The Way We Were (31 page)

Kevin sat opposite Ben in the coffee shop, read through the list and circled one name. He handed the piece of paper back to Ben.

‘Why not Venice?’ Ben asked.

‘She went there with Dan.’

‘Oh.’

‘It should be Paris. She loves Paris and it’s where you got engaged. That’s the place.’

‘I promised to take Alice to Paris as soon as I got back from Eritrea. I was worried going there now might remind her of that promise. But you’re right. It’s full of good memories. It’s a place where we were very much in love.’ Ben fidgeted with his pen. ‘How do you think she is now?’

Kevin paused. ‘When they first broke up she was upset, but in the last two weeks she’s been calmer. She’s less distracted and more present. I think she’s slowly coming back to herself.’

Ben looked at his brother-in-law. ‘Is she coming back to me?’

Kevin put his hands up. ‘I can’t answer that because I honestly don’t know. She doesn’t talk about it. But she seems lighter and less weighed down. I think the guilt was eating her up. Alice is not the cheating kind, as you well know. I think she was overdosing on Irish Catholic levels of guilt.’

‘I’m sorry to ask you this, but I have to know. Is it really over?’

Kevin nodded. ‘To the best of my knowledge, yes.’

‘Well, that’s something,’ he said.

‘She’s trying, Ben. She really is.’

‘I know, but she still feels far away. She’s still distant and not really with me.’

‘She’s had a lot of stuff to deal with. I mean, I can’t even imagine how hard it is to have grieved the death of someone only for them to turn up again. You knew she was alive, but she never for one moment thought you had survived. The report from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office was very clear that you and Declan were dead. Harold organized that awful memorial service with the empty coffin, then Alice had the ceremony for you in the garden. They were tough times. While Alice was trying to deal with your death, she went very close to the edge, Ben. She had to put your memories away to survive.’

‘And I had to cling to our memories to survive.’

Kevin looked at his watch. ‘I have to go, sorry. We’ve ten more patients to see. But we’ve covered everything, haven’t we? And it’s a really good idea. I’m rooting for you.’

‘Thanks, Kevin, for everything.’

Kevin squeezed Ben’s shoulder and disappeared out of the door.

Jools padded outside in her slippers and coat and sat beside Ben on the garden bench.

‘Another nightmare?’ she asked.

‘Yes.’

‘Will they ever stop?’ she asked.

‘The psychiatrist thinks so. They’re fewer and less frequent already, so it’s going in the right direction.’

They smoked in companionable silence.

‘I hate that tree,’ Jools said.

Ben was surprised. ‘I thought you liked it.’

‘It’s just a constant reminder that you used to be dead and of sad times.’

Ben stubbed out his cigarette. ‘I hate that bloody tree, too. Sometimes I feel I can’t see the future for the tree. We need to leave the past behind and focus on moving on.’

‘I agree.’

Ben jumped up. ‘Let’s cut the bugger down.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Yes. Do you think Mum will be cross?’

Jools thought for a moment. ‘No. It’s a sad tree. It’s a tree that reminds us all of death.’

Ben smiled. ‘Let’s get the saw from the shed.’

Thankfully, the tree wasn’t very big. It still took them an hour and a lot of puffing and panting to trim the bigger branches, then chop through the trunk.

As the tree fell sideways, they clapped.

‘Goodbye and good riddance,’ Ben said.

It felt good to cut the tree down. Ben was taking back control of his life and eliminating the negative reminders of what had happened. It was cathartic to feel that he was cutting the past out of his life.

He went over to deal with the roots and saw something shining in the moonlight. He bent down and pushed back the mud. It was a little metal box.

‘What is it, Dad?’ Jools peered over his shoulder.

Ben showed her the box.

‘Gosh, I’d forgotten all about that. Mum buried it with the tree when we planted it. I think there was a letter inside.’

Ben tried to open the catch, but it was stuck. He went into the kitchen, Jools following.

Ben got a knife out of the kitchen drawer and prised open the box. Inside was an envelope. It said
Ben
in Alice’s big loopy writing.

‘I’m tired after all that. I’m going to bed. I’ll leave you to read it in peace. Night, Dad.’ Jools kissed him and went upstairs.

Ben sat down. He opened the letter, unfolded it and began to read.

My darling Ben,

How I wish my last words to you weren’t angry ones. How I wish I could go back in time and tell you that I love you before you walk out the door and out of our lives.

