The Way We Were (12 page)

I said I thought we should think about getting a dog. Jools said I was trying to replace Daddy with an animal. She said lots of people do that. Apparently Laurie’s dad bought her a dog when her mum left and went to live with the gardener.

Kevin said, ‘He’d certainly be able to trim her bushes.’ Jools laughed, but I didn’t understand what was funny about it. I asked Kevin what he meant, but he just said that he was being silly and that I was too young to understand.

Kevin is excited at the moment because of this ‘hot French-Moroccan guy’ he’s dating. When he talks about Axel, he looks so happy. He can’t stop smiling.

Nora asked if he had a ‘touch of the tar brush’ in him. Kevin looked shocked and smacked her bum with a tea towel and then he said, yes, he did a bit, but only a light brush.

Jools and I looked at each other and shrugged. Sometimes Nora uses these really old Irish expressions that we don’t understand. She says, ‘May the road rise to meet you,’ and when it’s absolutely pouring with rain she says, ‘It’s a soft day.’

Daddy used to say that Nora ‘put it on’. He said that Nora used those funny expressions because she was trying to hold on to her Irishness, like when Mummy called people ‘eejits’ and insisted that we watch the hurling final every year. When Kevin said that was ridiculous because Mummy had never even been to a hurling match and didn’t know anything about it, she got cross and said it was part of her heritage and that
she wanted her daughters to ‘appreciate where they came from’.

Jools always said it was ridiculous because she was from London and it was a stupid game anyway. Who wants to run about waving a big stick in the air? Daddy laughed when she said it, but Mummy got very cross and said Jools was half Irish whether she liked it or not.

Sometimes I felt sorry for Mummy. She tried to make us like Irish things and listen to Irish music and stuff, but we just wanted to be like all the other girls in London. I tried to like Irish music, but I found it a bit samey. I prefer Lady Gaga and Rihanna.

Daddy has been gone almost six months – one hundred and seventy-three days and fourteen hours. Everyone kept saying it would get easier with time. That the pain would be less. But I still wake up every morning and feel as if there is a huge stone on my stomach. I find it hard to breathe. The first thing I do is take out my calculator and work out how long he’s been dead because it calms me down.

Jools pretends she’s okay about Daddy now, but I know she isn’t. I heard her crying in her bedroom the other day, and when I peeped in, she was holding a photo of her and Daddy and she was kissing it.

I know she’s worried about her GCSEs too, because for the first time in her life Jools is actually trying to study and she even asked for my help. I almost fainted with shock. She said she doesn’t want to bother Mummy all the time so I need to fill in. I’m helping her as much as I can. Mummy did a study chart for her and I’m trying to get her to stick to it.

Mummy went out tonight. It’s the first time since Daddy died. She’s gone for dinner with David and Pippa. They’ve asked her loads of times, but she kept saying no. Kevin made
her go this time. He said she couldn’t stay locked inside for ever.

She wore a black dress that’s too big for her. She’s really skinny now. Jools got her a belt and helped her put it on. She looked better then. Jools also helped her to do her eye make-up. Mummy’s hands were shaking. She was really nervous. Jools told her to take a deep breath. I held her hands while Jools did her eye shadow. Mummy said she knew she was being silly, but it was the first time she’d ever gone out with David and Pippa without Daddy. Jools turned away and pretended to look for a different colour eye shadow, but I knew she was trying not to cry because I was too.

Kevin, Jools and I waved Mummy off. She looked frightened. I ran out in my slippers to give her one last hug and told her I hoped she had a nice time. She squeezed me tight and said she’d try.

When Mummy left, Kevin’s boyfriend came to watch a movie with us. I’d only met Axel once before and he seems very young. Kevin said he’s twenty-six, but he looks younger and he acts younger.

Kevin said we had to watch a movie that was ‘suitable’ for me. So we watched
Mamma Mia!
but it was kind of annoying because Axel kept singing along and he really doesn’t have a good singing voice. Kevin didn’t seem to notice that Axel can’t sing. He thinks everything Axel does is amazing. He looks at him with big melty eyes. When Jools told Axel to stop singing, he got really grumpy and said that she was rude and that he was quite famous in Morocco for his singing voice.

Jools said everyone in Morocco must be deaf. Kevin told her not to be rude. Jools said she wasn’t being rude, just honest. Kevin said sometimes Jools was too honest and she should learn not to say everything that came into her head.
Jools said that Axel was being a ‘drama queen’ and that someone needed to tell him he couldn’t sing. She said she was being like Simon Cowell on
The X Factor
when he tells people not to give up their day jobs because singing is not for them.

