The Way We Were (23 page)

Today was the best day EVER. Daddy came home. He looked the same but different. He is thinner and older, but the same really.

When he walked through the door he stopped like he was in shock or something. He just kept staring at Mummy and me and Jools. We were staring back, and then we all hugged and it was just so amazing.

Granddad seemed really happy too – except he’s not very good at showing it. I think he was a bit awkward because everyone was crying, even David and Daddy. Declan’s family, who are very loud and a bit scary, were all crying, too, and shouting and jumping up and down.

Mummy always says Granddad isn’t good at showing his emotions. She says he’s ‘a cold fish’. But I think he probably felt a bit worse today because he hasn’t seen Mummy or us since last Christmas, when he told Mummy that Daddy was too good for her and that he should have married a nice English girl who would have kept him at home and out of danger.

It was wrong of him to say it and I was proud of Mummy because she kept her cool. She didn’t shout, she just asked him to leave the house. She hadn’t spoken to him again until yesterday, when she called him to tell him about Daddy being alive.

I’m sure things will be fine again between them now Daddy’s back. I texted Kevin to tell him how great Daddy
looks. He was waiting for us at home with a big surprise tea for Daddy. Jools and I stayed up late last night, decorating the house. We didn’t have any ‘welcome home’ banners or balloons, but we found lots of
Happy Birthday
ones left over from Jools’s eighteenth so we used them instead.

Daddy and Declan did their interview at the Savoy Hotel. We stayed in a big suite with Declan’s family and watched it all on the TV.

Mummy was on her phone when the interview started. I went out to get her, but she was crying really hard and saying, ‘I love you too. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. I’m sorry.’

I knew then that she was talking to Dan and I felt sick. I knew she’d have to tell Dan and talk to him, but when she said, ‘I love you,’ it made me scared. She needs to love Daddy now.

She looked up and saw me. She jumped and then said she’d follow me in, and when she did, her eyes were really red and her hands were shaking. I felt sorry for her. It’s all so confusing. I held her hand and she clung on tight.

There were so many people waiting to hear Daddy’s story – loads of cameras were flashing the whole time. It was so weird to see him sitting at a long table with a huge microphone in front of him. But he didn’t look a bit scared. He and Declan even made the people laugh, even though they were telling them how awful it was. Daddy was actually chained up every night. I nearly started crying when he said that.

Daddy was just brilliant, and all the journalists laughed when Declan said he wanted to have lots of sex with lots of women. He really is a bit mad, but in a good way.

When one journalist asked Daddy what had kept him going through the dark times, Daddy looked into the camera
and said, ‘Dreaming of being back with my beautiful wife and two incredible daughters.’

Declan’s family, Pippa and David all cheered and Jools and I cried. Mummy just looked really sad. Billy, Declan’s dad, leant over and said into her ear, ‘He really loves you. It’ll all be fine.’ Mummy gave him a little smile, but it wasn’t a happy one.

I knew she was thinking about Dan, but I blocked him from my mind. Today should be about Daddy and only Daddy.

Another journalist asked them if they had been treated badly or tortured. It went really quiet in the room except for Declan’s brother, Sean, who cursed under his breath.

Daddy and Declan looked at each other and then Daddy said, ‘We weren’t tortured. We were treated reasonably well. They had to keep us in relatively good health so we could operate. But there were certainly some very dark moments.’

Then Declan said, ‘Being away from your family and loved ones is a form of torture.’

Daddy nodded and looked like he was going to cry, but he didn’t. Then they were asked if they wanted revenge on their captors.

Daddy said, ‘Revenge would achieve nothing. The leader of the camp was killed in battle, which is how we managed to escape. There were some good people in the camp. But the best person was this man here.’ Daddy put his arm around Declan. ‘He is the brother I never had.’

Declan looked down, and then he said, ‘Ben saved my life and my sanity almost every day. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would have made it.’

