The Way We Were (25 page)

‘There are more of them?’

‘Yes, Brody and Brandon are on the show as well, but Bruce also has two other kids that aren’t really in the show – Casey and Burt.’

‘Is Kris their momager too?’

‘No! They have a different mother. They don’t really get on with Kris. They feel she stole their dad and that he spends
way too much time with the Kardashians and Kendall and Kylie and not enough with them.’

‘So who is their mother?’

‘I don’t know. She’s never in the show. I doubt Kris would let her – she’s very controlling.’

Ben began to laugh. ‘This is ridiculous.’

Jools frowned. ‘No, it’s brilliant.’

Ben put a cushion over his face and groaned loudly. ‘Jools, I’ve been watching for twenty minutes and nothing has happened. They’ve eaten, shouted at the guy with a drink problem, driven around in their cars and eaten again.’

‘They do seem to eat a lot. I don’t know where they put the food.’

‘In their backsides,’ Ben said.

Jools giggled. ‘They’re famous for their big bums.’

‘They seem to be famous for nothing else.’

The door opened and Holly walked in. ‘Hi. Oh, my God, Jools, please tell me you’re not making Dad watch
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
. You’ll make him want to go back to Eritrea.’

‘Holly!’ Jools was shocked.

Holly’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘God, sorry, I didn’t mean that.’

Ben laughed. ‘It’s funny. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. Besides, Holly, I’m glad somebody else thinks this programme is nonsense.’

‘They’re completely vacuous and shallow,’ Holly said.

‘They’re not shallow. Kim wanted to adopt a child from an orphanage.’ Jools defended her TV friends.

‘And did she? Did she adopt her?’ Holly challenged.

‘No, because Kris said Kanye might not be too happy if Kim came home from holiday with some random orphan.’

‘She’s ridiculous – they all are,’ Holly fumed.

‘Well, you think Angelina Jolie’s great and she adopted kids,’ Jools countered.

Holly’s eyes were wide. ‘Yes, because she actually did adopt them and is bringing them up as her own. Not to mention her work for the UN, which got her appointed as special envoy of the UN High Commission for Refugees.’

‘Well, I prefer Kim. She’s less annoying.’

Holly threw her hands into the air. ‘She’s the most annoying person in the universe.’

Ben stood up and turned off the television. ‘Okay, girls, please stop arguing. Let’s go and have something to eat.’

As Ben walked ahead into the kitchen, his two daughters continued to bicker. He smiled to himself. He’d missed this.

Daddy can’t sleep. I hear him walking around the house at night. He seems very restless. He wanted to go back to work, but they said he should take a bit more time off and come back after Christmas.

He seems a bit lost, like he doesn’t know what to do, and he looks so tired. Most of the time when I come in from school, he’s asleep on the couch.

He’s going for walks now and sometimes he’s out for hours. He went on a big walk a few nights ago and didn’t come back for ages. Jools kept calling his phone, but he had it off. We all began to panic. Mummy tried to keep us calm, but I could see she was worried too.

When he finally came home, Jools ran out and threw herself on top of him. She was sobbing. I tried not to cry, but when I saw him I did a bit. I was just so relieved.

Poor Daddy looked really sad and kept saying he was sorry.

Mummy shouted at him for being so ‘bloody thoughtless’. She said we’d been through ‘enough shit’ and he was never to go out without his phone on again.

Things with Mummy and Daddy are not the same. Mummy works late a lot and seems stressed. She doesn’t look happy and I’ve heard her crying in her bedroom when Daddy’s downstairs or gone for a walk.

I also heard her on the phone to Dan. I know I shouldn’t listen at her bedroom door, but I’m scared. I want to know
what’s going on. She was supposed to break up with him and be with Daddy. She was crying and kept saying, ‘I wish things were different. I miss you.’

But why does she wish things were different? Daddy coming home is a miracle, we should all be so, so happy, but instead it’s like everyone is scared all the time. Except Jools: she seems really happy and isn’t nervous around Daddy. I still feel a bit strange with him. Kevin said it’s completely normal and it’ll just take a while to get used to Daddy being back because it was a big shock.

Stella sent me a text and I knew she sent it to Jools, too. When I asked her about it her face went all red, her eyes teared up and she shouted, ‘We can’t be friends with Stella now. It’s not fair to Daddy.’