Kevin said that Simon Cowell was no role model. Jools said that considering he was a zillionaire (which isn’t a real number), she thought he was actually a very good role model.

Kevin said she should focus on role models who were kind as well as successful, like Bono. Jools said, ‘Who’s Bono?’ and Kevin groaned. I know Bono is a really big Irish rock star who likes to help poor people. Then Axel shouted that he’d had enough of this ‘boring talking’ and he went home.

Kevin was cross with Jools and said she was selfish for being rude to his boyfriend and that she should have more respect. He said he’d tried so hard to be there for us and that he expected us to be polite to Axel. Jools’s eyes welled up then and she said she was sorry. Kevin gave her a hug and it was all better and we watched the movie and ate popcorn.

I know it’s mean, but I wish Kevin had never met Axel. It was better before, when Kevin was around all the time. Now he’s always meeting Axel or else on the phone to him. You can see he’s in love and it just makes me a bit sad because he’s the one person I can talk to and now he’s all detached, just like Mummy was.

I don’t think Axel is the right person for Kevin. I said so to Mummy, but she said it was nice to see Kevin happy and that hopefully Axel wouldn’t ‘rip him off’ like the last guy he went out with, who kept borrowing money for his ‘sick grandmother in Sofia’. One day the guy said he was going to visit his grandmother in Moldova and never came back. Mummy said Kevin isn’t very good at choosing the right person or at geography because Sofia is the capital of Bulgaria,
so he was clearly lying the whole time and Kevin didn’t notice.

I hope Axel doesn’t take Kevin’s money and that he’s nice to him because Kevin deserves love. I hope Mummy had a nice time tonight. She seems so sad all the time and I want her to be happy.

I hope the pain in my tummy goes away soon. It hurts so much whenever I think of Daddy, which is at least thirty times a day.

Alice put down her book. She couldn’t concentrate. She hadn’t read a novel since Ben’s death. Before he died she’d read at least a book a week, but since October she’d found she couldn’t concentrate properly on reading. The words twisted and slipped away and she would end up reading the same paragraph over and over without taking anything in.

To her right Jools, eyes closed, lay basking in the hot French sun, although she had insisted on wearing a rash vest for the first time ever. Alice had thought it odd, but Jools said she didn’t want to end up with a wrinkly chest. Still, her face and legs were getting browner by the minute. To her left, huddled under the parasol, Holly was lost in her book.

In front of them, going redder by the second, was Kevin. He was wearing a teeny tiny pair of Speedos and was determinedly sunbathing, despite his milky skin.

Alice reapplied sun-cream to her legs, adjusted her hat and lay back in her lounger. Around them, families were enjoying the warm sun and playing in the big crashing waves. Alice had chosen St-Jean-de-Luz because it was somewhere they had never been with Ben. She couldn’t face going back to Biarritz, where they had spent the last four summers. She had decided to go somewhere new and different.

She couldn’t bear the thought of walking by restaurants they had eaten in or lying on beaches where they had gone
together as a family. It would have been too painful for all of them. When she had told the girls they were going somewhere new, they had looked relieved. They, too, had obviously been dreading the memories of their dad in Biarritz.

Alice picked up her book in an effort to read.

‘The guys were so much hotter in Biarritz,’ Jools moaned, from behind her sunglasses.

‘You need to look to the right,’ Kevin said. ‘That lifeguard is seriously fit.’

‘I thought you only had eyes for Axel.’ Jools smirked at her uncle.

‘You know the saying, honey – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t check out the menu.’

‘He is good-looking.’ Jools pulled her glasses down to have a closer look.

‘He’s also about twenty and you’re still only sixteen. I’d prefer you to focus more on your school work and less on boys,’ Alice said.

Jools threw her hands into the air. ‘You promised you wouldn’t nag me on this holiday! You said you were proud of me for trying so hard with my GCSEs, remember?’

‘I’m not nagging, just saying you need to focus really hard on your studies for the two final years at school. I know this has been a really difficult year. You needed help and I haven’t been helping you enough. I’m sorry. I promise I’m going to be there for you in September.’

‘Oh, God, Mum, you’re not going to be on my case every night, are you?’

‘Yes, I am.’