I’m sorry I was angry with you. I know you were just looking for adventure. I understand that you felt restless. I was just so scared of losing you and now I have.

How am I going to live without you? You’re my best friend, my rock, my everything. Who am I going to talk to, confide in, ask for advice from, laugh with, love?

I always looked around at other couples and felt smug. None of them had what we had. None of them were as close as we were. None of them loved each other like we did.

God, Ben, I love you so much. I wish I’d told you that more often. I wish I’d told you every day. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. We were so happy, Ben. Do you remember our wedding day? We were so in love.

And then the girls! Our two little miracles. Jools looking so like you and Holly like me, both of them a mixture of our personalities. You were such a great dad. I’m so angry that the girls won’t get to have you in their lives as they grow up. You always knew what to say to Jools and how to handle her when she was being difficult. She worshipped you. Her heart is so broken, it’s painful to look at her. And Holly, she’s like a lost kitten. She loved you so much. You were her hero. Oh, God, Ben, what am I going to do without you?

You were my hero, too. I was so proud of you. So proud to be your wife. So proud that you chose me. I should have told you that.

There are so many things I regret. So many things I want to tell you. I’m so lonely, Ben, I think my heart is actually broken. I can’t do this without you. I need you. I’m lost, Ben. I miss you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Alice

Mummy and Daddy had a big fight about the cherry tree. Mummy was really cross when she saw that Daddy had chopped it down. But Daddy said he was back now and he didn’t want a constant reminder of the bad days. Mummy said it wasn’t his decision to make and he should have asked her first.

Daddy said he had made an executive decision. He was glad it was gone and Jools had hated it too. Mummy asked me what I thought and I said that I kind of agreed that, now Daddy was back, we didn’t need it.

Mummy’s mouth went all tight. She said it was amazing that Daddy had ‘waltzed back in’ and started changing things without even asking her opinion.

Daddy said he was sorry if she was upset, but he’d found a very special letter buried underneath. Mummy stopped talking then. Daddy said the letter was the most beautiful thing he’d ever read. Mummy looked a bit sad. Daddy said he would cherish it always. Mummy said nothing. Daddy said he hoped that some day she’d feel the same way again but Mummy pretended to look for something in the fridge.

Jools and I looked at each other. Neither of us had seen what Mummy put in the box. It was private. I wonder what the letter said.

Daddy took us to the ballet for Mummy’s birthday. Daddy used to hate the ballet and never wanted to go. Mummy loves it and thinks it’s ‘magical’. Daddy used to say it was silly men ‘jumping about in tights with their balls hanging out’.

But this year he brought us all to the Royal Opera – including Kevin – to see the Bolshoi Ballet perform
Swan Lake
.

Mummy was really surprised but happy. She said it was very thoughtful and she’d always wanted to see the Bolshoi. Daddy said he remembered her saying that years ago and that was why he’d booked the tickets. I could see Mummy was touched. I was so happy with Daddy for doing something so nice. He’s trying so hard to be the best husband and he’s doing a really good job.

Me, Mummy and Kevin thought it was amazing. Kevin kept looking into his opera glasses to get a closer look at the dancers. He spent the whole time staring at the lead male dancer and sighing.

Mummy hugged Kevin and told him that his prince would come. She said he deserved to be with someone amazing and that she was delighted Axel was out of his life because he wasn’t nearly good enough for him.

Jools spent most of the time texting her new boyfriend, Rupert, and Daddy pretended he was enjoying it until the third act when he fell asleep. I saw Mummy turn to say something to him. When she saw he was asleep she smiled and took the programme from his hand.

Rupert came over last night to meet everyone. Even Nora stayed late to meet him. She stood at the front door with her coat on, looked him up and down, and muttered, ‘All brawn and no brain.’

Mummy shushed her but Kevin laughed and said, ‘Give me brawn over brain any day.’

Rupert smiled blankly. Thankfully, he didn’t understand. We knew what Nora meant because she says the same thing whenever she sees a really good-looking man or woman. I think Nora is secretly jealous of all very good-looking people.

Jools gave Nora a dirty look. ‘Weren’t you on your way home, Nora?’ she said.

Nora started to take off her coat. ‘I think I’ll stay for a bit. I’d like to get to know Rupert better. I’ve a few questions for him.’

Jools looked panicked. ‘What?’

Nora patted her cheek. ‘Don’t worry, I’m only messing with you. But I will say this.’ Nora turned her razor-sharp eyes on Rupert. ‘This girl means the world to me. If you mess about or do anything to upset her, you’ll have me to answer to.’