Stella’s text said:
I’m so happy for you guys that your dad is okay. You must be so happy. I miss you two. If you’d like to hang out together, please just call me. I’d love to see you again – when you feel ready.

I had no idea what to say back to her. The whole situation is so confusing. Stella’s great and she was becoming like a sister. But Jools is right: we can’t see her any more because it’s disloyal to Daddy. I just wrote back:
Thank you.

People in school keep saying it’s a miracle and we must be so happy to be back together again … to have our family back … to be ‘back to normal’. But nothing is the same. We’re different people. Daddy’s quieter than before and he’s jumpy – if you slam a door, he literally jumps out of his seat. The other day a car backfired in front of us when we were driving and Daddy was in the passenger seat and he dived under the dashboard, head first.

I looked up the symptoms of PTS and Daddy has quite a few of them. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. Difficulty concentrating. Feeling jumpy and easily startled. I spoke to Mummy about it and she said that Daddy is seeing a
specialist in post-traumatic stress disorder and that I’m not to worry.

Mummy looked sad when I talked to her about it. She said that Daddy would take a while to get ‘back to himself’. She said that we had to be patient and try to help him readjust.

Mummy is looking after Daddy well. She’s being very kind and caring, but something’s missing. She’s not relaxed around him. When we’re all together it’s okay because we chat about general things, but Mummy is hardly ever alone with Daddy. I’m scared she’s still in love with Dan. I hope I’m wrong, because Daddy is her husband and she should love him more, even if she did think he was dead. Sometimes I wish Mummy would just tell Daddy about Dan. Then there wouldn’t be any more secrets. But I don’t think Daddy is strong enough to hear any bad news.

Kevin isn’t calling in much. I rang him and asked him why. He said he wants to ‘give us space’. But there seems to be too much space. I miss Kevin being around. Mummy’s lucky because she still sees him at work every day.

I think Daddy was a bit surprised when Mummy went back to work so soon. He’d only been home a week, but Mummy said, ‘We need an income.’ Daddy didn’t say anything else after that.

I tried to talk to Jools about my worries, but she told me to shut up. She said she didn’t want to hear anything bad: Daddy was alive and everything was going to be fine.

Jools seems to be enjoying all the attention we’re getting at school. I hate it. People keep asking me about Daddy and what it was like ‘over there’. The boys are especially interested. Bradley asked me if Daddy was tortured! I told him not to be so rude and stop asking annoying questions. Bradley said it wasn’t rude and maybe Daddy had been turned and was now a spy for the Eritreans, like the guy in
Homeland
.

I’ve never watched
Homeland
so I asked Jools about it. She said Bradley was a ‘complete and utter moron’ and I should ignore him.

The next day, Jools came to find me at break time. I pointed out Bradley. She marched over and grabbed him by his blazer. ‘Stop asking my sister stupid questions about our father, you little twerp. He’s a hero.’

‘He could be a spy.’

‘For who? The Eritreynons? What the hell would he be spying on? Their lentils? Their mountains? You really are a total moron. My father is not spying on anyone, and if he ever heard what you were saying about him, he’d probably use all of his pent-up anger at being kidnapped for two years to beat the crap out of you.’

‘It’s Eritreans.’

‘Excuse me?’ Jools glared at him.

‘You said Eritreynons.’

Bradley must have a death wish, I thought.

Jools put her face very close to his. ‘Are you seriously correcting me?’

‘Yes. You mispronounced it.’

‘Do you not know how school works? Younger people bow down to older ones. They do not annoy, irritate or bug them. Now, if you want to survive this school year, you’d better zip your fat mouth shut.’

‘I’m not afraid of you. My cousin’s in your year and he said you’re thick.’

‘She is not!’ I shouted.

Jools went red but remained calm. ‘I may not be the brightest, but I’m the best-looking. Unlike you, who looks like a weasel with acne. The only way you’re ever going to have sex in your sad little life is with an electronic device. Now go away. You’re so ugly that looking at you is hurting my eyes.’

Bradley scurried off. Jools turned to me. ‘Eritreynons, right?’

I shook my head. ‘Eritreans.’

Jools shrugged. ‘It sounds the same to me.’