‘Why can’t you just accept that I’m not good at school work but I’m street-wise and that’s even better and I’ve got choose-pa.’

‘I think you mean chutzpah,’ Alice corrected her.

‘That’s what I said.’

‘Chutzpah isn’t going to get you into college,’ Alice warned her daughter.

Jools groaned. ‘Mum, you’ll soon have to face the fact that I’m not going to make it to college. Holly can go to Oxford and find the cure for clipstick fibrosis and cancer and win one of those Nobel prizes.’

Alice groaned and Holly gasped. ‘Seriously, Jools, you’re so embarrassing. It’s cystic fibrosis.’

‘Whatever, Einstein. Why don’t you go back to your boring book and leave me alone?’

‘It’s not boring. It’s actually really interesting. It’s about this hobbit called Bilbo Baggins who lives in his hobbit house until the wizard Gandalf chooses him to take part in an adventure.’

‘OMG, Holly, you’re actually putting me into a coma here!’ Jools exclaimed.

Ignoring her, Holly continued. ‘J. R. R. Tolkien is one of the most respected writers ever. He wrote
The Lord of the Rings
trilogy, which I’m going to read next.’

Jools rubbed sun-cream onto her legs. ‘Whatever. Good luck with that because I can tell you now that if you go on about books like this next year you’ll have zero friends.’

‘My friends like to read. They don’t spend all day taking selfies, like yours do.’

‘The difference between you and me, Holly, is that I actually have fun with my friends. We don’t sit around talking about books, like sad old women. Next thing you’ll be setting up one of those boring book clubs.’

‘I was thinking of doing it next year.’

‘OMG, Mum, please stop her. She’s going to be an outcast.’

‘Stop it, Jools. Holly can do whatever she wants.’ Alice was
sick of the girls bickering, which they did non-stop, these days.

‘Fine. If you want your daughter to be the biggest geek in school, that’s your problem, but I’m disowning her. She’ll ruin my reputation.’

‘Why don’t you stop moaning and take another selfie? You haven’t taken one for at least ten seconds,’ Holly snapped.

Kevin rolled over onto his stomach. ‘Okay, kittens, let’s not scratch each other’s eyes out. Who wants ice-cream? I’m going to walk by the hot lifeguard to get some.’

Jools jumped up. ‘I’ll come.’

While they went off across the sand, Holly turned to Alice. ‘Mummy?’

‘Yes, pet.’

‘What are we going to do for Daddy’s birthday?’

Alice caught her breath. No one had mentioned it, so she hadn’t been sure that the girls would remember. She’d been kind of hoping they wouldn’t. Ben’s birthday was in two days’ time. He would have been forty-six. Alice remembered how last year they’d had a late picnic on the beach in Antibes. After eating cheese and bread and salami and olives, the girls had gone into the sea while Ben and Alice had shared a chilled bottle of champagne, toasting each other and their two beautiful daughters.

Ben had seemed happy, the most relaxed Alice had seen him all that year. The holiday had done them good. He was away from work, cycling and the distractions that pulled him away from her. They had got on well, laughed together and had a lot of sex. She’d felt close to him, closer than she had in months. But as soon as they landed in Heathrow, he’d been off again – gone from her physically and emotionally.

Alice really missed him. It was wonderful that Kevin had agreed to join them for the first week of their holiday. The
days were bearable because they were busy doing things and the beautiful scenery helped. But at night Alice desperately missed having Ben beside her. She missed drinking wine on the balcony, when the girls had gone to bed, and chatting about life, old times and their hopes for their daughters’ future. She missed laughing with him about funny things the girls had done or said. She missed dinners out in restaurants as a family, their perfect family of four. Now they were just three, with a big hole where the fourth had been.

Kevin was leaving the next day, so they would be alone for Ben’s birthday. Alice preferred it that way. They could cry and talk about Ben as much as they wanted. Kevin deserved to be at home with Axel, having fun. He had been so generous to them all. It was time for him to live his own life.

When the holiday was over, Alice was going to talk to Kevin about moving out of the house. He stayed with Axel three or four nights a week anyway, and it was time for him to move on. Although she wanted him to stay because he was such a big help with the girls, she knew it wasn’t fair. She had to let Kevin go.

Alice needed to come to terms with the fact that she was going to be a single mother for the rest of her life. Even if she did meet someone else he would not be the girls’ father. Alice was their only parent and she had to take full responsibility and stop leaning on Kevin. She still had Nora to help her and she was lucky that she could organize her work to suit their school schedule. She had to face up to her new life.