Rupert’s eyes widened. ‘Well, I … of course I wouldn’t dream of …’

Mummy took charge. ‘Thanks, Nora. We’ll see you in a couple of days. Bye for now.’

Jools pretended to be annoyed but I saw her winking at Nora as she left.

Kevin thought Rupert looked like Brad Pitt and acted all funny around him. Jools said Kevin was embarrassing. Kevin kept offering Rupert cups of coffee and asking him questions about his fitness regime and if he had any brothers. Rupert is very good-looking but he’s not very bright. Mummy was talking about a young Down’s syndrome patient she had seen, and Rupert said, ‘You have to be careful, Mrs Gregory, people might think you’re racist. You can’t say brown syndrome, it’s African American.’

Daddy choked on his coffee and started laughing, which set Mummy off too. They couldn’t stop. It was nice to see them laughing together.

Jools stormed off in a huff, Rupert following behind, asking, ‘What did I say that was so funny?’

When they’d left the room, Daddy wiped his eyes and said, ‘Where did she find him?’

‘He joined the school this year,’ I told him.

‘Where was he before that?’ Daddy asked.

‘Having a lobotomy,’ Mummy said, and they were laughing again.

I thought it was a bit mean to say that, but Mummy and Daddy thought it was hilarious.

Mummy seems happier now. She’s not working as much and she’s not all tense around Daddy. Daddy’s the one working hard. He’s back full-time at the hospital, but he always takes weekends off and won’t go in unless it’s an emergency.

I’ve only heard him having a nightmare once in the last two weeks, which is great. He looks better too: he’s not skinny any more and his eyes are smiley, not sad. He laughs a lot and is less serious than he used to be. He spends more time with us than he did before too. It’s so wonderful to have him back. I just wish Mummy would love him the way she used to. Then everything would be perfect.

Ben leant down and kissed Alice. ‘See you later, darling. I’m meeting David in the gym after rounds but I’ll be home for dinner.’

‘How’s the gym going?’

‘Can’t you tell?’ Ben flexed a muscle.

Alice smiled. ‘Sorry. Of course I can see the results.’

Ben squeezed his still slender arms. ‘It’s only been three weeks but it’s definitely helping me regain strength, and it’s fun being with David.’

Alice was glad Ben was in touch with David again. She knew he’d frozen him out when he’d discovered that David had introduced her to Dan. Pippa had called and said how upset David was. But Alice felt she couldn’t interfere because it was about Dan.

So Pippa had suggested they all ‘bump into’ each other over brunch. It had worked out really well, and although Ben had been a little cool at first, he had soon mellowed. He had been touched by how much the girls loved Pippa and David, and how close they had become.

By the end of the brunch David had asked Ben if he wanted to take him up on his offer to go to the gym together, and Ben had said yes. Pippa had squeezed Alice’s hand under the table. Their plan had worked!

‘Do you have a busy day, darling?’ Ben asked.

Alice nodded. ‘Full schedule. But I’m hoping to be back by seven.’

‘Would you like me to cook tonight?’ Ben asked.

Alice smiled.

‘What?’ Ben asked.

‘You never used to ask me about work and you never used to offer to cook.’

Ben laughed. ‘Every cloud has a silver lining.’ Then, turning serious, he added, ‘I promised myself that if I got out of there alive, I was going to be a better husband and father.’

Alice did up her watch strap. ‘You weren’t so bad before, you know.’

‘There was room for improvement.’

‘There is room for improvement in all of us.’

‘Not in you,’ Ben said.

Alice frowned. ‘Don’t do that, Ben.’

‘What?’

‘Put me on a pedestal. I’ll only disappoint you.’

Ben picked up his wallet. ‘No, you won’t. After all these years, I know all of your flaws and I’d still choose you every time.’

Alice blushed. Ben went downstairs to have breakfast while she finished getting dressed.

Kevin and Alice sat in her surgery sipping coffee before the day began.

‘Dan sent me a text yesterday,’ Alice said.

‘What?’ Kevin stared at her.

‘He asked how I was doing.’

‘Did you reply?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did you say?’

‘That I was okay.’

‘Are you?’

Alice looked at her brother. ‘Yes.’

‘Do you miss him?’

‘Yes. But not in the awful, pain-in-my-chest way that I used to. It’s more of a dull background ache.’

‘You seem to be getting on better with Ben,’ Kevin said, without looking at her.

‘I am. It’s still hard, but I feel that we’re making progress.’