When I came home from school today, Daddy was looking at old photos. I didn’t know if I should go in to him or not. He was sitting on the floor surrounded by albums and boxes. When I’m on my own with him, I never really know what to say. I decided to leave him, but he looked up and saw me.

‘Hey, Holly, how was school?’

‘Okay.’

‘I found all these photos. It’s incredible to think how small you were.’ Daddy held up a picture of me as a baby. Mummy’s holding me and Daddy has his arm around her. They both look so happy.

I felt my throat catch. ‘Wow,’ was all I could say.

‘They were great times,’ Daddy said. ‘Really great times.’

I stood at the door, wondering whether to sit down. Daddy put down the photo. I could see one sticking out from under the couch. I bent down to pick it up. ‘Here’s another.’ It was Mummy and Daddy on their wedding day.

Daddy reached for it. His face sort of crumpled when he saw what it was. He coughed and muttered that he needed to go out for a cigarette. He promised he’d give up. He’s smoking so much, I’m afraid we’ll have to go through losing him all over again.

I climbed the stairs to my room to do my homework. I had an essay to write. The theme was: ‘If someone hurts you, can you forgive and forget?’ I knew the answer already. I was living with it – you can forgive, but you can never forget.

Alice had a full day ahead. Patients were queuing to come in before the Christmas holidays began and she closed her surgery for ten days. Usually she looked forward to her Christmas break, but this year she was dreading it.

Spending time with Ben was a huge strain. She was trying really hard to make everything nice and normal. She wanted him to settle back in, but it was impossible to erase the last two harrowing years.

He was different. She was different. They had had sex the night before. She couldn’t refuse him again. She’d brushed him off four times over the previous two weeks. She had insisted on turning out the lights and it had been easier in the dark, but it still felt wrong. The passion was gone. It was mechanical, emotionless. She didn’t feel the same. She’d closed her eyes and pictured Dan.

Alice switched on her computer and tried not to think about Dan. She was meeting him after work to give him back his ring. She was looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure. She couldn’t wait to see him, but knew it would be goodbye and felt sick at the thought of not having him in her life.

Kevin came in with a coffee. ‘You look like you need it. Still not sleeping?’

Alice thanked him, sipped and put the cup down. ‘Last night was a bad one. I’m seeing Dan tonight.’

‘Give me one more look at that spectacular ring?’ Kevin asked.

They gazed down at the sparkling diamond in the box. ‘Wow, it really is beautiful.’

Alice nodded.

‘Hard to give him up. He’s a good man.’

She felt a lump rising in her throat.

‘It seems really twisted that the miracle of Ben being alive means that you have to give up someone you love,’ Kevin added.

‘It’s just so much harder than I thought.’ Alice began to cry. ‘I don’t know if Ben and I will ever get back to where we were. I’m not sure I even love him any more. I feel like such a bad person and I’m trying, I swear.’

Kevin hugged her. ‘I know you are, but the psychiatrist told you it would take a long time for everything to settle. There’s no quick result with something like this.’

‘But what if I don’t ever feel the same?’

‘Maybe you should keep the ring, just in case,’ Kevin said.

‘No, I have to let Dan go. It’s the right thing to do.’ Alice wiped her face. ‘But I love him. We’ve been texting a lot – I’ve been too afraid to speak to him. I know if I hear his voice, I’ll crack up. I’m so dying to see him today and be with him. But it’s to say goodbye and I just can’t bear it. I hate this. I can’t help loving Dan. He’s been so wonderful to me and the girls and …’ Alice was sobbing.

‘Oh, God, Alice, I feel for you, I really do. Maybe you should tell Ben about Dan. Be honest, and tell him you need time to think things over.’

Alice shook her head. ‘I can’t. He’s too fragile. His nightmares are terrifying. And he has this really sad look in his eyes all the time. I know it’s guilt. He knows that he caused us a huge amount of pain and it’s eating him up. How can
I add to his anguish by telling him I’m in love with someone else? I just can’t do it.’

‘Can you really let Dan go, though? I mean, you’re engaged to the man. It wasn’t just some fling.’

‘I have to give my marriage a chance for the girls’ sake. I don’t honestly think we’ll make it, but I have to try, even if that means giving up the man I love.’

