kept us all going. He was brilliant.’

‘How did you and Holly cope with it all?’

Jools looked away. ‘Holly read zillions of books and followed Mum around like a lost puppy.’

Ben closed his eyes. He felt sick. ‘And you, Jools?’

‘I just kind of got on with it. It’s a bit of a blur.’

Ben knew his daughter too well. ‘Jools, come on, tell me the truth. I can take it. It’s me, Dad, you can talk to me.’

‘I was okay, honestly,’ Jools said, as tears fell down her cheeks.

‘Jools.’ Ben mopped them with the back of his hand. ‘There were times when I thought I’d never see you again that I wanted to die. I know it was awful for you. Be honest with me.’

‘Well, I did some silly things, but that’s all over now.’

‘Like what?’

‘Nothing, stupid stuff.’

‘Jools?’

Jools stubbed out her cigarette with her slipper and slowly pulled up the sleeve of her coat.

‘Oh, Jesus.’ Ben felt sick as he looked at the zigzag of scars on his daughter’s arm. He had caused this. He forced himself to remain calm. He wanted Jools to talk to him. But all he really wanted to do was pull her to him, hold her and never let her go.

‘I needed to feel pain. The cutting helped me release the pain inside. Does that make sense?’

‘Yes, but it’s only ever temporary. Have you stopped? Please tell me you’ve stopped.’

‘Yes.’

‘God, Jools, I’m sor–’

‘STOP!’ Jools put up her hands.’ Don’t say it. It’s over, Dad. We need to look to the future now. I want us to be happy again.’

‘So do I. But, Jools, do you promise never to cut yourself again?’

‘Yes. I want to wear short sleeves. I spent the whole summer roasting in long ones. Besides, the reason I cut was because I thought you were dead, but you’re not. I’m happy now, Dad. But you don’t seem happy. What’s wrong?’

Ben lit another cigarette. ‘I am happy, darling. I’m back with you, which is all I dreamt of. I’m just adjusting to it, as are you and Holly and Mum. It’s a bit of a shock for you all, having me walk back into your lives. It’ll take a little time to adjust and get back to normal.’

‘How are you and Mum getting on? Really?’ Jools asked.

Ben shuffled about. He didn’t want to talk to his daughter about his problems with her mother. ‘Fine.’

‘Dad, I’m eighteen. I can vote, join the army, drink, buy a house, get married and get a tattoo. You don’t have to protect me.’

Ben smiled. ‘Please don’t get a tattoo.’

‘I will if you don’t talk to me. I’ll get a huge one that says “My dad came back from the dead”. So, how are you and Mum?’

Ben put his hands into his coat pockets for warmth. ‘She’s changed. So have I, but I can’t seem to get close to her.
She’s always so busy. We haven’t had a proper chance to reconnect.’

‘So, go away for a holiday. I can keep an eye on Holly.’

‘I suggested that, but she said she was up to her eyes with work and looking after you two, and lots of other excuses. I don’t think she wants to be on her own with me, to be honest.’ Ben turned to Jools. ‘She told me the whole story about Dan.’

Jools took a long drag of her cigarette. ‘Mum didn’t even want to go to that dinner party, but Holly and I made her. She needed to start living again. She’d been so sad, Dad. She was so heartbroken. We wanted her to be happy. Anyway, that’s where she met Dan. He was nice to her and they got on well.’

‘Was it very serious?’

Ben watched as Jools paused, searching for the right words. ‘Quite … not really … kind of.’

‘Is he a nice person? Alice said he is.’

Jools nodded. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered.

‘For what?’

‘For liking someone else. I never loved him or anything, but I feel bad that I even liked him.’

Ben hugged her. ‘Jools, I’m genuinely glad that someone was nice to you and Mum and Holly. I’m glad you had a nice time after all that grief. You have nothing to be sorry for.’

‘I love you, Dad.’ Jools clung to him.

‘Oh, Jools, I love you too. And I’m not angry with anyone about Dan. It’s only to be expected. Your mum thought I was dead. She’s a beautiful woman. I knew she would have met someone.’

Jools put her hand on his arm. ‘She loves you, Dad. You should have seen how upset she was when she thought you were dead. She was absolutely devastated. Dan was just
someone who came along and was nice to her. You need to make Mum fancy you again. Do nice things for her and … I don’t know … tell her she’s fabulous and buy her presents and stuff. It works for me.’

Ben kissed his daughter’s forehead. ‘Thanks, Jools. Very good advice. Now, I don’t want you to worry about anything. Everything is going to be fine. And you’re right, we all need to look to the future and leave the past behind.’