‘He’s making a huge effort, Alice.’

‘I know, and I really appreciate it. I’m trying, too.’

‘But you’re not there yet?’

‘No.’ Alice sighed. She wondered if she’d ever get there. Things had improved a lot – she felt more comfortable around Ben and he was being really lovely to her – but she was holding back. She didn’t know why but she just couldn’t let go. They hadn’t had sex in ages and she was stressed about it but just couldn’t go through with it. It was as if, since breaking up with Dan, she was blocked.

She missed Dan more than she cared to admit. She hadn’t told Kevin the part where Dan texted:
I’m moving to New York. I need a change
. She had replied:
God, this is hard
. He sent back:
Yes, that’s why I’m moving continents
.

She had wanted to call him, to talk to him, but she hadn’t. She knew it wasn’t fair. What was there to say anyway? ‘Goodbye … good luck … I miss you … I wish …’

It hurt like hell to know he was leaving. Alice had needed to be alone after the texts. She had locked herself into the bathroom, drawn a bath and cried into it.

Kevin put his hand on her arm. ‘I really believe you made the right decision, Alice.’

‘I know.’ Alice knew she had had to choose her family,
especially when it had made the girls so happy. But her own feelings were separate from that, and they weren’t so straightforward.

‘Will we run through the day?’ Kevin asked.

‘Yes.’ Alice welcomed the distraction of work. ‘Actually, hang on, how was your date?’

‘It was pretty fantastic, actually.’

‘Oh, good! Was he nice?’

‘Very, very hot.’

‘Kevin, forget hot, was he a nice person?’ Alice asked.

‘Oh, don’t get all big-sister on me. He had the body of Adonis and he was nice too.’

‘What does he do?’

‘Now I feel like I’m talking to Mum!’

‘Seriously, does he have a proper job?’

‘Yes, actually, he does. He’s a stripper.’

‘What?’

‘Ha! Gotcha. He’s a sports teacher.’

‘You mean he has a real job?’

‘Yes, and his own apartment.’

‘Wow! That’s great.’

‘I know.’

Alice beamed at him. ‘I’m really glad for you.’

Kevin raised his hands. ‘Hold on – it’s been one date, we’re not getting married!’

Alice laughed. ‘I’m just glad you had fun. You deserve lots of it after having to listen to me moaning and crying for the past two and a half years.’

‘Yes, I do, and I plan to make up for lost time.’ He winked. ‘Now, let’s get back to the patient list.’

After a long day of dealing with patients, Alice was getting ready to go home when Kevin popped his head round the
door. ‘Lilly’s here. Will you see her? She says she has bad stomach pains.’

Although Alice was tired, she was very fond of Lilly. ‘Sure, send her in.’

‘I think her dementia is worse and she’s as deaf as a post. Norman’s with her but sure he’s so old he can barely stand up straight. I’ll bring them in now and call you in fifteen minutes with some “emergency”. Otherwise you’ll be here all night. Poor Lilly doesn’t know what day it is. She keeps asking me if I saw the royal wedding and didn’t Diana look stunning.’ Kevin rolled his eyes and disappeared to call Lilly in.

Norman held Lilly’s arm as they shuffled into the consulting room. Alice welcomed them and asked them to sit down.

‘How can I help?’

‘Lilly has pains in her stomach and she’s bleeding from … well …’ Norman coughed ‘… from her … from her posterior.’

‘I see. Let’s pop you up here, Lilly, so I can examine you.’ Alice raised her voice so Lilly could hear. She led her to the examination table and helped her to lie down.

Alice felt Lilly’s stomach, then explained that she had to do a rectal examination to make sure there was no blockage.

‘WHAT?’ Lilly shouted.

‘I need to examine your rectum,’ Alice said.

‘I can’t hear you. Speak up.’

Alice raised her voice. ‘I’m going to have to put my finger into your bottom to check for blockages.’

‘What’s she saying about my bottom, Norman?’ Lilly asked.

‘She needs to examine you, darling,’ Norman bellowed,
looking increasingly uncomfortable as he shuffled about at the far side of the room.

Alice helped Lilly to roll over and tried to position her as best she could. She put on some gloves and then gently placed her finger in Lilly’s rectum.

‘NORMAN!’ Lilly roared. ‘Stop that immediately. Get it out of there. You know I don’t like it when you stick it up there. If you insist on having sex, please put it in the front door, not the back.’

Alice avoided Norman’s eye and bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself laughing.