That made me cry because you can see that they’re so close and really love each other. Billy was sobbing beside me. He was holding Jools’s hand and she was crying too.

When it was over, the journalists all stood up and clapped. We cheered.

I felt really tired then, and I was glad it was time to go home. We all said goodbye to Declan’s family. They were flying home to Dublin with Declan to have a big party.

The hotel staff were really nice. They knew we didn’t want to be photographed or anything so they got the journalists into a room for refreshments, then took us quickly to a back entrance and had a taxi waiting to take us home.

When Daddy and Declan said goodbye to each other, they hugged for a long time. Declan said, ‘I’ll miss you, Benji.’

I’d never heard anyone call Daddy ‘Benji’ before and it sounded funny.

Daddy said, ‘Me too. Call me.’

‘I will.’

‘Ah, for Jesus’ sake, will you come on? Haven’t you spent enough time together?’ Sean laughed at them.

‘Are you not sick of him?’ Eddie said. ‘I shared a room with him growing up and he drove me mental.’

‘He had his moments,’ Daddy said, and gave Declan one last hug.

We walked down the corridor together. Daddy was holding Mummy’s hand, but then her phone beeped so she let us walk on and started texting.

When we got home, Kevin was standing on the doorstep holding a big bunch of pink birthday balloons. Daddy said, ‘I see nothing’s changed, then.’

Mummy got cross and said, ‘Kevin saved all our lives. He was our rock.’

Then I explained about the balloons being left over from Jools’s birthday decorations and Daddy said he was so sorry he’d missed it. Jools said it was okay, but that he owed her a ‘seriously big present’.

Kevin gave Daddy a hug and Daddy said, ‘Thank you so much for looking after my three girls.’

Kevin was all pleased and Mummy smiled a real smile.

Then we went inside and Daddy stopped and looked around and walked really slowly through the house, as if it was his first time.

When he opened the kitchen door, and saw the decorations and the table full of all of his most favourite food, his eyes got watery.

He sat down in his chair – the same one he always sat in – and laid his head on the table.

Mummy went over and put her arms around him. ‘Welcome back.’

Daddy smiled. ‘I’ve dreamt of this so many times. I just can’t believe it’s true. God, I love you guys so much.’

‘We love you too,’ Jools said.

Mummy’s phone beeped. Jools glared at her. ‘Put it on silent. It’s interrupting us.’

Mummy went over to her bag and switched off her phone. I was glad she did because I didn’t want to be reminded of Dan.

We had a lovely dinner. Jools did most of the talking, filling Daddy in on school and boyfriends and her life. When Daddy asked me, I just gave him a short summary, but Mummy told him about the award I’d won for Best Essay and he said he was really proud.

When Jools asked Daddy about Eritrea, my stomach went all funny. You could see he didn’t really want to talk about it. He didn’t say much. He just said it had been very hard because he missed us terribly and that he had worked as a doctor there and tried to help people, that Declan had been a great friend and that he’d never leave us again.

That was the best part, because of the way he said it. He
looked into our eyes and said it like it was a promise. I totally believed him and it made me feel safe and warm inside.

It was when we were clearing up that he noticed it. ‘That’s new,’ he said, pointing to the cherry tree in the back garden.

Jools grabbed my arm. Mummy went over and put her hand on Daddy’s shoulder. ‘It’s a tree we planted when we heard you had … well … that you were gone.’

Daddy stopped moving. ‘Oh. I see. Well … it’s beautiful.’

We all went to bed at the same time because none of us had slept the night before and we were super-tired.

After brushing my teeth I came downstairs to get a glass of water and I heard Mummy and Kevin whispering at the front door.

‘Telling Dan was so hard, but I had to before he saw it on the news.’

‘What did he say?’ Kevin asked.

‘He said he loves me, and that he’ll wait for me.’

I wished I hadn’t heard that.

Alice sent Dan a quick text,
I’ll call you when I can talk XXXX
, then turned off her phone.