But Alice felt panic rising in her chest every time she thought about the long, lonely road ahead. Since Ben had died, she’d gone alone to all their concerts, sports days and parent-teacher meetings. And it hurt, really hurt. It was so lonely.

The school had been very kind and the teachers had been
patient with Jools, trying to help her as much as they could – and, to be fair, Jools had tried to study harder this year – but she had struggled and Alice should have helped her. But the thought of having to sit with her doing hours of homework every night had made Alice want to weep. She had barely the energy to get out of bed and go to work. But she had no choice. She was the only person who could help Jools over the next two years, which were very important.

Holly’s teacher said she was doing very well, still ahead of the other children in all subjects, but she did mention the obsession with her calculator.

‘Holly’s always checking the time and calculating hours. It seems to be a nervous tic she’s developed since her father’s death,’ Miss Robinson had said.

‘I know it’s a little obsessive, but it keeps her calm. I’m sure she’ll stop soon,’ Alice said. ‘I don’t want to take the calculator away – she finds it a comfort.’

‘Of course. I’m just concerned that it’s halting her progress in maths because she’s not doing her calculations herself. She insists on using the calculator, which does give her an unfair advantage over the other children and won’t help her learn.’

Alice had promised to try to wean Holly off the calculator during the summer, but it hadn’t been going very well. Whenever she mentioned it, Holly freaked.

Ben would have known how to deal with it. Alice lay awake at night fretting about being a lone parent. She cried when she thought of being at their weddings alone. She would proudly walk them up the aisle, of course she would, but, God, it would be so lonely.

Was this it? Was this really it? A lifetime of being solo, of doing everything on her own? The only alternative path was
if she met someone, but the thought of being with another man just made her feel really tired and slightly nauseous.

The idea of having to get to know another man was exhausting. All the hours of talking and explaining who you were and telling them your life story, it just made her feel weary. As for sex! The idea of having sex with someone she barely knew gave her the shivers. Ben understood her – he knew everything about her. It was easy.

Of course they’d had their ups and downs, but they loved each other, they were best friends. Alice couldn’t imagine having another person in her life like Ben. You only get really lucky in love once.

She knew that Harold meeting Helen had changed his life and made him happier – well, as happy as Harold was capable of being. Maybe she would meet someone in a few years when she didn’t feel like crying all the time, but then she’d have to introduce them to the girls and they’d hate him because he wasn’t Ben.

Besides, who’d want a widow with two daughters who now had to take sleeping tablets every night to stop her mind exploding with all the anger and sorrow that constantly threatened to overwhelm her? She wasn’t exactly a great catch. But when she thought about spending the next twenty or thirty years alone, she felt utter dread.

Alice sat on the balcony, wrapped in a blanket, watching the sunrise. ‘Happy birthday, Ben,’ she whispered, into the early-morning breeze. ‘I miss you.’ She allowed herself to have a long cry and then she went to have a shower. When she was dressed and feeling calmer, she went in to the girls. They were already awake. She took one look at their red eyes and threw her arms around them. ‘I know. It’s awful.’

‘I miss him so much,’ Jools sobbed.

‘Why did God have to take him away?’ Holly sniffed.

Jools pulled back and took something from under her pillow. It was a present, all wrapped in paper. ‘I bought him a jumper. I know it’s stupid because he’s dead, but I didn’t want to have nothing.’

Alice kissed her cheek. ‘That’s lovely, darling.’

‘I bought him something too,’ Holly said, producing a small box tied with a bow. ‘It’s only a key-ring but it’s an Arsenal one.’

‘That’s very thoughtful.’ Alice choked back tears. ‘Well, what would you like to do? We can have a cry and then go to the beach, or we can stay here and close the curtains and watch DVDs and eat chocolate, or we can go for a walk and stop at that café that does the huge ice-creams with chocolate sauce and whipped cream.’

‘I’d like to go to mass and pray for Daddy, then come back and snuggle up, watch movies, eat chocolate and then maybe go to the ice-cream place later,’ Holly said.

‘Mass? Seriously?’ Jools was not impressed with this plan.

Alice looked at Jools and shook her head very slightly.

Jools put an arm around her sister. ‘Okay, Holly, let’s do that. We can light a candle for Dad.’

The three Gregory ladies headed off to the local church, hand in hand. Together, a new team, a new family, a smaller broken one, but still a family.