‘Norman, I’ve told you before, if you want to stick it up there, go and find a lady of the night to do it with. Front door only!’ Lilly shouted.

Alice pretended to sneeze as laughter escaped.

When Alice and Kevin got home, they were still laughing about it. Ben was reading some medical reports in the kitchen. Alice filled him in on the story.

Ben threw his head back and laughed. ‘That is a classic.’

Alice giggled as she poured them all wine. ‘I felt sorrier for Norman, to be honest. He was mortified.’

Jools came in. ‘What are you all laughing about?’

‘It’s just a story about one of my patients,’ Alice said, hoping Jools wouldn’t demand to hear it.

Thankfully, Ben’s phone rang, distracting them. Alice could hear a woman’s voice at the other end. Ben chatted to her for a while, laughing a lot.

‘Yes, it was tense … You were fantastic, though, very cool under pressure … Well, thank you, what a nice compliment … Of course I’ll be there … Yes, I promise to wear the surgical hat you gave me … ha-ha … No, I like it, it was very thoughtful … ha-ha, yes … It should be an interesting day.
I’m looking forward to it too … I’ll bring the coffees … No, I insist, it’s my turn, you’re far too generous … A latte, right? … You don’t need low-fat milk … You are not! You’re almost too thin if you ask me … All right, I promise … Great, see you then … I will … Bye.’

Kevin looked at Alice and raised an eyebrow.

‘Who was that?’ Alice asked.

Ben put his phone down. ‘Sarah Langton, the new anaesthetist.’

‘The one I met at the party?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh.’ Stupid cow. How dare she call and give Ben compliments – and why the hell was Ben being so flirty?

‘Did she buy you a surgical hat?’ Jools asked.

‘Yes, it’s a bit of fun. It says “Survivor” on it.’ Ben took a sip of wine.

‘It sounds ridiculous,’ Alice snapped.

‘I think it sounds cool,’ Jools said, looking up from her Facebook page.

‘When did Sarah start at the hospital?’ Kevin asked.

Ben rubbed his chin. ‘About ten weeks ago. She makes a nice change from William Gilbert. He was a terrible bore. Sarah’s quite the opposite, full of fun. She’s also extremely good at her job, the best I’ve worked with.’

‘What age is she?’ Kevin asked.

‘That’s the amazing part. She’s only thirty-seven and she’s at the top of her game.’ Ben sounded impressed.

Alice slammed the fridge door. She hated Sarah now – good-looking, thin, smart, successful and a practised flirt by the sound of it. Alice wanted to go to the hospital now and shove the stupid surgical hat into Sarah’s big mouth.

‘I bet she looks younger than her age – Americans always do. They take way better care of themselves than English
people,’ Jools said. ‘They’re also really into Botox. The Kardashians get it. Do you think Sarah’s had any work done?’

‘I don’t think so. She looks very natural,’ Ben said. ‘She’s very fit and healthy.’

Alice felt rage flooding her body. She wanted to shout at Jools to stop being ridiculous and to tell Ben to stop wearing a stupid hat that said ‘Survivor’ on it and, most of all, to tell Kevin to stop smirking across the table at her. She didn’t care about some stupid Barbie from California with her low-fat lattes.

She started banging pots and pans loudly as she made a start on dinner. She’d sign up for those Pilates classes tomorrow. She’d been planning to do it for months. It was about time too. All these months of feeding Ben to make him put on weight had meant she’d put on weight, too.

Stupid bloody American gym bunny with her tiny waist and perfect teeth and tan. Alice glared at Ben, who was laughing at something Jools had said. His smile lit up his face. Now that he had put back some weight and the haunted look was gone from his eyes, he was handsome again. A little more lined than before, greyer around the temples, but very attractive. The handsome hero.

Alice hadn’t really looked at Ben properly since he’d been home. She had avoided it. She hadn’t stared at him and examined his face and really seen him. But now she did, and what she saw was a good-looking, kind and brilliant man. No wonder American Barbie and all the nurses were flirting with him. Well, they could just back off. Ben was her husband. He belonged to her.

Alice looked down at her stomach. She slammed down a pot. ‘I’m going for a run,’ she announced.

‘It’s lashing rain,’ Kevin pointed out.

‘I don’t care.’ Alice stormed upstairs to change, then flung herself out into the downpour, running as fast as she could, not caring in which direction she went.

As she ran through the rainy streets, Alice thought about Ben, Dan, life, love, Dan, Ben, Dan, Ben …