She drank a very large glass of wine, took a deep breath and went upstairs. Ben was sitting on their bed, waiting for her.

Alice busied herself with taking off her shoes and earrings. What would happen now? Would Ben want to have sex with her? Would he be able? Could she? Oh, God.

‘You’re so beautiful,’ Ben said, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her.

Alice tried to keep her body relaxed, but she was incredibly tense.

‘I’ve been waiting to hold you in my arms for so long. God, Alice, I missed you so much.’

Alice was afraid to speak. She thought she might cry. Ben turned her around to look at him. He leant in to kiss her.

‘Let’s turn the light off, shall we?’ Alice said, trying to buy time and hoping against hope that if it was dark it would be less strange and uncomfortable.

‘Do you mind if we don’t? I want to look at you.’ Ben’s pupils were dilated and Alice could feel his erection digging into her thigh.

Ben kissed her hard. He began to tug at her dress, pulling it so roughly that Alice was afraid it would rip. He spun her around and yanked down the zip. The dress fell to the floor.
Alice kicked it away from her ankles and watched as Ben tugged off his shirt and trousers.

When Alice saw her husband’s body, she tried not to gasp. He was so much thinner than she’d thought. His clothes had disguised his weight loss. His ribs jutted out.

Ben grabbed her and pulled her onto the bed. He was like a man possessed. He kissed her forcefully, shoving his tongue far into her mouth, then climbed on top of her. She could feel his urgency. He yanked her legs apart and entered her, pushing himself deep inside her. Alice tried not to cry out in pain. Ben grunted as he drove deeper and deeper. Alice tried to find a rhythm, but Ben kept thrusting until he cried out and collapsed on top of her.

Alice bit her lip to stop herself crying. Who was this man? She felt as if she’d just had sex with a total stranger.

Ben lay like a dead weight on top of her, his head buried in her shoulder, weeping. All Alice wanted to do was run into the shower and wash him away.

She lay still, waiting for him to move. After a few minutes he pulled his head back and looked at her, his face wet with tears. ‘Sorry if I was a bit eager. I’ve waited a long time for that. I just can’t believe I’m free and here. I’m with you.’ He started crying again and kissed her. ‘I love you so much, Alice.’

Alice pasted a smile on her face and kissed him gently on the lips. She moved her body and Ben rolled off her. Then she got up and went into the bathroom.

There, she ran the taps, sat on the floor and screamed silently into a towel. What was she going to do? He was her husband. She had to stay with him, but all she wanted to do was run to Dan and have him put his arms around her and protect her. She wanted to be shielded from this.

It wasn’t fair. She’d spent two years getting over Ben and
minding the girls, and just when her life was good again, he’d come back, different and damaged, and she had to drop everything and start all over again.

Was she a terrible person? He was Ben, her Ben. Her wonderful husband was alive. This should be the best day of her life, but it wasn’t. It was awful. She felt dirty and sick and sad – deeply sad.

‘Everything all right?’ Ben pushed the door open. Alice jumped up, wrapped the towel around herself and splashed water on her face.

‘Sorry, just a bit emotional,’ she said.

Ben, who was still naked – God, she wished he’d put on some clothes – came over and put his arms around her. ‘I know, me too. It’s a lot to take in.’

Alice moved away from him and walked back into the bedroom. She found her pyjamas, which she put on. ‘Do you mind if we sleep now? I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are too.’

‘If you like,’ Ben said, and climbed in beside her. Alice rolled away from him and closed her eyes, praying for sleep to take her away from reality.

She woke with a start and looked at the clock. It was two a.m. She turned slowly to see if Ben was asleep. He was lying on his back with his eyes wide open.

‘Can’t sleep. Too much adrenalin,’ he said.

‘I think I’ll get a glass of water.’ Alice began to get up.

‘No, let me get it for you. Stay there.’ Ben got up, put on his boxer shorts and went downstairs. Alice’s head was throbbing.