Kevin held her as she wept into his shoulder. ‘My God, I really don’t know what to say, Alice.’

Alice took a very deep breath. ‘I have to pull myself together. Distract me with patients.’

Kevin looked at his book. ‘First up is –’

They heard a primal wail from the waiting room. They rushed out. A very large girl was bent double, screaming in agony. She was holding her stomach in one hand and a breakfast roll in the other.

Alice and Kevin helped her into Alice’s consulting room. She sat down, stopped yelling and took a large bite of her roll.

Kevin went to take it from her. ‘I’ll mind that for you. You really shouldn’t be eating in here.’

‘No way, mate. I’m starving.’ The girl took another bite.

‘A few salads wouldn’t go amiss,’ Kevin muttered, as he left the room.

Alice asked the girl her name, age and address. Kelly was seventeen and lived in a block of flats about three miles from the surgery – Alice knew the address well. It was a rough area and quite a few of her patients were from there.

As Alice took down Kelly’s details, the teenager polished off her roll, stinking out Alice’s room.

‘Okay, Kelly, when did these stomach pains start? Have you vomited or had loose stools?’

‘Loose stools? What’s that?’

Alice decided to be more direct. ‘Diarrhoea. Runny poos.’

‘Jesus, no. Just pains. My mum thinks I’m constipated. I tried to shit it out, but nothing happened.’

Kelly’s face suddenly crumpled and she bent over in agony. She began to scream again and arch her back. ‘This must be some bloody massive dump,’ she cried out.

Alice thought the poor girl must have a twisted bowel. She needed to examine her, but there was no way she could move her at the moment. Poor Kelly was writhing in pain on the floor.

Alice came around her desk, crouched and pulled up the girl’s big jumper.

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed.

‘I know I’m a fat bitch. I just can’t stop eating,’ Kelly puffed.

Alice smiled. ‘No, Kelly, you’re not fat, you’re in labour.’

‘What’s that, then? Some kind of stomach thing?’

Alice looked at her. Was she joking? ‘Kelly, your baby’s coming.’

‘What baby?’

‘The one inside you.’

‘I ain’t got no baby in there. What you talkin’ about? Are you mental?’

Before Alice could answer, the next contraction started and Kelly crushed Alice’s hand as she screamed.

Alice could feel adrenalin rushing through her veins. This baby was coming fast. She’d delivered babies during her training, but it was a long time ago. She had to give Kelly an internal examination and find out if there was time to get her to the local hospital.

When the contraction subsided, she discovered that Kelly was eight or nine centimetres dilated. Damn, she’d never make it to hospital. Alice called Kevin.

He rushed in. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Kelly’s in labour and I need you to call an ambulance, then stay here and help me.’

‘Alice, you know I’m not good with blood.’ Kevin was shaking his head, backing away from the writhing patient.

‘I need you,’ Alice snapped.

‘I ain’t ’avin’ no baby. I ain’t up the pole.’

‘Kelly,’ Alice said firmly, ‘you are pregnant and the baby wants to come out now.’

‘No way.’

‘Do you have a boyfriend? Someone we can call?’

‘No, I ain’t got no one.’

‘Well, you must have had sex with someone to get pregnant. You’re not the Virgin Mary.’ Kevin was rapidly losing patience.

‘Kevin!’ Alice glared at him.

Kelly frowned in concentration. ‘I did have sex with this local lad, José or Juan or somefink, when I were in Magaluf. But that was ages ago and I was so pissed I didn’t think it counted.’

‘Sex is sex, honey, drunk or not,’ Kevin said, holding her hand. She crushed it during another contraction.

‘Didn’t you suspect anything when your stomach swelled up?’ Alice asked. She listened for the baby’s heartbeat – it was steady.

‘Nah. I just thought it was all the burgers and crisps I was eatin’. I was mad for them all the time so I got fat. I used to be a size ten.’

Kevin raised his eyebrow. ‘Seriously?’

‘I swear. I was really thin before this. But no matter how much I ate, I wanted more, so I got fat.’

‘Didn’t you feel the baby kicking?’ Kevin asked.

‘Is that what it was?’ Kelly smiled. ‘I thought it was me stomach going mental because of all the food.’

‘Food doesn’t kick, unless you eat a live goat,’ Kevin explained.

‘Is there anyone you’d like us to call? Is your mum around?’ Alice asked.

‘Yeah, she is. But she’s going to get a bit of a shock. I told her I was popping out to get sausages.’

Kevin threw his head back and laughed. Alice tried to remain professional but couldn’t help joining in. Even Kelly was laughing.

‘Can you imagine? Hello, Mum, I got them sausages for you and, guess what, I got a baby and all.’

They all laughed until Kelly had another contraction.

‘How long did the ambulance say?’ Alice asked Kevin.

‘Ten to fifteen minutes.’

Alice examined Kelly again. Her cervix was fully dilated. The baby was coming. ‘Kevin, go to the cupboard and get me a sterile delivery pack. We have a few emergency ones. Then grab a towel and get back here. Oh, and explain to the other patients that we’re going to be delayed today.’

Alice washed her hands and put on sterile gloves. Kevin came back in and Alice told Kelly to do as she said. ‘Try not to push until I tell you.’

‘I want one of them injections that makes you not feel anything,’ Kelly demanded.

Alice shook her head. ‘It’s far too late for that. Right, now push.’

Kelly let out a blood-curdling scream and the baby’s head appeared.

‘Kevin, I need you,’ Alice ordered.

‘Really? Down there? I’m much happier up here.’

Alice shot her brother a look and he reluctantly moved down to the business end. Alice told him to crouch down and hold the towel for her.

‘Now, Kelly, don’t push too hard,’ Alice said, but Kelly had had enough and pushed with all her might.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Kevin roared, as the baby shot out and landed in his lap.

Alice smiled. ‘It’s a boy.’ She clamped and cut the umbilical cord while Kevin stood in shock holding the baby until the little fellow peed on him.

‘Argh, he’s wet me,’ Kevin said, and thrust him towards Alice.

Alice placed him on his mother’s tummy.

‘Did he come out of my stomach? Are you serious? Is this for real?’ Kelly’s eyes were wide with shock.

‘Congratulations,’ Alice said.

‘That’s the last time your mother’s ever going to let you go out for sausages.’ Kevin grinned, recovered from his initial shock.

As they all gazed at the baby, Kelly had another contraction and the placenta shot out, landing on Kevin’s suede shoes.

‘What the frigging hell is that?’ Kevin screeched.

‘Have I just had another baby?’ Kelly roared. ‘Twins? My mum’s going to do her nut.’

‘No, it’s just the afterbirth,’ Alice reassured them both.

‘My shoes!’ Kevin wailed. ‘My five-hundred-quid Italian shoes.’

‘Do you think I should call him José or Juan?’ Kelly asked, staring at her unexpected baby in wonder.

The door burst open and two paramedics charged in. ‘Bloody hell, it’s like a crime scene in here. Well, Doc, you’ve been busy.’

They put Kelly and baby Juan/José on a stretcher and carried them out.

As they were leaving, Kevin called, ‘Next time you go on holidays, keep your knees together.’

Alice looked at Kevin. He was covered with blood, as was she. ‘I wasn’t expecting that,’ she said, and began to laugh.

‘Bloody hell, I thought she had a stomach bug,’ Kevin said, still gazing in dismay at his ruined shoes.

They were both laughing as the relief of everything ending well flooded over them.

‘We’ll have to call it a day. I can’t really see patients in here today – they’ll think I’ve murdered someone.’

‘Good idea. I need a very long shower and some Xanax, followed by a stiff brandy,’ Kevin said.

Alice looked at her watch. It was ten a.m. Adrenalin was coursing through her veins – she felt alive and alert. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to be with him. She wanted to run to him. She cleaned herself up, changed into a spare suit she kept at work, then texted him:
Where are you? Can I see you now?

After a few minutes, her phone beeped.
I’m at the hotel. Can you come here?

Yes. On my way.

Use side entrance and ask receptionist for key to Suite 21 – it’s empty. Will wait for you there. X

Alice raced outside and hailed a taxi. Some part of her brain was telling her to stop, to think, but she was sick and tired of thinking. Her brain hurt from all the useless thinking and worrying and stressing. Right now, she wanted to let it go – and there was only one man she could do that with. Dan.