Ben appeared at the door with two glasses of water and a packet of cigarettes. ‘Do you mind if I smoke? I’ll do it by the window.’

Alice was surprised. Ben had always been very anti-smoking. Seeing her face, he said, ‘A bad habit I picked up from Declan. Smoking got us through some horrible nights.’

Alice sat up and cuddled her knees as Ben smoked his cigarette. Standing with the moonlight on his face and the shadows hiding his thin frame, he looked more like her old Ben.

‘Was it awful?’ she asked.

Ben paused. ‘Yes, but not because we were badly treated – compared to most kidnap victims we were treated quite well. They wanted to keep us in good health so we could operate. But the mental torture of not seeing you and the girls was acute. I knew when they blew up the car that you’d think we were dead and I found that very difficult to deal with.’

‘We got the call on Jools’s birthday.’

‘Christ.’ Ben rubbed his eyes.

‘It’s all right now,’ Alice soothed him. ‘She’s got you and her birthday back.’

Ben lit another cigarette. ‘How are they?’

Alice fiddled with one of her pyjama buttons. ‘They’re fine.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. The first year was awful – they were devastated – but this last year has been better. And now you’re back.’

‘Jools has grown up so much. She’s a woman!’ Ben said. ‘She’s so beautiful. She must have boys queuing up.’

Alice smiled. ‘They are.’

‘And Holly! My little girl is not so little.’

‘She’s taller, but she’s still the same,’ Alice said. ‘She’s probably a bit stronger and less naïve, but she’s still very sweet and gentle. I keep waiting for her hormones to kick in. Maybe when she turns fourteen next year it’ll all go crazy.’

Ben stubbed out his cigarette on the windowsill. ‘I’m so
sorry I left you, Alice. I’ve thought about it so much. I was a selfish bastard for going. I think I was having some kind of midlife crisis. I don’t know what it was, really, but I can see how self-centred I’d become. I didn’t appreciate what I had. I didn’t understand how incredibly lucky I was. But I do now. I really, really do.’ Ben’s voice broke.

Alice didn’t hesitate. She went to him and took him in her arms. He cried into her shoulder and repeated over and over, ‘I’m sorry, Alice, I’m so sorry.’

Alice rubbed his back. ‘It’s okay. Everything’s okay.’

They stood like that at the window until Ben’s sobs subsided. Then they fell into bed, spent after the roller-coaster day.

Ben slept but had nightmares. He tossed and turned and muttered and cried out in his sleep. Beside him, Alice lay awake, watching his distress and wondering what lay ahead.

‘Rise and shine, sleepyheads!’ Jools shouted.

Alice peeled open one eye. She felt as if she’d slept for just a few minutes.

Ben woke with a jolt and fell out of bed. He scrambled up, eyes wide. ‘What the …’ He looked around in confusion. ‘Where – Oh, Christ … Is it? Am I really …’

‘It’s okay, Dad, you’re home.’

Ben turned to her. ‘Oh, my God, I am. I really am. Oh, thank God. I thought I was dreaming.’ He covered his face with his hands.

Jools looked at Alice, her eyes full of tears. She went over to her father and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. ‘Dad, you’re home now. You’re safe.’

Ben drew her close and Jools rested her head against his chest.

‘Thank God it’s real. Thank God,’ Ben said.

Holly came in and sat on the bed beside Alice. ‘Is Daddy all right?’ she whispered.

‘He’s just emotional because he’s so happy to be home.’

‘What are we going to do today?’ Holly asked.

Alice had no idea. What do you do when your dead husband walks back into your life? What’s a ‘normal’ thing to do? ‘Why don’t you ask Daddy what he’d like to do?’

Ben loosened his grip on Jools. Alice could see that she was thrown by Ben’s outburst. They were used to him being strong and never showing emotion. But this Ben was different. He’d changed … They’d all changed.

Ben went to the window and lit a cigarette.

‘Daddy!’ Holly was shocked.

Ben frowned. ‘What?’

‘You’re smoking.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alice said.

‘No, it isn’t. It can kill you.’

‘I’m sorry, darling. It’s a habit I picked up. I’ll give them up soon, but I really need one now.’ Ben’s hands were shaking as he tried to light the cigarette.

Jools took the matches from him and lit it for him. Ben inhaled deeply.

‘But, Daddy, we’ve only just got you back, you can’t smoke and then die of lung cancer.’

‘For God’s sake, Holly, shut up,’ Jools snapped. ‘He’s been stuck in a hell-hole for two years. If he wants a bloody cigarette, let him have it.’

Holly’s lip wobbled. Alice took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. There was silence as Ben smoked.

Alice needed to take control. ‘Holly was just wondering what you’d like to do today, Ben.’

‘Oh. Well … uhm … I don’t know. All I really want to do is be with you guys.’

They heard the front door slamming. They all jumped.

‘So where is he?’ a voice called. ‘I’ve come to see if he’s really risen from the dead.’

‘Nora?’ Alice shouted.

‘Where are you?’ Nora asked.

‘We’re all up in Mum’s bedroom,’ Holly bellowed.

‘Mum and Dad’s,’ Jools corrected her.

‘Sorry.’ Holly blushed.

There was a tap on the door. ‘Are you decent?’

Ben was only wearing pyjama bottoms. Alice handed him a bathrobe and opened the door.

Nora stood there, holding a bag full of fresh croissants. She hugged Alice, then moved towards Ben. ‘Let’s have a look at you,’ she said, hands on hips. ‘Mother of Jesus, you’re a toothpick. What did they feed you over there at all?’ She swiped away tears.

‘A lot of chickpeas and lentils,’ Ben said, with a smile. ‘It’s good to see you, Nora.’ He bent down to kiss her.

‘Well, get these pastries into you. You need feeding and minding.’

‘That sounds good to me.’

‘It’s lucky for you that you have four women to do it, so.’

‘Very lucky.’ Ben bit a large piece of croissant and groaned with pleasure. ‘Oh God, thank you, Nora. This tastes fantastic.’

‘I see you’re the big story of the day. It’s all over the papers. Look.’ Nora chucked the
Daily Mail
onto the bed. The front-cover headline read: ‘Miracle Surgeons Back From The Dead’.

‘Wow, Dad, you’re famous.’ Jools read the article. ‘ “Surgeon Ben Gregory left behind two daughters, Julia and Holly.” What? They misspelt my name. That’s so annoying. I’m going to have to ring them and tell them it’s “Jools”.’

Alice grabbed her arm. ‘Don’t go near them.’

Nora grabbed the other. ‘Listen to your mother, Jools. They’re a nasty lot. All they want is gossip about your family to splash all over the papers. Tell them nothing. If they can’t get any information, they’ll leave you alone quicker.’

‘Calm down, you two. I won’t ring.’ Jools pouted.

‘How’ve you been, Nora?’ Ben asked.

‘Better than you, I imagine. You don’t look bad considering, thin but not sick. I hope you’ve learnt your lesson and won’t be going on any more crazy trips to Africa.’

‘I can promise you that I will never be going to Eritrea again.’

‘Or anywhere else,’ Jools added.

‘Or anywhere else,’ Ben said solemnly.

‘Stay here and focus on your lovely family.’

‘I will, Nora, I promise.’

‘Right, well, I’ll tidy up, put the kettle on and leave you to it. I only came to see if you needed anything and check if it really was Ben. Now I’ve seen you, I know you’re all right. I’ll put some breakfast out and leave you in peace.’

They followed Nora down to the kitchen. Ben tripped on a step. ‘Oops, not used to stairs any more.’

Holly looked at Alice, her eyes full of fear. Alice was sure her own eyes were reflecting the same emotion.